Tag Archives: disenfranchised grief

When post-abortion emotions need unpacking

By Bethany Bray April 3, 2018

Catherine Beckett, an American Counseling Association member with a private practice in Portland, Oregon, has made it a habit to avoid using “must” phrases with clients. “It sends a message to the client about what they’ve experienced,” says Beckett, who specializes in grief counseling. “I don’t ever want to say, ‘Oh, you must feel so guilty,’ or ‘You must feel so isolated,’ because that may not be the case at all.”

A case in point: when clients reveal in counseling that they have had an abortion at some point in their past. Some clients consider that experience to be just another piece of their life story, free of any negative associations. For others, the experience can evoke a range of issues, from spiritual and familial turmoil to attachment difficulties and feelings of loss. When dealing with such a highly charged topic, counselors must be prepared to put their own personal views aside to support clients who fall into either camp — and those who present a range of emotions in between.

Research cited by an American Psychological Association task force found that the majority of women who elect to have an abortion will not experience mental health difficulties afterward (see apa.org/pi/women/programs/abortion/). In February 2017, JAMA Psychiatry published a study titled “Women’s mental health and well-being 5 years after receiving or being denied an abortion.” The study observed 956 women over the course of five years, including 231 who initially were turned away from abortion facilities. Among the authors’ conclusions: “In this study, compared with having an abortion, being denied an abortion may be associated with greater risk of initially experiencing adverse psychological outcomes. Psychological well-being improved over time so that both groups of women eventually converged. These findings do not support policies that restrict women’s access to abortion on the basis that abortion harms women’s mental health.”

Even though most women will not experience long-term mental health problems after an abortion, some may still endure feelings of loss or encounter other negative emotions caused by external factors such as culture or family. For certain clients, a past abortion experience, whether it took place one month ago or decades ago, can be at the root of a range of issues — low self-esteem, relationship problems, disenfranchised grief — that surface during counseling sessions.

Beckett notes that most of the women she works with aren’t questioning their decision to have an abortion but rather “struggling to process it and place it in the narrative of their own lives in a way that feels comfortable.”

“As a practitioner, you should know about [abortion] and understand that within the population you’re seeing, it’s probably in their story,” says Jennie Brightup, a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist in private practice outside of Wichita, Kansas. “You need to be prepared to know how to work with it.”

Counselors should approach the revelation of an abortion just like any other experience or issue that clients may have in their histories, Brightup says. “Have an open mind. Allow it to be something that can be a problem for your client. See that it could be an issue … [and] have some knowledge about how to treat it.”

‘You think you’re alone’

The Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive health research organization, estimates that in 2014 (the most recent data available), 926,200 abortions were performed among women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States. This comes out to a rate of 14.6 abortions per 1,000 women.

The institute notes that this marks America’s lowest abortion rate since the process was legalized nationwide by the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision in 1973. The U.S. abortion rate has seen a steady decline after peaking in 1980 and 1981 at close to 30 abortions per 1,000 women. Using the 2014 data, the Guttmacher Institute extrapolates that 5 percent of U.S. women will have an abortion by age 20; 19 percent will have an abortion by age 30; and 24 percent will have an abortion by age 45.

Abortion is more common than many people, including mental health practitioners, think, says Trudy Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist who presented on “Choice Processing and Resolution: Bringing Abortion After-Care Into the 21st Century at ACA’s 2012 Conference & Expo in San Francisco. Johnson, who had an abortion in college, says that for many people, processing the abortion experience is “a slow burn. It doesn’t affect you until later on. [Many] women have had an abortion, but you think you’re alone. You don’t feel you get to grieve it. … It’s a gut-level thing, a tender place. Many have never told a soul,” says Johnson, who specializes in trauma resolution, including abortion-related issues.

Connecting issues

For clients who have yet to process and place a past abortion into their self-narrative, it can feel like a sadness that they can’t quite pinpoint or define. “It’s kind of like a phantom pain. It’s there, but you don’t know why,” Johnson says.

Clients with a variety of presenting issues may have unprocessed emotions surrounding a past abortion that could be compounding their struggles, Johnson says. These issues can include:

  • Depression and anxiety
  • Complicated grief
  • Anger
  • Shame and guilt (especially shame that is undefined or has no apparent cause)
  • Self-loathing and self-esteem issues
  • Relationship issues (including destructive relationships)
  • Destructive behaviors (including substance abuse)

For certain clients, their unprocessed emotions can feel like a weight they have carried and buried deep within themselves for a long time without sharing it with anyone, Johnson says.

Johnson recalls one client who initially came for couples counseling with her husband but eventually started seeing Johnson for individual counseling. During a session, Johnson recognized that the woman was becoming upset, so she handed her a blanket and pillow for comfort. The client put the blanket over her head, obscuring her face, and disclosed that she had had an abortion 18 years prior. Her family had shamed her for the decision, and her feelings of shame were still so overwhelming that putting the blanket over her head was the only way she could bring herself to talk about the experience, Johnson recounts.

“You just can’t imagine the shame that [some of] these clients carry,” says Johnson, a private practitioner who splits her time between Arizona and Tennessee. “They just have to talk about it. We, as professionals, can be that safe place.”

Clients who have had abortions sometimes question whether they have the right to grieve because there was a choice involved to terminate their pregnancies, says Beckett, who is an adjunct faculty member in the doctoral counseling program at Oregon State University. The concept of the experience of disenfranchised grief — those who are not supported in their grief because it is not culturally recognized or validated — applies in these instances, Beckett says. In fact, the disenfranchisement can be both external (a loss not recognized by the client’s culture) and internal (a loss that the client, individually, does not recognize).

“People do not have the same kind of support and validation [to grieve a loss] when they’re disenfranchised, and that is a huge part of abortion grief,” Beckett says. “The emotional aftermath is so impacted by spiritual, political and ethical values and beliefs. That will really color how they process it and how much they’re able to reach out and get support. This all needs to go into our assessment of a client. What was their experience, but also how are they talking to themselves about it? All of that should inform how we offer support.”

Broaching the subject

Practitioners might want to consider asking clients (female and male) about pregnancy loss, including abortion, on intake forms. Brightup asks clients about past pregnancy loss in a genogram exercise she does in the first few sessions of counseling. If the client mentions an abortion, she simply makes a note and keeps going. It is not a topic she feels a need to jump on immediately, she says, and she doesn’t want to risk retraumatizing clients or prompting them to talk about it if they are not ready. Some clients may not mention an abortion on an intake form or genogram because they don’t consider it a loss or associate it with trauma, Brightup says. Others have buried the issue so deep that they don’t think about it or feel that it is worth mentioning, she adds.

“When you’re hearing their story, you can find places to check in and ask questions. Most of the time, I allow them to come around and tell me. It’s a core secret. If you feel [judgmental] to them, they’ll never tell you and they’ll run [stop coming to therapy],” says Brightup, a certified eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapist.

Practitioner language is also important, Beckett notes. “For some people, asking [if they have an abortion in their past] is giving them permission to talk about it. And the way we ask about it may give them clues about whether or not it is safe to talk to us about it,” she says. “For example, there’s a difference between, ‘Is this something you have experience with?’ and ‘Well, you haven’t had an abortion, have you?’”

Even the word “abortion” can provoke an intense reaction for some clients, Johnson says. In some cases, she will use the phrase “pregnancy termination” or even “the A word” with clients who feel triggered and begin to close themselves off.

“You might need to say it differently,” Johnson advises. “Abortion immediately turns it into a political, socially charged [issue]. Changing the terminology helps it to be safer.”

The key is to foster a safe, trusted bond so that clients will feel free to bring the topic up themselves when they are ready, Johnson says. “The most important thing is building a relationship of safety,” she emphasizes.

Different points on a path

Clients who disclose having an abortion in their past may vary widely on how they feel about the procedure and how much they have processed those feelings.

“There are clients who will come in and do not report having any mental health issues related to their abortion experience. Understand that they’re out there. But the other side is out there too,” Brightup says. Practitioners must be prepared to work with clients who express either sentiment — or a range of feelings in between.

Counselors should watch their clients’ body language and other cues, especially in cases in which a client is emphatic or even defensive when talking about an abortion. It is wise to unpack the client’s experience and associated feelings over time, Brightup says.

If counselors disagree with a client’s assertions concerning how she feels about the procedure, “you can lose the client because they won’t come back [to therapy],” she says. “Agree with their narrative. In little pieces, once they trust you, you can come back to the story and probe a little, ask a few questions as gently and carefully as you can.”

Some clients will have fit the abortion into their self-narrative and moved on, whereas others won’t be as far along in the journey. Still others will have worked through their feelings surrounding the procedure in a healthy way previously but may find themselves struggling with it again as they move into another life stage such as pregnancy or motherhood, Beckett says.

This was the case for one of Beckett’s clients who sought counseling because she was struggling with powerful emotions that had resurfaced. The client had undergone an abortion when she was 17. Later in her life, she had a daughter, and that daughter was now turning 17 herself. Even though her daughter wasn’t facing any type of decision regarding pregnancy or abortion, her age triggered feelings in the client that needed more therapeutic attention.

The client’s abortion had been illegal at the time where she lived, so she had felt compelled to keep it a secret, Beckett explains. The client realized her daughter was now the age she had been when she had an abortion. “The mother saw, for the first time, how young she [had been] and how desperately she had needed love and support at the time, and she didn’t get it,” Beckett says. The realization was “exquisitely painful” for the client, but at the same time, it brought “a new level of compassion for her 17-year-old self,” Beckett recounts.

“She took a great deal of comfort in knowing that if her daughter were to get pregnant, it would be an entirely different experience. Her daughter would have the support of her family and better care,” Beckett says.

The hard work of unpacking

Just as clients will differ in the work they have done — or haven’t done — to process the emotions surrounding an abortion, the support and interventions they might need from a counselor will also vary.

“People grieve very differently, and we need to be ready to support people however they are doing it,” Beckett says. “Some people are going to want to take action or give back somehow. Others will respond to more creative processes or ritual creation. Others will want a quiet, safe place to process.”

Normalizing a client’s experience can be a much-needed first step. Beckett says that talking about how common abortion is, and the fact that many people feel a need to process their feelings afterward, can bring relief to clients. Practitioners can also help clients reframe their thoughts to realize that feelings of relief after the procedure are common, as is a fear of judgment and a sense of isolation that can accompany that fear.

“Figure out what this particular client’s experience is and then, if appropriate, offer normalization of that,” Beckett says. “Support them to determine what is needed to move them toward greater comfort and peace. Offer them ideas and support around getting those things that they need.”

In Brightup’s experience, post-abortion work with clients often falls into four quadrants:

  • Reconciling how clients feel about themselves
  • Engaging in grief work around how clients perceive and feel about the loss (if they do indeed view it as a loss)
  • Working through clients’ spiritual issues or any inner tensions related to “rules” that were broken
  • Working on clients’ relationships and how they relate to people: Are there areas that need healing?

