Tag Archives: domestic violence

Addressing sexual violence among teens

By Leontyne Evans October 13, 2021

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Intimate partner violence is increasing at an overwhelming rate among teens and young adults. Because of this, sexual violence is also increasing. Due to the lack of education and awareness in this area, it often goes unreported to authorities.

To better understand the topic, we first have to define it. Sexual violence involves forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sex act or sexual touching when the partner does not or cannot consent. It also includes nonphysical sexual behaviors such as posting or sharing sexual pictures of a partner without their consent or sexting someone without their consent.

While facilitating groups and programs with young people in Omaha, Nebraska, I found that 3 of 10 participants were victims of sexual assault by a partner and didn’t know it. They were unaware that the actions of their partner were classified as abuse.

This has been consistent with all groups, classes and programs that I have facilitated. It is important to bring awareness to how under-reported this issue is among youth. In many cases, it’s not only those who have been victimized who are unaware they have experienced sexual violence. Believe it or not, the perpetrators of such abuse can lack awareness that they are using abusive tactics such as manipulation and coercion.

The need to talk about sex

A lack of education in this area exists in part because it is typically seen as taboo to talk about sex and consent with youth. Among those who are victims of sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner, 26% of women and 15% of men report that the abuse or other forms of violence took place before age 18.

Many parents think that talking about sex will encourage their children to engage in sexual activity before they are ready, despite there being no solid research to support this belief. So, because parents aren’t teaching it at home and because the sex education being taught in schools is pretty much limited to “have sex and you’ll get pregnant or catch a sexually transmitted infection,” many youth don’t have a proper understanding of what consent actually is.

Some victims believe they have to have sex with someone because it’s their “job” as a partner. The urban proverb of “what you won’t do, someone else will” reigns in the heads of our youth, making them believe they must have sex to keep a person’s interest. There are also young people who have not been taught to accept the word “no,” so when their partner says it, they don’t believe it or accept it. They either continue to try until their partner gives in or they become aggressive because they feel “disrespected.” This is the behavior we must bring attention to as counseling professionals. But to do that, we must figure out where it starts, how it starts and why.

Overall, youth who offend are more likely than youth who do not offend to have backgrounds involving fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, substance abuse, childhood victimization, academic difficulties or instability in the living environment. Studies performed on youth offenders show that youth who have been faced with adversity are at a higher risk to offend. These studies seem to be suggesting that these problems are rooted in familial dysfunction.

The message of entitlement

My work with youth has exposed several issues with parenting when it comes to young people understanding and accepting the word “no.” Many parent do not seem to grasp that every decision they make will have an impact on their children one way or another. Raising entitled children may not seem like such a big deal when they are younger, but those small, cute children have to grow up someday.

Not telling a child “no” to avoid hurting their feelings or hearing them cry is common. We want to protect our children from the harsh realities of the world and try to soften the blow by giving them the things that make them happy. But what happens when that child turns into a teenager and can’t accept the concept of “no” because they literally don’t know how. What happens when that sweet baby grows up learning that “no” doesn’t really mean no? That if they keep asking, become aggressive, act intimidating or annoy someone enough, that “no” can turn into a “yes”?

Kids who can’t accept no for an answer or perceive rejection as a form of disrespect take these behaviors into adulthood and are more likely to abuse. Once again, it may not be intentional. They may not even see themselves as abusers. This has simply become their norm, a learned behavior that has been accepted rather than corrected, leading them to believe that the person saying no is the one with the problem — not them.

Working together

In the counseling profession, we not only have the ability to work with youth victims and perpetrators; we can also offer support to the adults in their lives. We can speak to the importance of supporting the development of healthy, respectful and nonviolent relationships. It is critical that we take advantage of our access and give parents tips on how to navigate through these tough situations.

During the preteen and teen years, it is critical for youth to begin learning the skills needed to create and maintain healthy relationships. These skills include knowing how to manage feelings and how to communicate in a healthy way.

We can all work together to end the cycle of teen dating violence and teen sexual violence by encouraging adults to create safe and brave spaces for our youth. This involves creating spaces at home and school where youth feel safe to come to an adult to have open and honest conversations. It should be a place of trust and support, not judgment and anger.

Youth also need examples of healthy relationships. If children have been subjected to unhealthy relationships, parents should consider seeking professional help for their children to process their feelings toward what they have witnessed.

We often focus on making sure that adults involved in domestic violence situations are connected to programs and services, but we tend to forget about how children are affected by the abuse. As we encourage adults to seek counseling, we should encourage them to seek therapy for their children as well. Second-hand violence is just as impactful as firsthand violence.

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Being willing to be uncomfortable

In working with youth, we need to get used to the idea of introducing the concept of consent and safe sex at an early age. Contrary to popular belief, this will not encourage youth to have sex. It will, however, ensure that they are properly educated and prepared when they do decide to engage in sexual activity.

We also have to start having the same conversations with boys and girls. We can’t teach our girls about consent and not our boys. We can’t see only our girls as having the potential to be victims and not our boys. All children should be provided with the same knowledge, skills and tools to combat abuse.

