The following vignette describes an actual situation that occurred in one of my diversity workshops. In addition to the vignette, I am including my thoughts/rationale and the intervention I used, as well as questions for other group facilitators to consider, group/dyad exercises and a summary that helps to place the event in a larger societal context.

This vignette is adapted from my diversity training manual, The Art of Mindful Facilitation, although the manual is not necessarily meant to be a faithful adaptation of the accompanying film clip. This month’s article looks at the issues of shame and blame.

This is meant to be an interactive process, so I ask that readers follow the steps below in their suggested order.

1) Watch this short video clip:

2) Return to this article and read the vignette.

3) Answer the “practice process questions” following the vignette.

4) Before reading further, write your own intervention.

5) After writing your intervention, read the remainder of the article, which includes my thoughts, the intervention I used and a summary.

For an introduction to this series, read “Group process from a diversity lens” in the April issue of Counseling Today.

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In this particular diversity workshop, I showed the film Last Chance for Eden. In one of the scenes, an African American woman talks about being stopped by the police. This started a conversation among the workshop participants.

I asked the participants to stand or raise their hands if they felt they had ever been pulled over by the police because of the color of their skin. A black woman shared that she was driving home late one night when she was pulled over for no apparent reason and forced to get out of her car while the police questioned her.

She described the scene like this: “The police officer starts saying, ‘Well, what do we have here? Where did the girlfriend get the car?’ And I’m not saying anything. He tells me to step out of the car. And he says, ‘Where are you going?’”

I asked the audience members to raise their hands if this story was familiar to them. Most of the people of color raised their hands. Suddenly, a Caucasian woman, Susan, jumped up and yelled, “This workshop is police bashing!”

Practice process questions for group facilitators

1) What came up for you when watching the video and reading this vignette?

2) What key words would you focus in on?

3) What are the issues sitting in the middle of the room?

4) What do you think are Susan’s issues with the workshop? Why?

5) What is familiar about this situation?

6) What do you think Susan wants? Why?

7) Why do you think she is so angry?

8) Who would you work with first?

9) How would you include the group?

My thoughts

I wasn’t surprised by Susan’s remark but rather by her intensity and passion. I had a feeling there was something very personal connected to her reaction. She wasn’t simply someone who didn’t believe the stories being shared in the workshop; she was someone who had a deeper stake in these stories.

I suspected there was yet another story behind Susan’s statement. It was what she wasn’t saying that needed to be shared. From there, a deeper dialogue could be pursued between the victims, their perpetrators and the larger community. Those who had told their stories had created an opening for everyone else.

What was also important here was not to forget the trauma of the victims who had shared their stories of racism and police harassment. They too needed to be acknowledged and supported, as well as for some action to be taken. In the process, we also needed to discover how many others in the audience didn’t believe the victims or felt that the diversity workshop was police bashing.

My intervention

I told Susan I had a hunch that I wanted to check out. “Do you have a partner or a relative in law enforcement?” I asked. She said, “Yes,” and then started to cry out loud.

I asked her what that was like. She poured her heart out about how hard it was to see her husband go out at night, not knowing for certain he would return. She apologized for being so outspoken but said she wanted people to know that her husband really cared about people too.

Group/dyad debrief

1) What came up for you during this experience?

2) Who did you identify with? Why?

3) What was good about this and what was hard? Why?

4) What do the black woman and Susan have in common?

5) What came up for you when most of the people of color raised their hands?

6) What would be a good question to ask them?

Workshop issues

Blame

The definition of blame is assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong. Those who are heavily into blaming often feel powerless and/or overwhelmed by some perceived wrong. As a consequence, something in their lives remains unfinished and continues to wound and stimulate them.

Inquire whether they are blaming an individual, a group or an institution. The perpetrator or institution may be unavailable for dialogue, which therefore brings about feelings of depression and hopelessness.

Those who are blaming are often unable to be direct with their own feelings. Hence, they are often left with unfinished feelings that foster resentment and anguish.

What kinds of “rewards” do they get from being victimized? On the other side, what is lost from their lives when they are unable to feel relaxed and safe?

