Tag Archives: parenting

Working our way through a pandemic

By Laurie Meyers February 25, 2021

To appropriate a turn of phrase from Queen Elizabeth II, 2020 was our collective annus horribilis (horrible year). The queen was referring to 1992, a year that featured the implosion of three royal marriages, a devastatingly destructive fire at Windsor Castle, and unfortunate headlines involving Sarah Ferguson’s new beau and his, ahem, admiration of the Duchess of York’s feet.

But as the meme goes, 2020 said to 1992, “Hold my beer.”

The year that the queen “shall not look back upon with undiluted pleasure” included family losses, property destruction and embarrassing press. Stressful, to be sure, but ultimately personal and mundane (although, granted, most of us don’t have to face the paparazzi). But 2020 pelted us with events of a virtually seismic nature that have in one way or another affected billions of lives worldwide. The emergence of the novel coronavirus was not the only stressor or calamity the year visited upon us, but it remains arguably the most disruptive. And perhaps nowhere is that more apparent than in people’s work lives.

When the great shutdown began in the U.S. in March 2020, most of us thought we’d be confined to the house and working virtually for only a few months. But approximately one year later, and with more than 450,000 American deaths attributed to COVID-19 through the first week of February, many people are still hunched over their makeshift office equipment.

In the beginning, some of the work-from-home snafus were funny. Newscasters broadcasting with jackets — but no pants (which seems to be the preferred work-from-home style for a surprising number of people). The boss who accidentally turned herself into a potato on Microsoft Teams and didn’t know how to change back. Amusing, embarrassing and sometimes horrifying comments and conversations caught by accidentally unmuted microphones in video conferences. Other disruptions, such as cats on the keyboard and dogs chiming in during meetings, were a bit chaotic but too cute — at least at first — for their human companions to truly complain about. But other people struggled to carve out a workspace and found themselves joining meetings from underneath the stairs or barricaded behind the bathroom door because it was the only private space in a house full of busy (and noisy) family members. Even people who frequently telecommuted pre-pandemic often found adapting to an all-virtual workplace a challenge.

Balancing work, school and child care

One of the most significant challenges to working — whether virtually or on-site — during the COVID-19 era has been the lack of child care options and the need to assist children with their virtual schooling.

“Coaching folks on how to handle their work life without child care is a big focus of my practice these days,” says Katie Playfair, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and management consultant located in Portland, Oregon.

“I tell clients to be as flexible and creative as they can in figuring out how to get their job done despite these obligations and to consider, when possible, cutting back hours to something more manageable,” she says. “As the mother of children who are 8, 6 and 2 years old, I home-school them during the day and then work from 5 p.m.-10 p.m. every evening after my spouse gets home. It’s a rough schedule.”

Playfair says many parents are having to take breaks to help with schoolwork during the day and then catching up on work themselves at night. Even children who are old enough not to need constant supervision often interrupt the workday to request a snack, to seek permission to take a break or to ask a quick homework question. As a result, parents are continually task-switching, unable to block out time for uninterrupted work, Playfair explains.

“Developing a system to communicate with older kids about when parents are interruptible and when they aren’t is vital,” she stresses. The use of physical or virtual calendars, door signs or predetermined “office hours” when they will be available to their children can help parents protect meeting times and allow for concentrated work during the day, she says.

“Providing kids with a way to table their questions until appropriate times is the other side of this equation,” Playfair continues. “They may need a whiteboard on parents’ doors or some other ways of tracking things so they don’t forget about them and get frustrated. Older kids can also be taught to email or text parents. Nonetheless, parents may still find themselves having to work nights or weekends to make up for the work that isn’t getting done during the school day.”

Even with families in which one spouse was already a stay-at-home parent before the pandemic, the virtual work and school mix can throw a wrench into the routine, says Keri Riggs, a Texas-based LPC whose specialties include relationship stressors, stress management and work-related issues. In one couple with whom Riggs worked, the mother was accustomed to structuring her day around the schedule of their middle school-age children. The family had managed to incorporate virtual school into their routine when, suddenly, the father began working remotely.

The only available workspace was the kitchen table, and the husband frequently needed everyone else to clear out of the room so he could participate in meetings. But he also recognized the need to give his wife a break — and the need to get away from the table himself — so they scheduled in lunches and other times when they would trade responsibility for the children. Because his meeting schedule varied, the couple sat down every night and plotted out the next day’s schedule, blocking off times when the kitchen needed to be in “do not disturb” mode and carving out time for breaks, says Riggs, a member of the American Counseling Association.

Fitting in the demands of work and school is even more difficult for single parents because, absent an available and willing relative or neighbor, there is no one to help shoulder their burden. Uninterrupted blocks of time may be available only when the children are asleep. However, some work-related tasks, such as meetings and phone calls, generally have to take place during the day. To help minimize disruptions, Jessi Eden Brown, an LPC whose specialties include trauma and workplace bullying, suggests parents buy or create “some kind of super-involved art project that they [children] only get to work on during meetings, so it’s kind of like a treat.”

“I don’t love this,” she continues, “but some clients have [also] had success with a television show or movie that can be started or stopped.” Brown, an ACA member, recognizes that isn’t an ideal solution, but it may be the only way that some clients can prevent interruptions in meetings. As she tells parents, with all the stressors they’re coping with, an extra hour or two of television here and there for their children is not the end of the world.

Of course, as Sharon Givens, an LPC who specializes in career development and mental health, points out, “Not everyone was able to just pick up a laptop and go home. If you’re a housekeeper, you can’t work from home.”

This is particularly problematic for single parents, she says. Some of her clients have family members who can assist with child care during the day, but others have had to relinquish their jobs. They are experiencing devastating financial difficulties that were exacerbated by the end of federally supplemented unemployment benefits.

“And, so, we’re working together to create some strategies to pay the rent,” says Givens, president-elect of the National Career Development Association, a division of ACA. Some clients have pulled money from their retirement accounts or tapped family members for financial assistance. Givens has also helped clients find local assistance programs and search for jobs that they can do from home.

The pandemic and resulting recession have demanded that counselors put on their “practical strategy hat” to help clients, Givens says. She has advised clients to speak with their mortgage company or landlord and their utility companies to see what type of deferment or other relief they can offer.

Setting boundaries and navigating distractions

The virtual office poses other challenges, such as the blurring of boundaries between work and home. By getting rid of the daily commute, office workers have gained extra time, but it has also deprived them of a natural boundary that signaled the beginning and end of the workday, Riggs says. The computer is always right there — a siren beckoning workers to check their email one last time or to do just a little more work. Suddenly, it’s midnight, and they’ve spent all day at the computer.

Riggs works with clients to replace the commute with other routines, asking what symbolizes starting and ending the workday for them. Is it taking a shower or changing out of their work clothes at the end of the day? She also suggests engaging in rituals such as hanging a “closed” sign on the computer or home office door or voicing a mantra such as “I did my best today.”

Sometimes, however, it isn’t employees who have trouble setting boundaries. American work culture is often brutal and not supportive of health and well-being, Playfair asserts.

“Unless an organization has set out to really change themselves into a more compassionate and empathetic place to work, they’re going to expect lots of hours, productivity and performance from everyone nearly all the time,” she says. “But even within this culture, there are opportunities for boundaries. First, I encourage people to ask their bosses, ‘Do you want the truth or what I think you want to hear?’ when an employee feels pressured past what they can take. Most people will choose the truth, and that will give the opportunity for healthy disclosure. I also like the phrase, ‘I wish I could do that for you, but I can’t because …’ to introduce a boundary.