Finally, we must create the possibility for prevention. Sex education should include more than discussions about pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Safe sex should refer not only to using condoms and contraceptives but also to discussing actual safety. Safety includes consent, mental and emotional safety, physical safety, the environment, etc. Using a condom does not make sex safe.

I had a client say that she hadn’t been raped because she didn’t scream and he used protection. We must change the narrative of what rape looks like in our society. We have to educate our youth in all things concerning sex, not just the parts that are comfortable to discuss. Then and only then can we begin to end the cycle of teen dating violence and sexual violence.

 

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Leontyne Evans works as the survivor engagement specialist for Survivors Rising, where she helps to empower and uplift survivors by providing education and resources that encourage survivor voice and self-sufficiency. She is a published author of two books, Princeton Pike Road and Relationships, Friendships and Situationships: 90 Days of Inspiration to Keep Your Ships From Sinking, both of which support her mission of ending the cycle of unhealthy relationships. Contact her at leontynesurvivorsrising@gmail.com.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

A survivor’s lens on counseling and intimate partner violence

By Leontyne Evans August 12, 2021

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Speaking as a survivor of domestic violence, I have found that society is not often kind or understanding about matters related to this particular form of abuse. Frequently, society seems to perceive it as something someone has chosen for their life instead of something someone was forced into. Grace and empathy are generally given when we talk about other forms of abuse, but mention domestic violence, and that same grace isn’t always extended. 

For years I wondered why — why is one type of abuse viewed differently in comparison with another? Just like any other victim, I never planned to be a victim, so why was I looked at differently? Why is it that victims of domestic violence have their pain invalidated by questions such as “Why didn’t you just leave?” 

That question alone — Why didn’t I just leave? — is what led me to the counseling profession. Given that I was a strong, independent woman who came from a good family, it was a question that plagued me. To transition from victim to survivor, I needed answers — answers that I just didn’t have. 

No easy answers

When I was an uneducated victim of domestic violence, the question of why didn’t I just leave felt complex. But after majoring in behavioral science/psychology and completing specialized courses in domestic violence intervention, trauma-informed care and, eventually, clinical counseling, I found that answering the question still wasn’t simple. In fact, as an educated grad student removed from her past situation, it became inherently clear to me that no amount of education would provide a clear-cut answer. 

I was in my last semester of graduate school and preparing to enter into the practicum portion of the degree when I enrolled in a class on family violence. Each week, we would watch videos and discuss our views and how we would help the client. In week four of the class,
that difficult question came up again. I was reading through the discussion post when I saw it: “Why don’t people just leave? If you want it to end, just leave.”

Being this far into my degree program, I was surprised to see other soon-to-be counselors asking this question and making that comment. I assumed other professionals had taken classes outside of this one to better understand a problem so prevalent in our society. If that wasn’t the case, were counselors really prepared to serve this population? 

In my own experience seeking counseling, I was asked, “Why do you think you chose not to leave?” I immediately felt like the counselor didn’t understand my position, and I decided to never see her again. I was hurt and angry, but I realized I still needed help. Luckily, I found another counselor and continued to educate myself on the cycle of abuse. 

Unfortunately, that is not the story for the majority of survivors with whom I have worked. If they feel misunderstood or invalidated, they don’t go back to counseling. In other words, asking the wrong question as counselors doesn’t just keep us from building a trusting relationship with these clients; it may actually deter them from ever seeking help again. 

It’s not that asking “Why do you think you chose not to leave?” is a horrible question. In relationships that do not involve abuse, it’s a perfectly acceptable question. When domestic violence is present, however, it crosses the line into victim blaming. Society constantly asks those who were victimized why they stayed instead of asking those who perpetrated abuse why they abused or why they created environments where leaving was not an option. According to Cynthia Hill, director of the 2014 documentary Private Violence (in an interview published in The Guardian), between 50% and 75% of homicides related to domestic violence happen at the point of separation or after the victim has left their abuser. We must be sensitive to the real danger involved in trying to escape intimate partner violence.

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Tips for building relationships with survivors

I understand that as counseling professionals, we can ask questions only of the individual we are working with, and we always want to make sure the client is focusing on their behavior and not that of a partner or anyone else. Accountability is important and key in the healing process. However, it is not the best idea for this to be the primary focus when working with this specific population. 

When working with individuals who are currently experiencing intimate partner violence or have recently left an emotionally, mentally or physically abusive situation, counselors can use the following six tips to build relationships with these clients. 

1) Start by understanding that if leaving were an option, domestic violence would not be a thing. Remember, up to 75% of deaths related to domestic violence occur while the victim is attempting to leave or afterward. Because domestic violence is rooted in power and control, perpetrators of abuse often lash out at the idea of losing the person they feel they control. 

