Tag Archives: shame

Disarming anger

By Bethany Bray September 23, 2022

Anger is personified in the animated Disney-Pixar film Inside Out as a stocky, red-faced character who is prone to mistrust and often takes things personally. He is easily upset and when he perceives a situation as unfair, he begins to yell and emit flames from the top of his head like a blowtorch.

Although the 2015 film was made with a younger audience in mind, many adults can easily relate to this character. The “flames” that erupt when Anger escalates may be figurative rather than literal, but it can feel just as real as depicted on screen.

Anger is one of a multitude of emotions that is a normal part of the human experience. Clients, however, sometimes avoid talking about their anger in counseling because it can be uncomfortable and hide emotions that may feel more vulnerable for them to reveal, says Kelly Smith, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) who has extensive experience working in the field of domestic violence, including helping perpetrators with anger issues. 

Counselors can play a key role in removing the barriers and stigma that keep clients from addressing their anger, Smith stresses. This includes making it clear that anger is a normal occurrence and something to address when dysregulated. If a counselor is qualified and open to helping clients who feel angry all the time, they should emphasize that on their professional website and bio information, she adds.

“People can struggle with feeling out of control. And sometimes that is expressed as anger,” says Smith, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling at Springfield College in Massachusetts. “It’s important to normalize that this is something to get help for.”

Interrelated emotions

Anger can be such a complicated emotion that clients struggle to describe it or identify its nuances and connections. An essential first step toward helping clients understand their anger is guiding them to explore the full range of what they’re feeling, says Smith, a member of the American Counseling Association.

Several of the counselors interviewed for this article say they use an emotions wheel to guide clients toward understanding their anger more fully, including emotions that are interrelated. Smith says she uses it in every session as a discussion starter.

In addition to shame and embarrassment, anger can be connected to feeling threatened, overwhelmed, vulnerable, resentful, overlooked or unrecognized and a range of other experiences that clients may struggle to express or connect the dots, says Reginald W. Holt, an LPC in Connecticut and Missouri and a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) in Illinois. 

Holt created and led an eight-week mindfulness-based relapse mitigation program that focused on emotion regulation, including anger management, with clients at an outpatient addictions treatment facility. Holt, along with Mark Pope, published the findings from this program in a 2022 article in the Journal of Human Services.

Holt says he noticed a common pattern of emotions among the program participants, all of whom were men on probation and parole. Many of the men would become angry — at their situation, at others or at the universe — when they experienced triggers, lapses or cravings for substances, he recalls. These feelings would often be intensified if the client was feeling unsupported because their family or loved ones had established firm boundaries or ostracized the client, which often happens within support networks when addiction and related behaviors cause problems, notes Holt, an ACA member.

When clients had relapses, their anger was often accompanied by feelings of remorse, powerlessness, frustration, defeat or fear that the rest of their life would be an unsuccessful, frustrating struggle to gain control over substance use, says Holt, a master addiction counselor, advanced alcohol and drug counselor and internationally certified advanced addiction counselor. This pattern would reoccur time after time until clients learned to recognize these interrelated concerns and respond, rather than react, to feelings of anger.

“Anger is the surface level, but if you dig down below that, it’s usually a sense of not having control and below that, a sense of fear,” he says. “It boils down, in some respect, to feeling overwhelmed, feeling helpless [and] feeling like it’s all too much.”

Exploring the origins

When a client appears to be struggling with anger, Smith recommends counselors conduct a thorough assessment for mental health issues that sometimes go hand in hand with anger such as substance use, domestic violence or abuse, posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression as well as medical issues such as brain injury or chronic pain. Clients who present with anger may need counseling work to address these other related issues first, either within the counseling sessions or in additional work with a specialist or in a group setting, she notes.

Anger can also be a “learned behavior,” says Toni Moran, an LPC and co-owner of a consulting and counseling practice in Denver. This was the case for Moran, who grew up in a household where there was a lot of yelling — and never an apology or repair. As an adult, it has taken a conscious effort to unlearn these patterns she saw as a child, she says.

Clients who, at an early age, witnessed caretakers, adults or even siblings default to anger and lose control of their emotions learn that it’s a way to connect, communicate, be heard and get one’s needs met. “It takes a lot of self-awareness and insight to say, ‘I probably could have handled that in a better way,’” Moran says, “And a lot of the people who are coming to me with anger problems weren’t modeled that in childhood.”

Moran and the other counselors interviewed for this article agree that delving into a client’s childhood and historical narrative can be a key way — for both client and counselor — to understand the context for their angry feelings and behavior.

However, Moran stresses that practitioners should use their “counselor intuition” to gauge how soon a client might be ready to talk about their childhood and the origins of their anger. Building rapport and trust with clients who struggle with anger should take priority, she says.

Alice Edwards, an LPC who specializes in helping clients with anger at her Houston private practice, agrees that questions about a client’s childhood can help shed light on the roots of their anger, as well as make it clear to the client that long-held patterns of anger and/or aggression will continue to plague them until they are processed.

Edwards begins these discussions by asking a client to remember the first time they experienced the type of anger that they struggle with now as an adult. She prompts them to recall how old they were, what was going on in their life at the time, how they felt and if the situation was ever resolved.

The counselor’s role, she says, is to guide the client with gentle questioning that can help uncover connections between past situations and patterns that occur in their adult life.

This was the case for a male client of Edwards’ who was struggling with problematic, angry feelings toward his work supervisor. Conversations about the client’s upbringing revealed that his father, who was in the military, had been absent a lot during his childhood because of work travel. And whenever the father returned home, he was extremely strict and often angry with the client. Exploring this history in counseling helped the client draw connections between his anger at his father and his anger at his boss and helped him move toward healing, Edwards recalls.

Diffusing anger

Humans express and present anger in different ways, which means each client will have unique needs and they may need to work on a variety of issues in tandem with their anger in counseling. These issues can include processing trauma, improving self-compassion, learning communication skills or conflict management, and working on better expressing their needs. And for some clients, it may be all of the above.

The counselors interviewed for this article, however, agree that clients won’t be able to delve into a treatment plan until they learn coping mechanisms to diffuse their anger in real time. They shared the following techniques to help clients learn to calm themselves, reflect and find ways to reroute their emotions to keep anger from escalating into problematic and negative patterns and behavior.

Breathing and mindfulness. Breathing techniques can serve as a useful and easily accessible way for clients to pause whenever they feel themselves becoming angry. Breathwork was the first layer of the mindfulness method that Holt used with clients in the relapse prevention program. Focusing on breathing often calmed the participants to the point where they could be mindful of their other physical sensations, range of emotions and five senses, which further helped them to slow down. The clarity of mind clients gained through this progressive mindfulness technique allowed them to reflect on the “rational and reasonable choices” they could make to replace anger as a response mechanism, notes Holt, an associate professor in the Department of Counselor Education and Family Therapy at Central Connecticut State University.

Breathing techniques work well as a primary and go-to tool for clients because they can bring the person out of fight-or-flight mode and reactivate their logical, problem-solving ability, Holt explains.

He encourages clients — and students, when teaching mindfulness as a counselor educator — to practice and hone these skills during mundane, everyday activities such as brushing their teeth, washing the dishes or taking a shower. Individuals can learn to focus on the temperature of the water or the taste of the toothpaste instead of letting their mind wander, he explains. And when it inevitably does, they can learn to gently lead themselves back to a mindful focus without self-judgment.

He challenges clients (or students) to gradually increase the amount of time they practice mindfulness, and then they discuss what did and didn’t work and what they learned when they debrief with him in session (or class). 

Safety planning. Creating a safety plan is a common and important practice in domestic violence work, but it can also be helpful for clients who struggle with anger, Smith says. The key is to create safety plans with clients before they need them and to have the client come up with the content. 

Clients can often identify how, where and why their angry behavior usually occurs, Smith notes, which makes them the best experts on ways that behavior can be diffused or curtailed. So the safety plan won’t have the desired effect unless the client, not the counselor, identifies the steps in their plan, she stresses.

For example, a client who has a history of physical expressions of anger might suggest removing the doors from the kitchen cabinets so they cannot be slammed or replacing metal or wooden drink coasters in their living room with cardboard ones so they cannot be thrown as easily, Smith says.

A client can also create a plan to use when they’re with a person or in a situation that usually makes them angry. Perhaps they come up with a signal to let a trusted friend or partner know when they’re starting to feel angry and need to take a break, she says. Then the client could go outside and take a quick walk or use other coping mechanisms to calm themselves.

Safety planning in this way ensures that clients have healthier alternatives at the ready to express themselves or release their anger, Smith adds.

Journaling. Journaling can serve as an outlet to document the strong feelings that clients who struggle with anger sometimes have trouble tolerating or understanding. Moran asks each of her clients to find or purchase a notebook for journaling as they begin counseling work together. Clients can often benefit from documenting their thoughts and tracking their progress in a journal, she says, but it can be a particularly helpful medium for clients who are working on anger issues. Moran sometimes suggests these clients turn to their journal after an angry incident to record the feelings and sensations they experienced and, in turn, reflect on what they learned.

Prompting clients to keep track of the events and interactions that happened before an angry episode, Edwards adds, can help them connect the dots between triggers and patterns that influence and lie underneath their anger.

Writing assignments, however, may not be a good fit for all clients. Edwards says that she sometimes encourages clients to record themselves (using audio or video) on their cellphones, which they can replay later.

Releasing through movement. Anger is an active emotion, so it helps to move one’s body to release it, Moran says. She sometimes teaches clients who struggle with anger a technique she calls “shaking leaf,” where they stand and shake their body to release tension, anger, frustration and related feelings. She says she often stands up and does this with clients to encourage them and illustrate the technique in session. Any movement that feels therapeutic to a client can be helpful in this way, she notes. Moran also finds that tapping and bilateral stimulation techniques can be useful for clients to process anger in the moment. 

Movement in the form of exercise played a key part in helping a client who once sought counseling from Moran after being written up twice at work for angry behavior, including throwing a chair. He had chronic stress that was unaddressed, and it escalated to a boiling point when co-workers were not completing tasks in a certain way, she recalls. He also felt intense shame about his behavior after the fact.

In counseling, Moran and the client found that a three-pronged combination of coping mechanisms —  physical exercise (walking his dog and riding his Peloton bike), journaling, and breathing and mindfulness techniques — provided the outlets he needed to release, process and reflect on the anger he was feeling. The client found it particularly helpful to do breathwork and body scanning in his car when he arrived at work each morning and at the end of his day before driving home, she says.

Moran counseled the client for two years and he was never written up by his employer again. By the end of their sessions together, he continued to journal regularly to process his feelings and thoughts, but the client no longer found work to be a source of frustration, she says.

Interjecting humor. Alison Huang, an LCPC with a private practice in Silver Spring, Maryland, often counsels clients who struggle with anger. When a situation seems unfair, clients who are prone to anger often take it personally, Huang says, so she sometimes takes a creative, humorous approach to help clients who react in this way to reframe the situation.