“Finally, I think it’s helpful for employees to empathize with their bosses while still demanding support themselves. For example: ‘I understand that you’re short-staffed for this shift and that headquarters is expecting you to figure it out. That’s unfair. If our company would budget and plan sufficiently for contingency staffing, this wouldn’t be a problem for you or me, would it? I know they expect you to be fully staffed today, but they haven’t given you the resources to be successful with that, and I can’t personally make up for their poor planning.”

Brown encourages her clients to look for fellow employees who seem to be able to set boundaries. “Like ‘Bob’ — he always seems to sign off at 5. How does he do it?” she asks.

In other cases, Brown and the client may review their job description or the company’s policies and procedures manual to see if expectations for work hours have been set out.

Home itself can often be a distraction, Riggs notes. It can be difficult for people to focus exclusively on the work they are paid to do when they are surrounded by ever-present reminders of household tasks that also need to be completed, such as doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher. Cell phone pings announcing texts and social media notifications also beckon.

Riggs and her clients try out different solutions to find what works. This might involve setting a timer to complete 30-minute blocks of focused work, giving themselves a healthy reward for completing work, or setting up accountability partners. Riggs also suggests that, if possible, clients leave their cell phones in another room. If that isn’t feasible, she encourages clients to disable their notifications. She also counsels clients to prepare for the unexpected by allowing some margin for “white space” — a block of free, unscheduled time — during the day to attend to urgent requests or time-sensitive tasks.

The mental toll

Working under less than optimal conditions — or not working at all — has created significant challenges among a population that is already struggling with grief, Givens says. “All of us, if we’re being honest, are feeling a sense of loss: loss of activities, loss of career opportunities, loss of income.”

The uncertainty ushered in by the pandemic has challenged many clients’ coping skills, Givens says. She uses a variety of methods to help, including exploring what methods have supported clients’ ability to cope in the past. For some people, that involves more physical activity, whereas for others, it’s about increased (virtual) connection.

Givens also uses cognitive behavior therapy interventions such as having clients keep a thought record. They then look at this together and evaluate what is and what isn’t under the client’s control. “Many of them see the visual: ‘I spent four hours per day worrying about something that I couldn’t control,” she says.

Many of her clients are also engaging in frequent catastrophizing, obsessing about what will happen and whether they’re going to die in the pandemic. These concerns are natural, but some clients are mentally building worst-case scenarios, Givens notes. For these clients, she uses a different kind of thought record known as an evidence record. The concept is the same — clients write down their thoughts and then go over them with Givens — but what they’re looking for is any evidence to support the likelihood of their worst-case scenarios becoming reality.

All of the practitioners Counseling Today spoke to for this article urge clients to be patient with themselves as they navigate the myriad challenges of working during the COVID-19 era. Riggs recommends Kristin Neff’s five-minute self-compassion break (a guided version is available at self-compassion.org/guided-self-compassion-meditations-mp3-2/).

The practice begins by, as Neff puts it, “calling up a little suffering,” or reflecting on something that is currently causing stress or worry. Neff then provides a series of phrases “designed to help us remember the three components of self-compassion when we need it most.”

The first phrase is “This is a moment of suffering.” Or, as Riggs tells her clients, “I’m having a hard time today. I’m struggling.”

The second phrase is “Suffering is a part of life.” Riggs describes this as recognizing one’s connection to all of humanity: Not only am I struggling, other people struggle too. I am not alone.

The third phrase is “May I be kind to myself in this moment.” To support being kind to oneself, Neff suggests that listeners place their hand over their heart or another place on their body that feels soothing, then focus on the warmth of their hand and let that sensation stream through their fingers. She then recommends that listeners direct kind and supportive language toward themselves, such as words they might use with a friend going through a similar situation — e.g., “I’m here for you. It’s going to be OK.”

At the end of the practice or “break,” Neff asks listeners to notice how their bodies feel and to allow themselves to just “be” in the moment with those sensations.      

Riggs also suggests clients ask themselves what would make them feel better at that moment. “That’s really the hardest piece if you don’t know what you need,” she says. “Do I need to move my body? Do I need to journal? Call my best friend? Put on music? Give myself a hug?”

Finally, Riggs tells clients to remind themselves that the stress or anxiety they are currently experiencing will not last forever — that they won’t feel like this forever. Eventually, it will change.

Amid the suffering caused by the pandemic, Brown sees opportunities for personal growth. “Never before have we had … [such a] profound opportunity to slow down and focus on life’s priorities with such intention,” she says. “COVID-19 has affected nearly every person on the planet. Countless people live in fear, and many have lost family, friends, livelihoods and so much more.

“The tragedy is undeniable. That said, I have always believed that low moments like these potentially set the stage for meaningful change as we reflect on what is important and how our decisions either support or impede our progress.”

 

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The pandemic and a frayed political climate have also been at the center of various instances of workplace bullying. Read more in our online exclusive article, “No rest for the bullied.”

 

 

 

 

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Laurie Meyers is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Delivering difficult news: From adults to future adults

By Kelsey Mora February 10, 2021

As a dual certified child life specialist and licensed professional counselor, the questions I most often get from parents and caregivers are “What will I tell the children?” and “How will I tell the children?” These questions come up when facing a new diagnosis, a loss of a pregnancy or loved one, a traumatic injury, or a suicide attempt.

Although I work in a setting and with a population where I am prepared to assist families and parents through such life-altering events, many clinicians are not. To support other providers when faced with similar questions from their clients, I have developed three key tips for delivering difficult news to young children. These tips can be applied not only to medical events and loss, but also to divorce, an upcoming move, a local tragedy, and other life-altering events.

1) Honesty really is the best policy.

Being honest with children builds and maintains their trust. By not telling children about an event, we risk the likelihood of them hearing false information from someone else or finding out about it in an uncontrolled way. This may involve an overheard phone call, a read text message or an encounter with a neighbor, friend or relative. As counselors, we can empower our clients by explaining to them that they, as trusted adults, have the ability to control the delivery of this information to their children and create an environment where it is OK for them to talk about the event.

When children are forced to come to their own conclusions about what is happening, their imaginations may create something far worse than the reality. The caregiver should follow the child’s lead by assessing what they already know before providing or correcting the information. It is important for parents/caregivers to use simple, clear and honest language with their children and to understand that this may need to be repeated over and over again.

Avoid euphemisms. Even though terms such as “cancer,” “dying” and “divorce” may seem harsh or scary for children, these terms are less likely to lead to misconceptions later. Adults can always clarify terms along the way, but starting with the real words is recommended. For example: “Dying means he will not come home; his body no longer works” and “Divorce means we couldn’t get along anymore. We have decided to live in different houses, but we both love you very much.”

Find an appropriate setting. Encourage the adult to identify a private, quiet and comfortable setting, preferably outside of the child’s safest place (which, for most children, is their bedroom). Consider the living room or dining table. Practice starting by giving a warning shot. For example: “I have something sad or difficult to tell you.” Help parents/caregivers to think about the best timing of the conversation. Who should be there?