In the movie What’s Love Got to Do With It, based on the life of singer Tina Turner, her husband, Ike, says at one point, “Tina, if you die on me, I swear I’ll kill you.” To most people, that sounds crazy, but in Ike’s mind, he wanted to maintain control over Tina, even in her death. For those who are not movie people, the Duluth model of domestic violence intervention also explains this concept. Leaving is dangerous and maybe even impossible for most victims. So, stop asking clients why they didn’t or don’t leave. If they could, they would.  

2) Always be on time and end on time. This might seem trivial to most, but if you are working with clients you suspect are actively experiencing intimate partner violence, being on time and ending on time is a must. You never know what the client had to tell their abuser so that they could meet with you. You don’t know if this is the time when the abuser is out of the house and the only time the client can meet. If the counselor is late, the session still needs to end on time. The client should always know they will be home when they are supposed to be home. Messing with the schedule could potentially mess with someone’s life. 

3) Talk about every other relationship rather than focusing on the abuse. Individuals involved in intimate partner violence are fully aware of the nature of their relationship. Trust me, they do not need a reminder of how dangerous or unhealthy the relationship is, even if they are not ready to leave. The cycle of grooming, gaslighting and manipulation can lead to victims feeling that they have to prove everyone wrong and show the world that their partner can still be the person they fell in love with. Most of the time, victims truly believe if they work very hard to adjust their behavior, their partner will treat them like they used to before the abuse started. Speaking directly about this relationship can cause the client to become defensive. It hurts the chances of building a trusting client-counselor relationship.

I have found that discussing other relationships in the client’s life can be helpful in shining a light on the behaviors of their current partner without making the client feel judged or attacked. You might say something along the lines of: “Oh, it sounds like you didn’t like your father when he drank because he became violent. How do you feel about XYZ’s behavior when they drink?” This allows the client to make the comparison on their own.

4) Realize that “Christ” and “counselor” are two different titles. Counselors are not saviors, nor should we try to be. In all situations and with all clients, the objective should be to meet them where they are. As with addiction, a client experiencing intimate partner violence may not understand the severity of the problem and may not want to leave. Perhaps instead of leaving the relationship, the client wants to learn to cope with certain behaviors. If that is what the client wants, it is also what the counselor should want. 

Go home resting in the fact that you are doing your job. Even though the client may be in an unhealthy situation, they are working with you, trusting you and listening to you. They hear you. When the time is right, they will make the best decision for their life. Your job is not to save anyone; it is to give clients the tools to save themselves. 

5) Accept that you are not the expert. Counselors work hard to become licensed professionals. That hard work is so appreciated. However, we are not the experts in this situation. No matter how many studies we have read, statistics we have memorized or theories we can apply, survivors are the experts when it comes to their experiences and their stories. 

Every survivor’s journey is different. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to counseling survivors of intimate partner violence. Even if you’ve seen 10 clients in one day and they all have experienced intimate partner violence, ask questions of the next client rather than assuming that you know how the story will end. Because I promise you that you don’t.

6) Check your biases. We all have biases, but not everyone is aware of what theirs are and how they affect the lives of the individuals they work with. If you have certain views about intimate partner violence, if you believe it is a “choice” to stay, if you believe someone is able to “just leave,” please stay away from this population. It takes a lot for survivors to ask for help and to expose themselves enough to discuss the abuse. If this situation is handled incorrectly, they may never seek help again. Let’s be a part of the solution as professional counselors, not the reason that a survivor returns to the problem. 

As a survivor myself, these tips helped me build a long-lasting relationship with my counselor. Now, as I sit on the other side of the table, these tips have worked for me in counseling and coaching individuals who have experienced intimate partner violence. I hope you find these tips useful and join me on a journey to end the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

A Survivor’s story

During an internship, I worked with a young woman who had experienced physical abuse throughout her entire life. Every man from her father to the father of her children had abused her. At this point in her life, abuse was the expectation. The interesting part is that she wasn’t seeking help because of the abuse; she wanted help learning how to be better for her future husband. What I heard was: “What can I do to be who he wants me to be so he doesn’t hurt me?” I couldn’t immediately confirm my suspicions, so I continued to listen, ask questions and build trust.  

In about our fifth session, she opened up and revealed that she had been in the hospital the night before, put there at the hands of her fiancé. After I asked if she was OK and in the mental space to continue the session, she said, “This is probably the safest place for me to be today.”

As we continued talking, I asked if she still felt like marrying this man was the best option. To my surprise, she said, “Yes, he isn’t nearly as bad as what I’ve dealt with before, and I knew better. I shouldn’t have made him that upset.” I could continue with the story, but just this portion of it serves to paint a vivid picture of the mind of someone who is a victim of intimate partner violence. 

This is an extreme example of a person who had a long history of being abused, but many victims find themselves in the same predicament — asking themselves how they can change to “be better,” what they can do to be abused less, instead of asking what the abuser needs to change to stop abusing. Because survivors blame themselves enough, they do not need anyone else to do it for them. They don’t need someone to reinforce what they already believe. Imagine if I would have asked this client, “Why don’t you leave?” In that moment, I would have become the problem instead of the solution. She didn’t want to leave; she didn’t feel as if she needed to. 