Huang often suggests that clients picture people who have made them angry as a minion, the yellow creatures who first appeared in the 2010 film Despicable Me. Loyal and loving, the minion’s childlike behavior and attempts to help often result in unintended mayhem.

Picturing the person who cuts you off in traffic, a difficult co-worker or your irritating neighbor as a minion makes it hard to get angry at them because they didn’t mean it and they don’t know any better, Huang explains.

She sometimes plays video clips of the minions for clients in counseling sessions as they talk through scenarios that made them angry. She asks clients: How would you feel and react if you were a bystander in this scene with the minions? How is it different than your reactions in real life?

Introducing the minions as a coping mechanism often makes clients laugh and instantly diffuses their anger, she says.

“Humor and reframing are a good combination for [addressing] anger. Having some laughs shifts their energy suddenly, softens their demeanor and increases their capacity for empathy for others and themselves,” Huang continues. “It’s very easy for those who struggle with anger to take things personally. [In counseling, try and] find ways for them to detach and keep from taking it personally — get out of that loop and find new thought patterns.”

Befriending anger

Anger is often viewed with negative connotations (both by clients and within society), but counselors can guide individuals to see that it is only negative when it’s dysregulated and results in unhealthy behaviors and patterns. When used in a productive way, anger can inform us, alert us and protect us — it can actually be a good thing, Moran says.

In fact, her goal, she says, is not to help clients get rid of anger — which is a normal human emotion and will always be present — but to help them learn to process it in a more constructive way.

Depending on a client’s needs and situation, Huang uses a combination of methods, including relational therapy, mindfulness, and acceptance and commitment therapy, to help individuals process anger and the deeper issues that sometimes underlie it, such as fear of abandonment.

According to Holt, the crux of helping clients overcome dysregulated anger is helping them learn to see it as an emotion to explore and learn from, rather than something to suppress or be overcome by. He aims to help clients rewrite their “automatic pilot” use of anger as a go-to response.

Offering the client psychoeducation on the nervous system and how anger can be connected to humans’ fight-or-flight response is an important first step in this process, Holt says, as well as teaching mindfulness techniques, such as body scanning, to help clients become attuned to how anger feels in their body and the physical cues that indicate it’s beginning to escalate, such as a clenched jaw or upset stomach.

“It can be an empowering experience [for the client] to acknowledge that ‘I felt angry and I sat with it, investigated it and realized that it didn’t have to overtake me,’” Holt notes. 

Drawing from psychologist Tara Brach’s RAIN method, Holt used mindfulness to teach the participants in the relapse prevention program to explore and learn from their anger. Brach’s acronym can be a helpful way to introduce clients to the idea of pausing to consider why they’re becoming angry and finding other ways to channel that energy, Holt notes. RAIN prompts users to:

Recognize what is happening

Allow and acknowledge that the experience is happening

Investigate it with curiosity

Nurture with self-compassion

Holt says the clarity that comes with this measured, calm response also helps clients to learn to take in the full context of an anger-provoking situation and assess whether it is a source of true harm or simply perceived harm.

It can be a hard thing to learn for those who have used anger to express themselves or react to uncomfortable feelings for a long time, Holt admits, and it will need to be repeated and practiced. It also requires them to be able to identify the full range of emotions that they’re feeling and deploy self-compassion.

This focus on exploring anger creates “an opportunity to slow down; become more intimate and familiar with your emotions as they rise, crest and fall; and be able to tolerate the discomfort of that in the moment,” Holt continues. And it introduces skills for “checking where the anger is residing in your body and befriending it, rather than being afraid of it and avoiding the impulse to discharge it immediately because it’s uncomfortable.”

Moran takes a similar approach with clients by using techniques to help them detach and separate themselves from their anger. For example, she says counselors can encourage clients to view situations that provoke anger with curiosity. It can be helpful for clients to consider why their anger is showing up now, she adds, and think through the events that led to these feelings by asking what activities they were doing, who they talked to and what happened earlier.

Slowing down to consider the potential reasons for and the context of their anger in this way can also help them identify needs that aren’t being met, and in turn, prompt them to communicate their needs instead of responding in anger, Moran says.

She also teaches clients who struggle with anger to rephrase their “I” statements. Instead of thinking or saying, “I am angry,” they can learn to describe it with language such as “I feel anger” or “Anger is showing up right now.”

It can be helpful to teach clients to view anger as a person who is coming to visit, Moran notes. “Have the client address it, [saying] ‘I see you and I feel you. What are you trying to tell me?’ It’s often trying to warn us that something’s not right. And when we ignore [its message], it gets to a boiling point.”

Anger’s aftermath

A final — and important — step for clients to overcome problematic anger is learning the skills to acknowledge when they have responded in anger or hurt others and apologize, when appropriate, Moran says.

She uses the repair techniques outlined in the Gottman method of couples therapy with clients — both individuals and couples — who struggle with anger. Depending on a client’s needs and situation, a person can work on repair individually by writing in a journal or recording their thoughts or collaboratively by speaking with others who were affected by their angry behavior.

Repair is helpful because it prompts the client to acknowledge what happened as well as its context, Moran says. “They can come back to the person or people who were involved and say, ‘I was feeling angry and this is why, and it wasn’t OK for me to do or say XYZ,’” she explains.

For clients, the process of making amends by verbalizing or writing how they felt and behaved during an angry episode can also help strengthen their skills of distancing themselves from their anger, separating facts from feelings and communicating their needs, Moran adds.

“When I see shame [in clients who struggle with anger], it’s often because their angry behavior resulted in hurting someone else or made them look bad,” she says. “I try and help clients separate themselves so they don’t see themselves as the emotion.”

Benjavisa Ruangvaree Art/Shutterstock.com

 

Clients who don’t see anger as a problem

Practitioners may encounter clients who describe angry feelings and behaviors in counseling sessions but don’t see them as inappropriate or problematic.

In some cases, anger has become such a go-to or automatic response for a client and a way to get their needs met that they don’t even recognize it as anger, says Kelly Smith, a licensed professional counselor (LPC). It can also be a learned and internalized behavior, especially when a person has not had examples in their life of people who deal with anger in a healthy way.

Smith, who has extensive experience working in the field of domestic violence, says this is not uncommon among clients who are perpetrators of abuse. She once worked with a perpetrator of domestic violence who mentioned in session that every time they were upset with their partner, they went into the kitchen and tightened all the lids on the jars so their partner would have trouble opening them.

This client described this behavior as playing “a joke” on their partner, recalls Smith, an assistant professor in the Department of Counseling at Springfield College in Massachusetts. They didn’t see it as an act of aggression or anger; they thought it was funny. 

“When working with perpetrators, they might not see themselves as angry, but it’s a part of their situation,” Smith explains. “They often minimize [anger], deny it or justify it to make it something other than what it is. They might say ‘I only did X …’ to make [behaviors associated with anger] sound smaller than what it was or deny that it was aggression or abuse in the first place.”

For example, one of Smith’s clients shared that in an attempt to leave an argument with their partner, they simply “picked their partner up to move them out of the way.” But the police report shared another perspective: This act of “moving” their partner resulted in a broken door. 

It may go without saying that clients who struggle with anger can benefit from learning coping skills to be able to calm themselves and respond in a less aggressive way. But, as Smith notes, individuals who minimize or ignore their anger may not be ready to learn these skills — let alone address the heavy issues that can dovetail with anger, such as substance use or trauma.

She recommends counselors find and focus on motivation to connect and prompt growth with these clients. For clients who minimize anger, this often takes the form of finding a reason to change besides wanting to avoid getting in trouble for their angry behavior (e.g., wanting to change because they love their spouse), Smith says. And, most importantly, these reasons for motivation to change must be concepts (or people) that the client, not the counselor, identifies, she emphasizes.

Clients may need to revisit these conversations and remind themselves of their motivation throughout counseling work for anger or aggression. Smith suggests that counselors prompt the client to talk about where they want to see themselves in 10 years: How will they behave? What will be different in their life? How will they handle things that have made them angry in the past? Then, have the client identify things they need to do one week, one month and one year from now to reach that 10-year goal, Smith says.

 

*****

Bethany Bray is a senior writer and social media coordinator for Counseling Today. Contact her at bbray@counseling.org.

****

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

The shame of sexual addiction

By Scott Stolarick September 6, 2022

Editor’s Note: This article uses terminology commonly used in the addiction and criminology fields.

Josh is six months sober. He is finally feeling the confidence to branch out and insert himself in a social situation and test the waters. At dinner with some acquaintances, Josh orders a soda much to the surprise of the others. Without much hesitation, Josh discloses that he is an alcoholic and quit drinking. He shares a sobriety coin with the group and receives unbridled support and praise for his courageous journey.

Like Josh, Derek is also six months sober. He is at a social gathering and his friends decide to watch a rather risqué television show that everyone is talking about. Because he is among friends, Derek takes a risk and discloses that he is a sex addict and is not supposed to watch those types of shows because of potential triggers and the risk of relapse. You could hear a pin drop in the room. This reaction caused Derek to regret coming forward with this disclosure, and he awkwardly excuses himself. 

These two different reactions to addiction illustrate that not all recovery is created equal. Unfortunately, most laypeople do not know what sexual addiction is much less how to deal with it if it affects them or others they know. Although sexual addiction has received some high-profile exposure with movies such as Don Jon and celebrities Tiger Woods and David Duchovny revealing that they are addicted to sex, the issue still remains foreign to most. 

What is sexual addiction? 

In his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Patrick Carnes, an expert on sex addiction and treatment, defines sexual addiction as “any sexually related compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and one’s work environment.” This behavior can manifest in a variety of ways, including the overuse of pornography, promiscuity, infidelity, paid sexual encounters and a high frequency of sex (even within a committed relationship). 

There are several stereotypes that often come to mind when people hear the term “sex addict.” Sometimes the term is used synonymously with sex offender, and although the two terms can certainly coexist, they can also be mutually exclusive. Many people think a sex addict is that creepy-looking person they tend to avoid, the person who is unsuccessful in pursuit of relationships, the social outcast, the person without means and resources, or the person with the corny pickup lines in bars. And although all of these descriptions could be part of a sex addict’s profile, focusing on stereotypes is an antiquated and closed-minded way of thinking, especially when it comes to understanding sexual addiction. 

I treated sex offenders on an outpatient basis for 26 years. If I learned one thing, it was the fact that these individuals came in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders and socioeconomic backgrounds. Often, it was the unassuming person, ostensibly the harmless law-abiding type, who was committing the most heinous crimes. A sex addict can be your “happily married” neighbor, your pastor, a doctor, a lawyer, a man or a woman. Sexual and gender orientation are also not factors that determine sex addiction. In other words, this issue does not discriminate, and neither should we in our attempts to understand and/or treat it. 

Twelve-step programs emphasize the need to completely abstain from the identified problematic behaviors, but this philosophy is not as straightforward as it sounds when it comes to sexual behavior. Instead of educating people about healthier sexuality, some recovery movements emphasize complete abstinence of sexual behavior, outside of marriage and committed relationships, which results in extreme pressure and self-imposed guilt and shame. Carnes coined the term “sexual anorexia” to describe the shame-based and unhealthy avoidance of sexual behavior. People often avoid even discussing sex and sexual problems, but this same approach should not be used when clinically treating problems in sexual behavior.