Suggested interventions

1) Through the use of role-play, have the participant confront his or her perpetrator(s) by choosing audience members who most closely represent the perpetrator(s).

2) Have the participant share what he or she needs to heal.

3) Ask the participant what effect this experience has had on his or her life. What has the participant “lost”?

4) Ask what part of the perpetrator(s) is also a part of the participant.

5) Does the participant want a solution?

6) Explore the kinds of feelings the participant is withholding.

7) What is the participant’s individual, group or family history regarding this issue?

Shame

The definition of shame is a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, guilt, disgrace or unworthiness.

The difference between shame and guilt is that people who feel shame think they are inherently shameful, whereas people who feel guilty typically associate that feeling with a specific act or situation.

People who feel shame often look down or avert their eyes when talking about their experiences. Have them look up, not only to face those around them, but also to be seen, accepted and possibly forgiven.

Shame often “freezes” people to the past and makes them feel powerless. The work is to have them relate what happened and how it affects them today. This gives their shame a face and present-tense reality.

Suggested interventions

1) When she or he is finished sharing, have the group notice the impact of what happened to that person.

2) Have the group repeat back what it heard.

3) Ask group members if they have ever felt ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know about it. If they are willing, have them share their personal stories.

4) Have the group members share how they feel about this person. In the cycle of shame, a main cause is the feeling of unworthiness. By having group members share how they feel about this person in a positive way, they offer acceptance and healing.

We all have something of which we are ashamed. To go on with our lives, we need to take responsibility, forgive ourselves and others, and then try again.

Group summary

As the facilitator, I presented the following summary to the entire group:

“If I hadn’t asked what was underneath Susan’s remark, we would never have known the deeper story behind her words. Everyone has a story, and if we don’t jump too quickly into being defensive or adversarial, we can learn about their lives and what they have gone through to get to this room today.

“There are good law enforcement officers everywhere, and their jobs are important and perilous at the same time. But as in all professions, there are also those who use their positions to harm others and who act out racism and sexism. It is imperative to bring them to justice because they not only rob individuals of their dignity and well-being, but they also tarnish a community’s reputation and the sense of safety for all its citizens.

“Susan, I heard you say that your husband cares for justice. In that case, I have a hunch that he would not stand for the things that happened to these folks. When he and members of this community stand together and say ‘no more,’ then it will exemplify the very best in a community — ensuring happiness and equal protection for all its citizens. Would your husband be willing to meet these folks and see what he can do to help?”

Susan was certain that he would be willing to do that. The audience applauded.

****

Lee Mun Wah is a Chinese American documentary filmmaker, author, educator, community therapist and diversity trainer. For more information, including a link to his services and trainings, visit the StirFry Seminars & Consulting website at stirfryseminars.com.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

The following vignette describes an actual situation that occurred in one of my diversity workshops. In this case, I was called in to show a film at a university in the Midwest to about 300 students, faculty members and folks in the community. A young Jamaican man volunteered to share his experience as a student in the community, which was predominantly white.

In addition to the vignette, I am also including my thoughts/rationale and the interventions I used, as well as questions for the facilitator, group/dyad exercises and a summary that helps to place the event in a larger societal context. All the vignettes featured in this series are adapted from my diversity training manual, The Art of Mindful Facilitation, although the manual is not necessarily meant to be a faithful adaptation of the film clip. In each article, I also include a reference to the presenting workshop issue related to the vignette — in this month’s case, the issue of denial.

This is an interactive process, so I ask that readers follow the steps below in their suggested order.

1) Watch this short video clip :

2) Return to this article and read the vignette.

3) Answer the practice process questions following the vignette description.

4) Before reading further, write your own intervention.

5) After writing your intervention, read the remainder of the article, which includes my thoughts, the intervention I used and a summary.

For an introduction to this series, read “Group process from a diversity lens” in the April issue of Counseling Today (also available at ct.counseling.org under the “Features” tab).

****

Vignette 

After watching a film on racism at one of my diversity workshops, a young Jamaican student, Thomas, shared that he had been stopped by a deputy for no apparent reason other than driving in a white neighborhood. During questioning, the deputy had shoved a gun in Thomas’ mouth. Eventually, Thomas was released without being charged.