My internship ended shortly after this session. I offered for this client to continue having sessions with the therapist on staff, but she was not interested. She never went back. I later found out that she did in fact get married to her abuser, and they lived happily ever after — until he killed her a little over a year later. 

This story sticks with me because it reminds me to be intentional about my time with clients and how I end things. It’s so much more than ending an agreement with a client; it’s the end of a relationship. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have been more intentional about including a long-term therapist in our sessions. I wouldn’t have ended things the way I did. My only hope is that someone else can learn from me and we can all be better when it comes to dealing with clients who have been or are currently experiencing intimate partner violence. 

 

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Leontyne Evans works as the survivor engagement specialist for Survivors Rising, where she helps to empower and uplift survivors by providing education and resources that encourage survivor voice and self-sufficiency. She is a published author of two books, Princeton Pike Road and Relationships, Friendships and Situationships: 90 Days of Inspiration to Keep Your Ships From Sinking, both of which support her mission of ending the cycle of unhealthy relationships. Contact her at leontynesurvivorsrising@gmail.com.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Using apps to promote client safety

By Marissa Gray and Victoria Kress August 12, 2020

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Daily, professional counselors work with clients who live in unsafe situations involving exposure to violent and exploitative relationships. These unsafe situations might include experiencing partner violence or being the victim of child abuse or human/sex trafficking.

Especially now, during the coronavirus pandemic, partner violence and child abuse are on the rise. Clients are at a heightened risk of violence during the pandemic because of increased stress (which can exacerbate violence), isolation from support systems, and more time spent in close quarters with potentially abusive family members.

When working with clients who are being victimized, counselors have an obligation to promote these individuals’ safety. While perpetrators often use technology against clients to control and further victimize them, recent technology apps have been developed that can help counselors facilitate client safety. We will discuss several of these apps in this article.

Harnessing technology to empower clients

Many client safety concerns must be considered in counseling. First, technology is often used by perpetrators as an additional vehicle for abuse. Technology outlets provide perpetrators with opportunities to antagonize, stalk and ultimately continue abusing and exploiting their victims. Technology that can be used to perpetuate abuse includes tracking devices, location-enabled applications on cellphones, cameras, microphones, social media apps and even simplistic communication methods such as abusive text messages, emails and phone calls.

Clients are often forced to surrender their devices completely, especially if their technology use is being monitored by their abuser or if their number is in any way known by their abuser. Clients might consider changing their phone numbers and presence on social media, but this can be difficult, expensive and time-consuming.

Although taking steps to maintain digital — and, thus, physical — safety involves placing thick boundaries around technology use, it is important to realize the role that technology can also play in supporting survivors’ safety, autonomy and empowerment, all of which are crucial factors in a trauma-informed counseling approach. Counselors can work with clients to maintain their desired level of digital connection while also encouraging them to take measures to be safe. 

Overview of apps for client safety

Several apps exist that can offer crucial support and assistance to clients. These apps are free and are compatible with iOS and Android devices, meaning they are widely accessible regardless of the devices clients use. These apps can be powerful and empowering resources. They are particularly helpful for those in violent relationships and for trafficking survivors seeking to extricate themselves from unsafe relationships. They can also empower clients who have been sexually abused or assaulted, as well as those looking to enhance their safety “just in case.”

All of these apps can be easily incorporated into clinical practice. For example, counselors can support survivors in setting up and configuring these apps and talk with clients about how best to use these apps to promote their safety. For many survivors, these apps can be a small step on the long road toward rehabilitating a sense of personal safety. Thus, counselors can play a crucial role in supporting survivors as they process the tangled emotions that accompany the steps of starting to feel safe again.

In this way, the use of technology via apps is an interactive and engaging intervention that can help empower survivors. By incorporating these safety apps into counseling, clinicians can help survivors begin to feel, perhaps for the first time, that they are worthy of protection and deserve to feel safe.

myPlan

Safety plans are an important part of counseling when working with clients in unsafe relationships. Historically, counselors have developed written safety plans on paper with clients, but these can be dangerous because abusers can discover them, and this may invite violence.

One app that can be useful in developing electronic safety plans is myPlan. This app allows clients to craft safety plans and keep them stored in the cloud of their devices. Plans are saved in the app itself, which is then backed up in the cloud, making it difficult for perpetrators/abusers to access.

On this app, individual survivors respond to several brief questions (automatically generated by the app) regarding their relationship and situation. The app then produces a safety plan tailored to the specific needs of the survivor, based on the responses the person provided to the questions.

Use of this app puts a more secure and technologically advanced spin on safety planning. Keeping safety plans in the cloud allows clients to have immediate access to their plans. In addition, this app connects survivors with local resources, live chats with advocates (trained volunteer advocates working with loveisrespect.org) and even emergency medical/shelter options. The live chat option provides real-time support for survivors that can complement and enhance the safety plan.

Noonlight (formerly SafeTrek)

Noonlight allows individuals to call emergency services without having to dial 911 or make any sudden motions that could alert the abuser that the person is seeking help. In actively unsafe situations, this app can save lives. The app can be especially useful for clients who remain in harm’s way or continue to have contact with their abusers.