Finally, it’s OK for adults not to know what to say or how to answer their child’s questions. They can say, “I don’t have all of the answers, but as soon as I do, I will tell you.” This builds trust and is still honest. Help the child to at least know what will happen next and what they can expect. Once the discussion has taken place, give the child or adolescent time to adjust. Rehearse by acknowledging, “I know this was not what you expected to hear,” and practice providing empathy and reassurance that they (the adult) will be there if the child or adolescent has more questions, concerns or feelings. Young children may need time to play, whereas older children may prefer being with their peers. Both responses are developmentally appropriate.

 

2) When in doubt, keep things normal.

Children benefit from structure and clear expectations. However, it can be very hard to maintain routine for children when disruption is taking place. When this is the case, encourage your adults clients to prepare their children for anticipated changes. For example, if the children are able to attend their extracurricular activities or playdates but will be picked up by a friend or relative instead of their parent, make sure this is communicated to them. Similarly, if the bedtime routine or school drop-off will look different, parents/caregivers should ensure their children know who and what to expect. Children are resilient, but they do best when prepared for change.

Help your adult clients consider ways to include the child. Children may benefit from having a role or purpose. For example, they could be responsible for packing a bag or making a card. When possible, parents/caregivers should identify choices to offer to give children a sense of control and mastery during a time that feels out of their control. The child should not be forced to do something such as say goodbye to their loved one, but they should be given the option and presented with different ways to do so.

Caregivers may think they know what is best for their child and then be surprised by the child’s decision. I have worked with children who have persistent regret over not participating in their parent’s funeral but were denied the opportunity because the surviving parent was trying to protect their child. Often, parents will ask, “What if they [the child] regret their decision?” I reassure parents that they can remind their child that they were given a choice and that they made the choice that was best for them in that moment.

 

3) Expressing feelings is healthy.

When your adult client says, “I have to be strong for them [the children]” or “I can’t let them see me cry,” ask the parent/caregiver: “What does being strong really mean?”

Children who grow up in a home where they are shielded from feelings may inadvertently learn to internalize their feelings. Parents, caregivers and other adults possess the potential to teach children about the healthy expression of all emotions — the good, the bad and the ugly. It is inevitable that children will experience heartbreak, disappointment and upset throughout their life trajectory. When they are faced with these circumstances, it is imperative that they have learned how to identify their feelings and express them safely and effectively. Being strong can mean demonstrating appropriate reactions to situations.

Help your adult clients name their own feelings. Have them practice “I feel” statements such as “I feel sad because your grandpa is in the hospital” or “I feel worried about everyone’s safety.” Then, encourage them to follow these statements with plans that can be shared with their children, such as “But I am going to do everything I can to help you feel safe and cared for during this difficult time.” This encourages children to express their own feelings safely and effectively and to feel comfortable asking questions when they have them because they know it is OK to talk about the situation. Furthermore, practicing this gives the adult client an opportunity to process their own thoughts and feelings about the event before being in front of their child.

 

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These three tips can be applied to and modified for children of any age facing nearly any difficult event. I have used these principles to provide guidance for parents and caregivers on explaining recent events, including the pandemic and social unrest, to their children.

Developmental reactions to difficult circumstances will vary by age. Infants may demonstrate increased crying, clinginess or fussiness. Toddlers and preschoolers may regress or display a fear of separation. School-age children may exhibit irritability, confusion and distractibility. Adolescents may display anger, take on new roles and express criticism. But when parents and caregivers provide honest information, present clear expectations and encourage healthy discussions, children and adolescents are more likely to experience a positive adjustment both during and beyond the situation.

 

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Kelsey Mora is a dual certified child life specialist and licensed professional counselor who works both in a hospital setting and for a private practice in the Chicagoland area. She specializes in helping children and adolescents cope with illness- and grief-related challenges and is specifically trained to coach caregivers on language and techniques to use when parenting their child through medical conditions, family life transitions and traumatic loss. Contact her at kmora@illnessnavigation.com or through her website at illnessnavigation.com.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Far away, so close: Negotiating relationships during COVID-19

By Laurie Meyers January 26, 2021

COVID-19 has taken away many of our in-person interactions. Office chitchat by the coffee maker. Happy hour with friends. Holiday celebrations. Friends, co-workers, extended family — since the pandemic began, many of us have seen them only virtually. In many ways, it’s like we’re all stuck on our own desert island — closed off from the outside world yet sometimes desperately wishing to vote our “fellow inhabitants” off.

The people we live with. We love them. We’ve treasured the extra time with them. But sometimes we just want them all to go away.

The never-ending togetherness; the uneven distribution of household responsibilities; the challenges of balancing work, child care and virtual schooling; and the career sacrifices that many people (women primarily) have had to make are all creating new stress and tension, while also exacerbating pre-existing conflicts in couples and families. In other words, couples and family counselors are very much in demand.

Seeking moments of solitude and respite

“Time and space are just different this year,” says licensed professional counselor (LPC) Christina Thaier. “We no longer divide our roles and tasks into different spaces, and that means all of who we are has to exist within less space. This is tough for kids and adults alike.”

Work, school, family, intimacy, socializing and relaxing are all wedged into the home.

Esther Benoit, an LPC with a private practice in Newport News, Virginia, points out that many parents are really struggling with roles they never expected to play — such as teacher and tutor when their children encounter difficulties with virtual schooling — while still trying to work from home. Other clients are working outside the home but spending substantial time on the phone providing “tech support” to their adolescent children who are at home alone, Benoit says.

Thaier notes that clients are floundering to find a way to balance everything in the absence of real-life connection to their communities and support networks. “It’s limiting. We miss a lot, and if we live with others, we are taking this on without any real break from our family or roommates,” says Thaier, a couples counselor who is the founder and director of Terrace House, a group practice located in St. Louis. “It’s a strange feeling to feel lonely and cut off from our usual life and, at the same time, never feel we get a break from others.”

“We [also] miss the versions of ourselves that exist in our usual spaces — our co-worker self, our happy-hour self, the version of us that shows up at the gym or the part of us that sings in the car after dropping the kids off at school — and the natural breaks and alone time that were previously built into our day,” she continues.

Thaier, an American Counseling Association member, helps clients envision alternative ways to be their different selves. “Maybe I can access the part of me that comes alive during time with friends by moving our time together to the park with masks,” she suggests. “Or I can plan a 10-minute Zoom call with my favorite co-worker at a time we would usually stop by one another’s desks.”

Thaier and her clients also seek simple ways to re-create those moments of solitude with activities such as taking a walk in the middle of the day, running errands, completing a solitary trip to the store to pick up groceries, or taking a bath or shower. “We’ve also talked about meditation apps and making the most of the early morning or late evening time when most of the house is sleeping,” she says.

Megan Dooley Hussman, a provisional licensed professional counselor and clinical supervisor at Terrace House, says many clients have found not just alone time but also a way to stay centered by engaging in daily rituals such as meditating, walking or even making and drinking tea mindfully.

Some clients also seek quasi-solitude by establishing family reading or movie-watching times, Thaier notes, adding that “quiet is almost alone.”

But with the multiple roles that parents are playing, stolen moments of solitude often aren’t enough, Thaier asserts. She helps parents map out the logistics of making sure that each partner gets their own break at some point during the week. That often involves one parent — or a family member within the household bubble — “hanging” with the kids while the other parent gets some time to themselves, she says. Thaier describes it as a “big win” for parents when everyone else leaves the house — even if only for an hour.