From there, practitioners should tailor their approaches to meet each client’s individual needs and pacing, Brightup says. She often uses sand tray therapy as a tool to help clients talk about post-abortion loss and find closure. Journaling, writing letters or poems, creating art and engaging in other creative outlets can also be helpful, she says. Certain clients may respond to creating some kind of physical memorial or taking time out of a counseling session to do a remembrance with just the two of you, Brightup adds.

Beckett agrees that counselors should collaborate with clients to find a ritual or activity that works for them. Although many clients will make progress through talk therapy or by connecting in group work to those who have had similar experiences, others will feel a need to take some kind of action, Beckett says. Creating memorials and rituals, writing letters or participating in other creative interventions can help these clients to process their emotions and experiences.

For one of Beckett’s clients, healing involved creating a special ritual on what would have been her child’s due date. Each year, the client would be intentional about spending time with a child — whether a niece or a nephew or the child of a friend — who was the same age that her child would have been.

“She came in pretty soon after her abortion, and she knew she needed help to process it,” Beckett says. “She wasn’t questioning the decision, but she was having trouble [with the fact] that her life would move forward but the life of the baby she had not had wouldn’t move forward. She wrote a letter to that baby expressing her caring and regret and explaining why she felt she couldn’t bring him or her into the world. Every year on her due date, she would find a way to connect with a child she knew that would be that age. She would spend time with that child and make it a good day for them.”

Whereas this intervention helped this particular client to find peace, “for other clients, the thought of that would seem hellish,” Beckett stresses. “There’s no prescription for this. It’s a process of figuring out what is still remaining and needs to be released. Talk with the
client to find creative ways to be able to do that.”

Counselors can help clients navigate areas in which they feel emotionally stuck, Beckett explains. For example, one of her clients was struggling even though she had worked through many of the emotions she had experienced after an abortion. The client had three children, and when she became pregnant with a fourth, she and her partner made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.

“There was one part that she couldn’t get OK with: ‘I see myself as someone who takes care of others,’” Beckett says. “That’s where we focused: How did she define ‘taking care’? How did this decision threaten her self-concept? We dove into that area and she eventually realized that terminating the pregnancy was taking care of her fourth child. That was the best way to take care of that child, instead of bringing the child into an already-overwhelmed system that wouldn’t have been able to provide what the child needed.”

Johnson finds narrative therapy a useful approach when focusing on post-abortion issues with clients. Giving them the freedom to tell the story of their abortion — how old they were, how it happened, who came with them that day — can be powerful, she says. Sometimes clients won’t remember the details about their abortion because they’ve blocked them out, Johnson says, but as they open up and talk about the experience in therapy, they often start to recall things.

“This has been in their head for years. When they finally start talking about it, they go on and on because that’s [often] what they need,” Johnson says. “You can see the layers coming off as they’re processing it verbally, the whole story. … Letting them talk about the details and tell their story is a starting point.”

When relevant, Johnson also helps clients identify all the points of grief connected to the abortion beyond the loss of a pregnancy. For example, clients might have experienced a breakup with their romantic partners or the breakdown of a relationship with their parents or other family members either leading up to or after the abortion. Giving clients permission to grieve and accept the loss of these things is an important step, Johnson says.

There are “so many layers to this. The main thing [for counselors] is being a safe place. The impact of a hidden abortion could really be affecting the outcome of your therapy if it’s not addressed. Be aware that there could be this issue under all of the other stuff [the presenting issues],” Johnson says.

“Treat this as a disenfranchised and complicated grief situation, and take out all the political mess and pros and cons,” she continues. “The client has already made a choice. Let’s forget about that and just work on the grief. They’re not the same person that they were when they made the choice. They’re a different person now, so they need to have permission to revisit that time in their life and be free of it. The therapist is kind of a vessel of freedom for that, and it’s a wonderful place. … You’re helping them overcome the bondage, pain and grief that’s been with them for so long.”

Putting personal feelings aside

Abortion remains one of the most politically and socially polarizing issues in modern-day America. Despite this — or, in some cases, because of this — certain clients are going to need to work through issues related to abortion in the counseling office. A practitioner’s role is to be a support through it all, regardless of his or her own personal views on the topic.

Brightup urges counselors to rely on their training, which includes setting personal opinions aside and being what the client needs.

Creating a neutral and welcoming space for clients to talk about such a sensitive topic is paramount, Johnson agrees. “If you don’t have any experience working in this area, you can do more damage without meaning to,” she says. “Or, for some people, there’s a hidden implication that if you help a client through feelings related to an abortion, you’re condoning abortion.” That is simply not true, she stresses.

Beckett agrees. “Clients need a safe and nonjudgmental space to share [about their abortion experience], and that’s hard for some counselors based on their own belief system. It’s not going to be easy for all counselors — that affirmation of [the client’s] right to grieve. [But] a client needs support to determine what is needed to move them toward greater comfort and peace. Offer them ideas and support around getting those things that they need.”

 

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Disclosing an innermost secret

As clients process post-abortion emotions, they may struggle with the decision to tell others, including a current or former partner. What should a counselor’s role be in that process? Read more in our online-exclusive article: wp.me/p2BxKN-54z

 

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Related resources

 

 

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Bethany Bray is a staff writer and social media coordinator for Counseling Today. Contact her at bbray@counseling.org.

Letters to the editorct@counseling.org

 

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

 

Grief: Going beyond death and stages

By Laurie Meyers October 27, 2016

For many years, mental health practitioners labored under the assumption that grief was a relatively short-lived process that people navigated in an orderly and predictable fashion until they reached “closure” — the point at which the bereaved would move on and put the person they had been grieving in the past. Despite the continued prominence of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ “five stages” in the public lexicon, experts now know that grief does not move smoothly and predictably through a series of predetermined stages. In reality, it is a process that follows a different course for each individual.

Furthermore, the experiencing of grief isn’t exclusive to the loss of a loved one through death. As American Counseling Association member Kenneth Doka explains, grief is a reaction to the branding-images_griefloss of anyone or anything an individual is attached to deeply. Although society expects people to grieve the death of a family member, people also mourn events such as the passing of a pet, a divorce or the loss of a job, Doka says.

Licensed mental health counselor Beverly Mustaine, a private practitioner and an associate professor of counseling at Argosy University in Sarasota, Florida, has taught graduate-level courses in loss and grief for 20 years. She notes that she has helped clients cope with grief connected to experiences as varied as moving, losing contact with a friend, retiring and aging.

“Counselors are going to be working with grief and loss really in some regard with every client they see,” asserts Elizabeth Horn, an assistant professor of counseling at Idaho State University’s Meridian Health Science Center.

Doka, Mustaine and Horn agree that counselors who do not work regularly with issues of loss may need to rethink their concepts of grief.

“There’s so much outdated information about how we conceptualize grief and loss,” Horn says. “We’ve gone beyond the idea of ‘stages.’ We really see grief as a unique process for each individual.”

Regardless of the nature of the loss, Horn says she approaches grief work with the same goal in mind: to help clients experience and express their grief in a way that is natural for them.

It’s personal

“People react to loss in all kinds of ways,” says Doka, who has written numerous books on grief and loss, including his latest, Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss, published earlier this year. Clients grieving a loss may feel sadness, yearning, guilt, anger or loneliness, but some may also feel a certain sense of relief or emancipation, particularly if they had a problematic relationship with the deceased, he explains. Whatever clients are experiencing, it is important for counselors to provide a safe place and to validate their losses, Doka says.

“We [counselors] have to communicate that we’re safe — that other people may not want to hear about this [loss] anymore, but we do,” says Mustaine, a member of ACA.

She likes to use Rogerian methods when helping clients process their grief. “I’m reflecting feelings, repeating, setting up a ‘holding’ environment where it’s OK to say the unsayable or mention the unmentionable, like ‘I hated my father, I’m glad he’s dead,’” she says. In addition to talk therapy, Mustaine often uses nonverbal tools such as sand trays or music to help clients evoke and express their emotions.

Horn, whose research focuses on grief and loss, says it is important for counselors to recognize that people have different coping styles when it comes to processing losses. Some people process loss affectively, which means they tend to express their grief verbally; others are more likely to process the loss cognitively, which means they rely more on thinking than feelings to work through their grief and tend to give expression to their grief through physical activity. In general, men are more likely to use cognitive coping styles and women affective coping styles, Horn says, but she cautions that this is not always the case.

Horn also warns that counselors shouldn’t label either coping style as the “right” way or the “wrong” way to process loss. “Within our field, we frequently have an affective or an emotional bias,” she says. “We are trained to elicit emotion and focus on emotion, and that’s great for people who grieve that way. But sometimes if we have someone who grieves in a more cognitive way, we might say that they are in denial … but that’s how they’re dealing.” She also notes that most people aren’t exclusively affective or cognitive while experiencing grief; instead, they use a mix of both coping styles.

That is one of the reasons that Horn is a proponent of helping clients design rituals, whether they involve holding a memorial ceremony or simply lighting candles in a counselor’s office, that will be meaningful and beneficial to them in processing their grief. Rituals can offer opportunities for both cognitive and affective grieving, she explains. For example, someone who copes cognitively might take charge of making all the practical arrangements, whereas someone with a more affective style might arrange for speakers or even speak himself or herself at the ceremony, Horn says.

The importance of rituals

“The ritual aspect is really important,” Horn explains further, “because frequently we have funerals, and for some folks that’s great for providing an outlet for mourning a loved one. On the other hand, it often happens so soon after [a person’s] death that there’s not a chance to really make it meaningful.”

Rituals can provide a very personal and ongoing way for family and friends to remember the deceased in a meaningful way. Horn shares a ritual that she describes as her favorite.

The son of one of Horn’s friends had died from an overdose. Although his family and friends remembered him with fondness, they felt it was important to also honor his ornery personality, so they developed a ritual based on an actual incident. At one point, the son had been asked to get his younger siblings some food from McDonald’s, but he didn’t want to. The task left him so agitated that when he returned home, he threw a cheeseburger at the wall in a fit of pique. So every year, a group of his family members and friends pick a date to get together, buy cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and throw them against the wall.

Doka tells the story of a good friend who died from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). Before the ALS rendered him incapable of physical activity, Doka’s friend — who described himself as “an engineer by vocation but a bluegrass musician by avocation” — played with a band at various outdoors venues, which made the performances dependent on the weather. As a nod to this reality, the band always opened its sets with a song titled “Singing in the Sunshine.” When Doka’s friend was diagnosed with ALS, the band started opening instead with “Singing in the Rain” and telling the audience about their missing band mate. When he died, the band played the song at his memorial service.

Doka believes that when a child or teenager dies, it is important to get his or her friends and classmates involved in the memorial service. For instance, Doka, a Lutheran minister, presided over the funeral of a 13-year-old girl, and her family asked her friends and classmates to help design the service. The friends suggested having her school choir sing at her service. “It let the kids feel involved and was also very powerful for the family,” Doka says.

Children’s friends and classmates are the people who really know them best, says Judy Green, whose work as a private practitioner and school counselor in the Jacksonville, North Carolina, area has focused on grief and loss. She encourages children and adolescents to reach out to the families of friends or classmates who have died to share their memories. In her experience, Green says, families often find this helpful in mourning their child’s death. Both Green and Doka say it can also help the child’s friends and classmates better deal with the death.