After sharing his experience with the workshop audience, Thomas quickly sat down, visibly shaken.

Immediately, the town sheriff who was in attendance jumped up and told the mostly white audience how dangerous it was to be a law enforcement officer. “We’re always on duty and we’re always on guard,” he said. He then asserted how proud he was of his department in carrying out its responsibilities to protect the town’s citizens.

The audience gave him a standing ovation. The sheriff sat down after smiling and waving to the audience.

Thomas looked down and away from the group.

Practice process questions for the facilitator

1) What came up for you when watching this video and reading the vignette?

2) Who would you choose to work with first as the group facilitator? Why?

3) What are some of the key words still ringing in your ears?

4) How did you feel about the sheriff?

5) How do you want this to all end up? Why?

6) What do you think Thomas needs? Why?

7) What do you think the sheriff needs? Why?

8) What are you afraid might not happen? Why?

At this point, I suggest you write your own intervention before reading the remainder of the article.

My thoughts

I would have preferred to work with Thomas first, but the sheriff’s behavior prompted an immediate response. It was not easy listening to the sheriff because the way he spoke sounded all too familiar to me. It reminded me of those who trivialized my experience as a person of color by only talking about themselves. What was important here was to notice how I was feeling and why, because it would show up in what I didn’t say and create dissonance between my words and actions.

The work of a facilitator is to stay focused and neutral while being a container for as much information as possible. When I become too biased, the focus shifts away from the client’s needs and onto mine. As the sheriff was talking, I kept checking in with myself: “What do you see and hear? What did you not hear and not see? Trust your instincts, and don’t be afraid to use your own experiences as a guide. Be still, listen, feel and stay awake to the past and the present.” The clues are everywhere.

Two things struck me immediately as the sheriff was talking. He was obviously feeling defensive about the department and his role as the sheriff. He said something quite significant — that the police were here to protect and serve the citizens in this town. That statement gave me a glimpse of a possible opening between the sheriff and Thomas. If that were true, then what of Thomas’ “protection”?

My sense was that the sheriff did not see Thomas as a citizen, as part of the community. As a person of color, he was an outsider who was inside a white community. The challenge would be to use the sheriff’s energy without escalating his denial and defensiveness, while simultaneously bringing about some validation to Thomas’ traumatic experience. Not an easy balance.

My intervention

One of the key phrases in this story was that Thomas had a gun in his mouth. Physically and symbolically, he could not speak, and if he tried, his life would be in danger. The goal, therefore, was to help Thomas reclaim his voice so that he could express his anger and hurt at the injustice done to him.

The connection between the sheriff and Thomas was the deputy. So, I said to the sheriff, “You’re not finished yet. You left something out. Come on back up here.”

I then asked Thomas to come up next to the sheriff. I did this because it was important to have the two face each other to diffuse the tension and to help create a more intimate dialogue between the two. My experience has been that when you bring two folks in conflict together in closer physical proximity, the energy changes. There is now a face to go with the hurt and anguish, not just a group or an issue to hurl insults at unabated.

Sometimes folks can be retraumatized if they are brought together. So it is important to be cautious and aware and to follow the emotional cues of each person.

The question I had for the sheriff was, “After hearing Thomas’ story, don’t you want to know who the deputy was?” I chose this question because it is what I would have thought of if I were the sheriff or Thomas.

The sheriff was shocked at my question. He hadn’t even thought of asking this question, and neither, I suspect, had most of the audience. He hesitated and then said, “Of course.” However, I told him because of confidentiality and for legal reasons, he needed to ask Thomas after the workshop.

My second question was whether the sheriff wanted to know how the gun incident had affected Thomas. He thought about it and then nodded reluctantly. “Ask him,” I said. I did this so the sheriff could model for the community what is needed when one truly listens to someone who has been traumatized or oppressed.

I also did this for Thomas, because this was the part of the incident that he had internalized — that part of himself that was still stuck in that dark, lonely night. I was taking Thomas back to the scene of the crime. By having him tell the sheriff and the community his story, it would help break the isolation and the horror of feeling so alone with his experience. It would give a face to what happened — only this time, there would be witnesses and he would have his chance to speak and be seen. It would help “break the silence” and the doubts he carried about what had happened.