Sharing the struggle

The pandemic has been overwhelming for everyone — in unique but also universal (or at least common) ways. For parents and couples, the biggest contributor to distress and conflict is often unequal distribution of the “mental load,” says LPC June Williams, whose specialties include couples counseling. The mental load, she explains, is everything that needs to be done to keep the household moving. And much of it seems never-ending.

As Williams, a private practitioner in Cedar Park, Texas, points out, everyone is eating all the time when the kids are at home due to virtual schooling. Meals need to be planned and scheduled because family members aren’t necessarily eating at the same time. The dishes seem to self-replicate, requiring multiple dishwasher runs per day. It isn’t uncommon for one parent to manage this process — in addition to keeping the children engaged in online schooling and attempting to perform their “regular” job duties from home. In such cases, the parent spends the day constantly switching focus from their work laptop to their children’s screens. One of Williams’ clients is working and managing the family’s three children while their partner is in another room with the door shut.

When the distribution of household responsibility is not equal, it is often because much of the mental load is invisible, Williams says. She helps make it visible to her couples clients.

Williams will sit with the couple and task the partner carrying the uneven load to walk her through their day. Williams asks the other partner to listen without interrupting. Often, the partner who has been contributing less is shocked to learn the full mental load that their loved one has been carrying, Williams says.

It isn’t always possible to achieve a 50-50 split, Williams says, but she helps couples distribute the load more equitably. They discuss all of the tasks that make up the mental load and talk about how to handle them as a team. Williams asks the partner with the lesser load to think about what areas they would be willing to take over. She then asks the other partner to decide where they are willing to relinquish control. “What’s something you are willing to give away, knowing that it’s not going to be done your way?” she asks. If the partner offloads dish duty, they have to accept that the dishwasher may not be loaded “correctly,” Williams counsels.

Williams also has couples take responsibility for different areas of the house. Once that’s done, each partner’s domain is sacrosanct. “No micromanaging,” she says. “If the trash is your partner’s deal, you don’t say anything — it’s in their lap.”

ACA member Paul Peluso agrees that cooperation and flexibility are essential for navigating home life during the pandemic. He recommends that couples come up with a practical, workable schedule that allows each partner some time off. Unlike Williams, he recommends that couples switch off tasks such as bathing the children, taking out the trash and cooking. This cooperative effort creates a sense of fairness that allows a partner who has had a particularly bad or busy day to ask the other partner to take over a task that the tired partner feels too tapped out to do. The understanding is that the same grace will be extended to the other partner when needed, says Peluso, a professor of counselor education at Florida Atlantic University and a former president of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, a division of ACA.

Peluso also recommends that couples cut themselves and each other some slack, especially during the pandemic. For instance, perhaps the routine has been to fold and put away clothes immediately after they come out of the dryer. “Give yourself a break and let it be in the basket for a few days, and use that time to watch a show together or to talk,” Peluso urges.

Sometimes, an unevenly distributed responsibility cannot be transferred from one partner to another, Williams says. The couple with one partner working and managing school for three kids is doing it out of necessity because the partner with the closed door is constantly in meetings.

In cases such as these, Williams typically encourages couples to explore possible outside resources that can be brought in: “Can we talk to family [about providing help]? Do we have a COVID-safe nanny? A COVID pod so that two days a week the kids are going to another parent’s house?”

Sharing the load becomes more difficult when one partner is working outside the home and the other works virtually or has put their career on hold. This scenario can easily lead to resentment, Benoit says. To the partner who stays home, it can seem as though the partner who works externally has experienced a return to business as (almost) normal, she explains. Meanwhile, the “inside” partner feels like their life has been completely upended because they are either trying to work from home while also providing child care or may even have felt it necessary to leave their job, Benoit says. Resentment builds because the partner at home feels trapped.

Benoit finds it helpful to externalize these conflicts for couples, emphasizing that it is the situation that is the problem, not the person who is working outside the home. Adopting this perspective, it becomes something that the couple can address as a team. The goal is to avoid recrimination and accusations, Benoit says, and to ask instead, “How do we get through this together?”

Although the essential circumstance cannot be changed, the level of resentment can be lowered dramatically, Benoit says, by something as simple as the partner working outside the home acknowledging that the other partner has the tougher end of the deal and asking, “What can I do to help?”

Benoit also emphasizes self-compassion. “I tell a lot of clients that what we’re aiming to do is get through,” she says. “We’re not aiming to thrive, but to survive.”

Couples also must learn that they are not responsible for each other’s moods, Williams says. A felt need to “fix” everything is often present in the partner who feels “overloaded,” she says.

“I work with that person who is trying to fix and [I] help them get more comfortable with everyone’s discomfort,” Williams says. This is doubly beneficial because the person who is underfunctioning may be hanging back as a result of receiving the message from their partner (directly or indirectly) that they never do anything right. Williams wants to help the partner carrying the lighter load to take on more of the burden not because they are being nagged but because it is important to the family.

Williams also asks the “overburdened” spouse about the feelings they are living with. Do they feel the need to fix, rescue, save and control? Do they feel anxious and resentful? If the client acknowledges these patterns, Williams asks whether they like feeling that way.

The usual response? “No, I am mad all the time and tired.”

Possessing a sense of responsibility does not mean that the client is responsible for everyone in the world, Williams counsels.

She gives clients a scenario: Your husband comes in and is in a terrible mood. He sighs heavily and drops his bag. As his wife with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, you may flutter about and try to step in and take over. The end result? You haven’t fixed anything. He’s still irritated, and now you are too, Williams says.

She tells clients that they can still be compassionate, check in with their partner and ask how their day was. But if the partner responds that their day was terrible, clients need to ask themselves whether they have the emotional energy to carry that burden with their partner, Williams advises. If not, “It’s OK to say, ‘Here’s a soda water,’ give them a hug and move on,” she says.

When clients feel that tension in the pit of their stomach that is pushing them to step in, Williams urges them to do something calming in another room, such as belly breathing, stretching or taking a quick shower. These strategies also have the advantage of physically separating the person from the partner and their bad mood.

“Offer them compassion and allow yourself to remain separate,” Williams advises.

The price women pay

Williams doesn’t generally like to make assessments along gender lines, but she says the consequences of the pandemic are clearly delineated. Women are typically the ones expected to put their careers on pause — to be the caregivers and nurturers, to be more in tune with the children and to meet the family’s needs — even if they are the family’s highest wage earner, Williams asserts. She references a pithy and pitch-perfect quote from sociologist Jessica Calarco: “Other countries have safety nets. America has women.”

Thaier agrees. “Women already tend to take on more of the emotional, social and household roles, and that has not changed despite those tasks further multiplying,” she says. “In my practice, we talk a lot about our humanness, and that no one human can do all the things. We work on asking for help, prioritizing and eliminating what we can, establishing boundaries, and making time for ourselves.”

Women have absorbed a tremendous number of losses but haven’t had time to properly acknowledge those losses, Thaier says. “It’s hard to grieve within the experience of trauma,” she continues. “If we use the definition of trauma as too much, too fast, all of 2020 has been that. The quick reorganization of our lives has required [clients] — especially women — to move into crisis management mode. In crisis management, we do, we don’t get to be. In that way, therapy itself invites a chance for being, even if, after the hour, we revert back to survival mode a good portion of the time. We begin to carve out moments, which build on each other, for something different.”