Noonlight allows users to simply hold the phone in their pocket, purse or another location that is not suspicious. The app comes equipped with a large safety button that, when gently touched, gives real-time notification to local emergency services to send help. The app is location enabled and holds an individual’s data to pass along to law enforcement in the event that the individual is unable to speak, text or otherwise seek help.

This app can prove especially useful for individuals who are being restrained or are unable to verbally communicate their distress. Furthermore, it helps to provide peace of mind and a sense of empowerment to clients. If an individual is at risk of ongoing abuse, this app can assist them in acquiring emergency assistance.

Aspire News

Another app helpful for clients affected by unsafe situations or ongoing abuse is Aspire News. In the event that a client’s phone is being monitored, this app appears as an ordinary news app with daily headlines, weather reports and so on. Embedded in the “Help” section of the app, however, are emergency contacts, resources, and information on shelters and other supportive services offered to those affected by abuse. The app is location enabled, meaning that it can tailor resources for wherever the client is at that particular moment.

Although this app is geared mainly toward clients affected by relationship violence, it can be equally useful when working with clients in other unsafe situations. It may be especially helpful to those being trafficked because these individuals are moved around frequently and may not be aware of local resources or shelters where they can go for assistance. Aspire News can connect these individuals with resources wherever they go, regardless of their familiarity with the area.

Many resources in the app target survivors of intimate partner violence and sex trafficking, but they also service those experiencing sexual abuse or exploitation. Aspire News connects clients with resources such as shelters, food and hygiene pantries, case management, law enforcement and even counseling. Aspire News may be a helpful app to provide to any client concerned about an abuser searching their phones or punishing them for seeking help.

bSafe

The relatively new bSafe personal safety app offers a variety of helpful tools and resources. It provides specific supports to clients who may be enduring ongoing abusive situations and wish to record or gather evidence against their abusers. The evidence can then be saved to the cloud so that it cannot be destroyed.

The bSafe app has both audio and video recording capabilities (the form used is selected by the app’s user) to capture whatever abusive act may be occurring. The app also offers the ability to livestream an abusive incident or assault as it is occurring. All of these evidentiary recordings can be saved to the cloud to ensure that they are not lost or destroyed by an abuser, even if the abuser destroys the device itself. The app also forwards the footage or recording to trusted people whom the client has previously identified and included on their emergency contact list.

For clients who choose not to report their abuse, it can still be empowering for them to know they have evidence to document the trauma they have survived. This leaves the door open for them to report their abuse in the future if they so choose. Accruing such evidence may also help clients feel heard and believed concerning their lived experiences within an abusive relationship. The evidence gathered by the bSafe app may also assist clients in obtaining protective orders against their abusers or perpetrators.

In addition, the app can automatically alert contacts to call 911. The app is location enabled, meaning that it equips trusted social supports with the individual’s location in the event that the individual is in distress and unable to call for help themselves. The app also offers an SOS button and a “fake call” service, further allowing survivors to reach out for support during an abusive situation without pinging the radar of a perpetrator who may notice or monitor cellphone usage. By simply pressing the button, individuals are able to notify emergency services to send help immediately through use of the app’s location-enabled technology.

National Human Trafficking Hotline

Safety planning is crucial when working with clients who have experienced sex trafficking. These clients may be at ongoing risk as various abusers and pimps attempt to wrangle these individuals back into a life of exploitation. As counselors, we can empower this specific population with knowledge of ways to maintain safety during the recovery process.

The National Human Trafficking Hotline has recently begun offering more advanced and accessible options for individuals to use. The hotline provides a plethora of resources and assistance to help clients keep themselves safe. One such resource is the BeFree Textline; individuals can reach out for assistance by texting “HELP” to 233733 in the event they cannot speak freely in the presence of their traffickers or johns. This text line is a powerful resource to share with clients because it offers a great deal of support.

Crisis Text Line

The Crisis Text Line (CTL) can be reached by texting 741741. Callers are then connected with a trained crisis counselor. The CTL is a valid resource for all clients but has immense value for those impacted by relationship violence, trafficking or sexual abuse.

Given that the CTL communication occurs over text, many clients may find it less threatening, or perhaps less noticeable to their perpetrator, to connect with an advocate. The CTL will then connect clients with appropriate referrals and resources that they can use to find support and maintain their personal safety.

Empowering survivors with technology

The aforementioned resources offer examples of apps and other tools that can support clients in their ongoing struggle to maintain safety. Technology can play a unique and emerging role when we work with these resilient clients as counselors. These apps and text tools demonstrate recent advancements in technology that can foster support, safety planning and healing for clients.

Use of these tools is one small way to remind clients that they are indeed worthy of protection, safety, peace and healing. As counselors, we have the privilege of walking alongside these clients in their brave and unique recovery journeys. These technological nuggets provide resources to empower clients while helping to preserve their safety, dignity and healing resilience.

