Tag Archives: Human Development Across the Lifespan

Human Development Across the Lifespan

Growing up between cultures

By Lindsey Phillips August 2, 2022

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Kurt Bannert, a licensed professional counselor (LPC), left his home in Texas to move overseas at age 10. When his parents told him they were moving to Serbia for missionary work, his initial reply was, “That sounds awesome. You guys have fun. Don’t forget to call or write me or send pictures about how it goes, but I’m not going.”

Bannert’s family was unable to go straight to Serbia and lived in Bosnia for a few months at first. He remembers leaving the warm, 90-degree weather of Texas and moving to a cold city filled with snow and people who spoke a language he didn’t understand. 

He says this experience left him feeling bitter, angry and depressed. “I was angry at my parents. I was angry at God,” he recalls. “I was really mad. I felt it was unfair. I didn’t ask for these things to happen. I didn’t have a choice.” 

Over time, Bannert assimilated into Serbian culture and made local friends. But during high school, he mostly stayed in his room and messaged his friends from the United States, which he says caused his parents to worry that he was depressed. They decided to send him to an international boarding school in southern Germany, where he was surrounded by kids who had similar experiences of living abroad.

As a child, Bannert, who owns a private practice (Third Culture Therapy) in Longview, Texas, had heard the phrase “third-culture kid” (TCK), but he says it wasn’t until he attended this international boarding school and met other TCKs that this term really started to make sense for him. 

TCK, a term coined by sociologist Ruth Useem in the 1950s, describes someone who has spent a significant portion of their developmental years outside of their parents’ culture. A study conducted by Ann Cottrell and Useem in the 1990s revealed that American adult TCKs are often more successful than their homegrown peers, with 44% earning a bachelor’s degree by age 22 and 85% being bilingual. A 2011 survey by Denizen, an online magazine geared for TCKs, found that 30% of TCKs have a master’s degree and 10% speak four languages. 

But this success can often come at the cost of feeling lonely and dislocated. The Denizen survey also found that 70% of respondents weren’t planning to stay or weren’t sure if they would stay in their current city for more than two years. This number increased to 92% when asked if they would stay there for five years. The stressors that come with being a citizen of everywhere and nowhere can lead to anger or depression (as was the case with Bannert), unresolved grief and loss, an uncertain sense of belonging, or issues with relationships.

Cross-cultural identity 

For TCKs, a nomadic lifestyle is often a normal way of life, which can leave them wondering where exactly they belong. They may feel they are “citizens” of many places yet struggle to pinpoint “home.”

As a child, Josh Sandoz, a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in Seattle, Washington, often wondered about his own cultural identity. He is a U.S. citizen who was born in Seoul, South Korea, and his parents’ jobs caused him to continuously shift between living in Seoul and different parts of the United States. 

When parents make the choice to raise kids internationally, they often don’t realize or think about how they are creating a cross-cultural family, where individuals have different cultural frames of reference, Sandoz says. Parents may assume that their children share the same cultural identity that they do, but this is not always the case. He advises counselors who work with TCKs and their caregivers to initiate conversations around what this cross-cultural family looks like for them.

The TCK population is the epitome of cultural complexity, Sandoz continues, because of their unique and individualized experiences. So he cautions counselors not to make assumptions about a client’s cultural sensibilities based on what they presume to be their ethnicity, race or citizenship. A TCK client can hold divided or multiple loyalties, and these loyalties can be in conflict with each other, explains Sandoz, who founded the International Therapist Directory, which helps internationally mobile people find therapists knowledgeable about third-culture experiences. 

For example, Sandoz knew a TCK who was born in the United States, lived in Europe during elementary school, moved to South Korea for middle school, attended high school in Singapore and went to college in the United States. In college, friends constantly told him to “just be himself,” but he wasn’t sure what that even meant. Was he supposed to be his European self, his East or Southeast Asian self or his North American self?

A TCK may look or sound like they are from the United States, says Denese Marshall, an LPC and advanced alcohol and drug counselor with a private practice in New Canaan, Connecticut, but they have not had the same experiences as their U.S. peers. They may not have gone to football games on Friday night or watched the same TV shows, for example. So they don’t necessarily feel like they “belong” even when they are in a country where they are a citizen. 