“In some ways, because everything is different, there are opportunities for everything to be different, and that means families can brainstorm and strategize together on how to take care of the home and one another,” Thaier says. “It’s not easy, and there are lots of challenges. But I see a lot of great conversations happening, and with that, a lot of change too.”

In therapy, clients get to recenter themselves and their experiences, Thaier says. “They can voice resentments, frustrations, fears and anxieties, and their fear that feeling this way makes them a bad mother, partner, employee or friend.”

Thaier encourages clients to question these assumptions and where they came from, and then begin to redefine what is important to them about the roles they play. “For example, if we are redefining being ‘good’ at a relationship from an old definition of trying to not let anyone down to a new definition of being present and authentic with the people we love, we can begin to think about what this might look like,” she explains. “We can notice when the old definition is guiding our behavior and patterns, and we can start to practice new ways of relating.”

Reimagining clients’ relationships and roles often involves rejecting parts of the past by breaking patterns driven by cultural assumptions. But the past can also inform the future. Thaier uses narrative therapy to help clients grieve their losses and find ways to preserve elements of what was lost. “I think a lot about telling the stories of the people and experiences we have loved and that have significantly influenced our lives,” she says. “For a woman who has made the sacrifice of a current work role that is a significant part of her identity, we explore that.

“How did the job bring you alive? What did it make possible? What were the best parts of your day? Where did you imagine this would take you next? How did this role fit into an imagined and cherished future?”

“We can actually strengthen that story even as we grieve the space it has left in the present,” Thaier says. “And we can begin to narrate how the client can access her relationship to her work — or [what] she found possible there — and bring that into the present. In other words, the people and experiences we love become a part of us, and we can continue to take them with us into our futures. Our relationship with them gets to continue, if we want it to.”

An existential pause

The pandemic-induced global slowdown has provided people an opportunity (even if unrequested) to examine their lives and reevaluate their priorities, Peluso says. A number of people are asking themselves if they want to get back on the treadmill of constant activity and productivity, “or do I want to start thinking about what I was saving for someday and do it now?” he says.

Regardless of whether they choose to return to the treadmill, stepping off of it even temporarily has granted many people clarity about their relationships, Peluso observes. Some have grown closer to their partners during the pandemic, whereas other couples who were gritting their teeth and staying together for the sake of the children beforehand are asking themselves whether it’s worth the price they are paying.

Some couples are reassessing how they were choosing to spend their time prepandemic, he says. “I think especially early in the pandemic, when there was a hard stop to a lot of activity, it created a window of opportunity to just build some new rituals for connection,” Peluso says. “Couples were able to do things together — tasks, projects around the house.”

This ability to slow down — rather than charge through a list of chores — allowed some couples to rediscover pieces of each other that may have been subsumed in the daily grind, Peluso says. “For a lot of them, it forced them to look at some places where they had been neglecting relationships,” he adds.

“While this year has been incredibly challenging, it has also been an invitation,” Thaier says. “An invitation to slow down, to be together more, to take stock of what we’re doing and how we spend our time. To be at home more. To rest. To see our limitless creativity and resilience and strength. To acknowledge that our lives really could look different at a moment’s notice. To learn to be together in new ways. To be outside more. To take less for granted.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s been ‘worth it,’” she continues. “That would disrespect all of the loss and tragedy and, frankly, just wouldn’t be true. But there’s good here too. And there’s invitation in every holding pattern to see something that is waiting to be acknowledged. There’s a mirror here, if we’re willing to look into it.    

“I’m thankful for the invitation, and I’m hopeful about what’s next.”

 

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Additional resources

To learn more about the topics discussed in this article, take advantage of the following select resources offered by the American Counseling Association.

Counseling Today (ct.counseling.org)

Books & DVDs (imis.counseling.org/store)

  • Theory and Practice of Couples and Family Counseling, third edition, by James Robert Bitter
  • Mediating Conflict in Intimate Relationships (DVD) presented by Gerald Monk and John Winslade

Continuing Professional Development (aca.digitellinc.com/aca/specialties/56/view)

  • “Creative Counseling for Couples: Using the Integrative Model” (webinar) with Mark Young
  • “Imago Relationship Therapy” (podcast) with Susan Hammonds-White

International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (iamfconline.org)

IAMFC is a division of the American Counseling Association that embraces a multicultural approach in support of the worth, dignity, potential and uniqueness
of families.

 

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Laurie Meyers is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Seeing the whole gifted child

By Lindsey Phillips November 30, 2020

Assessing symptoms and determining a treatment plan for clients is never a simple or straightforward task. That can be especially true when it comes to working with gifted and twice-exceptional clients.

Imagine that a second-grader who is highly intelligent comes to your counseling office. The child has some intense interests, which is not uncommon with individuals who are gifted, and they struggle with emotion regulation, which appears to be related to the child’s perfectionism and low frustration tolerance. You might assume that this client’s struggles are just a natural consequence of being gifted.

Emily Kircher-Morris, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) at Unlimited Potential Counseling & Education Center in O’Fallon, Missouri, made this assumption. It wasn’t until her client entered the fourth grade that Kircher-Morris learned that giftedness alone couldn’t “explain away” the student’s emotional struggles. After experiencing a major event, the client’s problems increased to the point that Kircher-Morris referred him to a psychologist for a full differential diagnosis. Upon receiving the results, she was shocked to find out that her client was not only gifted but also autistic.

“I had fallen into the [common] beliefs about giftedness: That the [emotional struggles] were just sensory intensity or perfectionism,” says Kircher-Morris, an American Counseling Association member who specializes in gifted and high-ability individuals. “I missed how intense his meltdowns were and that his intense interests were related to autism, not giftedness.”

It’s true that individuals who are gifted may possess an intense interest, but they can communicate about other topics in addition to that passion, whereas someone with autism spectrum disorder can’t easily talk about other topics, Kircher-Morris explains.

To make an accurate assessment of a gifted client, professional clinical counselors must first know what “giftedness” even means. The problem is that the exact determinants and measurements for giftedness vary from state to state and even school to school. But according to the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC), individuals deemed to be gifted or talented have the capability to perform at higher levels than their peers, and they require modifications to their educational experience to learn and to realize their potential.

Neither Kircher-Morris nor James Bishop, an LPC at Blank Slate Therapy in Frisco, Texas, distinguish between “gifted” and “high achieving” because they say some individuals need to be cognitively challenged regardless of whether they meet the formal definition of being gifted. And sometimes gifted individuals have learning disabilities or mental health issues that require them to get help — a concept that can be difficult for individuals who are used to having things come easily to them, Kircher-Morris points out.

(Mis)Identifying giftedness

There is also a substantial amount of anecdotal information, as well as misconceptions, about giftedness, and Bishop, executive director of the Passionate Mind Institute, warns that even mental health professionals can fall prey to pseudoscience on the topic. For example, some counselors too easily embrace overexcitability as a common characteristic of gifted individuals even though there isn’t much current research to support the belief, he says.

People may incorrectly assume that someone cannot be gifted if they are not doing well in school or that gifted individuals never need help, Bishop continues. Some also believe that individuals who are gifted are more prone to depression, but research shows they are as well-adjusted, if not more so, than their peers in the general population, he adds.