 

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Marissa Gray is a licensed professional counselor working at Youth Intensive Services in Youngstown, Ohio. She provides trauma counseling to those who have been involved in the sex trafficking industry. Contact her at mgray@youthintensiveservices.com.

Victoria Kress is a professor at Youngstown State University. She is a licensed professional clinical counselor and supervisor, national certified counselor and certified clinical mental health counselor. She has published extensively on many topics related to counselor practice, particularly regarding work with abuse and trauma survivors. Contact her at victoriaEkress@gmail.com.

 

Counseling Today reviews unsolicited articles written by American Counseling Association members. To access writing guidelines and tips for having an article accepted for publication, go to ct.counseling.org/feedback.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Keeping victims safe: Crisis response planning with perpetrators of IPV

By Thomas DiBlasi and Kelly Smith July 20, 2020

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One way that counselors can help victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) is to create behavioral crisis response plans with clients who are perpetrating the abuse. We (the authors of this article) have both worked in various roles with IPV programs, from direct service and administrative roles to research and advocacy. We believe that working with perpetrators of IPV is an essential component of reducing domestic violence.

As such, we are familiar with the research for treating perpetrators of IPV and find the results are often weak. Most clients report an increased desire to change on self-report measures but frequently lack follow-through (for more, see the 2008 article “Motivational interviewing as a pregroup intervention for partner-violent men” by Peter Musser and colleagues in the journal Violence and Victims). We can do more as counselors by providing these clients with behavioral support as they work to change. We must give the clients real, behavioral techniques that they can use in the moment. In this article, we share behavioral techniques that counselors can pass on to their clients to bring about real behavior change.

Crisis response planning (also known as safety planning) refers to creating an actionable plan when faced with a maladaptive response to a situation. Crisis response planning is often used with clients experiencing suicidal urges (as Barbara Stanley and Gregory Brown shared in their 2012 article, “Safety planning intervention: A brief intervention to mitigate suicide risk,” published in Cognitive and Behavioral Practice). In the context of IPV, safety planning has historically been associated with helping victims prepare for and engage in behaviors that will keep them most safe when faced with threats from a partner (for example, see Christine Murray and colleagues’ 2015 article, “Domestic violence service providers’ perceptions of safety planning: A focus group study,” in the Journal of Family Violence). We are advocating for the use of a crisis response plan, similar to that of Stanley and Brown’s, with clients who perpetrate IPV.

Crisis response planning is effective for mitigating acting on harmful urges; in this case, it is to manage urges to engage in abusive acts. To be clear, the objective of the crisis response plan is crisis management. It is not a tool that will reduce the occurrence of the urges to engage in abusive acts, but instead one that targets managing urges.

When the client perpetrating the abuse has an urge to engage in aggression, they will use the skills from the crisis response plan (which they co-create with their counselor) to refrain from acting on the abuse. Utilizing the crisis response plan allows clients to decrease their emotional arousal and to train themselves to engage in an alternative behavior when they have an urge to aggress.

This is no small feat given that these clients may have an ingrained history of acting on their urge. For every second that they are engaging in a coping skill from their crisis response plan, they are not aggressing. If a client goes from immediately acting on the urge to delaying the urge for 10 minutes, then therapy would shift from a focus on riding the urge to problem-solving and cognitive restructuring.

A crisis response plan for perpetrators of IPV

The adapted crisis response plan by Stanley and Brown asks questions to help clients identify warning signs, coping strategies, people they can call, emergency contacts, how to make the environment safe, and the most important reason to not engage in abusive acts. It is recommended that clients repeatedly review the crisis response plan and carry it with them at all times. The following is a review of each section of the crisis response plan.

Identify warning signs. When asking clients who perpetrate abusive acts to identify warning signs that lead to abusive behavior, it is best to focus on cross-contextual experiences. For example, helping clients identify that they are more likely to engage in abusive behaviors when the dishes are not done is good, but what is more helpful is identifying their anger (which is likely an underlying emotion). Anger has been consistently identified as a proximal factor in IPV but is not consistently addressed in treatment for IPV. Identifying the anger as a warning sign will transcend more contexts and ultimately make the crisis response plan more helpful. Warning signs could include physiological arousal, emotions, and thoughts such as demandingness or personalization.

Activate internal coping strategies. Internal coping strategies keep the clients from engaging in abusive behavior against their partners. These strategies may not reduce their anger or the experience of their urges, but the goal of the strategies is to not act on the urge. As long as they are not choosing abusive behavior toward their partner, they are being skillful. Using distraction (e.g., watching TV, going for a walk, listening to music), practicing progressive muscle relaxation, or listening to a funny show, skit or video (humor is a useful intervention in reducing anger) can all be helpful.

A skill that many clients like is changing one’s temperature. It involves holding one’s breath underwater for 30 seconds to activate the mammalian dive reflex, at which point the temperature causes the client’s heart rate to decrease, also lowering their anger levels. If they are not able to hold their breath underwater for 30 seconds (e.g., by using a sink), they can splash cold water on their face or use ice cubes. Clients may be more likely to use this coping strategy if they practice it in session. If they are wearing a Fitbit or something similar, they can instantly see the effects. This skill is commonly used as a crisis management skill in dialectical behavior therapy.