Horn says it is important for counselors to talk to their clients about their cultural backgrounds and discuss any rituals that they might find helpful in grieving the loss of a loved one. Some rituals can even affect how clients verbalize their grief, she says. For instance, in certain Native American cultures, a person who has died is believed to be on the “spirit road,” which is an essential journey. Speaking a person’s name after death will take the deceased off the road, Horn notes.

Horn emphasizes that whatever a client’s background, grief is still very individual, so rituals should take whatever form is comfortable for the client. “We are all so very unique in the way that we interact with our culture, ethnicity and personal traditions,” she concludes.

Adjusting to the new normal

Rituals can also help grieving clients move on to what counselors call the “new normal,” a world in which the person, relationship or other object of loss is no longer with them, yet they continue to make a place in their lives for that connection. Counselors can assist clients in coming up with rituals that recognize the progression but also honor the relationship to the loss, Doka says.

As Doka explains, these might include a ritual of continuity, such as lighting a candle on the person’s birthday; a ritual of transition, such as a ceremony for a widow removing her wedding ring; a ritual of reconciliation, in which the client says, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you”; or a ritual of affirmation, in which the bereaved says, “Thank you.”

“Creating a memory box with mementos from the loved one or creating a figure out of molding clay can be helpful to capture the grief and shift the sadness,” says Barbara Sheehan-Zeidler, a licensed professional counselor in Littleton, Colorado, whose practice specializes in grief and loss. “Sometimes clients write letters, poetry, songs, or draw pictures to their loved ones that they either save or we burn or shred together. Sometimes clients write letters to their future selves as an attempt of encouragement that the future will be different and they will be all right. I have also helped create a ritual, usually around the anniversary of the death, using candles, burning items, shredding old papers or burying artifacts like a time capsule.”

Sheehan-Zeidler encourages clients who desire a longer-lasting remembrance to volunteer or join a group that is connected to their loved one or to create an annual event in honor of the person.

Says Green, “When people realize that their relationship with the deceased did not end when the death occurred, but that the relationship will always be part of them, they will be well on their way to healing from the loss.” At the same time, Green urges counselors to let their clients know that grief isn’t linear. Months or even years after the loss originally happened, they might wake up and hear a song on the radio that reminds them of their loved one. And that experience might trigger a brief wave of grief, she says.

Green says many people do most of their active grieving within the first six to eight months of the loss. But she adds that grief cannot fully be processed until the client has lived at least a year without the loved one and gone through events such as birthdays, anniversaries and any holidays that were significant in their relationship.

Complicated grief

Complicated grief occurs when people become so debilitated by grief that they are unable to return to their daily activities, even after an extended period of time. The symptoms are similar to those of “uncomplicated” grief, but more intense and debilitating, and longer lasting, Green says.

“There is no specific time frame for grief to end,” she adds. “Everyone is different, so our reactions to loss will be unique to every individual. As a general rule, however, people usually work through their grief and can get back to their life tasks within six months of the loss.”

A variety of factors can contribute to the presence of complicated grief, Green says. These include the death of a child, the perception that the death was avoidable, an unhealthy or dependent attachment to the deceased, death following a prolonged illness, a client’s prior history of loss and a lack of social support.

Clients who are experiencing mental health issues at the time of the loss — or have experienced them in the past — are also at greater risk of being confronted with complicated grief, Doka says.

“Each of these factors can result in interrupting [the ability] or prolonging the grieving person’s inability to cope with the death,” Green says.

“Complicated grief can be likened to a wound that will not heal,” she continues. “In addition to emotional problems, a person who is experiencing complicated grief becomes at risk for health-related issues such as lack of adequate sleep, severe depression, suicidal ideation or behavior, substance abuse, suppressed immune system and stress that can lead to heart attacks or strokes.”

As for treating complicated grief in clients? “I have found that group counseling is one of the most healing methods for people suffering from complicated grief,” Green says. “Being able to share with others who have suffered a similar loss lets people know that they are not alone. By sharing a similar loss, people come to realize that there is hope for them even though they might be experiencing deep despair. By sharing experiences with others who have suffered similar losses, people learn that in allowing themselves to experience the pain of their loss, eventually the pain lessens as they learn to adjust to life without the deceased and begin to invest in their future without the loved one present.”

“This does not mean that they lose the connection with their deceased loved one,” Green explains. “Rather, they learn that their emotional connection with the deceased will go on forever; they learn how to embrace that and move on.”

An important consideration is that these groups be made up of people who have experienced the same kinds of losses, Green emphasizes. For example, a group for those who have lost a child, a group for those struggling with the aftermath of a loved one’s completed suicide and a group for those who have lost someone to a sudden and unexpected death.

Green finds group counseling so helpful for these clients that she often recommends they stay or rejoin another group once they have processed, or are well on their way to processing, their grief. “Their experiences can help others and they continue to heal further [themselves],” she says. “In fact, I have had many people ask to rejoin a new group or take training to lead the groups because they have found how therapeutic this modality is.”

She acknowledges that these groups aren’t offered as widely as they need to be. “However, my suggestion is that counselors build a network wherever they are so they know where grieving people might attend such groups,” she says. “First, I [would] begin with hospitals. Many run groups for the families of cancer victims, cancer patients themselves and parents who have lost babies through miscarriage or stillbirth, for example. Another great resource is local funeral homes. Many have a social worker or trained person on the staff who runs such groups, [which are] usually open to anyone, not just those who have used the services of that particular funeral home.”

In addition, cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can be very beneficial for those who are struggling with complicated grief, Green says. It helps them “think about their situations from different points of view, thus altering how they feel and behave when thinking about the deceased,” she explains. “The structure provided using CBT techniques can help grieving individuals deal with their loss and provide a means to measure how much progress is being made each week.”

Green assigns her clients homework, such as journaling about feelings and memories connected to their loved one or developing lists (e.g., five things the client misses about the deceased). “These activities help clients focus on their relationship with the deceased rather than on the loss itself,” she says. “For example, having them make a list of things they enjoyed sharing with the deceased or writing a goodbye letter to the deceased, which is then shared with the counselor, is both cathartic and healing. This also helps clients begin the process of experiencing the pain of the loss that might otherwise remain unattended to. Stuffing down one’s thoughts and feelings is detrimental, so these activities help gently to bring the thoughts and feelings to the surface where they can be dealt with.”

Counselors should also help grieving clients work through any unfinished business, Green says, such as not having been able to say goodbye to the deceased or feeling guilty about something related to the deceased.

Doka has clients write letters to the deceased or engage in role-play to have conversations with the deceased. He gives the example of a boy who had carried guilt over the death of his father. When the boy and his family visited his father as he lay dying in the hospital, the father would always ask the boy for a hug before he left. The final time that the family visited, the boy didn’t want to give his father a goodbye hug before leaving because he had already hugged him earlier in the visit.

During a counseling session, Doka had the boy role-play with him and apologize to his father. He then asked the boy to move to the “father’s chair” to better imagine what his father might say to him. Doka says that as soon as the boy inhabited his father’s chair, he could imagine his father saying, “That’s what you’ve been worried about, sport?”

The boy realized his father would have been surprised that the incident was such a source of guilt to his son. What happened would not have stood out as a source of hurt for the father or been something that he held against his son.

Sheehan-Zeidler uses a similar method, asking clients to imagine what they would say or want to hear if they could talk to their deceased loved ones. But certain types of death, such as suicides, horrific accidents, murders or even sudden and unexpected losses, can be traumatizing to clients. In such cases, Sheehan-Zeidler has found that the use of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing can be helpful.

All losses can be complicated

A loved one’s death is not the only type of loss that can result in complicated grief. Mustaine once counseled a woman who had been divorced for five years yet still fully expected her ex-husband to return, even though he had remarried and had children with his second wife.

In cases such as these, clients may not even have begun to grieve because they have not identified (or cannot identify) the loss and associated feelings that it engenders. Mustaine doesn’t dive into grief work right away with clients who are experiencing complicated grief. Instead, she focuses on establishing the therapeutic bond and giving the client time to accept the counseling office as a safe space. Later, she asks these clients — such as the woman who couldn’t accept her divorce — how they feel about their loss and starts to tease out any underlying feelings. For instance, “I hear you saying that you have not experienced any anger over your divorce, but a lot of people would feel angry.”

Mustaine waits to see if the client takes her statement as a cue to express anger. If the client doesn’t, Mustaine will circle back and say something such as, “You really don’t feel anger?”

In these instances, it is not uncommon for clients to respond that they don’t feel anything because they are numb, Mustaine says. So she sometimes asks them to imagine what they might feel if they weren’t numb. She then explores the reasons behind their inability to truly express their emotions. “What were you taught about having feelings?” Mustaine asks. “Maybe that it’s not OK to express your feelings?”

“You give them permission to have their defenses,” Mustaine continues, “but broach the idea of emotion: ‘What’s so scary about thinking about even having a feeling?’”

Some clients grew up in environments in which it wasn’t safe to express emotions, Mustaine says, such as having a father who would say, “You don’t have anything to cry about. I’ll give you something to cry about!” In such cases, Mustaine says there might be a need to switch from grief work to traditional psychotherapy.

 

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All of the sources Counseling Today spoke to for this article cautioned that in order for counselors to avoid their own complications, they should engage in their own grief work before working with clients on grief and loss issues.

 

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Additional resources

To learn more about the topics addressed in this article, take advantage of the following resources offered by the American Counseling Association:

Books, etc. (counseling.org/bookstore)

Podcasts (counseling.org/continuing-education/podcasts)

  • “When Grief Becomes Complicated” with Antonietta Corvasce
  • “Remembering Lives: Conversations With the Dying and Bereaved” with John Winslade and Lorraine Hedtke

VISTAS Online articles (counseling.org/continuing-education/vistas)

  • “A Shift in the Conceptual Understanding of Grief: Using Meaning-Oriented Therapies With Bereaved Clients” by Jodi M. Flesner
  • “Current Trends in Grief Counseling” by Elizabeth A. Doughty, Adriana Wissel and Cyndia Glorfield
  • “Frequency and Importance of Grief Counselor Activities” by Darlene Daneker
  • “The Anniversary of the Death of a Loved One” by Rebecca M. Dedmond, Annie K. Smith and Sania Frei-Harper
  • “Understanding Grief and Loss in Children” by Jody J. Fiorini and Jodi A. Mullen

Practice Briefs (counseling.org/knowledge-center/practice-briefs)

  • “Death and Dying Issues” by Kathryn Layman & Jessica Swenson

 

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Laurie Meyers is the senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

Letters to the editorct@counseling.org

 

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Empty crib, broken heart

By Bethany Bray September 22, 2015

This past summer, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, pediatrician Priscilla Chan, announced that they are expecting a baby. This celebrity baby news grabbed headlines for a different reason than most, however. The couple’s announcement included a candid acknowledgment that they had been trying to have a baby for several years and had suffered three miscarriages along the way.