To help ease Thomas into sharing, I said to him, “I know this isn’t easy for you, but you need to go back there, to that night with the deputy, to take back what was taken from you.” Thomas told the audience how frightening it was and how he thought he was going to die on that night. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. He also shared how nervous he still got whenever he saw the police now and acknowledged having nightmares since that night.

I asked the sheriff to repeat what he had heard and how he felt. He said, “It must have been really frightening.” At that point, Thomas had tears in his eyes and so did the sheriff. I said to the audience, “This is what racism does — it changes your life. As you can hear in Thomas’ story, that experience is with him today as if it happened yesterday, and until he is believed and something is done about it, he will never be finished with that night and neither will this community.” Thomas nodded, looking down at the floor.

I then asked Thomas and the sheriff if they would be willing to get to know each other. They both agreed. I then asked Thomas if he would be willing to have the sheriff over for dinner. He laughed because he didn’t think the sheriff would come. So, I asked the sheriff, and he accepted the invitation.

I then asked the sheriff to imagine he was driving to Thomas’ home and all the neighbors were looking out their windows wondering why he was there. I asked the sheriff if he was nervous yet and he said, “You bet I am.” The audience laughed.

I then told Thomas to imagine that the sheriff was ringing the doorbell and that he was slowly walking toward the door. I asked him if he was nervous and he said, “Yeah, I am. Wouldn’t you be? No sheriff has ever come into our house. In fact, no white person has ever come to our house.” At that point, they both looked at each other and laughed because it was true for the sheriff too — no person of color had ever come into his home.

I shared with the audience that perhaps being courageous is also being scared. I told the sheriff that if he never went to Thomas’ home, then he and Thomas would never be able to heal over what had happened with the deputy, and if the sheriff didn’t see that justice was done with the deputy, then Thomas would tell his community. As a consequence, the community would probably not be there for the police department when it needed the community’s support.

The sheriff nodded, and so did Thomas. They shook hands and hugged, and the audience applauded them both.

Group/dyad debrief

1) What came up for you during this discussion?

2) What is familiar about what transpired?

3) Who did you identify with — the sheriff or Thomas? Why?

4) Where was the turning point in this discussion between Thomas and the sheriff?

5) At what point were you scared during this exchange?

6) If you could say something to the sheriff, what would that be?

7) If you could say something to Thomas, what would that be?

8) What do you think it will take for this community to come together?

Workshop issue

The presenting workshop issue in this vignette is denial (page 28 in The Art of Mindful Facilitation manual). Supplementing your intervention with this issue will provide some useful inquiries to choose from.

Group summary

The summary provides a way to create closure by identifying a larger societal context to what happened and also by sharing what is needed. It is also a time to acknowledge those who have shared. The facilitator presents this summary to the whole group.

Acknowledge the sheriff and Thomas for their courage and risk-taking and for staying in the room.

Acknowledge the group for being present and supporting the two participants instead of taking sides, which would have added to the escalation of a situation.

Point out that merely hearing a victim’s story is not enough. It requires empathy, compassion, understanding and the willingness to act so that this situation and experience isn’t repeated.

A “community” means that everyone is important and needs to be a valued participant.

Share with the audience that the sheriff and Thomas need their support in following through with their commitments to each other. Without that support, it will be so easy to just get back into daily life and forget the importance of what happened.

Tell the audience: “What transpired today wasn’t easy. There was no model for them to follow — just their willingness to try to hear each other. The real work is staying in the room with each other instead of running away.”

****

Lee Mun Wah is a Chinese American documentary filmmaker, author, educator, community therapist and diversity trainer. For more information, including a link to his services and trainings, visit the StirFry Seminars & Consulting website at stirfryseminars.com.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

This vignette and those to follow in the coming months are actual situations that have occurred in my diversity workshops. They will include my thoughts/rationale and the interventions I used, as well as questions for the facilitator, group/dyad exercises and a summary that helps to place the event in a larger societal context. All the vignettes are adapted from my diversity training manual, The Art of Mindful Facilitation. In each article, I will also include an example of the presenting workshop issue related to the vignette — in this month’s case, the issue of fear.