Such misconceptions, as well as concern about clinical misdiagnoses, led Bishop, a member of ACA, to conduct a study to test the ability of mental health professionals to recognize gifted characteristics in presenting clients using vignettes that illustrated common issues and characteristics related to giftedness. Half of the 330 participants were prompted that giftedness could be a factor, but regardless of that prompting, Bishop found the majority of participants still clung to the diagnosis of a disorder over an assessment of giftedness. (See “The potential of misdiagnosis of high IQ youth by practicing mental health professionals: A mixed methods study” in the journal High Ability Studies.)

Bishop’s study suggests that even mental health professionals, not just educators, have trouble factoring giftedness into their clinical assessments. “Being mindful and educating yourself on the real struggles that gifted [individuals] face can make you a better clinician in terms of assessing a gifted [client] and being able to determine whether their problems are the result of a disorder or are simply part of their gifted nature,” says Bishop, who chairs the NAGC Social and Emotional Development Network.

But finding training in this area can be challenging for counselors. Bishop says he had to get a doctorate in educational psychology to become formally educated in the subject. He isn’t aware of any counseling program that offers a concentration in giftedness.

The lack of adequate training is a problem because, according to Michelle Tolison, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina, giftedness should be a specialty just like trauma. In fact, she believes that without being adequately trained, counselors can do extensive damage if they work with clients who are gifted.

Bishop, author of a forthcoming book on anxiety and giftedness for parents, recommends that counselors attend national and state gifted and talented conferences for opportunities “to dive into the subject, meet people in the field and get a sense of how they [as counselors] can play a role.” In addition to the resources provided by Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted (sengifted.org) and NAGC (nagc.org), Bishop and Tolison, owner and lead therapist at Dandelion Family Counseling, recommend reading Giftedness 101 (by Linda Kreger Silverman) and Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults (by James T. Webb et al.).

The gifted gap

Most gifted children are identified through testing or teacher referrals in elementary schools. The problem is that there is no one standard test used in schools to determine giftedness. On top of that, many school districts don’t test every student. Instead, they rely on teacher referrals, which, as Renae Mayes, an associate professor in the counseling program in the Department of Disability and Psychoeducational Studies at the University of Arizona, points out, introduces bias.

To highlight this potential bias, Mayes, an ACA member whose research focuses on gifted education and special education for students of color in urban environments, poses several insightful questions: How are teachers trained to recognize giftedness? How are they trained to recognize that giftedness exists in many different kinds of bodies? Will teachers see a Black student who can’t sit still in their seat and has lots of energy as someone who is gifted and excited about learning, or will they perceive the child negatively — as someone who has a behavioral problem or wants to disrupt the learning environment?

The sad reality is that the current method of identifying giftedness has led to an underrepresentation of individuals from marginalized backgrounds in gifted programs. Researchers at the Thomas B. Fordham Institute recently found that in schools that feature gifted programs, only three states enroll more than 10% of their Black and Hispanic students in such programs; in 22 states, that figure stands at less than 5%.

Black and Hispanic students are also overrepresented in special education, Mayes points out. When children are put in special education, it often becomes the only lens through which they are perceived, she says, and the likelihood of them also being identified as gifted dramatically decreases. As Mayes notes, these children tend to be viewed through a deficit perspective, which often incorporates stereotypical understandings of culture and disability rather than allowing children to be seen for their gifts and talents.

According to the article “Myths and research regarding the socio-emotional needs of the gifted,” published in the September issue of The Gifted Education Review (of which Bishop serves as co-editor), individuals from different cultures may not be as readily identified as gifted. Among the reasons highlighted in the article are because these individuals’ cultural norms differ from those of the prevalent culture (e.g., what might be viewed as positive assertiveness in one culture might be perceived as too aggressive in another) or because they are gifted in their first language, which differs from the English language programs in their schools.

“There’s a big push in gifted education to modify how we identify students and make it tied to what kids need academically,” says Kircher-Morris, the president and founder of the Gifted Support Network, a nonprofit dedicated to helping the families of gifted and high-ability learners. “And schools are getting better about identifying kids younger, and they’re doing more universal screening,” which helps remove issues of bias that can arise with teacher and parent referrals.

Twice-exceptionality

Gifted individuals may also have a special need or disability. According to NAGC, the term twice-exceptional (also known as “2e”) describes gifted children who have the potential for high achievement but also have one or more disabilities, including learning disabilities, speech and language disorders, emotional/behavioral disorders, physical disabilities, autism spectrum disorder or other impairments such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

“People don’t often think that individuals who are gifted can also have [a] disability,” Kircher-Morris says. “It’s kind of counterintuitive, so you end up with kids who are exceptionally cognitively able but perhaps they have ADHD or are autistic and they need a 504 plan or perhaps even an individualized education program.”

Kircher-Morris, chair-elect of the NAGC Social and Emotional Development Network, has noticed that sometimes teachers don’t feel as though they have to make accommodations in environments such as advanced placement classes. These teachers just expect that if a student is in such a class, they should be able to do the work. She often reminds educators that not taking a challenging course is not an accommodation. Twice-exceptional students still need to be challenged; they just need some help along the way.

It can be easy for counselors and other mental health professionals to miss a diagnosis of twice-exceptionality, says Kircher-Morris, who hosts the Mind Matters podcast, which focuses on the development of high-ability and twice-exceptional people across the life span. She is also the author of the forthcoming book Teaching Twice-Exceptional Learners in Today’s Classroom.

Kircher-Morris has had several clients get psychological evaluations and come back with a misdiagnosis. She recalls an example in which one of her elementary-age gifted clients was having meltdowns at school, becoming emotionally dysregulated and having trouble understanding nonverbal cues. Kircher-Morris knew the client was gifted, and she strongly suspected he was also autistic. The boy’s parents were reluctant to accept that label because of the stigma surrounding autism. It was easier for them to just say, “He’s quirky because he’s gifted.”

When Kircher-Morris finally convinced the parents to get a psychological assessment for their son, she wrote a letter to the person doing the assessment and told them the child was gifted to ensure that would be factored in. But the person doing the assessment did not specialize in giftedness and ended up diagnosing the child as depressed because sometimes when he had meltdowns, he would say, “I hate myself. I wish I could die.”

Kircher-Morris knew the client wasn’t clinically depressed. Instead, he was having big emotions and wasn’t sure how to talk about them, she says. She adds that one day of testing and questionnaires is not enough to fully understand and diagnosis a person.

Kircher-Morris still works with this student, and now that he is in high school, his autism is more pronounced. When his schedule shifted and he had to start showering in the mornings instead of the evenings, he didn’t handle it well at first. Kircher-Morris worked with him on regulating his emotions around this change. The student also has some issues with friends at school, but other people in his life often view him solely through a lens of giftedness and assume that he shouldn’t have any trouble communicating, Kircher-Morris says. They don’t realize that as a twice-exceptional adolescent, he sometimes does have certain challenges.

Trying to identify a client as twice-exceptional is even more difficult because of the concept of masking. As Tolison notes, gifted individuals with a learning disability can fall into one of three categories:

1) The individual’s advanced intellect compensates for their learning disability.

2) The learning disability or special need overshadows the person’s giftedness.