“It’s a lonely experience,” Zuckerberg wrote in a July Facebook post. “Most people don’t discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you’re defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own. … We hope that sharing our Empty-crib-broken-heartexperience will give more people the same hope we felt and will help more people feel comfortable sharing their stories as well.”

Zuckerberg and Chan’s post resonated with millions of people (witness the post’s 1.7 million “likes,” nearly 112,000 comments and 49,000-plus shares as of the end of August) and helped raise the curtain on some painful yet common issues that are rarely talked about openly.

Although many people who face miscarriage and infertility feel alone or isolated, statistics show the circumstances are much more common than people may think. Miscarriage, defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks, occurs in 15 percent of known pregnancies, according to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that about 12 percent of women ages 15 to 44 have “difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term,” while an estimated 7.4 million women in that same age bracket have used fertility services.

“Trying to make sense of it all is really, really challenging. The depth of the pain and the challenges you go through are hard to put into words,” says Kristin Douglas, a licensed professional clinical counselor and American Counseling Association member in Kentucky who has personal experience with infertility and multiple miscarriage losses. “You don’t ‘get over’ these kinds of losses. You work through them, but you don’t get over them.”

Mourning what might have been

A person or couple can’t help but think about the future, even if cautiously, after a fertility treatment or positive pregnancy test. Considerations from possible baby names to how the mother might be “showing” by a certain month naturally spring to mind.

“When that is taken away” — either through miscarriage or an unsuccessful fertility treatment — “you’re not grieving the past, you’re grieving what was going to be. You’re grieving the future,” says Valorie Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed mental health counselor in Florida. “With pregnancy loss and infertility, each time it doesn’t happen, you’re grieving … for all the ways you were thinking it was going to be. Helping the client to see that can be eye-opening — acknowledging that it’s real, it’s a loss [and] it’s gut-wrenchingly painful.”

Thomas knows this pain firsthand. She has been pregnant 10 times, but only one — her sixth pregnancy, a now 16-year-old son — was carried full term. Thomas and her husband also have a 7-year-old daughter whom they adopted.

Unlike when other family members, friends or acquaintances die, miscarriage and infertility can leave clients without memories to grieve. Often, people don’t even realize that they have the right to grieve, says Thomas, an ACA member who has a small private practice and is an adjunct professor at Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida. It’s the type of loss “that’s hard to understand,” she says. “You [typically] think of a loss as something that was already here, and you’re grieving it [no longer being here].”

With fertility treatment, she says, “You get the call from the doctors saying, ‘The pregnancy test was negative, we’ll see you next month,’ and they hang up,” leaving the individual or couple reeling with a flood of emotions, from anger and frustration to sadness and embarrassment.

Clients who are struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage can present with a range of issues in a counselor’s office. Depression, anxiety and intense stress are very common, Douglas says, as are feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, frustration and fear. It is also possible for these clients to wrestle with trauma symptoms associated with their loss, she says.

It is not uncommon for couples or individuals to have experienced both infertility and miscarriage. Miscarriage, or “the inability to carry a pregnancy to term,” may be part of the infertility experience, Thomas says. But even when there is no overlap, couples who experience a miscarriage may share some of the same emotional responses as those who are having difficulty conceiving, she says, including a sense of helplessness, desperation and loss of control.

Because miscarriage and infertility can be taboo subjects, clients may not realize that they can — and should — acknowledge a pregnancy loss. For example, Thomas says, perhaps a client feels “down” every autumn but doesn’t know why. It could be that she experienced a miscarriage years or even decades ago during the fall that she never processed.

Professional counselors can provide help and support in a variety of ways to those who have experienced infertility or miscarriage. This might include helping clients work through the pain and stress of disappointment, self-doubt and even family or cultural expectations. It might also encompass encouraging these clients to practice self-care and teaching them coping mechanisms to help them get through the bad days.

Above all, counselors must familiarize themselves with infertility and reproductive issues if they are going to be sensitive and effective helpers for these clients, says Ebru Buluc-Halper, a mental health counseling graduate student at Pace University who runs a support group for couples and individuals going through infertility.

“If [a counselor] doesn’t know what they’re talking about, it’s a huge turnoff,” says Buluc-Halper, an ACA member who led a poster session on multicultural considerations in infertility counseling at ACA’s 2015 Conference & Expo in Orlando, Florida. She has friends “who were very frustrated by [a therapist’s] lack of knowledge and were turned off from therapy because they wanted to be understood. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it does happen.”

“People want to be heard and want someone to talk to,” says Buluc-Halper, who has personal experience with miscarriage and fertility treatment. “They are deeply in need of empathy and understanding, which they’re not getting from the people around them, sometimes even from their partners.”

Counselors who don’t understand miscarriage and infertility — at the very least possessing a basic knowledge of the processes, terminology and biological factors surrounding these issues — risk reinjuring and alienating clients, agrees Douglas, an assistant professor of counselor education and coordinator of the counseling clinic at Murray State University in Kentucky. People who disclose their miscarriage or infertility struggles are often subject to the well-meaning but hurtful comments and assumptions of others, she says. Among the statements that are common: “If you just relax and de-stress, you’ll get pregnant”; “Just give it time, it will happen”; “At least you weren’t that far along to get attached”; “Maybe you should just adopt”; and “Maybe it’s not in your cards.” Comments such as these are often completely untrue and very upsetting to the receiver, says Douglas, who wrote her doctoral dissertation on miscarriage at the University of Wyoming.

“The last thing a person wants is to talk to a counselor who is going to say some insensitive and hurtful things in response to what that person experienced,” Douglas says. “There is a fear of what a counselor might say. Are they going to say the insensitive things that everyone else says? Things that are so hurtful or that minimize the loss?”

Handle with care

One of the most important things counselors can keep in mind is that no two clients’ experiences are the same, says Courtney Armstrong, an ACA member with a private practice in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Each client will attach a different meaning to what she or he is going through.

“Everyone’s experience with infertility is different. You can’t just make assumptions,” says Armstrong, a licensed professional counselor who accepts client referrals from a fertility clinic in her area. “You have to respect that it’s a process for people to come to terms with their infertility. It’s not something you can help them reason their way out of. You have to treat each person individually because every person is going to respond in a different way.”

Counseling and therapy must also be individualized in cases of miscarriage. Douglas says she finds it much easier to talk about her first miscarriage, which involved triplets, than her second, which was a single baby. “People would never compare the death of a sibling or a parent to that of an uncle or other relative,” Douglas says, “but somehow, [people] just lump all the miscarriages together. Each failed fertility treatment is not the same either.”

There is no one-size-fits-all way to address a client’s infertility or miscarriage in counseling, agrees Thomas. “It’s important that the counselor be aware [of] spirituality and traditions and culture. Your clients are bringing all of that to you,” she says. “You can’t just [use] a cookie-cutter approach.”

Thomas terms miscarriage a “silent sorrow,” saying that the loss typically goes unacknowledged by society. Too often, she says, the message that women who have experienced miscarriage receive is: “Get over it. You’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“But depending on your spiritual beliefs, depending on what that meant to you at the time, what it signified, what does family mean to you, what does creating a family [mean to you], how bad you wanted it — all those things play into your reaction,” Thomas says.

Paying careful attention to the language the client uses can provide counselors clues about how the person is processing the loss, she says. For example, does the client say, “I was 10 weeks pregnant, and I lost the baby,” or does she use another word? If the client or couple isn’t ready to use the word “baby,” the counselor shouldn’t refer to the pregnancy that way either, Thomas advises.

After going through pregnancy loss and several rounds of in vitro fertilization, Armstrong and her husband made the choice to be child free. Making that conscious decision was empowering, she says. “The choice piece is the really important part — deciding if this is the best and right thing for me,” she explains.

Likewise, Armstrong says, in counseling it can be empowering for clients to find meaning and realize they still have the ability to make choices in an unwanted situation. Wanting to be a parent and wanting to be pregnant are two different things, and helping clients to uncouple those two concepts in their mind can be helpful, she says.

“If they’re going to explore infertility treatment, adoption or other options, is this about having a child or having a child that’s biologically connected to you? The most important thing is that they feel they have the freedom to make a choice,” she says.

Thomas’ experience with infertility caused her to rethink the assumptions she’d held growing up in a Catholic family with nine brothers and sisters. “In my family, it was just assumed we’d all have large families,” she says. “When that didn’t happen for me, I had to revisit [that] and ask myself if I’d be OK if that didn’t happen. Then I came to grips [with the realization] that you can create family in different ways. It was OK that I had other parts of myself to be a whole person. I realized that it may be different for me.”

How to help

Heartbreak can accompany miscarriage and infertility. But so can hope and healing. Here are a few ways counselors can help clients who are processing these experiences.

Storytelling and narrative therapy: Two of the most important things counselors can provide to these clients are a listening ear and empathy. “It’s just so important to listen to their story, really listen to their story,” Thomas says. “Every one of them is so different. Each one has a different journey. Listen compassionately and really be present.”

Douglas recommends inviting clients, but not pressuring them, to talk about their loss experiences, such as where they were and how they felt when they learned they were pregnant, what it was like to be pregnant, what happened during their miscarriage and what feelings they had when they learned their pregnancy was over.

“Just like with other types of trauma, you want to be sensitive to not retraumatize clients by having them share their story over and over again,” she says. “But at the same time, if clients feel it would be healing to share their story, invite them to share it and process it as many times as they feel they need to. It can be healing to remember, to talk it through, to process these things with other people, especially if clients did not feel their loss was acknowledged or if they did not have the opportunity to share their story in full with anyone.”

This hit home for Douglas as she wrote the narrative of her first miscarriage for her doctoral dissertation. It was the first time she had written out the entire story, start to finish, she says. Afterward, she read the four-page narrative aloud to her own counselor in a therapy session. “It was such a powerful moment. I just sobbed and sobbed as I read it,” Douglas says. “It was then that I realized I had shared my story with lots of different people but never the whole thing beginning to end — only parts. That was huge for me. I had a further glimpse into the power of story, the power of vulnerability, the power of giving voice to nebulous experiences and the power of validation. Sharing my story beginning to end was emotional but very healing.”

The empty chair approach: This Gestalt technique can be helpful for processing “unfinished business” — something all too common for those who have had a miscarriage, according to Douglas. Counselors might ask clients to speak to an empty chair as if their child who was miscarried were sitting there. Or use the empty chair to have clients speak to whomever they need to — perhaps a co-worker who made an insensitive comment or a doctor who came across as callous, sterile or impersonal. The empty chair can also provide a means for clients to speak to their deity, even venting frustration or another emotion.

“This can be a way to give the client a voice or provide a degree of closure,” Douglas says. “It not only helps clients work through complex feelings as they process lost hopes, dreams and frustrations, but also helps them have an important, needed voice.”

Journaling and letter writing: Writing a letter can provide clients an outlet to tell their miscarried baby that they miss and love the child. Similarly, clients can write themselves a letter from the baby, Thomas says.