This is an interactive process, so I ask that readers follow the steps below in their suggested order to better serve the purpose of these articles, which is to explore alternative and culturally responsive counseling and facilitation techniques and perspectives.

1) Watch this short video clip:

2) Return to this article and read the description of the vignette.

3) Answer the “practice process questions” following the description of the vignette.

4) Before reading further, write your own intervention.

5) After writing your intervention, read the remainder of the article, which includes my thoughts, the intervention I used and a summary.

For an introduction to this series, read “Group process from a diversity lens” in the April issue of Counseling Today (also available at ct.counseling.org under the “Features” tab).

****

Vignette description

Prior to doing a diversity workshop, my co-facilitator, Linda (an African American woman), and I (a Chinese American man) were the recipients of a threatening letter sent to my home. The letter said that if we did the workshop, we would be shot. This was the one and only time I have been threatened. On the day of the workshop, security guards escorted Linda and me into the room, and participants were searched at the door.

A European American man wearing sunglasses would not let Linda begin the workshop until she answered whether she had a diversity training license. Linda tried to tell him that she had a master’s in counseling and five years of experience in diversity work, but he maintained his line of questioning, badgering her, “Do you or don’t you have a license in diversity?”

She finally said, “You must know there is no license in diversity.”

The man insisted that Linda, being unlicensed, could make it unsafe and even dangerous if someone became traumatized during the workshop. He then became increasingly insulting: “You have nothing to show us or tell us about that shows that you have some sort of credentials. … You could be a waitress in Sloppy Joe’s.”

Linda became incensed. “If you want to do this,” she said, “I’d welcome you to come up and do it.”

The man hesitated and then asked me whether I had a license. Without giving me a chance to answer, and referring to me as “Man Wah,” he said, “He’s being inscrutable.”

Practice process questions for the facilitator

1) What was hard for you about this vignette? Why?

2) What are some of the key words to focus in on?

3) What do you think is angering the European American man? Why?

4) At what point did Linda get “hooked”? Why?

5) What do you think the man wants?

6) What is not being said?

7) What do you think is needed here?

8) How can you include the participants in this conversation?

9) Who would you work with first? Why?

10) What is frustrating about the European American man?

At this point, I suggest you write your own intervention before reading the remainder of the article.

My thoughts

I believe that all group facilitators and trainers, if they are truly honest with themselves, carry with them an image of someone whom they most fear will show up in their workshops. I was no exception. For a long time, I carried within me a fear that I would someday meet someone like my father. Someone who was powerful and charismatic and loud enough to make me feel worthless and inarticulate. Someone who wouldn’t let me talk or continue on with the workshop and who knew my deepest doubts about myself.

When I looked around at the faces in the room at this particular workshop, I could sense the tension was building. A scattering of folks of color were in attendance, but this was the norm at most of our seminars — 20 percent or less of people of color and always 80 percent or more white. And then I saw him.

My worst fears were personified. Sitting right in front of me was a white man, wearing sunglasses and sitting loosely in his chair with a swagger that befitted his arrogance. He was in charge, and everyone around him was aware of his presence and the power he wielded.

I turned away and quickly walked outside to the hallway, trembling. I was truly afraid this could be the day that all of my experiences and knowledge would be for naught. That he would have his way with the audience and I would be left looking helpless and humiliated. I prayed to my mom who was murdered in 1985, as well as to my ancestors, to give me strength and wisdom to make it through this day.

My co-facilitator Linda introduced herself and explained why we were here. The man with the sunglasses interrupted her abruptly, asking, “Do you have a license to do diversity?” Linda struggled to explain that there was no license for diversity and that her master’s degree in counseling and her five years of experience were sufficient. I could tell that she knew the man was already aware of this fact and that this was just an elaborate trap to get her to disclose it publicly. I realized that in just a few seconds, he would be coming after me.

The intervention I used

When the man with the sunglasses finally did ask me for my license, I realized there was no use telling him how good a person I was or saying that I had even more credentials than Linda.