I have mistakenly referred past sex addict clients to support groups in which they were shamed for having sexual thoughts and masturbating. This triggered relapse behavior and a general clinical regression. 

While sexual addiction does parallel other forms of addictive behavior, it is also quite different. All people have a libido. Granted this exists to varying degrees, but it is there, and as humans we possess it. Sexual behavior and reproduction rituals also exists in various levels of the animal kingdom. Creatures that can reproduce asexually such as worms also elect to mate with other worms as another reproductive option. Therefore, when approaching the problem of sexual addiction, I believe it is our duty to conceptualize it knowing that sexual desire is a common denominator (at various levels) among both humans and animals. The fact that sexuality is a core part of the human experience explains why categorically it is different from other types of addiction such as alcohol and substance use, gambling, and shopping. Sure, there is a strong argument for genetic predisposition, but not all people are genetically predisposed to addiction. Sexual addiction is not a cookie-cutter issue, so I feel it cannot be dealt with via thought extinction, complete behavioral abstinence and a pathologizing mindset. Later in this article, I discuss some treatment approaches that encompass both the similarities and differences of other addictions. 

The mental health profession still struggles with accepting and working to develop agreed-upon diagnostic criteria for sexual addiction. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) does not acknowledge sexual addiction, but it is hoped that the next version of the DSM will acknowledge the congruence between behavioral and chemical addiction and include sexual addiction as a legitimate diagnosis. In 2014, the American Society of Addiction Medicine, however, recognized sexual addiction as a legitimate addictive disorder. This lack of congruency around sexual addiction demonstrates the barriers that counselors and the public often face when trying to conceptualize sexual addiction. 

What are the signs? 

Looking at the behavioral manifestation and realizing how the behavior shows up is one important aspect when determining if someone is struggling with a sexual addiction. Understanding what drives the behavior is also crucial. Having said that, I am not professing to have a recipe for recognizing someone with a sexual addiction, but there are telltale signs. Common personality traits seen in sex addicts are obsessive thoughts, impulsivity, shame, depression, maladaptive coping methods for perceived losses of control, poor communication skills, high risk tolerance for sexual behavior and a hyperactive focus on sex. Any one or combination of these traits is often seen in cases of active sexual addiction. 

fizkes/Shutterstock.com

Sexual addiction is considered a process or behavioral addiction. Process addictions, which also include excessive shopping and gambling, are marked by a strong desire to engage in behaviors despite the potentially negative consequences. Thus, the elevated mood associated with addictions, albeit temporary, is often viewed as the elixir for troubling life circumstances and unwelcomed thoughts. The addict is vigorously chasing this elevated mood, but the behavior of engaging in the addiction is often followed by intense feelings of guilt and shame. In my work with sex offenders, I often used the term “transitory guilt,” which is a short-lived guilt that is very intense in nature and not manageable to carry around in one’s mind, to describe the offensive cycle of behavior. A myriad of thinking errors or cognitive distortions are used to decrease and eventually eliminate the guilt, thus putting the offender in a position to reoffend. This process is similar to what sex addicts experience, but it is even more accelerated because the actual guilt and shame process decreases in duration throughout the life of the addictive behaviors. 

I’m sure many readers are already aware that sexual addiction has a serious impact. I can say without hesitation that it has the potential to be a relationship and life wrecker, and it often does just that. For the addict, sexual addiction can result in relational, legal and financial consequences. It can also cause someone to experience shame, low self-worth, depression and anxiety. 

Sexual satiation perpetuates the addictive process by propelling it into deeper and more deviant places. A pornography addict, for example, might “upgrade” to impersonal sexual encounters, and then impersonal sexual encounters may lead to illegal sexual acts, such as voyeurism and exhibitionism. The addict’s objective is to continually seek gratification when the usual sources have lost their luster, so to speak. And pornography use can also complicate one’s ability to become aroused. The degrading and other unrealistic themes depicted in pornography create highly distorted expectations of what should occur within the context of real-life sexual relationships, thus rendering the addict incapable of arousal in those situations. This can also lead to men experiencing pornography-induced erectile dysfunction because the sexual outlets that are supposed to be acceptable and appropriate no longer elicit arousal.

Someone’s sexual addiction can also affect their loved ones, friends and work. The partner of a sex addict, for example, may feel disregarded, betrayed, devalued, replaced, insufficient and so on. If the additive behavior manifests in the workplace, the employer may have to terminate the person because the addictive behavior is affecting their work productivity. 

The internet, dating apps and virtual reality have ushered in a new world of opportunities for the sex addict. The saying “a kid in a candy store” has never been more applicable as it pertains to the anonymity, accessibility, variety and cost-free options that technology provides. Not only does television media inundate viewers with a “sex sells” approach to advertising, but the internet provides a wide array of sexual options at one’s fingertips. These factors certainly present added layers in the creation of a solid and effective recovery/treatment plan. 

What does treatment look like?

I personally believe that a clinician treating someone with a sexual addiction should have some level of clinical experience in this area. Counselors should not venture into this arena because they think it is interesting or they want to learn along with the client. This could be significantly more harmful than helpful and could lead the client and all those associated with the client down the wrong path. At the very least, a background in addictions or forensic psychology should be a qualification. Counselors can also receive training and specialized certifications in sexual addictions, such as the certified sex addiction therapist program at the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, which was founded by Carnes. The bottom line is that if you have zero experience working with this population, you should refer accordingly and seek training if you want to work in this area. 

Providing clinical treatment for sex addicts involves first conducting a thorough assessment of the identified circumstances. You must also gather an extensive social history with relevant collateral contacts. Remember, the addict’s point of view is not the only one; family members, friends and other treating professionals may have relevant data to offer. Examining the addict’s personal motivation for change, patterns of acting out, trauma history and other addictive manifestations are other crucial areas of exploration. And for those in relationships, it may be necessary to refer the significant other for services to address their trauma. 

Here are some other core clinical strategies counselors can use when working with sex addicts: 

  • Establish the artful balance between engagement and accountability. 
  • Set clear boundaries within the clinical arena. If an addict learns they can manipulate you, they will. 
  • Ask clients to use accountability software on their electronic devices. Obviously, this is not foolproof, but it offers some external control.
  • Develop allies within the addict’s life system to aid in supporting the treatment plan. 
  • Refer to a psychiatrist for a medication assessment to address anxiety and depression. Psychiatric medications can also act as a helpful libido suppressant while the client develops new skills. 
  • Work with clients to establish definitions of healthy sexual behavior and fantasy. 
  • Help clients develop adequate social skills training. 
  • Integrate bibliotherapy and appropriate support groups as needed.
  • Be empathetic. 

Collaboration within care is important with this population. Make no mistake about it: Treating a sex addict in a vacuum is not clinically recommended. As clinicians, we have to embrace our inner case manager to keep up with the demands of this work. 

And remember, we play an important role in helping clients who are struggling with sexual addiction. With counseling, they can learn that sex is not a bad thing and that they can experience it in a healthy way.

 

****

Scott Stolarick is a licensed clinical professional counselor who has been practicing in the state of Illinois for 30 years. He is an experienced administrator and clinical supervisor as well as a seasoned clinician. Scott has management and leadership certifications from the University of Notre Dame and Cornell University. Scott is currently a program director for Arbor Counseling Center in Gurnee, Illinois. 

 

Counseling Today reviews unsolicited articles written by American Counseling Association members. To access writing guidelines and tips for having an article accepted for publication, visit ct.counseling.org/feedback.

****

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Bringing pornography use out of the shadows

By Bethany Bray November 30, 2021

Dana Kirkpatrick, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and certified sex therapist (CST) and supervisor in Pennsylvania, is only half joking when she says she “specializes in talking about really uncomfortable things — and business is booming.”

She often supports clients as they delve into what is and isn’t working in their sex lives and how that intertwines with mental health, relationships and other aspects of life. Those discussions frequently include open and honest conversations about pornography, Kirkpatrick says.

Pornography use, like many other topics related to sexuality, can tie into other concerns that individuals and couples bring to counseling. Clients’ attitudes and beliefs regarding pornography are typically internalized based on social, cultural and moral influences. It is up to practitioners to raise the topic and create a nonjudgmental space for clients to explore the role pornography might play in their own sexuality and relationships, says Kirkpatrick, an American Counseling Association member and owner of the counseling practice Calm Pittsburgh.

This is unexplored territory for most clients, she points out, especially for couples, many of whom have never spoken out loud to each other about their use of or views on pornography. It is a complicated topic that can involve feelings of shame, hurt or embarrassment, and individuals often don’t know how to begin to talk about it.

“The important thing is [for counselors] to prompt that dialogue,” notes Robert Zeglin, a licensed mental health counselor and CST in Florida who is the founding editor of the Journal of Counseling Sexology & Sexual Wellness. “[A client] may think their partner is watching porn for one reason, but they may be wrong, entirely wrong — and they need to talk that through. … It’s a very powerful thing when people are openly allowed to talk through these things: Why am I so opposed to porn? Or why am I drawn to it? It’s really powerful to facilitate and be a part of that [exploration].”

Unrealistic expectations and assumptions

Kirkpatrick says pornography can shape a person’s sexuality much like romantic comedies do. Both set people up with unrealistic expectations concerning sex, attraction and romance, she explains.

“If [the film] Pretty Woman was your first view of romance, then that’s what you see as romance,” Kirkpatrick says. “It’s the same for porn or 50 Shades of Grey. If that’s what you see first, it’s an expectation. Both scenarios create delusions of grandeur that set you up for failure.”

“Just as with romantic comedies, we know they’re actors, but [pornography] can still lead to unrealistic expectations,” she notes. 

Pornography use can have negative effects on clients’ sexual wellness when it is used as a substitute for or an addition to sex education during a client’s formative years or when it is consumed without the intentional mindset that pornography is fictitious, with actors who are performing in scenes and stories that are created, curated and edited by a full crew of professionals.

Zeglin, an associate professor and program director for clinical mental health counseling at the University of North Florida in Jacksonville, refers to this tendency to view pornography as factual or real as “bad porn literacy.” Clients who have this mindset can struggle with body image issues and negative thought patterns as they compare their bodies to the above average (and often augmented) bodies they see portrayed in pornography, he explains.

“Body shame is a common theme when talking about pornography [with clients],” Zeglin says. “Just as not everyone looks like the cast of [the TV drama] Grey’s Anatomy, we need to emphasize that [pornography] is entertainment. There are so many bad expectations that can leak into sex and body expectation.”

Similarly, clients can harbor unrealistic expectations about what sex is or should be, Kirkpatrick adds. This can especially be true for people who started viewing pornography at a young age. Young adults may expect their partners to do certain things and respond in the same way that they’ve witnessed on screen, she notes.