“At some point when they’re ready, have the client write a letter from the baby to the parents. They can say, ‘I’m still here. I love you.’ That’s very healing, but it shouldn’t be done right away,” Thomas warns. “It takes time. [The parents] have to be ready for that.”

Creating a journal can also help clients process a pregnancy loss by encouraging them to explore the loss and what it meant to them, Thomas says. Each experience will be different, whether it is the client’s first miscarriage or third, whether the client already has children at home, whether it was an unplanned pregnancy and so on.

Expressive arts and other creative therapies: Douglas displayed copies of some of the pastel chalk drawings she created as part of her own way of coping with her miscarriage loss when she co-presented a session at the ACA Conference in Charlotte, North Carolina, in 2009.

She advises counselors to pay attention to their clients’ creative interests and incorporate those interests into the therapeutic process, if appropriate. For example, if the client likes to garden, planting a tree in honor of a child who was miscarried might be healing for the client. If the client has a flair for design, perhaps she could design a bracelet with charms that represent the pregnancy. Douglas finds that expressive arts or other creative therapies not only help clients work through challenges associated with their loss, but also assist in making the intangible tangible.

Douglas had one client who enjoyed scrapbooking. Creating scrapbook pages became her version of a journal and helped her find meaning in the miscarriage she had suffered. Scrapbooks or other creative projects can include ultrasound images, hospital bracelets, photos of baby gifts that were received or a narrative written by the client about what it felt like to find out she was pregnant.

“One of the challenges of miscarriage is the intangibility,” Douglas says. “When you have such few items, those ‘artifacts’ such as an ultrasound photo become very important in validating your experience and your loss. You cling to those things.”

Mind-body and wellness approaches: Thomas says mind-body approaches such as yoga, relaxation techniques, meditation, deep breathing, guided imagery and repeated prayer can be helpful to clients who have experienced miscarriage or infertility. In one case, Thomas used guided imagery with a client before her fertility treatment, instructing her to envision that her grandfather, who had passed away, would be with her to support her throughout the procedure.

In addition, encouraging clients to pursue a wellness lifestyle, including eating healthy food, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep, can be helpful, both because of the health benefits provided and because it gives clients a new area of focus. Spending time on healthy cooking, for example, can divert a client’s energy and focus away from frustrated or anxious thoughts. Assure clients that they are working to be “in the best place they can be to ride this roller coaster,” Thomas says. The thought becomes: “I am doing the best I can to make my body healthy so I have a chance of conceiving.”

Encouraging clients in the practice of self-nurturance, such as taking 30 minutes each day to do something they really enjoy, can also help refocus their energy away from the stress of fertility treatments. Thomas instructs clients to think of 10 things that they enjoy doing and that make them happy. Then she asks clients, “How many of these things are you doing? You’re allowed to enjoy things during this time. Look for ways to enjoy yourself.”

Developing signals: Sometimes social situations can be overwhelming for individuals who are going through infertility or who have experienced a miscarriage. Buluc-Halper and Douglas both suggest that counselors have these clients develop a signal to let their partners or trusted friends know when they need to change the subject or take a break during social gatherings.

But clients also need to be realistic about what they can and cannot handle, Buluc-Halper says. “Going through this experience is a good time in your life to put yourself first,” she says. “[When] you’re expected to show up at a dinner or a baby shower and you emotionally, truly, cannot handle it, it’s OK to put yourself first and say, ‘It’s not a good day for me.’ Put yourself in touch with what you’re feeling. You’re in such a fragile state. There are days when you wake up and you know that you can’t go, and others when you are strong enough.”

Externalize the problem: Buluc-Halper suggests that counselors help clients remove the word infertile from their vocabulary. Infertility is not their identity, she explains. “We don’t say, ‘I’m cancer.’ We say, ‘I have cancer,’” she says. “Infertility doesn’t define them. It’s just part of their journey. Finding a way to externalize that does make it easier to go to the dinner, the family gathering, the baby shower, [knowing] this is just part of my journey. Everybody will go through something in their lives, and this [infertility] is one of the things that we just happen to be going through. … Everybody will find some sort of resolution, whatever that may be. As in every experience, there will be a resolution. It might not be the resolution you envision, but you will find some kind of closure.”

The trusted friend: When clients are hesitant to tell family and friends about what they are going through, Buluc-Halper suggests that they pick one person, such as their mother or a favorite sister or cousin, to confide in. Ideally that person should be able to serve as a buffer when awkward or painful subjects or questions are raised at family or social gatherings. In Douglas’ case, she had a trusted friend who would intercept baby shower invitations for her, knowing she wasn’t ready to face such a baby-focused event.

A cultural perspective: A client’s cultural background can play a huge role in how that person views and deals with miscarriage or infertility. At the same time, counselors should never assume that individual clients will experience these issues within the cultural norms of their respective backgrounds, Buluc-Halper says. Doing a cultural genogram with clients can help counselors get a better idea of the role that cultural background plays in a person’s life, she says.

Thomas agrees, noting that she asks clients about their spirituality and family of origin at intake.

“The very, very important part for all counselors to remember when working with infertility clients from a cultural perspective is to be very aware of their own cultural biases,” Buluc-Halper says. “Be cognizant not to distort the couple’s experience based on how you assume that culture perceives infertility in terms of its ideologies, in terms of its experiences or in terms of the resolution. … They might not be experiencing infertility the same way you might expect them to based on their cultural background.”

Taking a break: For clients who are going through fertility treatments, each stage brings a series of decisions and procedures that can be exhausting, Armstrong says. Counselors can offer their clients reassurance that if they decide to take a break from treatments, it doesn’t mean they are giving up,Empty-crib-broken-heart-small she says. “Maybe take a month off, regroup and then go on to the next stage [of fertility treatment]. Tell them, ‘You’re not giving up. You’re just backing off for a minute to get some perspective and come back,’” Armstrong says.

Internet forums: Numerous websites and online forums are available for people going through infertility and reproductive issues. Although these sites provide helpful information and a way to connect with and find support from other people facing similar issues, the sites can also cause clients to spend more time focusing on issues that cause them anxiety, stress or sadness.

In Armstrong’s case, she stopped visiting online forums while she was undergoing in vitro fertilization because they were provoking her anxiety. Although such forums can offer support in many situations, Armstrong found they could also act as a platform to swap “horror stories” or misinformation. “Some people find them very helpful, while others find it makes them feel worse,” she says. “It helps them know that they’re not alone, but there can also be a risk because it can make them more worried.”

If online forums don’t appear to be serving clients’ best interests, counselors can suggest that they take a break and attend in-person support groups instead. Support groups, whether online or in person, can play an integral role in breaking through the isolation that often accompanies experiences of miscarriage and infertility, Buluc-Halper adds.

Grief: Douglas theorizes that women grieve miscarriage loss developmentally. “This is a life that would have been,” she explains, “and you will most likely grieve in different ways and different stages for what that child would have been like [as it aged]” — such as when the child would have started walking and talking or when the child would have started kindergarten. Missed milestones may be extra emotional as time passes. As a result, grief may resurface over and over again, but in different ways, complicating the healing process, Douglas says.

Anniversaries: In cases of miscarriage, multiple dates can be painful, such as the day the couple found out they were expecting, the baby’s due date, the date they lost the pregnancy and so on. Counselors might suggest that clients engage in extra self-care on those anniversaries or commemorate the dates with rituals such as playing a meaningful song, lighting a candle or sending up a helium balloon with a letter inside to their miscarried child, Douglas says.

Control: One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with infertility or miscarriage for clients is accepting that what has happened or is happening is largely out of their control. “A lot of people blame themselves and think, ‘I’m not doing enough or could be doing things differently,’” Armstrong says.

In cases of infertility, some clients will do things to try to take control of the situation, such as cutting gluten out of their diets or taking their temperature daily. Counselors need to be sensitive to the fact that these clients may have devoted a lot of time and energy to finding different methods that might increase their chances of conception, Armstrong says. If the methods are giving them more confidence or security about their situation, that can be good, Armstrong says, but if the methods are only serving to make clients blame themselves further, that can be harmful. “Be mindful and aware of helping clients find what makes sense and what may not be influencing whether or not they get pregnant,” she says.

In cases of miscarriage, Armstrong says she most often points to biology with clients. The human body is designed to abort a pregnancy that could be harmful, she says. “I really try and bring it back [to the fact] that we don’t understand all the reasons why [women miscarry], but it’s purely biological,” she says.

Offering hope: Individuals receive very straightforward — and sometimes upsetting — information from medical doctors about their infertility, including the slim percentage they may have of getting pregnant or the complications that could happen as a result, Thomas says.

On the other side of that coin, a counselor’s focus on the positive can provide clients an antidote to discouragement, she says. “Hope is such a big factor. … Put [clients] back in charge of their life,” she advises. “Offer hope that there are some coping strategies [available and that the client is] a normal person responding to the struggles of creating a family. [Tell them], ‘You need to give yourself permission to be angry and cry. … Keep the faith. If you want a family, it will happen. It may just not be the way you envisioned.’”

Couples: It takes two

Spouses or significant others will naturally deal with miscarriage or infertility in different ways and process things at different rates. In fact, it is common for a counselor to see relationship partners who are in two very different states emotionally, Armstrong says. One partner may have already accepted what has happened, while the other is still in a bargaining stage, thinking, “Surely there is something we can do” to change the situation, Armstrong says.

Counselors can help by educating couples that the grief that accompanies a miscarriage or infertility will come in waves and that each partner is likely to be at a different point along the grief spectrum. Once couples understand that it is natural to feel differently about what they are experiencing, they often express a sense of solace, Armstrong says.

“They’re relieved [because] they don’t see themselves in conflict, just at different stages in the process. Then they can understand and be more patient with each other,” she says. “Help them understand that they’re in different stages and how to communicate and best support each other” wherever they are in the process.

Differences in spirituality level or religious background can threaten to divide a couple during a miscarriage, notes Thomas. For example, one partner may consider a miscarried baby to have a soul, while the other does not.

“Spirituality can be very healing or create a lot of conflict if they’re coming from different perspectives,” Thomas says. “One may feel it’s ridiculous to grieve, while the other feels it’s necessary. Work with them to be respectful of each [other’s perspective].”

It can be helpful for counselors to suggest that a female client bring her partner to medical and therapy appointments when possible, Buluc-Halper says. It is important that the client learn to rely on her partner for support throughout the entire process, not just during times of extreme anxiety, she points out.

“Partners don’t always understand how all-consuming this [infertility] experience is,” Buluc-Halper says. “You’re the one that is doing blood work, and your arm is purple from all the injections. It’s not to diminish the male experience of this, but they don’t always understand why the female can’t really detach herself from the issue.”

As important as empathy is for counselors, it is equally important to teach that skill to couples, Thomas says. She often has couples hold hands as they tell each other what the miscarriage journey has been like for them. The counselor is there to assure both partners that whatever they are feeling is valid, real and quite possibly intense, Thomas says.

“Give them a safe place to explore what this has been like for them — sometimes for the first time,” Thomas says. “What does that loss mean to them? [They are] really seeing each other describe what happened and how they’re feeling right now. Because they grieve differently, it’s important to validate their experience and [explain] that it may trigger some previous losses and intensity that might scare them.”