3) The giftedness and learning disability mask each other to the point that the individual appears to have average intelligence.

Research shows that twice-exceptional children are often diagnosed later than their peers because their struggles aren’t as noticeable initially, Kircher-Morris says. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders states that individuals with autism, for example, may be able to compensate for their comparative lack of social skills until social expectations exceed their abilities, she notes. A gifted child who is also autistic may not have a language delay when they are little, but by the time they get to middle school or high school, their emotional and social struggles and rigid thinking become more problematic.

“And we’ve now lost all of that time to be proactive and to support them and to help them build the skills they need to be successful, confident and happy,” Kircher-Morris adds.

To avoid mislabeling clients, Tolison, a registered play therapist who works with children who are twice-exceptional (particularly those with ADHD), advises counselors to always consider what the client’s behavior is communicating. Are they fidgeting in the classroom because they are understimulated, or is it a symptom of ADHD?

Therapists need to recognize “the blend of symptomology between gifted and diagnosis,” Tolison continues. For example, mental health professionals shouldn’t presume a client is autistic just because the client is smart and struggles to socialize with peers, she says. Instead, she advises digging deeper and considering whether the symptoms decrease or dissipate when the client is in an ideal setting, such as being around others who have interests similar to theirs.

Giftedness and special education are often seen as being opposite ends of the continuum, Mayes says, but she asserts they are separate continuums and can exist simultaneously. “The disability is the how you do something,” she explains. Even though an individual may need to do a task or skill differently or may need help, they can still possess a higher cognitive ability, notes Mayes, who has published several articles on this topic, including “College and career readiness groups for gifted Black high school students with disabilities” in The Journal for Specialists in Group Work.

Mayes recounts a real case example of how these continuums can overlap in a client: A Black student who was in a gifted program in middle school had an accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. The injury caused the boy to get bad headaches if he sat for long periods of time, and his vision became blurry. But his cognitive ability was unchanged. He just needed some accommodations to help him at school. His teachers didn’t believe he was actually having headaches, however. They assumed he was just trying to get out of doing the work. The boy internalized their disbelief and told his mother the teachers were looking at him as if he were a “lazy Black kid,” a stereotype he knew was prevalent at the school. Soon thereafter, the boy’s grades started to suffer.

His mother became a big advocate for her son and pushed for a special education and gifted label for him. Even so, the school refused. It wasn’t until the boy entered high school and the school counselor joined the mother’s fight that they finally got some accommodations for the student. When the boy translated his talent for STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) into a passion for band, the band director also advocated for him.

This student had to reconfigure his identity as not just a gifted student but as a gifted student with a traumatic brain injury, and he had to learn to self-advocate, Mayes says.

Asynchronous development

Gifted children’s cognitive, emotional and physical development are often asynchronous, meaning that their intellectual development outpaces their maturity or emotional development. Even though their intellectual skills are advanced, their social and emotional skills may lag behind.

“Cognitive giftedness is not necessarily the same as emotional maturity,” Kircher-Morris says. Because gifted children are often highly verbal and speak as if they are mini-adults, people incorrectly assume that their behavioral and emotional regulation skills will also be advanced, she explains. So, counselors should consider clients’ emotional development along with their cognitive development.

According to Tolison, “There can be upward of a 12-year spread between a child’s intellectual age … [and] their social/emotional age.” For example, a twice-exceptional child with ADHD could be 8 biologically, but with the intellectual capabilities of a 12-year-old and the social and emotional development of a 6-year-old. And at times, the child might have emotional outbursts that are on par with a 4-year-old, Tolison adds.

Tolison often helps her clients first understand emotional language. She finds the “anger iceberg” exercise helpful for teaching emotion identification and awareness. Because some clients might be gifted in empathy, this process is less about identifying emotions and more about learning how to express them, she adds. Tolison then helps clients focus on executive functioning skills such as planning ahead, organizing one’s thoughts, flexible thinking and demonstrating self-control — all of which can be challenging for individuals who are twice-exceptional. She may play chess or Othello with clients to help them work on impulse control, for example.

Kircher-Morris engages clients’ higher-level cognitive skills by adjusting her counseling approach. This can be as simple as using a more advanced technique with a younger client (similar to grade skipping in school), or it may involve tailoring a technique to make it more analytical and creative.

The emotion wheel, which describes eight basic emotions and their varying degrees, is a great tool for helping clients identify and name their emotions, Kircher-Morris says. But this tool may not stimulate gifted clients enough to keep them engaged, so she alters it to make it more cognitively challenging. Her emotion wheel is mostly blank. She leaves a few emotion words in different places around the wheel and works with clients to fill in the blank spaces. Sometimes they look up words in the thesaurus or online to find the “just right” word, and then clients evaluate and determine which words should go on the wheel. This activity builds on the higher-level vocabulary that gifted clients often possess, and it provides them with some autonomy in session, she says.

Letting gifted clients direct (but not dictate) sessions

Kircher-Morris finds that gifted children are often unaware that anything is “wrong.” They can be skeptical of counseling at first, especially if their parents are the ones who initiated it. And because these children are gifted, she says, they often want to know the “why” before they completely trust and participate in different counseling approaches.

For that reason, Kircher-Morris encourages these clients to ask questions and takes time to explain the psychology behind the interventions. She also allows clients to explore what works best for them and to develop their own ideas about what would be helpful.

When Kircher-Morris introduces the cognitive triangle exercise (which emphasizes the relationship between one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors), she moves beyond just drawing the diagram on a dry-erase board. She also poses a hypothetical example to help clients better understand the underlying principle behind the activity.

An example she often uses is a student who has an upcoming math test. She asks, “What uncomfortable emotions might they be experiencing?” After she and the client brainstorm some possible feelings, she asks, “If they’re experiencing those uncomfortable emotions, then what thoughts might they be having?” She draws speech bubbles on the board, and she and the client fill them in together.

Then they discuss how these thoughts might influence the hypothetical student’s behavior, where the student could intervene and how this would change the outcome. Running through this hypothetical allows clients to better understand the way the exercise works before they apply it to their own situations, Kircher-Morris says.

The fact that gifted individuals have higher-level thinking skills also means they are more likely to find fault in others’ logic, Kircher-Morris says. In fact, because these individuals are often brighter than their parents, teachers and others with whom they interact, counselors might find themselves trapped in a logical corner when a gifted client pokes holes in their reasoning. Should this happen, Kircher-Morris advises counselors not to engage in a power struggle.

“Don’t try to assert your intelligence or the information that you have because that’s going to damage the rapport,” Kircher-Morris says. Instead, her approach is to acknowledge the valid point the client has made. For example, she may say, “I hadn’t thought about it that way. I’ve seen this counseling technique work with other clients, but maybe it won’t work with you. Let’s figure out what will work. Do you think any part of that activity might be relevant for you?”

Tolison agrees that gifted clients benefit from being able to have some control over their therapy, but she cautions counselors not to let them dictate the direction of treatment. She says she often has parents who come to her because they previously worked with another therapist who allowed their gifted child to take control to the point that they weren’t making progress. 

Often, gifted clients are excited to engage in a topic they are passionate about, but that can dominate the session. However, as Tolison points out, counselors can turn that passion into a therapeutic intervention. She once had a client who wanted to talk about the dwarf planet Pluto for most of their sessions. She seized on that as an opportunity to teach the client about mindfulness and social awareness.