In fact, Marshall acknowledges that the question, “Where are you from?” can cause some TCKs to freeze with fear or become anxious because they aren’t sure how to answer. She works with clients and their families to help these kids have a prepared response, such as “My parents are from this city, and we are currently living in this country.” 

Sandoz agrees that the “where are you from” question can be problematic or complicated for some clients, so as a clinician, he avoids asking it. Instead, he asks clients, “Where all did you grow up?” This question is more open-ended and unassuming, he explains, and it allows the client to explore all the cultures and geographic locations with which they identify.

The idea of identity is layered for TCKs, says Aishwarya Nambiar, a doctoral candidate in counseling education and supervision at William & Mary. These individuals are still trying to figure out where they belong, she notes, and some are doing this while also navigating their marginalized identities. 

One of Nambiar’s research interests focuses on how to infuse the TCK experience within the counseling education curriculum because she finds that counselors often do not understand the complexity involved in TCKs’ identities. As a result, TCK clients can feel misunderstood in sessions. She, along with her colleague Philippa Chin, presented on this topic at the 2021 annual conference of the European Branch of ACA. Adult TCKs often come to see Bannert because they are struggling with understanding their personal or national identities now that they are no longer living abroad. To help them begin to unpack all the layers of their identity, he hands them a family crest with four blank quadrants and asks them to fill it in with their identities. Most of the time, clients leave one of the four quadrants empty, Bannert says, because they feel there is more to them and the story they are developing.

Counselors need to be aware of the nuances associated with the TCK lifestyle, Nambiar stresses, because each TCK experiences a unique set of challenges and benefits. If clinicians are aware of these individualized experiences, then they can provide these clients with a space to process and consider all the layers of their identity and how it affects their experience, she says. 

Preparing for transitions 

There are two big transitional developmental periods that many TCKs experience: the transition back to their country of citizenship and the transition from college into adulthood. Marshall often works with parents during this first transitional phase when they are moving back to the United States after living abroad while their children were younger. 

Marshall encourages TCK parents to plan ahead for this transition to reduce some of their child’s anxiety around the move. Here are a few techniques she often suggests to families as they are preparing to reenter their country of citizenship: 

  • Help TCKs become familiar with things that peers in their country of citizenship might have experienced. Explaining cultural references (such as the animated series SpongeBob SquarePants) to them can help prevent them from feeling blindsided.
  • Find a way to continue one of the child’s extracurricular activities, such as playing a sport or participating in a Cub or Girl Scouts program.
  • Contact the child’s new school to see if they will help facilitate activities between classmates or teammates. Even if the school can’t coordinate an activity, they may be able to put families in touch with others who will be attending the school.
  • Have TCKs put together a small book filled with images of where they used to live to serve as a reminder of what they experienced and to take away the “mystery” of that life for the new kids they will meet.
  • Look at pictures of the new town, school and house if possible. Google Earth can be one great way to explore a new area virtually.
  • Ask TCKs to create a time capsule or memory box of special things from the place they are leaving (such as a small toy, a little snip of their bedspread, or photos or video recordings of familiar places).

Sandoz advises counselors working with adult TCKs to be curious and explore these types of transitions to see what each experience was like for them. To learn more about his clients’ transitional experiences, he often asks questions such as “What was it like for you in fifth grade when you moved from Amsterdam to New York?” It may also be helpful for clients to create a timeline or visual map of all the moves and transitions, he adds.

As TCKs transition out of college and enter their late 20s and early 30s, Sandoz says that it’s not unusual for them to wonder, “What now?” This is another transitional time when counseling can help clients as they process and identify what they want to do as an adult. This is a natural part of development, but being a TCK adds layers of complexity, he explains.

Counselors could also connect TCKs with resources such as seminars on these types of transitions. After his senior year of high school, Sandoz had the opportunity to attend a seminar on the transitions of TCKs. “More than anything, it was a very emotional experience just to be with others who were also transitioning … and just share stories and think about what we were going through,” he recalls. 

Regaining choice 

Constantly moving may cause some TCKs to unconsciously internalize that their own wishes do not matter and that things just happen to them, Sandoz says. If a TCK was excited because they just made the soccer team at their school but then finds out their family is moving again, for example, they may be upset about relocating to a new country where they may not be able to play soccer. The situation could cause the child to internalize that their wishes do not matter, Sandoz says.