“With infertility, they can get stuck and not want to move on if they’ve had a pregnancy loss and not really grieved it,” she says. “They need to slow down and experience what they need to experience before they go on to the next step.”

Breaking the silence

By inviting conversations about miscarriage and infertility, counselors can play an important role in removing the stigma and isolation that surround these issues. Douglas cites the example of breast cancer, a once-taboo subject that is now openly talked about and advocated for with well-publicized campaigns and fundraisers.

“Invite the conversation and break the silence,” Douglas says. “Help give women and men permission to grieve miscarriage losses and give voice to those losses. Give them a safe, nonjudgmental place to share their stories. Invite those stories. Take time to listen to those stories over and over again, as many times as people need.”

 

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For more information

  • Valorie Thomas will be presenting two sessions on these topics at the 2016 ACA Conference & Expo in Montréal. Thomas’ sessions are titled “Creating Rituals for Couples Experiencing Early Pregnancy Loss” and “A Mind/Body Approach for Struggling With Infertility.” See counseling.org/conference for session and registration information.
  • Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Visit october15th.com for information and events, such as remembrance walks, listed by state.
  • The National Infertility Association (resolve.org) offers a wealth of information and resources, including online support communities and a hotline, 1-866-NOTALONE.
  • The American Pregnancy Association has resources on infertility and pregnancy loss at its website: americanpregnancy.org
  • An ACA Practice Brief titled “Counseling People Experiencing Infertility,” by Donna M. Gibson and Jennifer M. Gerlach, is available to ACA members on counseling.org. (Practice Briefs are listed at the Center for Counseling Practice, Policy and Research page, which is under the “Knowledge Center” tab on the homepage.)

 

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Bibliotherapy resources for clients and practitioners

  • Jaffe, Janet and Diamond, Martha (2011). Reproductive Trauma: Psychotherapy with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Clients
  • Kohn, I. and Moffit, P. L. (2000). A silent sorrow: Pregnancy loss: Guidance and support for you and your family. New York: Routledge. Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.
  • Kushner, H. (1981). When bad things happen to good people. New York: Avon Books.
  • Domar, A. D. and Kelly, A. L. (2004). Conquering infertility: Dr. Alice Domar’s mind/body guide to enhancing fertility and coping with infertility. New York: Penguin Books.
  • Jones, C. F. (2009). Hopeful heart, Peaceful mind: Managing Fertility. Fraser Davis Press.

 

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Bethany Bray is a staff writer and social media coordinator for Counseling Today. Contact her at bbray@counseling.org.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

Bringing abortion aftercare into the 21st century

Trudy M. Johnson January 1, 2013

abortion“The tipping point,” a concept presented by Malcolm Gladwell in a book by the same name in 2000, occurs when an idea, trend or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips and spreads like wildfire. I believe helping women process the grief they experience after an abortion choice is an idea whose time has come. Currently, very few venues exist in our culture where women have permission to grieve an abortion loss. It has been 40 years since abortion was legalized throughout the United States with the Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade (January 1973). Yet, in my opinion, most mental health professionals are not informed or equipped to serve an extensive population that is confused by and disenfranchised with their abortion grief.

Dr. Christiane Northrup, a noted author and gynecologist, speaks about the topic of grief after abortion in her newly revised edition of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (2010). A former abortion doctor herself, Northrup takes the bold step of agreeing that women need a chance to grieve a voluntary pregnancy termination.

She writes, “Since the first edition of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, many women have written to me expressing their gratitude that I have addressed this issue [processing abortion grief]. And they have written about how their willingness to tell the truth about their abortion experience has healed them.” She goes on to say that during the many years she performed abortions, she observed that “not having fully grieved a pregnancy termination can be a setup for pregnancy problems in the future” because of the unresolved feelings surrounding the choice.

Disenfranchised grief

Dorothy, we are not in Kansas anymore! We have spent decades arguing whether abortion “should be.” While we argue, we lose sight of the fact that abortion “is.” According to the Guttmacher Institute, the statistical gathering arm of Planned Parenthood (a good, reliable source of abortion statistics), around 1.36 million women have abortions each year in the United States alone.

Our culture views abortion as a political, moral and legal issue. In doing so, society does not acknowledge the natural grief that many times follows an abortion choice. One of my past clients said the following: “There is a conspiracy among the sisterhood not to tell each other about the sadness they feel about their abortion. We don’t discuss our grief after abortion because it can be so gut-wrenching. The depth of the grief goes to the core of our beings. Our society doesn’t talk about abortion because it is legal. We are not allowed to grieve our loss because there is an implication that we should buck up and get over it — it is legal, don’t complain, that is that.”

It is normal to assume that the abortion provides closure. This is a false sense of resolution, however. At some point after the procedure, most women are caught off guard with a sadness that is often unavoidable.

It is at this stage of the abortion experience that women need a safe place to talk about their decision. Many times, even the most well-meaning professional scrambles to help the client validate the abortion choice. Unfortunately, in doing this, the client’s grief is not acknowledged. Additionally, there will be no pause to consider the abortion as a loss.

The reality is that after an abortion, many women experience grief that is disenfranchised. As with any sort of grief that goes unacknowledged in cultural norms, this can be the deepest, most painful kind of grieving because the person is so alone in it.

In his book Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges and Strategies for Practice, Kenneth J. Doka defines disenfranchised grief as a loss that cannot be openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned. Doka states, “The person experiences a loss, but the resulting grief is unrecognized by others. The person has no socially accorded right to grieve or to mourn it in that particular way. The grief is disenfranchised.”

Disenfranchised grief, whether connected to the loss of an ex-spouse, a gay partner, a pet or even an abortion, can have a profound effect on an individual. Forty years after the legalization of abortion choice in our nation, it is time that mental health professionals get onboard with learning how to respond to a woman experiencing grief after an abortion.

Abortion grief and fear of disclosure

According to a statistic provided by the Guttmacher Institute in 1998, it was expected that 43 percent of women would have an abortion by the time they were 45. Despite this large demographic, women very seldom admit a choice decision to another person. However, choice decisions affect every level of our culture, every race and every religion.

Professionals need to understand how hard it is to self-disclose an abortion choice. Because of the fear of judgment or disenfranchisement over the sadness they feel, women often walk alone in processing their grief after abortion. It is my experience in working with women in this area that it takes an average of nine hours of therapy before they will admit an abortion choice.

Northrup states, “A century and a half of rhetoric designed to make women feel guilt and shame surrounding abortion and the choice of self-development over motherhood (at least for a time) leaves little wonder that abortion is not an easy issue for women to talk about freely. Yet if every woman who ever had an abortion, or even one-third of them, were willing to speak out about her experience — not in shame, but with honesty about where she was then, what she learned and where she is now — this whole issue would heal a great deal faster.”

“Secrets kill” is a therapy concept I refer to often. What I am seeing from my clients is the existence of an intense loyalty to the abortion secret that is driven by an incredible sense of fear of disclosure. With decades of guilt and shame as an emotional backdrop, many women never adequately process the deep grief aspects of abortion. As long as the cloak of shame surrounds this issue in the hearts of women, they will stay loyal to their “dirty little secret.”

Being healthy in mind and spirit means all of us must work through the grief issues of our past. If our human souls do not take this journey into grief in all areas of our lives, we will spend our future days simply managing our sorrow. This can manifest itself as anger, depression, alcoholism, eating disorders and other serious emotional and behavioral problems.

In his writings, Doka says “disenfranchisement is an injury that blocks the possibility of mourning; self is turned inward, wishing repair, but instead it repeatedly attacks itself with its worthlessness.”

Disenfranchised grief should be an important consideration in the lives of our clients, even in cases of abortion. Counseling professionals should be knowledgeable of how to approach this topic with their clients. These clients need to know their grief matters to someone who will safely share in the pain of their loss.

Changing the labels

I believe the best way to create a paradigm shift in processing grief after abortion is to change the labels. Professional therapists can be the trailblazers in the area of abortion grief. We have an opportunity to be part of something bigger than we can ever imagine by bringing abortion aftercare into the 21st century for thousands of women sitting in silence about their grief.

Once you say the word abortion, the conversation gets polarized, paralyzed and/or politicized, inciting passionate emotions on every side. Doka says it best when he notes, “The ideological and political divide between those who accept abortion and those who do not complicate disenfranchisement.”

I began experimenting with changing the labels some years back in my own private practice. In assessing client history, I noticed clients would rarely self-disclose a past abortion. I remembered my own past experiences filling out forms in physician offices. I never checked the box that said “abortion.” One day, I began asking clients if they knew what the “A-word” meant. Surprisingly, most did. It was in simply changing the terminology to A-word that women began to self-disclose.

Eventually, I came across the term voluntary pregnancy termination as a possible way to talk about the A-word in session. After some time, I began using the shortened version, VPT. This process led me to the revelation that the terminology had been causing the glitch in disclosure. I now refer to the procedure as VPT in sessions with my clients and have found it to be a successful way of separating the politics from the issue of grief.

It is my opinion that professional therapists must lead the way in changing the terminology if we are to bring this therapy model into our culture. Given the guaranteed confidentiality processes we have in place, the professional therapist’s office should be the obvious place for women to go to process their grief after abortion.

The need is great

Given the number of women who need confidential dialogue about their abortion experience, I developed a new counseling model for professionals called Choice Processing and Resolution (CPR) therapy. I presented this model at a Learning Institute for the American Counseling Association Conference in San Francisco in March 2012.

Before adding CPR therapy to your counseling practice, however, there are several things to consider. First, make sure this is a subject that interests you. VPT aftercare, being so specialized in nature, is not for everyone. Also, therapist gender is not necessarily important. I believe both male and female counselors can lend support to clients processing abortion grief.

The main consideration should be whether you are a safe and nonjudgmental person for your clients when it comes to this controversial topic. Taking honest self-inventory, if you cannot separate the procedure from the issue of grief after abortion, then you should not get involved in this caring field. Additionally, if you have your own unprocessed abortion grief and hold your own judgment or are suffering your own pain, you have the potential of doing more harm than good for these clients.

On the other hand, you are the right person for this work if you have a natural heart to help clients who are suffering from secret shame and grief and can receive their stories with compassion and grace.

I once had a licensed professional counselor inform me that none of his clients had ever had an abortion. Looking at the statistics in place, this was an ignorant observation. I also had a pastor of a 3,000-member church tell me that no one in his congregation had ever chosen abortion. Realistically, considering the statistics, it is likely that at least 500 of the women in his congregation were secretly struggling with abortion grief.

As a professional counselor, please understand that if you assess for an abortion per se, your client will probably not self-disclose. However, if you note low levels of depression or unexplainable sadness in your clients, you can eventually introduce the possibility of a VPT in their history. Again, changing the labels is the way to assess. Asking clients to self-disclose an abortion will probably get you nowhere.

