“Cathy’s” life has just been turned upside down. She picked up her husband’s cellphone only to discover a loving message from his affair partner. Cathy’s brain is spinning, and her emotions are all over the map. She feels embarrassed and alone, disconnected and detached from reality. She questions whether her entire relationship has been an enormous lie. She questions her attractiveness, her sexuality and her ability to ever trust anyone again. She feels as if she were just pushed out of an airplane and fell with no parachute.
As a certified sex addiction therapist and a member of the American Counseling Association, I (Allan) have seen firsthand that betrayal trauma is real. The shock is debilitating for betrayed partners and can last for years. Their lives are broken to pieces, and they are overwhelmed with shame, often thinking, “How could I be so stupid not to realize what was happening right under my nose? I’m such a fool for trusting him/her.” They feel they are going crazy.
But these feelings are all normal because in all likelihood, this is the most shocking and confounding crisis they have ever experienced. After all, they thought they knew their partner and never thought their partner would cheat. The reality of the situation rocks the foundational values they have believed in and based their lives on. What is perhaps most disturbing is that they were going about their daily routine in the safety of their own home, and, in an instant, a discovery upends their world. It happens through answering a knock at the door, reading a random text, picking up a ringing telephone or — the most common form of discovery — turning on the computer to check email.
The shock for the betrayed partner is so profound in the first moment, the first hour and the first day that it is hard to comprehend. It feels surreal, as if it can’t be happening. It feels as if you are suddenly outside of yourself watching a movie, seeing yourself react and not feeling connected to your own body.
International trauma expert Peter Levine explains that when we are confronted by a situation that our brain experiences as frightening, we automatically go into a freeze response. We are thrust into a primal survival strategy commonly referred to as being “like a deer in headlights.” It is the state of being “beside yourself.” Betrayed partners describe it as being frozen, numb or in an altered state. Being lied to in such a profound manner by your partner, lover, sweetheart and beloved feels wholly abnormal. For many betrayed partners, there is no precedent for the experience.
Answering the ‘why’ question
The “why” question is what betrayed partners find themselves coming back to over and over again. Why did you engage in this behavior? Why did you lie … repeatedly?
Betrayed partners often feel that they can’t move on and find closure without knowing the answer to the “why” question. The painful truth is that there is no good reason and, for the betrayed partner, no right answer. The “explanation” can be challenging for betrayed partners to hear and can take time to process fully. Although they may not understand the “why” behind the behavior, betrayed partners can gain answers that help provide clarity and make healing possible for them and the relationship.
“Daphne,” a heartbroken partner, described her “why” questions as follows: “What were you thinking? Was I the only one longing to share my life with you? What makes you think you can take a stripper and her child to Disneyland, tell me and then expect me to stand for it? How could you use my faith and religion against me by saying, ‘Aren’t you supposed to forgive? Judge not lest you be judged,’ and, most offensive, ‘I think you were put on this earth to save me.’ Why did you even marry me? Why did you stay married to me? What does love mean to you? You obviously have no heart. How could you look me in the eyes and see how much pain I was in and how unloved I felt and continue giving our money to your girlfriend? Why did you promise me that you would never cheat on me as my father did to my mother? How can you say, ‘It’s not about you’? You admitted to me that you never considered my feelings. Why? You acknowledged that you lied to your family about me, portraying me as a horrible spouse so that you would feel justified to continue your affair. Why did you need to go that far?”
These are the types of questions that every betrayed partner asks. Betrayed partners believe that they cannot heal unless they know why their beloved cheated on them. But in the case of chronic betrayers, their reasons lie deep below the surface, much like the iceberg that sank the Titanic. The question becomes, “Why would someone who appears to be functioning well act against their morals and values?” Are these folks actually addicted to sex, or is sex addiction an excuse for bad behavior?
In her “What Your Therapist Really Thinks” column for New York magazine on May 11, 2017, Lori Gottlieb responded to a letter from a reader wondering whether their husband might be having an affair. Gottlieb mentioned that whenever someone comes into her office to discuss infidelity, she wonders what other infidelities might be going on — not necessarily other affairs but the more subtle ways that partners can stray that also threaten a marriage.
In his book Contrary to Love, Patrick Carnes said his research indicated that 97% of individuals who were addicted to sex had been emotionally abused as children. These individuals were raised in unhealthy or dysfunctional homes with parents who did not give them the care essential to their healthy growth and development. Poverty, mental illness, alcoholism, drug addiction, violence and crime are among the many reasons that individuals turn to sexually compulsive behavior as adults. As a result, people who are sexually addicted have negative core beliefs about themselves. They feel alone and afraid and believe they are unworthy of love; they believe that no one can truly love them because they are unlovable. Therefore, they learn from a very young age that intimacy is dangerous in real life and that they can trust themselves only to meet their needs.