To counterbalance this, he often advises parents to allow TCKs to make small choices to give them autonomy and independence in areas where they can have control. For example, maybe the child gets to pick what the family eats one night each week or which restaurant they go to. 

Bannert agrees that allowing TCKs some form of choice helps offset the fact that they did not have control over the decision to move to another country. It can sometimes be challenging for parents to understand how their kids feel, he explains, because they processed and dealt with the consequences of moving when making the decision. The kids, however, did not.

Parents also have to give kids space to make choices independently — even if that means they mess up occasionally, adds Bannert, who oversees a mental health program for the Ore City Independent School District in Upshur County, Texas. If not, when they get to college or move out on their own, they may not know how to make their own choices.

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In fact, lack of choice during childhood can even result in an inability to make decisions as an adult. Sandoz says he’s known some adult TCKs who specifically partner with people who will make decisions for them. Counselors can help clients realize that it’s OK to have preferences and empower them to get to know more about their own agency, he says. 

TCKs learn to adapt and assimilate to the various cultures that they live in, but this can also  make them unsure about their own preferences, Sandoz says. “And sometimes there’s not a lot of focus given to getting to know oneself [in that way] or giving oneself permission to hold those kinds of preferences because there can be such a high value for blending in,” he adds.

The counselor’s role, Sandoz says, is to ask questions and listen to get a sense of whether this behavior of allowing others to make decisions is something the client is choosing or whether it’s a pattern that is getting repeated based on their past experiences as a TCK.

Bannert says sometimes his TCK clients look to him for all the answers because they are used to having choices made for them. If this happens, he focuses on helping them regain agency and encourages them to find the answers on their own.

Unresolved grief and loss 

Saying goodbye to people and places is so commonplace that TCKs often don’t even recognize they are experiencing grief when they leave, says Nambiar, a resident in counseling in Virginia. 

Bannert’s adolescent clients struggle with grief when they move away to college, and because they are TCKs, the grief is complicated by the fact that they are often moving to a new country and adjusting to cultural differences in addition to leaving behind their family, he says. He helps them recognize the grief associated with this transition and advises them to say goodbye to the people, place and culture. If a client is struggling to say goodbye because of some internal conflict, then Bannert may have the client do the Gestalt empty chair technique or write a goodbye letter to someone or someplace to help them better understand their thoughts and feelings about leaving that country. 

Some families do allow grief to be a part of the process when moving, Sandoz says. They eat at their favorite restaurant one last time, they say goodbye to their friends, and they give themselves permission to be sad. But other families just pack up and go. They don’t allow the children time to mourn, he continues, because they don’t realize how hard it will be on them or they assume the children are too young to remember it. Not allowing for grief could put the child in danger of repeating that dynamic when they get older, he adds. 

Sandoz advises counselors to acknowledge the loss associated with moving. For example, he may tell a client, “Growing up as a TCK, you’ve probably had a chance to say a lot of hellos and goodbyes. What has that experience been like for you? Were you able to say goodbye? If so, what were those goodbyes like?”These questions allow the clinician and client to notice areas where the client experienced grief as a child and where they may still be grieving, he explains. 

Being in a household that doesn’t allow for them to express their feelings around these transitions, Sandoz notes, can lead to unresolved grief that TCKs carry into adulthood. But therapy presents an opportunity for the counselor and client to create “a relationship together where there is freedom to actually feel those things and express those things and sometimes actively grieve losses that maybe were experienced years and years ago but were stored up somewhere inside all this time,” he says.

Parents may inadvertently minimize their child’s sadness or grief by focusing only on the positive aspects of living abroad. Children may be told they should be happy about this “great life” or the next adventure, for example, but this often results in unresolved loss, Marshall says. It may be challenging for some parents to let their children feel sad, she admits, because they often want to distract their child or refocus on the positive to make them feel better. Counselors can work with parents to help them resist this urge and instead acknowledge the loss and give the child the space to feel and process all the emotions they may have about the move, she says. 