My journey of helping women in abortion aftercare spans almost two decades now. My own path to healing and helping other women has been my classroom for instruction. Because this is such a specialized topic, it is important to have a very clear understanding of the multifaceted aspects of processing grief after VPT. The combined elements of disenfranchisement, fear, shame and confusion make this a topic worth studying so that counselors will be informed.

Ways to help

Once you have determined that a client is experiencing disenfranchised grief about her choice decision, the best place to start is by offering a safe place to dialogue about her actual experience.

Begin safe dialogue: Just let the client do as much self-expressing as she wants about her entire experience — including before the decision, the procedure itself and after the decision. The mere fact that you are allowing her to share her deep dark secret in a place of safety and nonjudgment will help her release a lot of the grief. I can’t emphasize enough that changing the terminology from “abortion” to “VPT” will be a turning point for clients to share their stories.

Consider this grief therapy: Begin the grieving process by normalizing the grief your clients may feel. Instead of talking about the procedure and focusing on validating their choice to have a VPT, let your office serve as a place of validation for the natural grief that many times follows a VPT, even years later. Explain that attachment is very normal in a pregnancy. The process being interrupted by a VPT doesn’t necessarily stop the feelings of natural attachment that can occur. This simple paradigm shift gives your clients permission to label their experience as a loss. Validation and permission are what every client needs in a disenfranchised grief situation. Therefore, your main focus in therapy will be offering validation of the client’s grief and permission for the client to express needed pain over her loss.

Develop your companioning skills: Companioning is about honoring the spirit, not about focusing on the intellect. It is about respecting disorder and confusion, not about imposing order or logic. Companioning is about being present to another’s pain, not about taking that pain away. The person skilled in companioning will offer a safe place for women to share their secret of a VPT.

John Welshons, in his book Awakening From Grief, says it best: “You should think of yourself as a listening friend that teaches your clients the meaning of compassion. There are no experts in this line of work, only compassionate listeners. Since everyone truly does process their grief differently, it is important for you to let your client be as they walk the valley
of sadness.”

Process the emotions: I have found the best way to help women is to allow them to attach all the emotions to the event of a VPT. Going through the entire experience and letting women label the emotions can be very freeing for them. Supporting clients in writing letters to the people connected to the event and encouraging clients to give full expression to how they felt then and how they feel now can be very helpful in releasing hidden emotions.

If you are serious about adding help for VPT grief to your practice, I offer some free downloadable intake sheets on my website at missingpieces.org/professionals. The intake sheets can serve as a template to walk you through dialoguing about and processing VPT grief with your clients.

In summary, normalizing the grief and giving permission to label the experience as a loss are important components of this therapy. In addition, labeling the emotions will help bring resolution for your clients. Professional therapy offices should become the obvious venue for abortion aftercare in the 21st century.

 

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Trudy M. Johnson is an American Counseling Association member and a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is also the author of C.P.R.: Choice Processing and Resolution, a self-help workbook that professionals can use to assist clients in processing their grief after a voluntary pregnancy termination. In addition to her private practice, MissingPieces.Org, Johnson consults and educates professionals on the topic of grief after abortion. Contact her at missingpieces@gmail.com.

Letters to the editor:ct@counseling.org

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

A loss like no other

Lynne Shallcross June 1, 2012

Imagine this scenario: You are a counselor, and you have two clients. They are the same age and same gender, and both experienced the death of a partner at roughly the same period in life. So, you can reasonably expect that both will have similar reactions to that parallel loss and both will benefit from similar counseling techniques to deal with the residual grief, right? Not likely.

In fact, says Vincent Viglione, an adjunct professor of counseling at Kean University and Montclair State University in New Jersey, one of the most important things for counselors to understand about grief and loss is that although the experience of loss is universal, every individual’s grief process is unique. “We as counselors recognize that certain client responses are not necessarily pathological,” says Viglione, who is doing his doctoral dissertation on adult sibling grief and continuing bonds at Montclair State. “As such, we attempt to normalize our client’s feelings. In doing so, however, we must preserve the idea that their circumstance is unique to them. Normalizing, then, is never saying, ‘You’re just like everyone else.’”

Keren Humphrey, a retired professor of counseling at Texas A&M University-Commerce, agrees about the unique nature of each person’s grief experience, not only because of her work with clients but also because of her own experience with grief and loss. “In the last two years, I have experienced a number of significant losses, including breast cancer with a double mastectomy, my husband’s extended illness and death, [and] my mother’s decline from Alzheimer’s and her death only a month after my husband’s death,” says Humphrey, whose book, Counseling Strategies for Loss and Grief, was published by the American Counseling Association in 2009. “These experiences have certainly reiterated my view that each person’s experience of loss and grief is unique. The meanings I attach to my losses and my ways of grieving are specific to me.”

Understanding that notion of uniqueness and applying it in session as a counselor means there is no one “right” approach to grief-related counseling work, Humphrey asserts. Rather, to work effectively with these clients, practitioners must be capable of drawing from a variety of counseling skills and techniques and tailoring a therapeutic approach that is custom fit to the client’s specific personality, situation and needs.

A good starting point for counselors is to take the role of “witness” and realize that the client is the expert, Humphrey says. “It’s a time for you to shut up and facilitate the client in telling [his or her] story. We too often in counseling jump too quickly into reflecting feelings and attending and worrying about the next thing we’re going to say to the client. That interferes with [clients] telling their story. Back off of those automatic responses and just allow clients to tell their story of loss.”

A loss is the absence of something we deem meaningful, Humphrey explains, while grief is our response to that sense of loss. People normally associate loss with the death of a family member or close friend, but it can also be inclusive of the loss of a house, a relationship, a job or any number of other things. Sometimes, says Anne Ober, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling and Human Development at Walsh University, it can even be the loss of a particular feeling. For instance, Ober points out that after 9/11, even people who weren’t directly affected by the terrorist attacks might have felt a loss of the sense of security they had presumed previously.

Elizabeth Doughty Horn, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling at Idaho State University, says grief can also stem from the loss of expectations that weren’t met. From the outside, to those observers who aren’t experiencing the loss personally, the loss might not appear particularly significant — for example, a high school student failing to make the cheerleading squad. Many of the losses people experience are disenfranchised, Horn says, meaning they aren’t recognized or appreciated as losses by society. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for disenfranchised losses, she notes.

In some instances, only certain aspects of loss get recognized, while other often more complicated aspects go overlooked. Consider a person recently diagnosed with cancer. “Once someone has been diagnosed with cancer, his or her identity is often linked with the disease,” says Horn, a member of ACA who has researched, published articles, taught classes and presented at conferences on the topic of grief and loss. “The bulk of their day-to-day life is spent focused on cancer — scheduling, getting to and from doctor appointments, reassuring well-wishers, letting people know about their illness, processing their own emotions as well as their family’s. Obviously, people acknowledge grief and loss associated with getting cancer, but they may not view it in terms of the loss of self.”

Many times in cases of disenfranchised loss, clients themselves don’t recognize the issue as one deserving of feelings of grief. They come to a counselor saying, “I shouldn’t be so upset about this,” Horn says. One of the most helpful things counselors can do is to acknowledge the extent of the losses clients have experienced and assist them in connecting the way they are feeling with those losses.

Even in situations in which loss is generally recognized by society at large, counselors say it is common for clients to come into counseling feeling unsure about why they are struggling. “It happens so often,” Horn says. “People come in and recognize there has been a major change, but they’re not seeing it in terms of grief. They might say, ‘I know I lost my job, but I have a new job, so why am I still focused on the job I lost a year ago?’”

Society often emphasizes getting over things and moving on, Horn says, but in many situations of loss, the process of “getting over it” doesn’t happen quickly, if ever. One of the newer trends in grief and loss counseling is the rejection of the idea of “closure” as a completed process, Horn says, especially as it relates to death. But many times, she says, clients either think they should be “over” something already or they don’t even recognize that their pain stems from an issue of grief and loss.

“I believe that once counselors begin to view transitions in terms of grief and loss,” Horn says, “they really won’t have to look for these issues in their clients. Rather, they will see an aspect of them in almost every client issue. I’m not suggesting that everything in life is grief and loss — how depressing — but there can be an element of these in much of day-to-day life in varying extremes.”

Viglione, an ACA member who runs a private practice in Denville, N.J., agrees. “For every client that I see, I find an element of loss in what they’re presenting if I look closely enough.”

Stepping away from the stages

Counselors say one of the more significant changes in the area of grief and loss counseling in recent years has been the move away from using Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief model. Ober, a member of ACA who has researched, counseled and taught on the topic of grief, points out that Kübler-Ross herself said her stages were misapplied and that she originally designed them to be used with individuals coming to terms with their own death. Although Kübler-Ross’ work was very beneficial and started a larger societal conversation about death and dying, Ober says applying the stages to clients going through grief and loss isn’t very helpful and in some cases can even be harmful.

The problem is that the stages model doesn’t fit everyone’s experience, Horn says, especially in light of how each person’s reaction to loss is unique. Humphrey agrees, saying the model suggests that everyone experiences grief the same way. “That just simply is not true,” Humphrey says. “It does not respect the differences among people in terms of personality, social-cultural influences and that kind of thing. We need models that allow us to focus on uniqueness of people. It also ignores process. Instead, we need to understand that clients are in a process of adapting, renewing and reviewing. They’re in a process, not in a stage.”

Horn says research conducted on how the stages were used in therapy has shown that counselors were doing harm to some clients by trying to shoehorn them into stages. For example, if a client wasn’t having the particular experience the counselor thought he should be having according to the stage model, the client may have tried specifically to have that experience, she explains. “And that’s when people get into trouble — when they’re not following their own natural process, when they try to do something that doesn’t fit into who they are,” Horn says.

The stages also gave the impression that if clients went all the way through each of the stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — they would encounter an end point to their grief, Horn says. “But grief is an ongoing process of adaptation,” she says. “The idea of closure is no longer seen as being possible for most people. Rather, it’s ‘How do I adapt or integrate this loss into who I am and into everyday life?’”

Humphrey again emphasizes that the trend in grief and loss counseling in the past decade or two has been toward realizing there is no one-size-fits-all model or therapeutic approach to helping clients. “Instead, the counselor helps clients focus on useful material and implements therapeutic strategies appropriate to the uniqueness of a given client,” she says. “For example, I would use nondirective methods with a client who is uncomfortable with more directive approaches. I might use narrative therapy strategies to help a client explore cultural influences and later use solution-focused or behavior-based strategies for specific problems or to increase awareness of personal strengths for the same client. I might use cinematherapy to highlight multiple issues, but not with people who hate movies. It is important that counseling professionals remember that effective grief counseling is not about the counselor’s specialty. … Rather, it is about selecting and adapting various therapeutic approaches to the particular needs, preferences, personal history, grieving style and multiple contexts of a given client. Using only one approach with every client is ineffective and, worse, very disrespectful.”