Aydrelle Collins, an LPC who specializes in Black sexuality at her Dallas practice, Melanin Sex Therapy, says that pornography is where many of her clients first learned about sex or saw other people be sexual. In addition to body image issues, this can lead to a narrow or incomplete understanding of sexuality, she says.

In pornography, “the focus is on the orgasm, and if there’s not one [in real life], it can lead to disappointment,” Collins says. “That robs people of being in the moment of sex, the full experience, and can lead to the assumption that they have to have performance-type sex.”

Pornography use can also lead to misconceptions about what a partner may want in sexual situations. For example, a pizza delivery person in a pornography scene may knock on the door ready and willing to have sex with the resident, but is that realistic or accurate? Of course not, Kirkpatrick says. Counselors can help clients talk through and clear up any assumptions they’ve internalized that may be leading to frustrations or challenges in their relationships or sexual wellness.

Zeglin, an ACA member, also emphasizes that counselors can offer psychoeducation for clients who harbor unhealthy expectations or assumptions gleaned from pornography. One important message, he says, is the reality that sex is often just OK, with some really great and really disappointing experiences thrown into the mix.

Clients’ lives and relationships can also be negatively affected by pornography when it is used compulsively. If a counselor hears a client talk about their pornography usage with language that might indicate a dependence or addiction — including viewing it at inappropriate times, such as when they’re at work or school — further assessment or specialized treatment may be needed. (For more on the nuances of helping clients who use pornography compulsively, see the articles “Six steps for addressing behavioral addictions in clinical work” and “Addicted to sex?”)

Broaching and breaking unhealthy cycles 

Laura Morse, an LPC and CST in private practice in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, says her clients bring up the topic of pornography almost daily, most frequently through questions related to the theme of “Am I normal?” Clients often wonder if what they are watching and the amount of time they spend watching is “OK” or “normal”; others question whether they should be watching it at all, Morse says.

“As clinicians, we work with clients who may be struggling with unpacking the messages they receive about sex — messages which can have negative impacts on their own sexuality and their relationships,” says Morse, an ACA member and Gottman-trained couples therapist. “It’s essential that we use evidence-based tools to evaluate what role pornography serves in our clients’ lives and assess what concerns they may have about their usage. Is it impacting time away from work? [Causing them to] spend too much money? [Resulting in] loss of interest in sexual desire with their partner? All of these assessment questions help inform treatment planning.”

Morse and Collins both recommend the PLISSIT model (developed by Jack Annon in the 1970s) for prompting discussions to assess clients’ thoughts on and relationship with pornography. The model’s acronym represents its four intervention levels: permission, limited information, specific suggestions and intensive therapy. Breaking discussion into these ascending levels helps practitioners decide whether they need to continue or intensify conversations with a client and match the individual(s) with an intervention that meets their level of need. 

The model’s first level can help broach sexuality-related subjects in an open way, as the practitioner invites and gives the client(s) permission to talk about and explore issues they might have previously considered taboo, including pornography, Morse says.

Feelings of shame regarding pornography use — either self-described in individual clients or shaming language used toward a partner in couples counseling — can also indicate that a counselor needs to facilitate discussion about the topic, Zeglin says. This can include the need to unpack the assumption that because one partner views pornography, it means they don’t find their partner attractive anymore, he notes. When left unprocessed, these emotions can lead to an unhealthy cycle.

“Because of that shame, they start to hide the porn use, [and] secret-keeping and hiding things is never good for relationships,” Zeglin says. “It creates a cycle, and it’s a pretty common manifestation within couples [where one or both partners] have an overall values system that porn is taboo.”

In addition to feelings of blame, shame and embarrassment, Collins says that pornography use can lead to a disconnect between couples. This is especially so for couples who have never talked about the subject together.

“It can create a disconnect in the relationship, in multiple layers. It’s not just the porn, but everything surrounding it and the shame that can come up,” says Collins, who is fully trained but not yet certified as a CST. “It can show up as resentment, lack of sex and connection, or arguments. It can be a spiral where one person is caught watching porn and they’re not having [frequent] sex already, and then that person is shamed [by their partner]. It causes them to retreat and furthers the lack of intimacy.”

Hurt feelings surrounding pornography use are often magnified when a couple isn’t having sex regularly or as frequently as one or both partners would like, Collins adds. Blame can become intensified if one partner feels the other is choosing pornography over sex within their relationship.

In these cases, a counselor can help clients talk through not only their feelings regarding pornography but also the many complicated layers that can accompany those feelings. This can include trust issues, Collins notes.

“You don’t trust [your partner] if you feel like you’ve been misled or lied to or shamed or ridiculed for something that you feel is normal and natural and everyone does it. Once that trust gets broken, there comes a disconnect,” Collins says. “We all bring our own messages that we’ve received about sex and sexuality into relationships, and that’s the biggest underlying thing. Sex brings up a lot of feelings of uncomfortableness if you haven’t had a chance to explore your own feelings about sexuality. … We all have attitudes and biases, including around porn. We all have different feelings about what’s healthy and not healthy, whether it’s OK to watch, and how much is OK to watch.”

Collins has worked with couples who have differing views on the consumption of pornography and admits that it can be a sensitive subject to broach. She emphasizes that practitioners should validate each partner’s views about pornography and focus on repairing the disconnect between partners by helping them process their underlying emotions.

To foster discussion in sessions, Collins often creates a “sexual health plan” with couples to outline what they’d like their sex life to look like together and the role that pornography will or will not play in it.

“In cases like these, I explore clients’ views on porn watching and what that means for their relationship,” Collins says. “These conversations can be difficult to facilitate, and working with this dynamic [when partners have differing views on pornography] can be a tender topic for couples. My advice to counselors working with couples is [to] focus on the underlying emotional hurt that is there. What are their goals for their relationship? The best thing a counselor can do to facilitate these discussions is to check their own views and bias around porn in order not to take sides.”

Unpacking the complicated layers that can surround clients’ pornography use may also include talking or asking about physical problems that are affecting clients’ sex lives and debunking misunderstandings or assumptions they may have regarding their or their partner’s sexual challenges.

Collins emphasizes there is no confirmed connection between the consumption of pornography and physical problems such as delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. However, client assumptions regarding this topic can lead to an unhealthy cycle, she notes.

“Many people have the misconception that masturbating or watching too much pornography can desensitize people and cause them to not be able to perform or get an erection for sex,” Collins explains. “And those assumptions can exacerbate the problem if you have those [physical] problems already.”

The counselor’s role 

Kirkpatrick notes that when working with couples who are processing their feelings regarding pornography and its effects on their relationship, a helpful first step is to invite both partners to describe what they feel pornography is. Each person will have a different definition, and couples will benefit from understanding each other’s boundaries, she says. Is it acceptable to look at Playboy magazine? Browse the website Pornhub? Watch the TV show Game of Thrones? Visit interactive mediums where the user communicates with another person (such as virtual reality or video chat)?

“Help the partners define what their beliefs are [regarding] pornography use — good or bad — and what feelings they are having presently related to [their] pornography use. The key is finding the partners’ definition of their feelings and validating those feelings,” Kirkpatrick explains. “Then [counselors] can help them work on where their views come from and if they are being kind to themselves. Do they feel betrayed? Confused? Left out? Jealous? Once we can identify what that feeling is, then we can address it.”

Kirkpatrick also suggests that counselors include a range of questions about client sexuality, including pornography use and masturbation habits, during intake. This information will provide the practitioner with more context, and it lets the client know that the counselor is interested in and open to discussing these often-taboo subjects.

The counselors interviewed for this article agree that when unpacking the topic of pornography (both with individual clients and couples), a practitioner’s role is to serve as a neutral facilitator, prompting clients to explore the values, emotions and thoughts they hold regarding its use. With couples, this includes making equal time for each partner to explain their likes, dislikes and range of feelings.

Counselors should remain neutral — “without putting their thumb on either side of the scale” — while facilitating these conversations, Zeglin stresses. This mediator role includes the exploration of differences between couples and the differences that individuals hold within themselves on the topic.

“Have frank conversations about [the client’s] comfort levels and interest, [saying,] ‘Tell me a little bit about your values about sexual stimuli and porn. Is there anything that would get in the way of enjoying that?’ It’s the same as [addressing] anything that would put them outside of their comfort zone,” Zeglin says. “We need to give time and space to all voices, all the complex and dynamic parts of the people in the room.”

If pornography has led to conflict, feelings of betrayal or other hurtful emotions between partners, it may be appropriate to have them agree to temporarily pause their pornography consumption while they unpack their feelings and thoughts during this phase of therapy, Kirkpatrick says.

Because pornography consumption is an intense subject, clients may feel more comfortable talking about it if the counselor offers to look in another direction or turn their camera off in sessions held via telebehavioral health, she adds.

Inviting clients to frame their conversations about pornography through the lens of “this is what I’m into” empowers clients and allows them to present their thoughts in an open, positive way, Kirkpatrick says. In couples counseling, this approach can also spark questions, further dialogue between partners and, in some cases, reveal that the couple shares similar interests.

Kirkpatrick advises counselors to create an open and safe place for clients to talk about pornography use because it helps take away the power of shame that often accompanies the topic. She sometimes uses a “yes, no, maybe” chart that lists a variety of sexual interests, including different types of intercourse, use of vibrators, pornography and other preferences, to encourage open discussion between couples. Each partner fills out their own chart, selecting “yes,” “no” or “maybe” for each item. Afterward, couples have an avenue to talk about things honestly with each other (both inside and outside of counseling sessions). This tool can also help with overcoming shyness, Kirkpatrick says, and reveal sexual interests that both partners share, including ones they may not have known about or considered previously.

Kirkpatrick also sometimes suggests that clients use the app MojoUpgrade, which has a similar quiz to help couples explore and spark discussion about sexual interests and desires. The app shows only items for which both partners have responded “yes,” which can also help with overcoming shyness, Kirkpatrick says. 

In couples counseling, the clinician should ensure that conversations about pornography remain respectful and refrain from assigning blame or shame toward either partner, Collins says. Society often views pornography in black-and-white terms of either all good or all bad, but it’s more complex than that. A counselor can help clients understand that it’s natural to have multifaceted feelings on the topic.

“The truth is you can put up boundaries for what you want, but you need to get there without shaming your partner,” Collins says. “Have clients really flesh out what their narrative is around sex. If they feel like porn is not the best thing for their partner to watch, explore why that is without shaming their partner. [Prompt] conversation about what they are getting out of watching porn: Is it fantasy or being curious, etc.? Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings about what is healthy and boundaries on what they want out of sexuality.”

Collins notes that using a narrative focus can be helpful in this realm. Prompting clients to explore their sexual narrative frames the conversation in an empowering way and allows them to talk through and reject stereotypes and internalized messages that they no longer feel are helpful or accurate, Collins says.

An important aspect of this work includes asking clients questions about their sexual history. Collins does a sexual genogram with clients to find out where they first learned about sex, who they have discussed sexual issues with and other details. Asking questions about when and how they began to view pornography can also give the counselor and client(s) more context on factors that influence how they feel about and interact with pornography currently.