In an article titled “Can serial cheaters change?” at PsychCentral.com, psychologist and certified sex addiction therapist Linda Hatch discussed two reasons that people cheat, both due to deep insecurities. Some who cheat feel intimidated by their spouse in the same way that they felt threatened in their childhood homes. A real-life connection is terrifying to someone who was not shown love as a child. In response, they seek affair partners, watch pornography or pay for sex to avoid these real-life connections.
Carnes’ second book, Don’t Call It Love, is aptly titled. Acting out is not about love or sex; instead, acting out numbs the overwhelming agony of being loved by a real-life partner.
The root of addiction and the brain science
At the root of addiction is trauma. Trauma is the problem, and for some, sexual acting out is the solution — until the solution fails. And when it fails, it results in more trauma.
Deep wounds suffered when young cause a level of pain that overwhelms the child. Because human beings are built to stay alive, the brain banishes the ordeal’s worst feelings and memory. It locks them away to keep the child alive.
Understanding the brain science of trauma and addiction enables the betrayed partner to see the big picture. The acting out had very little to do with the relationship or the partner.
Many mental health professionals do not believe that sex addiction is a legitimate disorder. Therapists often think that the betrayed partner is the problem because they’re “not enough” — not attentive enough, not available enough, not sexual enough, not thin enough, not voluptuous enough. Sex therapists (not to be confused with sex addiction therapists) believe that sexual expression is healthy — regardless of the behavior. Understanding the science that drives the addictive process is vital for the betrayed partner’s wellness, lest they take responsibility for their betrayer’s acting out. Knowing the brain science that causes a process addiction is essential to understanding how something that isn’t a chemical substance can be addictive.
In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction, Dr. Gabor Maté described childhood adversity and addiction, noting that early experiences play a crucial role in shaping perceptions of the world and others. A 1998 article by Vincent J. Felitti and colleagues in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine explained that “adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs (e.g., a child being abused, violence in the family, a jailed parent, extreme stress of poverty, a rancorous divorce, an addicted parent, etc.), have a significant impact on how people live their lives and their risk of addiction and mental and physical illnesses.”
There are two types of addictions: substance and process (or behavioral) addictions. Process addictions refer to a maladaptive relationship with an activity, sensation or behavior that the person continues despite the negative impact on the person’s ability to maintain mental health and function at work, at home and in the community. Surprisingly, an otherwise pleasurable experience can become compulsive. When used to escape stress, it becomes a way of coping that never fails. Typical behaviors include gambling, spending, pornography, masturbation, sex, gaming, binge-watching television, and other high-risk experiences.
Process addictions increase dopamine. Dopamine is a naturally occurring and powerful pleasure-seeking chemical in the brain. When activities are used habitually to escape pain, more dopamine is released in the brain. The brain rapidly adjusts to a higher level of dopamine. The “user” quickly finds themselves on a hamster wheel, seeking more exciting, more dangerous, more erotic or more taboo material to maintain the dopamine rush. The brain has adapted to the “new normal.” The brain depends on a higher level of dopamine to regulate the central nervous system. It quickly becomes the only way to reduce stressors; the person struggling with addiction ends up doing and saying things they will soon regret but cannot seem to stop on their own. Carnes aptly refers to this as the hijacked brain.
Once the brain is hijacked, the downward spiral of craving more and more dopamine affects higher-level thinking and reasoning.
Let the healing begin
Healing for the betrayed partner begins with a formal disclosure process, ideally guided by certified sex addiction therapists. Betrayed partners often have difficulty making sense of their reality on their own. There are so many unanswered questions, and each question has 10 questions behind it.
Betrayers are reluctant to answer questions because they fear the answers will cause the betrayed partner more harm and therefore will cause them harm. However, withholding information is what causes harm. Betrayed partners report difficulty getting the whole truth on their own. Even if their betrayer does break down and answer questions, they will not get the entire story because the betrayer is in denial — they are in denial that they are in denial!
A formal disclosure process led by a certified sex addiction therapist is the best way to get the information necessary so that the betrayed partner can make the most important decision of their life: Will they stay in the relationship or leave?
Partners who continue to be consumed with seeking information are tortured — not by the behavior but by their unrelenting quest to uncover all of the lies. Initially, information-seeking helps decrease panic and the horrible loss of power experienced after discovery of the betrayal. However, searching for information or signs of acting out quickly becomes all-consuming. Without intervention, intense emotions lead to faulty thinking, which becomes a force from within that fuels anger, rage and revenge. The powerful energy inside can be like a runaway train gaining speed until it crashes.