Go with what’s natural

The main goal in working with clients who have experienced a loss is to help them experience and express their grief in the style that is most natural to them, Horn says. That might mean encouraging clients to disregard outside influences or the internal “shoulds,” she says. For instance, a person who has just experienced the death of a loved one might get the message from his church that the death was “meant to be” and that it is time to let the person go. “Maybe that ends up making the client feel they should be happier this has happened or that they shouldn’t be feeling so sad,” Horn says. When clients refer to what family members, their religious community or some other outside influence thinks, Horn suggests counselors raise clients’ awareness of this and ask what they are experiencing.

Helping clients find their natural grieving style starts with listening to them and supporting what they say they’re thinking or feeling. “A client might say, ‘I’m really sad, but I haven’t cried and I feel guilty for not crying. I’m more focused on the logistical details of what led up to the person’s death,’” Horn says. “So we try to help foster that rather than putting pressure on them to cry or telling them that they’re in denial.”

In fact, Horn says, one of the newer models some counselors are using in loss and grief work, the adaptive grieving styles model from Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka, recognizes that certain clients will be more affective in their grieving style, some will be more cognitive and others will find themselves along the continuum in between. Understanding that different grieving styles exist and encouraging clients to grieve in the way that’s most natural to them is key, Horn says. For instance, grief groups are often helpful to affective grievers, who might want to share and cry with others, she says. On the other hand, cognitive grievers might want to focus on problem-solving associated with the loss and could find talking about the loss repeatedly with a group to be overwhelming.

“Counselors use this model to help better conceptualize and work with clients,” Horn says. “They educate clients about the uniqueness of grief and help them to identify their personal style, [which is] usually blended, with one more prominent than the other [affective versus cognitive]. This helps to normalize their natural style and helps to remove some of the perceived pressures to grieve in a particular way. Counselors can then use techniques that complement a client’s predominant style, allowing them to experience and express [their grief] more naturally.”

Horn also mentions Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut’s dual-process model as potentially beneficial because it focuses on different aspects of the loss. It looks at both loss-oriented stressors, which deal with thoughts and feelings related directly to the loss, and restoration-oriented stressors, which refer in part to the life roles that have been changed after the loss. The model suggests that people experiencing a loss will oscillate between the two, Horn says.

Ober’s take on the dual-process model is that people need to move between the emotional impact of the loss and the day-to-day logistical impact of the loss. For example, a recent widower might have an intense emotional response in which he cries and talks about his deceased wife, but he may also have to figure out how to cook because she previously prepared all of their meals. “What this theory suggests is that it’s healthy for the person to move between those two [responses] and have a balance,” Ober says. “People who are able to do both fare better in the long run than people who focus on one or the other research shows.”

Meaning-making, which Robert Neimeyer, Thomas Attig and Michael White have researched, is another potentially helpful concept, Ober says. It provides a way of helping clients determine what the loss means to them in their life and their life story, she says, and has similarities to narrative therapy. However, Ober says, counselors need to let clients guide them before using this technique. Clients need to indicate on their own in some way that they are trying to make sense of why the loss happened and what it means to them. “That won’t be the case for everyone,” Ober says. “You shouldn’t apply it unless your client is really at that place.”

Ober also points to continuing bonds theory as potentially helpful. The theory is in contrast to Sigmund Freud’s idea that a person needs to cut ties with whomever has died and focus instead on the here and now. The continuing bonds theory suggests that a person who has lost a loved one can still have a nonphysical relationship and some sort of communication with the deceased person. Letter writing, putting up photos at home, returning to a special place that was important to the deceased person and celebrating the deceased person’s birthday or death anniversary are a few examples of ways to continue the bond, Ober says.

Viglione recommends William Worden’s tasks of grief approach as another potential tool for helping grieving clients. The tasks take clients through accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain of the grief, adjusting to the new environment and reinvesting in life.

A life story that continues

Humphrey says helping clients to explore and tell their story of loss is important, as is helping them create a new story of who they are today. “Sometimes people can be stuck with their old story, looking at the past as if time stops,” Humphrey says. “They’re living physically in the present and the world is moving on, but they’re stuck. That brings them into counseling. What you’re trying to do as a counselor is help them create a narrative that builds onto their old story by taking into account their losses.”

“Creating a post-loss story of one’s life involves making sense of the losses; dealing with disrupted beliefs, assumptions and expectations; and developing revised but enduring bonds with the loss object,” she continues. “Many clients respond positively to simply introducing the notion of building or creating a post-loss story, so it becomes an ongoing theme in treatment. Thematic genograms, therapeutic writing, objections of connection, loss timelines, decisional balance, client-generated metaphors and wisdom letters are particularly useful strategies here.”

The difference between primary and secondary losses is an important distinction for counselors to make, Humphrey says, and one that can help guide the course of treatment. For example, in a scenario in which a client’s spouse has died, the primary loss is the spouse. The secondary losses might include companionship, a sexual partner and expectation of a future together. “The secondary losses are really the guts of the loss, and that’s where the focus of counseling should always be,” Humphrey says. “When you focus on the secondary losses, it helps you understand what the client sees as meaningful and what should be addressed in counseling.”

“Counseling professionals focus on secondary losses because this reveals the unique meanings, influences, individualized adaptive processes, client strengths and potential problematic issues that constitute client grieving,” Humphrey continues. “I ask a lot of open-ended questions that invite exploration and that recognize the client as the expert on their grief. ‘What does that mean to you? Tell me what works and doesn’t work for you. What feelings/thoughts/behaviors go with this or that? What should I know about you that will help us understand your experience? Tell me the story.’ Their responses provide clues to potential issues and direction for therapy.”

Jane Newman, an ACA member who runs a private practice in Portland, Ore., says one of the first steps she takes with grieving clients is to validate their loss and express empathy for the difficulties they are experiencing. Counselors have to be sure never to minimize or diminish a client’s loss in any way, she cautions.

After validating their loss and pain, Newman says she asks clients, “Now what?” In her current caseload, Newman has a male client recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is a respected scientist who has been forced to sideline his career because of the cancer. “He’s mad and unhappy because within weeks, his whole identity changed,” says Newman, who previously worked as a hospice counselor and in a cancer center as a bereavement counselor. “As a scientist, he doesn’t operate much on a feeling level. He’s mad because he’s not productive right now. I need to honor that and talk to him about how that must feel and not try to take any of those feelings away. And then the [conversation] is, ‘So, now this is part of your life too. This is a new phase of your life. Let’s talk about what you think you might want from this part of your life.’ I want to help him identify those things so that he can get closer to making this part of his life productive, even if that means having some wonderful conversations with his family. I wouldn’t say, ‘How do you make the most of it?’ I would say, ‘Let’s talk about what you might want from this part of your life.’”

Newman says part of a counselor’s role in working with clients who are experiencing loss and grief is to illuminate the strengths and support systems they might be overlooking. Ask how they have coped with stressors in the past and what has helped them get through hard times before, she says.

When grief and loss hit close to home

Of course, counselors aren’t immune to experiencing loss and grief in their own lives. Dealing with that reality goes hand-in-hand with all types of counselor self-care, Horn says. “We need to be acknowledging our own grief and loss and allow ourselves to have that unique experience and expression,” she says. “We tend to feel that we’re above it all or should be immune to losses. We also tend to believe that as counselors, we’re supposed to be so together and that with all of our coping skills, we’re not supposed to hurt.” These misguided beliefs can lead counselors to discount their own grief and loss, Horn says, even as they carefully guide clients to do otherwise.

One of the best things counselors can do is to raise awareness of their own loss histories and their thoughts surrounding grief and loss, Ober says. Ober uses an exercise from Humphrey’s book, Counseling Strategies for Loss and Grief, to help her counseling students become more mindful of their personal experiences of loss and grief, which in turn will lead them to better assist future clients. The exercise involves the counselors-in-training making a timeline of grief and loss through their lives by detailing specific losses. Ober then asks the students to write about what it was like to complete the exercise, including if anything bothered them while exploring past losses or whether they identified something that provided them with encouragement and hope during tough times.

The exercise is one that these counselors-in-training might choose to repeat with future clients. But the main objective, Ober says, is to get the students to build their personal awareness of grief and loss, which can help them avoid countertransference with future clients and become knowledgeable of their own cultural backgrounds and biases related to grief and loss. For instance, she says, students might learn that their families had specific rules related to grief and loss, such as not talking about the deceased person or not crying about the loss. “We can’t impose those [rules] on clients,” Ober says.

Ober suggests that practicing counselors seek supervision or consultation with other professionals so they can talk through what’s going on with their clients and in their own lives. This process can help counselors become aware of how losses might be affecting them and their work, Ober says.

Most people deal with loss in an effective way, Humphrey says. However, if counselors are feeling “stuck,” Humphrey says they should consider seeking counseling for themselves, just as they would recommend that clients do.

Getting prepared to address grief

Because there are no CACREP standards that deal specifically with grief and loss, Horn says it’s rare that graduate counseling programs require a course on the topic. “It’s really criminal to a certain extent that we do not require students to learn about grief and loss when every client we see will likely present with some element of grief and loss,” she says. “More likely than not, counselors are graduating without having taken formal training on grief and loss. There is preliminary research showing that having some type of formal education on death and dying or grief and loss does reduce anxiety around working with these issues.” For the very reason that it might not have been part of their training, Horn urges counselors to educate themselves on the topic by going to workshops, reading current literature and taking continuing education classes on the topic.

Counselors need to educate themselves not only on how to work with clients experiencing grief and loss but also how to identify it in the first place, Horn says. “Almost every client we see is going to have an element of grief and loss within their story. [When counselors] don’t have the lenses of being able to identify aspects of their story as being grief and loss, I think we miss a larger picture with that client.”

Humphrey recommends that counselors who are just starting out stay theoretically grounded so they will be ready and able to integrate any number of theories into grief work depending on the client’s particular needs. Meanwhile, Humphrey urges more experienced counselors to keep current with work in the field because the thinking concerning how best to address grief and loss has changed through the years.

The advice Newman offers to counselors, regardless of experience level, is to remember that work with grief and loss issues remains tied to the fundamentals of counseling. “It’s not about what I have to say to them, it’s about what they have to say to me. It’s really listening, being as present as you can be with that person, not judging, not thinking I’m the expert,” she says. “It’s giving that respect that [clients] have the expertise for what they’re going through.”

In combination with that expertise, it’s trusting that clients also possess the strength and resilience to carry on, Newman says. “Doing this work gave me so much faith in the human spirit,” she says. “I was face-to-face with people who had to find the strength to get themselves through probably the hardest times of their lives, and I don’t think I’ve met the person yet who curled up in a ball and didn’t do that. There’s sadness attached to it, but it’s inspiring the way that people find their way through. It’s about the resilience of the human spirit. People find strength that they didn’t know they had, and that is inspiring. We’re survivors and we are resilient. And at times, when it looks like it’s the worst time ever, it is the worst time ever — but when you feel that pain, then you begin to find your way through it.”

To contact the individuals interviewed in this article, email:

Interesting in reading more? Click here to read our online exclusive, “Helping military children navigate through grief,” which highlights an organization cofounded by an ACA member that offers camps for kids who have lost a loved one in military service, among other programs.

Lynne Shallcross is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lshallcross@counseling.org.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org