Most trainers will tell you that you’ve got to do something at this point. In this case, I needed a little more time. So I blurted out, “I would be glad to answer your question on one condition — that you, first, answer a question for me.” In reality, I had no idea of any condition, let alone one condition. But it did buy me a few valuable seconds because everyone just stared at me with absolute anticipation and curiosity.

So, I slowly walked toward him. Along the way, I realized I was angry at him. But angry at what? I didn’t even know him. And then it came to me. I was angry because this scene was all too familiar to me. I had seen it again and again happening to people of color and women and gays and lesbians and to those who were poor and without power — always having to prove to a white man that we’re good enough, smart enough, experienced enough or professional enough. So, I said to him, “Would you have asked me for my credentials or license if I were a white man?” The room was stunned by my question, even more because it was the truth.

He leaned back and to my amazement said, “OK, you got me.” I was stunned at how fast he was willing to admit what he had done. On the surface, this sounded pretty good, didn’t it? Another Kodak moment. But I didn’t want this to be just about the both of us. I had to find a way to bring it back out to the rest of the group so that it would be a learning opportunity for everyone.

So I told him, “I wasn’t out to get you. I just wanted you to get a sense of what it is like for folks of color to prove on a daily basis that they’re just as good as anyone else. How many of you in this room know what I am talking about? Please stand.”

All the folks of color, as well as all the women, stood up. From there, the stories just poured out from the people of color. Unwittingly, the white man was the catalyst for sharing something larger than the two of us — what it was really like at work and in this country, on a daily basis, as a person of color.

When my worst fear finally happened, what transpired changed my life. It was perhaps the day of my reckoning. And what I learned not only saved my life but also created a template — using what had hurt me in my life to foster deeper understanding when it happened again.

Group/dyad debrief

1) What came up for you when you were listening to this unfold?

2) What’s familiar or unfamiliar to you in this story?

3) What hurt or angered you about this story?

4) What scared you about this story? Why?

5) What inspired you about this story? Why?

6) What are your fears of a particular group or person?

Workshop issues

The presenting workshop issue in this vignette is fear (page 31 in The Art of Mindful Facilitation manual). Viewing this issue from a mindful perspective will supplement your intervention and provide some useful inquiries to choose from.

The definition of fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, is a threat or is likely to cause pain. For fear to be healed, one needs to penetrate the “walls” that surround that fear.

One of the manifestations of fear is generalizing the experience and associating it with other similar groups, situations and issues. Fear is based on our perceptions and experiences.

Suggested interventions

1) Have the participant share what happened. Help with defining the fearful experience. Give it a face, a place and a voice.

2) Inquire about the issues surrounding the fear(s).

3) Find out what is needed and what is not needed.

4) What is the cost of the person’s fears emotionally and physically?

5) What are the rewards and consequences of the person’s fears being revealed?

6) When appropriate, use role plays as a way of confronting and reframing the person’s trauma.

7) Update the fear to the present tense. Are those fears still real, or are they rooted in the past? Does the person still feel helpless and unprotected?

8) Solicit “allies” to be supportive. Have audience members share similar fears and the consequences of those experiences on their lives. This will help break the cycle of aloneness and isolation.

Group summary

The summary provides a way to create closure by identifying a larger societal context to what happened and also to share what is needed. It is also a time to acknowledge those who have shared. The facilitator presents this summary to the entire group.

“The real work here is to realize that when conflict occurs, it is important to truly listen to each other and to learn what it has taken for someone to get to this room. Along with this is our willingness to stay in the room when it hurts or when we are misunderstood.

“It was not who was wrong or right here today, but rather what causes us to treat each other so differently. What have we learned that causes us to fear or to doubt another’s abilities and intelligence?

“How willing are we to learn about each other’s differences? In other words, it is time to get outside of our familiar world and to explore those places we have never been to and with people who look and act and think differently from ourselves.

“These are the two Americas. Which one are you a part of? And what are you doing to end racism on a daily basis?

“James Baldwin was right. America is one tough town.”

****

Lee Mun Wah is a Chinese American documentary filmmaker, author, educator, community therapist and diversity trainer. For more information, including a link to his services and trainings, visit the StirFry Seminars & Consulting website at stirfryseminars.com.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org