Betrayed partners learn that betrayers live in a state of secret destructive entitlement. Education about the conditions that led to the betrayer’s choices and deception is essential for the betrayed partner’s healing. Still, it is in no way a justification or vindication of the betrayer’s egregious behavior.
It is complicated to understand that there are two truths for people who struggle with sex addiction: they love their partner (in the way they know love) and act out sexually with themselves or others. Betrayed partners come to understand that addiction is a division of the self.
Reflection and reconstruction
Betrayal trauma causes a fracture in the foundation of a relationship and the foundation of the self. The secrets, lies, gaslighting and deception throughout the relationship are a silent cancer that consumes the infrastructure. The most devastating aspect of discovery is that the entire system that holds the relationship together begins to collapse into itself.
For the betrayed partner, healing involves self-reflection. Although they didn’t create the problem, their mental health requires them to face aspects of themselves that have been affected by infidelity and deception. During therapy, both partners face reality and let go of the illusion that theirs was a healthy marriage/relationship. They grieve what was lost and learn to let go of anger. Letting go creates space to build inner strength and accept love back into their hearts.
Healing of the mind, heart and soul can happen regardless of the magnitude of the deception. But in the absence of a healing/recovery process, the betrayed partner’s anger intensifies and can cause them to be further traumatized by sifting through emails, texts and conversations, asking for every minute detail of the affair. As anger ferments, it can lead to rage. Rage can wreak havoc on the body, leading to health problems.
The solution is forgiveness. Many partners worry that they will be expected to forgive their betrayer. But forgiveness is not about forgetting nor is it about condoning bad behavior. Instead, forgiveness is a process of opting out of anger and the need for revenge — forgiving the human qualities that lead people to act in terrible ways. To be clear, forgiveness frees one’s heart from the prison of anger. Forgiveness is a decision that is made daily.
Release and restoration
After discovering a beloved’s infidelity and deception, and after accepting their own call to action, the betrayed partner turns inward and begins their own hero’s journey. This journey requires courage, loyalty and temperance. Each phase of the journey involves purifying, grinding down, shedding and brushing away unhealthy attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. The hero’s journey brings the betrayed to a state of purity and clarity.
Eckhart Tolle described the “dark night of the soul” as a collapse of the perceived meaning that the individual gave to their life. The discovery of infidelity, deception and trickery causes a shattering of all that defined the betrayed partner’s life. Their accomplishments, activities and everything they considered important feels like they have been invalidated.
At the bottom of the abyss, however, is salvation. The blackest moment is the moment where transformation begins. It is always darkest before the dawn. The only way to heal is to head straight into the fire toward restoration.
The restoration phase is all about finding meaning in life again. This doesn’t mean the betrayed partner will no longer have any feelings of sadness or longing. But they will also have moments of happiness again.
There are two tasks in this last phase of the hero’s journey: reclaiming their life with a new story that includes the bruises and scars bound together with integrity and pride, and restoring one’s self to wholeness. Before putting it all back together, partners must find their meaning in their own personal hero’s journey. To accomplish this, partners must discover how to make meaning out of suffering.
In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, asserted that even in the worst suffering, having a sense of purpose provides strength. He contended there is no hope to survive if suffering is perceived as useless. Finding purpose transforms suffering into a challenge.
Frankl believed that in the worst of circumstances, there are two choices: 1) to assume that we cannot change what happens to us, leaving our only option to be a prisoner of our circumstance or 2) to accept that we cannot change what happened to us but that we can change our attitude toward it. A more potent, resilient, and positive attitude allows us to realize our life’s meaning. Through their hero’s journey, betrayed partners learn that their brokenness can lead to wisdom and deeper meaning in their lives.
Allan J. Katz is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex addiction therapist. He is products co-chair at the Association for Specialists in Group Work and has written five books, including Experiential Group Therapy Interventions With DBT. Allan is the co-author, with Michele Saffier, of Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes’ Journey to Healthy Intimacy. He can be reached on his website, AllanJKatz.com.
Michele Saffier is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified sex addiction therapist and supervisor. As clinical director and founder of Michele Saffier & Associates, she and her clinical team have worked with couples, families, betrayed partners and people recovering from sexually compulsive behavior for 24 years. As co-founder of the Center for Healing Self and Relationships, she facilitates outpatient treatment intensives for individuals, couples and families healing from the impact of betrayal trauma. She can be reached at her website, TraumaHealingPa.com.
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