The most important thing is finding and listing the skills that work for your client.

Activate external coping strategies. It is important to help clients build self-efficacy by using their internal coping skills first. However, if they are not able to manage the urge or think they may still engage in aggression, then it is best for them to call someone. Calling a friend or a family member can serve as a distraction. The client does not necessarily need to tell the person about their urge to engage in abusive behavior. If your client can identify a friend who loves to talk about themselves, now is the time for them to call that friend. Talking to someone on the phone decreases the likelihood that the client will act on their urge. If that is not effective, they can call someone they trust (e.g., a close friend or family member, a spiritual guide) to speak to about the situation. If they are still fighting the urge to aggress, they can contact a crisis resource (see the resources provided at the end of this article).

Plan ahead. In addition to intervening, the crisis response plan also works as a preventive measure by focusing on what the client can do to make the environment safe. This could mean removing threatening objects (e.g., knives) or speaking through a locked door. For instance, if the client or their partner know they are about to have a difficult conversation concerning finances, they could agree to have the conversation standing on opposite sides of a physically locked door in the home so they are separated from each other, or they could agree to have another person present. Many clients who perpetrate IPV will not engage in abuse behaviors toward their partner in front of another person.

Lastly, the crisis response plan asks the client to name the most important reason for them to change. It is best to frame the reason in a positive direction (“I want a strong, healthy relationship with my wife and kids”) rather than the absence of something (“I don’t want to get divorced”). This reason reminds the client what they are working toward, so it is best to bring up this reason frequently in treatment.

Practice. The crisis response plan works best when it is rehearsed outside of the triggering context. Similar to basketball players rehearsing their form in practice so that they can shoot the ball in the game (and under pressure), a client needs to rehearse these behaviors prior to using them in the moment.

Behavior change is hard, particularly for clients who engage in abusive behaviors toward their partners. Trying to come up with alternative behaviors while angry is unlikely, particularly given that anger is associated with tunnel vision. Practicing these skills ahead of time allows the client to expand their behavioral repertoire in the heat of the moment.

Additionally, behavior change is challenging given that clients’ abusive behaviors have been positively reinforced in the short term. Clients who engage in IPV often get what they want after committing the abusive act (e.g., punishing their partner). Counselors working with clients who perpetrate abuse know that abusive behaviors are learned behaviors. The crisis response plan assists in clients learning new, more positive behaviors between sessions.

Working with perpetrators is an essential part of reducing instances of IPV and increasing victim safety. Crisis response plans provide an effective tool for counselors to use in their work with these clients.

 

Additional resources

 

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Thomas DiBlasi is an assistant professor at St. Joseph’s College where he teaches undergraduate students and researches domestic violence, anger, aggression and revenge. He has given presentations locally, nationally and internationally and has published predominantly on anger and aggression. He is a member of the leadership committee for the special interest group of Forensic and Externalizing Behaviors. Contact him at tdiblasi@sjcny.edu.

Kelly Smith is a licensed professional counselor and approved clinical supervisor who began her work with sexual assault and domestic violence (SA/DV) agencies in 2006. She is also a certified partner abuse intervention professional. Beginning in 2015, she facilitated partner abuse intervention program groups and, most recently, served as director of abuse intervention services for a comprehensive SA/DV organization in Illinois. She is an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling at Springfield College with a research agenda that includes addressing issues related to perpetrators of IPV. Contact her at ksmith27@springfieldcollege.edu.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

How to help domestic violence clients during shelter-in-place situations

By Federico Carmona April 13, 2020

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It’s heartbreaking to read the variety of articles circulating about vulnerable people trapped at home with their abusers because of shelter-in-place mandates during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Unfortunately, experience reminds us of a concerning reality that is typical of these uncertain times: Adverse labor market conditions are positively related to domestic violence. Research conducted after the Great Depression of the 1930s, the farm crisis of the 1980s, and the Great Recession of 2008 found that economic crises have significant negative effects on the quality of intimate relationships and parenting in working families. Marital conflict, abuse (particularly violent controlling behavior), and a decline in parenting quality are among the harmful effects in families of a macroeconomic downturn.

In my role as a trauma therapist, I have seen dozens of domestic violence clients during clinical intakes and in counseling. I have also read a multitude of articles on the subject about studies and reports from different parts of the world. Shelter-in-place mandates aren’t a good thing for women and children who are the targets of abuse. The anticipatory anxiety and uncertainty of these times can cause negative emotions to churn, leading to behaviors that increase the already-concerning number of domestic violence and child abuse cases. There is no “how-to” manual to deal with the current situation, of course, but the safety of this vulnerable population demands us to do our best.

How can the counseling community help domestic violence clients who are trapped at home with their abusers? I offer a few suggestions:

Reach out between appointments/sessions. One of the critical signs of abuse is the isolation of victims of domestic violence from their networks of love and support. An occasional check-in from us can empower these clients to tell us more about their situations and perhaps even dissuade their abusers from further violence as we keep checking in.