“I go line by line, unpacking everything they’ve ever taken in about sex, and assess how that impacts how they view sex now and how they view themselves as a sexual being,” Collins says. “[This allows them to] leave the things that no longer suit them and find the things that help them define their sexuality. … Our role as therapists is to help clients [find] their own narrative — not what they’ve been told or our narrative, but what works for them.”

Allowing clients to “be present and accept that they are sexual creatures” leads to empowerment and stronger confidence and decision-making, she adds.

Back to basics 

Zeglin advises practitioners who are helping clients process their feelings and thoughts on pornography to “take the sex out of it.” Instead, counselors should draw upon the same toolbox of methods they would use to help a client who is wrestling with a nonsexual dilemma.

“Anything that distracts from the relationship can impact it negatively; it’s not the porn per se,” Zeglin says. “It’s just like anything — it’s really the use of it and not the thing itself that can cause problems.”

In fact, research has shown that the level of dopamine released by the brain when a person watches pornography is the same as when a person does other things they enjoy or find pleasurable, he adds.

pio3/Shutterstock.com

Zeglin finds that Gestalt theory is a helpful lens to use as he prompts clients to explore and “give voice” to the parts of themselves that are in competition. For example, perhaps a client is conflicted because they want their partner to be happy, but they also feel that their partner must think they are ugly because their partner chooses to watch pornography. Or maybe a client is drawn to pornography because it entertains them or brings them pleasure, but they also feel guilt and shame for watching it. 

“If you take the sex out of it, it becomes a counseling 101 values conflict,” Zeglin says.

Perhaps a counselor is working with a couple experiencing a common scenario: One person is watching pornography and is compelled to hide it, and the other partner finds out and is hurt. By taking the sex out of it, Zeglin says, counselors can flip this conversation and ask, what if the person had set a goal to lose weight and the partner found them sneaking Oreo cookies? In both scenarios, the practitioner and clients would need to explore the couple’s lack of communication, the sense of broken trust, and other thoughts and feelings related to the behavior, he explains.

“Don’t make the problem the porn. Focus on the relationship. Sex is so moralized that we get distracted by that sometimes,” says Zeglin, a co-founder and past president of the Association of Counseling Sexology and Sexual Wellness, an organizational affiliate of ACA. “Counselors already have the tools to address it, but it just feels different because sex is involved.”

When it’s a good thing

Adult couples who have talked through their feelings and preferences and are accepting of pornography may find that viewing certain things together can enhance their sexual relationship. The counselors interviewed for this article noted that some clients (consenting adults) on their caseloads have benefited from incorporating pornography into their sex lives as a way to explore new things together. This can happen organically, such as when couples come up with the idea on their own, or when a counselor suggests it (when appropriate) as a bonding exercise for a couple outside of session.

“First, you have to make sure it’s accepted by the couple and culturally appropriate,” says Kirkpatrick, who co-presented a session, “Sex Positivity: Increasing Competencies in Addressing Sexuality Issues in Counseling” at the 2021 ACA Virtual Conference Experience. “There are body-positive sites, or sites with [instructional-style videos on] things to try. It’s using it as a tool, not a replacement. It should be something to enhance your sex life, not replace your sex life.”

Kirkpatrick has a list of sex-positive websites she offers to clients who express an interest in watching pornography together. It can be a means to grow together and learn what each partner does and does not like, she says. It can also be a way for couples who have a low sex drive or sexual desire to begin thinking about sex before becoming intimate together. Depending on a couple’s interests and comfort level, Kirkpatrick’s sex-positive recommendations can include pornography that involves writing (such as erotic fiction), photographs or images, or videos.

Collins agrees that pornography can be a helpful tool for some clients. Couples who have trouble with physical issues, such as erectile dysfunction, can use it to find and explore other avenues of sexuality that may work better for them, she notes.

“A lot of people figure out what turns them on by watching porn,” Collins says. “It can be a way to educate, watch together and … explore fantasy, broaden your sexuality or get out of a rut. It can give people options, room to explore, and open up dialogue and conversation around sex.”

It can also be a way for couples to bond and even laugh, Zeglin adds. “Couples need to explore both mentally and physically, and things change over the life span. Desires change, bodies change as we age. Just like anything, porn can serve as an opportunity to see what strikes your fancy,” he says. “Or you can giggle together about how unrealistic it is [and] how bad the dialogue is.”

Counselor competency

Professional counselors must always assume a nonjudgmental lens when working with clients, especially ones who are wrestling with thoughts and feelings about the complex and sometimes uncomfortable topic of pornography. The professionals interviewed for this article agree that counselors have a responsibility not only to leave their personal feelings out of the equation but also to seek training, continuing education or consultation when they don’t understand or know how to best treat a client’s questions or conflicts regarding pornography.

“We [counselors] are licensed as health providers, and we have to remember that what is and isn’t healthy is different than what is or isn’t personally important to us,” Zeglin says.

Collins agrees, noting that the last thing she wants to do is add another voice to a client’s understanding of a topic that is already heavily influenced by cultural, societal and other factors.

“I want them to find their own voice,” Collins says. “We [counselors] need to be checking our own biases and our own narratives around sex so that we are not imposing what we feel about sex and porn [on clients]. When our stuff comes into a session, it takes away from the work that we are doing with the client. Sometimes, with sex, [practitioners] tend to forget that.”

Practitioners also shouldn’t make assumptions about clients’ views on pornography. For example, clients who come from conservative religious or cultural backgrounds may not automatically be opposed to pornography use, whereas clients who come from more liberal backgrounds won’t necessarily embrace it, Kirkpatrick points out. In addition, clients will have a range of feelings about pornography that won’t necessarily fall into binary categories of “pro-pornography” or “anti-pornography,” she says.

Kirkpatrick urges counselors not to feel that they should refer a client whenever sexual wellness issues arise in counseling work. Instead, she encourages counselors to seek training, supervision or consultation with a local sex therapist. Counselors and CSTs can also co-treat clients, when appropriate, she notes. (Find a local CST and continuing education offerings at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website, aasect.org.)

Counselors who find they are interested in facilitating dialogues about pornography should consider seeking certification as a sex therapist, she adds.

“Don’t automatically refer. We need more people to be able to talk about this comfortably,” Kirkpatrick stresses. “Also, ask the client. I learn more from my clients than anyone else. … They are the experts in their sexuality because it’s so complicated. They are the experts on themselves.”

 

****

 

Pornography use during the COVID-19 pandemic

As the COVID-19 pandemic began to stretch across the globe, causing millions of people to stay home, many individuals and organizations predicted or assumed that the isolation, loneliness and boredom would result in an increase in pornography consumption. 

In spring 2020, Pornhub announced that the online platform’s “premium” content would temporarily be free to users who were on lockdown because of COVID-19. As a result, the company reported a 38%-61% increase in web traffic from regions that had lockdowns and restrictive stay-at-home orders. This usage was above and beyond the more than 1 million daily unique web visits that Pornhub reported in 2019.

However, a study published recently in the Archives of Sexual Behavior polled more than 2,000 men and women in February, May, August and October 2020 and found that pornography consumption among American adults decreased overall in 2020.

In May, immediately following the United States’ first wave of pandemic-related restrictions, there was a small increase in the number of people who said they had viewed pornography in the past month, but less so than in the baseline data, which indicated that 38% of participants — 59% of men and 21% of women — reported using pornography at least once per month.

“Among those who reported use in May 2020, only 14% reported increases in use since the start of the pandemic, and their use returned to levels similar to all other users by August 2020,” wrote the study’s co-authors. “In general, pornography use trended downward over the pandemic, for both men and women. Problematic [compulsive or uncontrolled] pornography use trended downward for men and remained low and unchanged in women. Collectively, these results suggest that many fears about pornography use during pandemic-related lockdowns were largely not supported by available data.”

 

****

Bethany Bray is a senior writer and social media coordinator for Counseling Today. Contact her at bbray@counseling.org.

****

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Money on the mind

By Laurie Meyers April 7, 2021

Money is the dirty little secret of American society. The unspoken social contract is that, like Voldemort, it shall not be named. We may joke about winning the lottery, but we don’t reveal the strained financial circumstances that underlie that pipe dream. Modern life is not cheap. Unfortunately, many workplaces and professions do not reflect this reality. Could we be making more money? Who knows? Many companies forbid their employees to discuss salaries with co-workers.

Meanwhile, our consumerist culture makes it easy for money to fly out of our wallets and onto our credit cards. Financial experts (some of whom sound a bit like scolds) urge us to maximize our contributions to our retirement plans and have savings sufficient to sustain us for six months or more of unemployment. These are worthy goals, but most Americans find them challenging to achieve.

A 2019 survey by the personal finance company Bankrate found that approximately 28% of Americans had no emergency savings and only 18% had enough to live on for six months. And a 2019 report by the U.S. Federal Reserve revealed that 25% of nonretired workers possessed no retirement savings at all. Surveys show that a large share of Americans — including those who earn higher salaries — live paycheck to paycheck. Many people get by with the help of a credit card — or three or four. A recent poll by CreditCards.com showed that almost half of Americans (47%) currently carry credit card debt. And even though being in hock to credit card companies is so common, carrying that kind of debt is still associated with a lack of financial responsibility. 

Just set a budget! Track your spending! Stop buying that daily Starbucks latte!

It’s not the latte. And the one-size-fits-all financial advice on offer by cable talking heads and in best-selling books doesn’t typically work. Not just because people’s financial obligations are different, but because managing money isn’t only about the numbers. The way we spend — and save — is tightly entwined with emotion and driven by learned behaviors and beliefs whose existence we are frequently unaware of, according to experts who study neuroeconomics. These factors can prevent us from effectively managing our money.

The mental health consequences of financial difficulties can be significant. Even before the recession caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, Americans frequently rated financial worries as one of their top sources of stress. This past October, the fourth in a special pandemic-oriented series of “Stress in America” surveys from the American Psychological Association revealed that nearly 2 in 3 adults (64%) said money was a significant source of stress in their lives.

Financial difficulties can cause stress and depression. Stress and depression make it harder to tackle money problems. It becomes a vicious cycle — particularly for those who are already living with mental health problems.

Enter financial therapy, which the Financial Therapy Association (FTA) defines as “a process informed by both therapeutic and financial competencies that helps people think, feel, communicate and behave differently with money to improve overall well-being through evidence-based practice and interventions.”

Financial therapists primarily come from the mental health, coaching and financial fields. Some of them are mental health professionals who realized that money plays an important role in overall well-being and decided to become trained to offer financial therapy in addition to their regular practice. Others are financial professionals who realized that they needed to be able to handle the emotional aspects of money and received additional behavioral training or, in some cases, became licensed mental health practitioners.

All of the sources Counseling Today spoke to for this article are licensed counselors who offer financial therapy to existing clients who express interest or as a stand-alone service. They use a variety of tools to help clients understand their internal money narratives, identify behavioral patterns, and process the emotions that are getting in the way of setting and working toward their financial goals.

