Counseling Today, Online Exclusives

Voice of Experience: The hurting counselor (an update)

By Gregory K. Moffatt October 7, 2020

In 2018, I published a Member Insights article in Counseling Today titled “The hurting counselor.” I received more feedback on that article than anything else I’ve ever written, and it went on to become the most-viewed article posted to CT Online at any point in 2018. Nearly all the responses I received were comments about how counselors had (just like me) neglected self-care until crisis slapped them in the face and they realized they didn’t have the tools to deal with it.

In that article, I described a time when my marriage was failing and how, at the same time, my self-care had been sorely neglected. Even though my own story was a part of that article, my real point was to petition readers to take self-care seriously. Fortunately for me, at the end of the article, I gratefully noted that my marriage had been salvaged. Healing was slow and setbacks continued, but things improved.

Sadly, I’m here to tell you that a very painful tragedy has found me once again, and I’m devastated. I’ll leave the specifics of my painful situation unspoken because if I told you what it involves, then some readers might think to themselves, “That doesn’t apply to me.” The specifics of my situation are not why I am writing this follow-up article, any more than my original article was just about the sadness of my failing marriage. Let’s just say that I’m hurting as much as one can hurt and still survive.

But just like before, my purpose is to address the importance of self-care. I religiously practice what I told readers about in “The hurting counselor” two-plus years ago. My separation that I wrote about at the time had happened almost a decade prior, and it nearly crippled me. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and I scarcely could get through each day. My compromised self-care nearly did me in.

But since that time, I’ve been practicing everything I wrote about in “The hurting counselor,” and now that I’m yet again facing a very painful experience, I’m so glad I did. The follow-up is that self-care is not only helpful but crucial.

Don’t get me wrong. The tragedies of life are always hard: the loss of a child, the humiliation of arrest and jail, failed relationships, crippling physical illnesses, etc. The timing of my current situation, coming as it does in the midst of the coronavirus, the beginning of a very challenging school year at my university, and a generally hard time of life, makes it worse.

My days are difficult and my nights are even harder, but I’m managing reasonably well — unlike the time I wrote about previously — because I’ve practiced our ethic of self-care. The unavoidable pain of personal crisis won’t defeat me as it nearly did years ago. I have a therapist, I play, I eat right, and I rest as well as I can. All the keys to reasonable self-care.

As noted above, self-care is not an option. It is an ethical obligation. The excuse that “I don’t have time” to exercise, go to therapy, eat well or take a day off is not only untrue, it is irresponsible.

Unlike the situation I found myself in all those years ago, today I’m making better decisions because I’m in better condition and I have the strength to do it. I will weather this storm with clarity of thought and resilience of heart. Neither of those things is possible without regular self-care. Fortunately, I’ll also be in reasonable condition to continue working with my clients, my interns and my supervisees. They will never know that I’m in the midst of a crisis unless I tell them.

If we are not taking care of ourselves, we will make poor decisions in all sorts of areas. We will stay in toxic relationships and dead-end jobs or work too many hours. Our lack of clarity will make it hard to see the damage we are doing to ourselves. I know that in my prior life of poor self-care, I could not have weathered this current hurricane. Today I’m so strong, even though daily I’m feeling vulnerable and battered.

I often tell stories about my life, my clients and my practice in my column, but this particular article is as personal as it gets. I’m not just processing my current pains with you, however. Because of the outpouring of responses I received from my original article on self-care, I know that self-care is a problem and a challenge for many therapists. It is imperative that we tend to it so that we are adequately prepared when we are facing deep hurts — as we all inevitably will in one way or another.

My testimony here will hopefully convince you that there is a good reason to take care of yourself. And I want you to know that I not only practice what I preach to you, but that it works.

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Gregory K. Moffatt is a veteran counselor of more than 30 years and the dean of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Point University. His monthly Voice of Experience column for CT Online seeks to share theory, ethics and practice lessons learned from his diverse career, as well as inspiration for today’s counseling professionals, whether they are just starting out or have been practicing for many years. His experience includes three decades of work with children, trauma and abuse, as well as a variety of other experiences, including work with schools, businesses and law enforcement. Contact him at Greg.Moffatt@point.edu.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

1 Comment

  1. Bill Coffin

    I remember a poster in the stairwell at UMD when I was in the CAPS program in the mid-70s that read

    Did You Ever Feel Like
    You Needed A Counselor
    More Than You Wanted To BE One

    Reply

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