Listen, just listen. People experiencing domestic violence need an empathic ear — someone who will allow them to vent their repressed emotions and feelings without judgment. We are not to offer advice, only listen and empathize. It’s just time to build trust.

Validate clients’ feelings, emotions and beliefs even when they don’t make sense. The best way to build trust with clients experiencing domestic violence is by being present with them. We’re present with them through our vicarious empathy, active listening and compassionate validation. Our empathy is vicarious because it takes an emotional toll to connect with someone’s anguish and suffering. Active listening requires us to be disciplined enough to fully concentrate on what the client is saying rather than on the answer that we might have in mind to their situation. Clients experiencing domestic violence require validation — compassionate validation — because many times, their decisions (or lack of them), circumstances and beliefs don’t make sense to us.

Introduce them to mindfulness exercises. Clients experiencing domestic violence live in a world of fear and anxiety because of the cycle of abuse. At first, they’re worried because of their confusion and inability to make sense of and control the incipient abuse. In time, as the abuse increases, worry turns into anxiety and fear.

Mindfulness can help these clients become aware of their emotions, thoughts and bodies to take control of them and find much-needed relaxation. Meditation exercises shouldn’t necessarily be long. There are plenty of sites online with short, simple exercises, from breathing to stretching, that can help clients gain the bodily and emotional awareness they need to function.

Remind clients of their strengths and qualities. One of the benefits of practicing active listening is the ability to notice in clients’ stories what they have forgotten about themselves: their own power, qualities and strengths. By doing this, we help clients not only to survive their circumstances but also to move toward a better future as survivors of domestic violence who deserve lives of meaning and purpose.

Help clients to start a project. Because of shelter-in-place mandates, more perpetrators of abuse are at home all of the time. This increases the emotional state of “walking on eggshells” for domestic violence clients. We can help distract these clients from that state by brainstorming with them or suggesting a project to them. It could be an individual project based on their abilities, strengths and qualities that we noticed in their stories, or it could be a project that involves their children.

Assist clients in making a safety plan. Making a safety plan is incredibly useful. It doesn’t need to be complicated or lengthy. The simplest way of doing this is by helping these clients become aware of their circumstances (call the problem what it is — domestic violence). The rest of the plan might involve:

  • Trying to avoid conflicts and arguments during the mandated confinement
  • Involving their children in most of their home activities
  • Reaching out to relatives and trusted friends (when possible)
  • Being prepared to leave at any moment (i.e., having money, documents, car keys, children’s backpacks filled with some clothes and snacks ready to go)
  • Calling 911 when they feel that they or their children are in danger (even in a shelter-in-place situation, law enforcement will issue an emergency protective order to separate victims from their abusers)

Involve others. We can help our clients experiencing domestic violence to think about the resources they possess to deal with their situation. One of these resources could be men who are part of the couple’s life in some way (e.g., clergy, friends, relatives, co-workers, classmates, teachers, bosses).

When families and friends get involved, perpetrators of abuse can sometimes be dissuaded from causing harm to their partners and children. The presence of fathers, brothers, neighbors and friends prompts accountability. Some of these individuals might be willing to offer their support and speak up against the ongoing abuse. Victims of domestic violence can only break their silence and become survivors if they feel supported. We need to be cautious, however, and see each client in their particular context, giving consideration to whether this type of intervention could put them in more danger than they already are.

Help clients build a network of support. Isolation is one of the most critical signs of abuse. It creates a hated dependency on the abuser. Imposed isolation robs victims of domestic violence of their personhood. It suppresses their voice and identity piece by piece as family members and friends are pushed away. Connections are the simplest way to beat domestic violence. It is critical that victims of domestic violence get reconnected with relationships they trust. It is also crucial to get these clients connected with other survivors of domestic violence (via online groups) so they can claim their victory and begin the journey of healing from the trauma caused by the abuse.

Inspire clients to pursue self-sufficiency. Studies show that when women’s wages are relative to those of men in dual-income couples, there is a significant reduction in domestic violence. To be self-sufficient is to have bargaining power. It’s to have the ability to exert influence in the relationship. There are public resources designated to help survivors of domestic violence pursue further training and education with the purpose of becoming self-sufficient. Check with social services agencies about these resources.

These recommendations aren’t intended to override the urgency of calling 911 when someone is facing a clear and present danger at home. Let law enforcement personnel figure out how they will bring individuals and families to safety during shelter-in-place situations. Emergency protective orders are being issued even with the courts closed.

 

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Federico Carmona is a trauma therapist for victims of domestic and sexual violence at Peace Over Violence in Los Angeles. He is also an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church. The experience of domestic abuse in his ministry and his own family motivated him to seek specialization in clinical counseling, specifically in trauma, to assist survivors of domestic and sexual abuse and violence to reclaim their identity, peace, and lives with dignity and purpose. Contact him at federico@peaceoverviolence.org.

 

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.