The field developed out of a body of research on neuroeconomics. Psychologists Ted Klontz and Brad Klontz and financial planner Rick Kahler are widely considered the “grandfathers” of financial therapy.

Early lessons learned

Research by Klontz, Kahler and Klontz suggests that people begin developing money beliefs — and potential future problems — in childhood. These attitudes are often developed through experience and observation rather than parental instruction.

That’s because many families don’t talk about money, notes American Counseling Association member Elaine Korngold, a licensed professional counselor in Portland, Oregon. Children grow up in families not knowing how much money their parents make, how much (or how little) different jobs pay, and what level of income is necessary to cover basics such as rent/mortgage, utilities and food — let alone how to set up and follow a budget, she says.

Although parents usually talk about and teach their children essential life skills such as driving, anything to do with money is often kept secret, says Korngold, who worked in the financial sector before she became a counselor. This not only leaves children uninformed and unprepared but also reinforces the societal perception of money as a taboo topic. As a result, many adults who struggle to manage their finances simply don’t know how to seek help or are too ashamed to ask for it, she says.

But even when parents don’t explicitly teach their children about money, they are still imparting lessons, says Kathy Haines, an LPC in Marietta, Georgia, who is training to become a certified financial therapist through FTA.

An integral part of Haines’ financial therapy process is exploring the financial beliefs held by a client’s family of origin. Haines, an ACA member, asks questions regarding whether money was ever discussed, who managed finances in the family and how. “Were there fights about money?” Haines asks. “Spoken or unspoken messages such as don’t have credit debt? Work hard so that you can take care of yourself?”

Similarly, Korngold asks clients about the spending behaviors they observed growing up. Did it seem like the family was always just making it until payday, or was there any financial cushion? If the family found itself with more money than usual, what did they do with it? Put it in the bank? Take a vacation? Buy a TV?

Jennifer Dunkle, an LPC in Fort Collins, Colorado, whose specialties include financial therapy, asks her clients to write their “money story” by answering a variety of questions: What are your earliest memories concerning money? What did you learn from your family about money? Specifically, what did you learn from your father? From your mother? What experiences did you have with money as a young adult?

These messages and experiences contribute to what Klontz, Kahler and Klontz call “money scripts” — unconscious beliefs that shape our financial behavior.

Money narratives

Dunkle, like many financial therapists, also gives clients the Klontz Money Script Inventory (KMSI) assessment.

“Most adult money scripts are based on earlier life experiences,” she says. “In order to make lasting changes to budgeting, spending, savings and investing plans, it is very helpful to learn more about our underlying beliefs and values in regard to money.”

The most common money scripts include beliefs such as:

  • More money will make things better.
  • Money is bad.
  • I don’t deserve money.
  • I deserve to spend money.
  • There will never be enough money.
  • There will always be enough money.
  • Money is unimportant.
  • Money will give my life meaning.
  • It’s not nice or necessary to talk about money.
  • If you are good, the universe will supply all your needs.

Dunkle explains that Klontz, Kahler and Klontz group money scripts into the following types:

  • Money avoidance: Avoiding dealing with money and rejecting personal responsibility for one’s financial health.
  • Money worship: Believing that a financial windfall or increased income will be the solution to all of one’s problems; being focused on the inward value of the accumulation of money.
  • Money status: Being overly concerned with the idea that self-worth equals net worth; believing that money conveys status; wanting to always have the next new, big-ticket item; and being interested in the outward display of one’s wealth to others.
  • Money vigilance: Being watchful, alert and concerned about one’s finances. Those who are money vigilant are much less likely to avoid their financial matters, overspend, gamble and engage in financial enabling.

Klontz, Kahler and Klontz say that the scripts themselves are not “good” or “bad.” Rather, they are simply indicators of behavioral influences.

“For example, someone who has the belief that ‘I deserve to spend money’ might run up a lot of credit card debt despite not being able to actually afford their purchases,” Dunkle explains. “The script, ‘It is not nice or necessary to talk about money’ could lead to money secrets between spouses. Believing that ‘If you are good, the universe will supply all of your needs” may result in not doing adequate planning and saving for retirement.’”

Working toward change

Dunkle uses motivational interviewing to help clients recognize the adverse effects their financial habits are having on their lives.

“The goal of motivational interviewing in financial therapy is to elicit ‘change talk’ by using the skills of open-ended questions, affirming, reflective listening and summarizing,” she explains. “When clients hear themselves talk about potential changes, they start to believe that change is indeed possible. For example: ‘Getting my finances under control would help me sleep so much better at night.’”

To facilitate the process, Dunkle might ask someone who is money avoidant an open-ended question such as, “What is that like for you, seeing those unopened credit card statements pile up on your desk?”

For someone whose script is money worship, she might make an affirming observation such as, “It sounds as though working 70 hours a week in order to earn more income is really starting to get to you. It’s no wonder that you feel worn out.”

With a money status case, Dunkle says she could listen and reflect back by stating, “What I hear you saying is that you believe that your value in the family comes from showing your relatives how much you earn and how much you own, not from who you are as a person.”

For a client whose script is money vigilance, she might observe and summarize with a statement such as, “Wow, it sounds as though you feel exhausted, thinking that you need to check your accounts every night before you can relax and go to sleep.”

Haines also uses the KMSI as one of her tools for uncovering the narratives that drive clients’ financial behaviors. She breaks down narratives into thoughts about skills or situations and core beliefs about worth.

“Step one for both is to become aware of those narratives,” Haines says. “This can be difficult because they run so quickly in the background that we often don’t even know they are informing our behavior. Slowing down and becoming curious about our own thoughts and beliefs can be difficult, but [it] is a necessary first step.”

Haines asks clients to write down their thoughts — which she reminds them are not facts. When reviewing their collection of thoughts and beliefs with them, she asks clients to consider the following questions:

  • “What leads me to believe this is true? Is it from my own personal experience or maybe from some other influential person in my life who has told me this?”
  • “Is it always true? Is there evidence to the contrary?”
  • “If I can’t see evidence of it being true, can I hold the possibility that it’s not true?”
  • “If there is evidence of it not being true, how are those instances different, and how can I intentionally bring more of that?”

For example, many clients believe that they will never be able to manage money, Haines says. “I would ask, ‘What leads you to believe this is true? Are there instances where you have made good financial decisions that align with your values and what you want? What was different about those times? What prevents you from doing more of that? Are there skills that you need to learn? Do you need to ask for help? Is there fear involved?’”

“Once we go deep into the genesis and meaning of the narrative, it can go in any direction,” Haines says.

When a client’s narrative is about worthiness or “deserving” something (such as money or a higher paying job), Haines uses a similar, but less structured, process. “I usually ask those clients to slow down, take a few breaths, close their eyes and ask internally, ‘Whose voice is this?’ Is it yours, or is it someone else’s?” Haines notes that it is almost always someone else’s voice, such as a parent or caregiver or another figure who holds meaning for the client into adulthood.

“We then will unpack whatever comes up,” she says. “I might suggest that those who gave [the client] the message of unworthiness around something — either directly or indirectly — were struggling with their own sense of self and meaning in the world and [it] has absolutely nothing to do with my client.”

“I often will use the visual of newborns in a hospital nursery,” Haines continues. “Are some of those newborns born worthy and others unworthy? This helps them to see that feeling unworthy of something is just an internal narrative, not an absolute truth. I might ask, ‘What will it take for you to feel worthy? How will you know when you are worthy? Think of someone you care deeply about. Now decide when and what they are worthy of.’ That usually feels really uncomfortable for them [the client]. Then I reflect back that’s exactly what they are doing to themselves.”

Haines adds another common belief about money and success is that people who are rich are greedy and achieved that higher position because they didn’t care what they had to do to get there. “In essence, not having integrity,” she continues. “I have seen this a lot. An individual feels strongly about honesty, integrity and not being greedy. They want to succeed, but the people in the positions they want don’t seem to personify integrity. So, the position is out of alignment with their values, and their behavior will not support moving up. We then work on how they can create their own visual of how to be in that position from a place that aligns with their own values.”

Where does the money go?

Overspending is a problem that financial therapists see frequently. Clients show up at Haines’ office wondering why they are always in debt despite making an adequate salary. She helps clients identify what kinds of things they are purchasing and why.

“I’ve had clients who wanted to participate in getting together with friends, perhaps for dinner and drinks, concerts, plays, etc.,” Haines says. “They couldn’t really afford to do these things, but as humans, our need for belonging is so strong that we will do almost anything to fit in. I try to help my clients identify what they get out of these activities. It may be good conversation, advice, laughing together, intellectual stimulation or just not feeling lonely. We then brainstorm other ways to get these needs met, but without having to spend money they don’t have.”

“For instance,” she continues, “instead of expensive dinners, they could meet for coffee and have the same connection and conversation without the cost. If it’s intellectual conversation, maybe starting a book club. One idea that came up was to meet at a park and bring a lunch. The atmosphere is better than a restaurant, and it doesn’t cost anything.”

A possible downside is if the clients’ friends don’t want to make those changes. Then comes the difficult decision of whether the client will commit to living within their means and risk losing the relationship(s) or continue to overspend and remain in the safety of the relationship. This adds another layer of exploration about whether those relationships are, in fact, healthy and reciprocal, Haines says, but the overarching theme remains identifying what those dinners or other expensive activities are providing to clients and how some of those needs might be met in other ways.

“I will add that knowing and having a visual of the ‘why’ [the necessity] of changing financial behavior is always present,” Haines says. “Coming back to that assists with getting over the hurdles of change.”

“Keeping up with the Joneses” is another common spending impetus. Society encourages competition, such as having a nice car just because “everyone else” drives a nice car. But Haines asks clients if that really fits their core values.

“If you value a nice car and if you have one, that’s great, but if you buy a nice car because everyone in the neighborhood has a nice car, that’s going to create turmoil,” she says. For Haines, financial therapy is all about helping clients achieve what they want, not what other people think they should want.

ACA member Edward Kizer, an LPC whose specialties include financial therapy, says many of his clients are aware that they are engaging in compulsive shopping as a method of self-soothing or self-care. He teaches them simple techniques such as belly breathing to reduce their anxiety and also asks clients to think about what shopping gives them.

“If I’m expressing a need through retail therapy, what is that, and how can I feed that?” he asks. “What feeds you? Is it being creative? Is it the outdoors? How do [you] get back to nurturing yourself?”

Impulsivity is a significant driving factor in compulsive spending, says licensed professional clinical counselor Denise Kautzer, who is also a certified public accountant and specializes in financial therapy. She has clients track their spending and encourages them to follow the “24-hour rule,” which involves waiting for 24 hours after seeing something that they want to buy. In the end, they may still end up purchasing the item after giving it more consideration, but adopting this approach cuts down on impulse buys, she says. In addition, because spending often makes people feel good, at least temporarily, Kautzer helps clients identify other things that bring them joy.

Seeing the whole picture

Clients can’t manage their money if they don’t know where it’s going — or where it’s needed. Part of the financial therapy process is identifying expenses and assets: money in and money out.