She used the phrase “I noticed” to stop him from discussing Pluto: “I noticed you’ve talked 20 minutes now on Pluto. I love that you are sharing your passion with me, but can we take a break because I’m a little exhausted from learning that information right now. Let’s talk about something new.” This statement set a limit for the client while also helping them become more mindful of the passage of time and of other people’s feelings, Tolison says.

Tolison also encourages clinicians to be humble when working with gifted clients. “Sometimes the most therapeutic thing you can do for a profoundly gifted kid is be excited about what they can teach you because in that [process], they are also learning,” she says.

Embracing neurodiversity

Kircher-Morris’ goal is to help normalize the fact that different types of brain wiring exist. People with this brain wiring might be divergent from the norm, but that doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with them. Being gifted or twice-exceptional is simply part of the human condition. Normalizing neurodiversity will encourage people to realize that they need help and give them the courage to ask for it, she says.

Counselors are great at understanding the individual needs of clients, she continues, but unless they consider all the factors, including a person’s cognitive ability, then they may misread the situation and the client’s true needs. For example, if a cognitively gifted child is having a hard time making friends, a counselor might focus simply on helping the child build social skills and self-confidence. But then the counselor would be missing the opportunity to consider other possible factors such as bullying, the child’s high stress levels, their feelings of isolation or others’ upward expectations of them — all of which could inhibit the child’s ability to form authentic relationships, Kircher-Morris explains.

So, she advises counselors working with this population to make sure they view their clients’ struggles through a lens of giftedness. How does giftedness or twice-exceptionality influence these clients’ experiences and reality? Clinicians must also figure out how to leverage clients’ strengths with their cognitive abilities to work through any issues they are having, Kircher-Morris says.

Mayes says counselors must be more holistic in understanding clients and see them as more than their struggles or even their giftedness. “We need to take a broader approach in our professional development,” she says, “so we can start understanding more fully individuals’ identities beyond giftedness to include culture, class, gender identity, affectional identities and so much more.”

 

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Lindsey Phillips is a contributing writer to Counseling Today and a UX content strategist. Contact her at hello@lindseynphillips.com or through her website at lindseynphillips.com.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Techniques for helping children navigate anxiety related to COVID-19

By Celine Cluff and Victoria Kress September 29, 2020

Counselors are working hard to help children and families navigate the uncharted territories the COVID-19 pandemic has introduced. Many children, especially those who are already managing stressful situations, have experienced an uptick in anxiety this year due to the pandemic, the spotlight on racial injustices and ensuing conflicts, and the various related challenges 2020 has presented.

In this article, we discuss several strategies that counselors can use during these difficult times to help children manage their anxiety.

Clear communication

Children have many questions about the challenges we are currently facing. Adults should explain things to children in clear, concrete terms. For example, in trying to educate a 5-year-old on safety and the pandemic, it would be best to say something along these lines: “There is a virus that can make people sick, and we can catch it. It is important to wash your hands and to keep space between you and other people that is as long as your bed.”

Clear, open communication is key. Children are inquisitive by nature, and it is important to show them that an adult or caretaker is available for exchanges of information. Keeping that exchange simple and age appropriate will help set the child’s mind at ease without causing them unnecessary stress.

On the other hand, shutting down a child’s request for information (out of fear of upsetting them, for example) is not helpful to children. Having a dialogue with a child is always a good idea because it can alleviate some of the tension and turn it into an opportunity for connection and care.

Taming worry dragons

Jane Garland and Sandra Clark — creators of the Taming Worry Dragons: A Manual for Children, Parents and Other Coaches — provide one approach that can help children manage anxiety. A “worry dragon” is characterized by negative or unpleasant thoughts, scared feelings and worries that will not go away.

For some people, worry dragons show up only occasionally. For others, these creatures are constant companions. The dragons might even present themselves in a herd with some frequency.

It can be very tiring to spend so much energy worrying. Having worry dragons means that a person (or child) has a special talent, which is worrying all the time. These individuals are likely able to imagine the worst possible scenario for any situation and to see it in vivid color, with all the gory details.

Children can be taught that tame worry dragons do not scare people and, in fact, can even be useful. What follows are some tips and tricks on how to hone dragon-taming skills.

Scheduling

Children can learn to better manage anxiety through thought-stopping tools — such as dedicating time to worry. When children start worrying actively about topics such as death or the possibility of losing a caretaker or other loved one to COVID-19, this skill can prove useful. Note that this type of worrying typically starts around the ages of 4 or 5; this is when children become aware of mortality (nobody lives forever) and other realities. Mixing this realization with the active and vivid imagination of a child can lead to the creation of worry dragons.

Using an egg timer for “worry time” works well. If a child is repeatedly asking if they are going to be OK because they have been directly or indirectly exposed to news about the coronavirus, a parent or caretaker would get the timer and tell the child they can dedicate five minutes to worrying about the virus. Afterward, they are to leave worries about the virus behind and start doing something else. Because children like to know what happens next and respond well to routines, this technique can help them feel in better control of some of their unpleasant or unwanted emotions.

By using scheduling to integrate worrying into daily activities, the anxious child can take a proactive approach in taming their worries instead of the worries taking hold of the child’s mind at random times throughout the day (or night). 

Creative imagination

Another interactive way of helping children manage anxiety is to have them write or draw their worries on a piece of paper and toss them into a worry jar. By shrinking, harnessing, locking up or trapping worries in a small space such as a jar, the child can make the worries more approachable.

Another option is to buy some colorful miniature pompoms for the child, which they can then place into the jar. When the time comes to work with the jar (e.g., the child is worried about something in particular and cannot relax), the parent or caretaker would extend an invitation to the child to pick a color (or multiple colors) and talk about it as if it represented the worry they cannot let go. This approach helps distract the child (through the texture and visualization of the soft, fluffy, colorful pompoms) while still allowing them to process whatever is bothering them.

Creating a routine

Children thrive on routine, and they require scheduled downtime. Scheduling time to relax and recharge is vital to harmonious home life. A good place to start would be using some of the tools covered in this article in combination with giving the family time to connect, restore and feel love (preferably without the use of a tablet or other device).

The deepening of a connection to a loved one can be a reassuring experience when a child’s sense of safety has been compromised due to the unforeseen circumstances families find themselves in currently. The suggestions in this article were curated to help families navigate these challenging times together while equipping children with helpful tools to combat anxiety. These methods can be applied regardless of the source of anxiety because they are designed to increase the level of control in children who experience anxiety. Helping children hone these skills from an early age can equip them with valuable coping mechanisms to last a lifetime.

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Related reading, from Counseling Today columnist Cheryl Fisher: “The Counseling Connoisseur: How to talk to children about the coronavirus

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Celine Cluff is a registered clinical counselor practicing in Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada. She holds a master’s degree in psychoanalytic studies from Middlesex University in London and is currently completing her doctorate in occupational psychology. Her private practice focuses on family therapy, couples therapy and parenting challenges. Contact her at celine.cluff@yahoo.com.

Victoria Kress is a professor at Youngstown State University in Ohio. She is a licensed professional clinical counselor and supervisor, national certified counselor and certified clinical mental health counselor. She has published extensively on many topics related to counselor practice. Contact her at victoriaEkress@gmail.com.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.