Brian Farr, an LPC in Portland, Oregon, whose specialties include financial therapy, introduces what he calls a “snapshot” in the first session. “It’s a simple expenses and income and debt worksheet, not a budget or spending plan. Just a snapshot of what a typical month looks like,” he says. “It’s to help introduce them to the reality of their household finances.” Farr’s clients tell him this exercise helps give them clarity and motivation.

Like the other financial therapists Counseling Today spoke to for this article, Farr does not see himself or offer himself to clients as a financial planner. Instead, he helps clients understand their finances and develop a system to help them meet their goals.

“The freedom around money is coming up with some method that makes it visible,” Farr says. Once clients have that picture, he helps them be realistic about what they can and cannot do. That involves identifying how much money comes in and then giving each dollar a “job.”

He finds the youneedabudget.com website useful because it offers helpful videos and allows people to categorize not just their everyday expenses, but also infrequent but large expenses such as holiday gifts, a pet’s yearly checkup at the vet or car maintenance. Clients can then look at the money coming in and evaluate where it needs to go.

“If 60% already has a job to do, stop thinking that it’s yours to do with what you want,” Farr tells clients. He advises them that when they know how much of their money is discretionary, then they can make more realistic choices.

Asking clients about financial health

Many counselors don’t like asking about money. In fact, several of the professionals interviewed for this article noted that counselors often fall under the “avoidant” category when it comes to money scripts. But financial therapists say that it’s essential for counselors to be aware of money stress.

“We all have money stress,” Haines says. “I don’t know a person who doesn’t have money stress at some point in their lives. … It affects everybody.”

Counselors need not create an elaborate process to uncover a client’s money worries, Haines says. “It could be as simple as putting a question on your intake form such as: Are there financial concerns that are impacting you?”

Haines also urges counselors to listen for nuggets of information, such as clients mentioning that they hate opening their mailbox because it’s always full of bills. “You can just ask the question, ‘What impact does that have on you?’” she says. Money troubles are something that most people don’t talk about, even with their friends, so counselors can serve as that trusted person clients share those fears with, Haines emphasizes.

Haines and Kautzer both say that one of the most critical parts of their work as financial therapists is giving people hope.

 

****

Laurie Meyers is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

****

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Pushing through the vape cloud

By Lindsey Phillips November 26, 2019

Four years ago, Hannah Rose, a licensed clinical professional counselor in private practice in Baltimore, started vaping as a way to quit traditional cigarettes, but she ultimately found that it was even more difficult to stop vaping. “I was vaping at work, round-the-clock, in between clients,” Rose recalls.

One day after leaving a yoga class, she instantly reached for her vape. In that moment, she felt conflicted because her nicotine addiction did not line up with her values of being mentally and physically healthy. This values conflict made her want to quit, but the thought of doing so gave her anxiety.

Part of Rose’s anxiety stemmed from the fact that nicotine, which is in most vape juices, can be highly addictive. One pod (about 200 puffs) of the electronic-cigarette brand Juul contains 20 cigarettes’ worth of nicotine. Gail Lalk, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor in private practice at Young Adult Therapy in Morristown, New Jersey, says she has seen teenagers who have gotten addicted after vaping one or two pods.

E-cigarettes often introduce nicotine to teenagers who were not previously smoking traditional cigarettes. This has been the case for the majority of Lalk’s younger clients. Lalk asserts that she hasn’t had a single client younger than 18 who started vaping because they were trying to quit cigarettes.

Recent statistics confirm the popularity of vaping among teenagers. According to the Food and Drug Administration, from 2017 to 2018, e-cigarette use grew by 78% among high school students (from 11.7% of students to 20.8% of students) and increased 48% among middle school students (from 3.3% to 4.9% of students). In December 2018, Surgeon General Jerome Adams issued an advisory about the dangers of e-cigarette use among teenagers and declared it an epidemic in the United States.

But why have e-cigarettes gained popularity so quickly? The big draw is the flavor, says Rose, who has experience working with clients battling addiction. Traditional cigarettes aren’t known for their good taste. The first time someone smokes a traditional cigarette, they usually start coughing and are left with a tobacco or menthol aftertaste.

Compare that experience with vaping: It doesn’t feel harsh when the user inhales, yet the user still gets a buzz of nicotine. And this experience comes in almost any taste imaginable — mango, mint, apple pie, cake, bourbon, coffee and so on. The options are so plentiful that some online vape shops organize the flavors by categories such as cream and custard, candy, sour and beverage. 

However, after a recent outbreak of lung injuries associated with vaping, e-cigarettes have been coming under increased scrutiny. The Trump administration has proposed a policy to ban flavored vaping liquids, and several states such as Michigan, New York and Massachusetts have already enacted similar bans. In October, Juul announced it was immediately suspending sales of its e-cigarette flavors.

Watch your language

Jennifer See, an LPC and a licensed chemical dependency counselor in private practice in San Antonio, advises counselors to be honest with their clients about the attraction of vaping. “These substances make these kids feel good, even if it’s just temporary. So, saying that they don’t is just not a good approach,” notes See, a member of the American Counseling Association.

Instead, counselors should acknowledge that vaping can be pleasurable and ask clients what they like about it, she says. At the same time, clients can be reassured that they have the ability to quit, even though it will be difficult, and that the counselor will be there with them every step of the way, she adds.

When referring to the issue of vaping during intake or in session, counselors need to be specific about the language they use, See says. Smoking is not “an umbrella [term for vaping] because people don’t really associate [vaping] with tobacco or nicotine,” she explains. “It’s almost its own category.”

On her intake form, See used to ask clients if they were using nonprescribed substances such as alcohol, tobacco or nicotine, or whether they smoked. However, she was finding that clients who vaped often responded no to these questions because they didn’t consider it to be the same as smoking. Now, See clearly asks if clients vape or Juul (the most popular brand of e-cigarettes).

This advice extends to the language counselors use on their websites and in how they advertise their clinical services. Rather than listing only general terms such as substance use or smoking, counselors should specifically list vaping if they are trained and feel comfortable working with the issue, See suggests.

Rose doesn’t believe that vaping should be the focus of counseling sessions, at least not initially. “Vaping is not the problem,” she explains. “It’s just a symptom of the problem. So, counselors [first] need to tap into that core-issue work.”

As Rose points out, even 12-step programs view substances as symptoms of a larger issue. “The 12 steps are not about not drinking [or smoking],” she says. “The only step that even mentions alcohol or nicotine is the first step. The other 11 steps are all about introspective work, practicing integrity, and looking at what patterns of behavior are no longer useful.” The success of this approach lies in looking for the underlying issue, not treating the substance as the problem, she says.

Parents often call See in a panic because they have caught their child vaping and want the child to stop. Parents — typically out of concern and fear — may try to punish or shame their children into quitting. See avoids any hint of shaming her young clients for their choices or even making assumptions about their readiness to quit whatever substances they are using “because I think that is a great way to alienate [the client],” she says.

Rather than launching into a discussion about vaping, See instead starts her sessions by getting to know the client. She will ask about school, home life and friends. She may ask, “What do you do in your free time? What activities are you involved in? Did you recently move? Do you have any pets?”

Often, these conversations reveal the role that vaping plays in clients’ lives, See says. For instance, a client may have started vaping because they just moved and wanted to fit in with a new group of friends, or because they are stressed out about applying to college.

See specializes in substance use and abuse and has expertise working with clients and their family members on issues around vaping. She has found that younger kids want to talk about vaping not only in social settings but also in counseling because they don’t consider it illicit and because they feel it is novel or cool to bring up the latest vape tricks and challenges. One popular challenge is for users to “hit a Juul” as many times as they can for 30 seconds. Another involves the “ghost inhale,” in which users inhale the vapor into their mouths, blow it out in the shape of a ball, and then quickly sip it back into their mouths.

Finding the underlying issue

Using motivational interviewing, See eventually asks clients if they want to quit vaping, if they are worried about their health if they continue vaping, and what their goals are for therapy. Part of the purpose of this questioning is to figure out the underlying reason that clients are vaping in the first place, See says. Is it because they are anxious or depressed? Is it simply because they want to appear cool?

To help clients pinpoint their underlying issue, See asks them to keep a journal to track their thoughts and behaviors connected to vaping. Often, as clients track when and where they vape — for example, when they’re alone in their room, when they’re with friends in their car, or when they’re bored — they also discover the real reasons they do it.

Clients keep track of their vaping habits for a few weeks or in between sessions, and then with See’s help, they look for patterns and clues that point to the underlying reason. This exercise also helps clients gain greater awareness of how much time and energy they devote to vaping, See notes. Often, people spend much more time vaping than they would smoking a cigarette, she adds. “Vaping is almost like chain smoking,” she explains. “That’s just another element that people don’t take into account.” See says some of her clients were vaping for two to three hours per day and didn’t realize it until they started tracking it in their journals.

As Rose notes, “Counseling can be helpful to look under the surface of the behavioral piece and bring a level of mindfulness to what is the thought or feeling that precedes [a client] picking up that vape.” She contends that this is not the time for counselors to use a solution-focused approach to try to quickly get clients to stop vaping.

“Smoking or vaping is a symptom, and the core problem is something internal,” Rose asserts. That’s why she believes counseling has so much to offer to people who want to quit vaping — because counseling goes beyond merely reducing the symptoms and helps to address the underlying issue. “A good competent counselor can really bring a deeper level of awareness to that core issue, [and] if that wound begins to heal, it prevents the problem from continuing,” Rose says.

A few years ago, Lalk, an ACA member who specializes in working with adolescents and young adults, had a teenager come to her because she had attempted suicide, was depressed, had past trauma, and was using lots of substances, including vaping. For the next two and a half years, Lalk worked with the client on her anxiety, depression, and maladaptive behaviors such as lying. After successfully addressing these underlying issues, the client announced on her own that she wanted to quit vaping and be substance free when she started college. In addition to continuing with counseling, the client used a nicotine patch and was able to slowly wean herself off of nicotine. Lalk says this was possible because the client started from a state of good mental health.

A mindfulness ‘patch’

See has had clients who, without thinking, pulled out their vaping devices in session. That showed how much of a habit it had become for them, she says.

Rose admits that she used to be on autopilot with vaping, and the first few days after she quit, she found herself instinctively reaching for her device. Because vaping can help release a person’s anxiety, making them feel better, it can quickly become a habit, Rose says. The challenge is unlearning this habit, which is a deliberate process, she emphasizes.

Similar to See’s tracking activity, Rose has clients journal to help them become more mindful about how and why they vape. She asks clients to write down (or at least notice) what was going on before they vaped, including their thoughts and feelings and their environmental and internal cues. She tells clients not to judge or change the situation. She simply wants them to notice it and make note of it.

“That awareness makes it more difficult to continue engaging in the same self-destructive pattern, and that pain and discomfort lead us to eventually stop the pattern,” Rose says.

Meditation is another effective way for clients to practice nonjudgmental awareness. “Yoga essentially saved me from smoking because it forced me to be still in my own body, and my cravings started to decrease the more I did yoga and the more I got comfortable with myself,” Rose says. “Any kind of mindfulness practice in any capacity can really help calm that craving because it forces you to … pause and be aware instead of act on impulse.”

“When you’re trying to quit vaping, it’s likely to unmask other anxieties,” Lalk says. The trick is to find healthy ways to process this underlying anxiety. Lalk finds patterning techniques helpful for her clients in this regard.

Lalk uses the common technique of deep breathing to illustrate patterning. Counselors often tell clients to breathe in a numerical pattern: Breathe in for four seconds, hold for six seconds, and breathe out for eight seconds, for example. This technique works because of the counting pattern, Lalk says. “Once you start trying to do [this patterning], your brain shifts and it calms you down,” she explains.

Lalk encourages clients to find a patterning technique that works for them. It could be doing beats with their hands, taking deep breathes and counting, writing poetry, or going for a walk and looking for patterns (counting every orange object that they see, for example). The key is to be mindful while doing the activity, Lalk explains. “Running is a beautiful way to pattern because you can count your steps. Just running for the sake of running if you aren’t being mindful about it isn’t nearly as helpful,” she adds.

With the help of a relaxation patterning activity, clients can calm themselves as they discuss their underlying anxiety or other issue with a counselor. Lalk points out that people often hide from whatever makes them anxious. Counselors can work with clients to instead address and acknowledge their anxiety and move toward it, not away from it, she says. Lalk says one of her clients can do four different beats with each of his hands and feet. Once he starts doing his beats, he relaxes and starts talking about his underlying issues.

See also helps clients find mindful replacements for vaping. One of her clients tracked her vaping behavior and discovered that she mostly vaped in her car — a place she spent a significant amount of time driving to school, work and other activities. Together, See and the client reviewed various alternatives that she could engage in while in her car: Would playing music help? Did she need something to do with her hands, such as squeezing a stress ball or play dough or twirling a pen in her fingers? Was her vaping habit the result of an oral fixation?

They finally decided the client would keep a water bottle in her car, and every time she wanted to vape, she would take a sip of water instead. In many cases, it’s about figuring out what clients can do so that vaping is not at the forefront of their minds, See says.

Changing the narrative

Lalk points out that people who vape are not strangers to negative, shame-based and judgmental comments from others. But this sends the wrong message, she says. The person may have tried vaping at a party and, in a short time, become addicted. This doesn’t make them a bad person; it just means they are struggling, she says.

Counseling can help clients manage negative internal and external comments. Rose has her clients practice nonjudgmental awareness. For example, a client might set a goal of not vaping all week, but at the next session, he confesses that he did vape, which in his eyes, makes him a “horrible person.” Rose helps the client separate shame (“I am a bad person because I vaped this week”) from guilt (“I feel bad for relapsing and using nicotine”). Whereas feelings of guilt can be healthy, shame and negative thinking aren’t productive, Rose says. Clients can’t shame themselves into quitting, even though they often try to do just that, she adds.

Rose frequently uses narrative therapy to help clients identify and change these harmful thoughts. She asks clients to write down all of the thoughts they have about themselves at the end of each day. Maybe they vaped that day and feel like a failure, or maybe they went the entire day without vaping and feel good about themselves.

Rose encourages clients to be mindful of the story they are creating with their words and thoughts. She asks clients, “What is the narrative you have created about yourself and your vaping?” Sometimes clients have internalized a narrative of “I’m a smoker,” and the more they say this, the more it becomes true, Rose says. So, if a client states, “I’m a smoker who quit two months ago,” Rose works with the person to change the story to an empowering one, such as, “I don’t vape. I’m not a smoker.”

“Those narratives are going to illuminate some more core issues like self-esteem or a lack of self-worth,” she adds.

Focus on the wins

See suggests that counselors can also help clients focus on their small victories. “Every time you don’t [vape] is a win,” See says. “And if a day didn’t go as great as you wanted it to, then just press that reset button and start over. You can start over at any point in the day. You don’t have to wait until tomorrow.”

See collaborates with clients to identify rewards and motivations that would work best for them. That could be buying new shoes with the money saved from not vaping that week or not allowing themselves to watch a Netflix show until they make it one day without vaping. The goal is to have clients build up their toolboxes, so she has them come up with a list of about 25 things that aren’t substances that make them feel good, such as running or going out to eat at a favorite restaurant.

Having a sufficient stockpile of motivators in their toolboxes ensures that clients will have an alternative to turn to when the craving to vape hits, See notes. Having only a few options — even if they are strong motivators — can backfire because not every tool will work in every situation. For instance, if a client is stuck in class and can’t go running when the urge to vape arises, he or she will need another tool to use in that moment. Clients should also make their goal visible to help motivate them, See adds. For example, they can put the goal on their mirror so that they see it every day.

Rose recommends the app Smoke Free because it focuses on positive reinforcement, not consequences. “It’s very strength based,” she notes. The app doesn’t show a picture of an unhealthy lung or treat the user as naive. Instead, it focuses on the benefits of not smoking and the progress people are making toward their goals.

Upon opening the Smoke Free app, users see a dashboard displaying how long (down to the hour) they have been smoke free. It calculates the degree to which the person’s health is being restored with icons that display improvements (by percentage) for pulse rate, oxygen levels, and risk of heart attack and lung cancer. It also shows users how much money they have saved by not vaping. The app includes a journal component where users can note their cravings and identify their triggers. To further encourage users, it includes progress made such as life regained in days and time not spent smoking.

“A knowledge of consequences does not dissipate the problem,” Rose says. “We absolutely know that smoking is highly correlated with lung cancer, and yet millions of people still smoke.” Younger generations often feel invincible, so focusing only on the consequences of vaping isn’t a sufficient motivator, she adds.

Forming alliances

Counselors must take steps to reach children and parents even earlier because vaping is increasingly making its way into elementary and middle schools, says See, who wrote the article “The dangers of vaping” for the website CollegiateParent. With parents, it is also helpful to educate them on what to look for because vaping devices, which can resemble a flash drive or pen, are often hidden in plain sight and are easily overlooked, See adds. 

Lalk recommends that counselors also take the time to learn from their clients. Through her alliance with some of her seventh- and eighth-grade clients, she found out which local stores were selling e-cigarettes to underage patrons. These clients also confided that one store owner said he knew the kids were underage but that the possibility of getting caught and having to pay a $250 fine was worth it because each vape sold for $60.

This knowledge helped Lalk take action in her community, including writing an article on how the shops, rather than the children, should be prosecuted, and participating in a movement to create ordinances setting new rules for establishments that sell vapes to minors. The businesses in her town now have to secure permits to sell vaping products, part of which requires acknowledging that they will not sell to minors. If store owners are found in violation of their permits, they risk losing their businesses. 

Rose used to facilitate two hours of group counseling at a rehabilitation center five days a week, and she regularly witnessed the shame reduction and healing that can happen in groups. “I believe the opposite of addiction is not just abstinence,” she says. “The opposite of addiction is connection.”

Accountability is another big piece in quitting, Rose says. She often tells clients who are struggling to call a friend with whom they can be honest or to find another way to keep themselves accountable to their goal of quitting or reducing the amount of time they vape.

Rose personally found that documenting her journey of quitting in a blog post kept her accountable. Others reached out and told her that her post made them feel less alone and motivated them to quit too. In turn, she thought twice before using her vape again because she wanted to respond to incoming emails by confirming that she was still vape free.   

See agrees that accountability and healthy rewards are smart strategies for helping clients who want to quit vaping. Peer pressure can become a big issue, especially for teenagers who don’t want to feel like the odd person out when seemingly everyone else in their crowd is vaping, she says. She advises clients to let people know they are quitting and to surround themselves with people who will empower and support them in their decision.

Accountability becomes even more important with adults, See points out, because they have more freedom and don’t automatically have someone watching over or checking in with them. That’s why having a support system is so important, she says. When clients feel like vaping, they can reach out to someone they trust and ask them for five reasons not to, See says.

See says clients might also consider posting on social media that they are quitting and openly ask for support, or they could participate in a 30-day challenge. One of Lalk’s clients participated in a challenge the person referred to as “No-Nic November.” These positive challenges can provide a good counterbalance to the vaping challenges that are so popular on social media currently.

When See dropped one of her children off at college, she noticed the dorm had placed a whiteboard with the words “Healthy Ways to Deal With Stress” written at the top. The students were adding their own suggestions, such as going to a pet store and petting a cat or going for a run. See loved this self-empowering technique and plans to incorporate it into her own practice by adding a Post-it wall where clients can add their own healthy ways of coping or their own words of encouragement.

Taking the first step

Quitting can be overwhelming, and sometimes clients don’t know where to start. See advises these clients to begin by taking small steps. Harm reduction can be a particularly effective early strategy because it empowers clients, See says. “Once they see they can harm reduce, then maybe [they] can harm reduce all the way to zero use,” she explains. “But putting them at the bottom of Mount Kilimanjaro and saying ‘get up to the top right now’ is daunting.” Instead, she asks clients what their “climb” to being vape free looks like for them. Do they want to climb fast, or do they want to climb slow?

Recently, See worked with a teenager who had been vaping for three years. She had been scared by the recent health reports related to vaping and wanted to quit. See asked this client about her motivators, and the client said she wanted to quit to protect her health, for her parents who were pressuring her to quit, and because of the monetary costs associated with vaping.

See asked the client, “What does 30 days without vaping look like?” The client’s eyes bulged. The thought of it was too much for her. So, instead, See and the teen client talked and decided she would remove e-cigarettes from just one place in her life.

By tracking her habits, the client learned she vaped mostly in her car. So, See suggested she remove the vape only from her car and also not allow her friends to vape there. See also instructed the client to notice and write down how it felt not having the vape in her car. Did she miss it? Did she reach for it without thinking? Together, they also made a list of possible replacements she could keep in her car, including a pen, candy flavored like her favorite vape juice, and a stress ball.

“That was one part of the mountain that she could climb,” See says. Feeling empowered by her success, the teenager eventually decided that she was ready to tackle the prospect of no longer vaping in her room at home.

Others, such as Rose, decide to take a faster approach and quit cold turkey. She notes that counseling can bring a level of mindful awareness to quitting and help clients figure out the underlying reasons they turn to vaping to fill an internal void. “The nicotine [and] physical addiction is a part of it, but that’s not the core issue,” she asserts.

Since she stopped vaping, Rose’s mindfulness practice has increased. She has trained herself to pause before acting on impulse. “The mental aspect is infinitely more difficult to unlearn than the physical addiction — ‘I’m sad, I’m going to vape. I’m happy, I’m going to vape. I’m bored’ — that’s the most common — ‘I’m going to vape.’ It’s something to do, something to reach for, essentially something to [help] avoid just sitting with [one’s] self in one’s own skin,” she says.

As Rose opens her Smoke Free app, her dashboard proudly displays that she hasn’t vaped for six months, 16 days and 13 hours.

 

****

 

Lindsey Phillips is a contributing writer to Counseling Today and a UX content strategist. Contact her at hello@lindseynphillips.com or through her website at lindseynphillips.com.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

 

****

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.