Counselors can also work with parents and caregivers to help them and their children recognize and grieve the losses that come with transitions. It can be tempting for families to downplay or overlook a young child’s grief at moving away from what is familiar and comfortable, Sandoz says, because they assume the child won’t remember the grief that comes with moving. A three-year-old child, for example, is just becoming familiar with the language and routines around them, so moving overseas to a country where the sights, sounds and smells are all unfamiliar would set the stage for this child to experience many types of losses simultaneously, he says. 

Nambiar acknowledges that therapy can help TCKs accept the challenges and realities that come with this lifestyle as well as find the beauty in it. “You can be sad that you have to say goodbye to these people,” she explains. “But you can also recognize that you’ve had a lot of experiences now and you’ve met so many different people and you’ve grown because of that.” 

Rethinking relationships 

This mindset of constantly moving affects the way TCKs view relationships. Although a transient lifestyle allows TCKs to connect easily with others, Nambiar says, it can sometimes be difficult to maintain the relationships they have made when they have to move again. 

Marshall has noticed that her TCK clients may not put a lot of effort into developing close relationships. For example, they may not see the point in attempting to resolve a conflict with a friend because they assume that in a few months one of them will move away. 

It’s common to see more shallow or disrupted relationships with the TCK population, Marshall continues. She once knew a TCK who had attended 14 schools in 12 years. As an adult, this woman lived in the same town for more than 30 years, yet she hadn’t developed any close friendships because of this ingrained mindset that she shouldn’t get too close to anyone in case she had to move. Someone who is struggling to form or maintain relationships like this could benefit from counseling, Marshall says, because it could help them process the loss around moving and learn how to develop deeper connections and be vulnerable with others. 

These interpersonal issues and conflicts often resurface later when the TCK becomes an adult. Several of Bannert’s adult TCK clients have come to counseling because they are struggling with romantic relationships. “They tend to act like someone who has been abused or traumatized,” he says. “Whenever someone starts to get close to them, they break it off because they’re afraid to be intimate. … They’re so afraid they’re going to lose something good that’s outside of their control.”

Bannert works with TCK clients to help them be more vulnerable and form healthy boundaries within relationships. They tend to share a lot of details about their life really quickly, he explains, because they grew accustomed to having to get to know someone fast before one of them moves away. This approach of sharing too much too fast, however, can scare someone who didn’t grow up as a TCK, so he helps clients learn appropriate boundaries when first getting to know someone who is not familiar with a TCK lifestyle.

Marshall also encourages the parents of TCKs to use technology to promote healthy relationships for their children. Video chats and social media can become tools that allow TCKs to stay connected with long-distance friends and help them develop deeper connections even after relocating, she says. Parents often have valid concerns about social media use, she adds, so she takes time to clarify that staying in touch in a structured, meaningful way is more beneficial than simply “following” someone on social media or “liking” what others post.

Putting down roots

TCKs often have many homes but do not have one place where they feel settled, Nambiar says. Home is everywhere and nowhere. 

Some TCKs may struggle with feeling grounded, Bannert says. They may be “stuck” — living in transitional housing or jumping from job to job out of a fear of what it means to “settle down,” he explains. Bannert once knew a TCK adult who refused to unpack even after living in an apartment for almost two months. The man couldn’t shake this restless feeling that he may move, even though he had just signed a two-year contract for his job.

Bannert encourages his clients to find ways to root or ground themselves in some way. To help with this process, he sometimes asks clients to create a vision board of their five-year plan so they can find something they can work toward, which helps grounds them. 

Bannert and Marshall both agree that this notion of being “settled” or “grounded” does not have to refer to something physical, such as a 30-year mortgage. Clinicians working with TCKs may have to help clients expand this concept and reimagine ways they can ground themselves despite undergoing constant transitions or feeling restless. For example, TCKs could ground themselves in a relationship by staying connected with a close friend online, Marshall says.

Bannert admits he still has moments of restlessness and a strong desire to travel, but he takes his advice to heart and finds ways to ground himself. He has one object that comes with him during every move: a plaque containing the words of a Serbian prayer. “That’s the first thing that gets hung up and it’s the last thing to come off the wall,” he says. “It grounds me.”

 

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Lindsey Phillips is the editor-in-chief for Counseling Today. Contact her at lphillips@counseling.org.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Embracing the realities of retirement

By Chris Morkides June 8, 2022

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In the 1977 song that would become an unofficial anthem for his legions of fans, Jimmy Buffett famously sang about “wasting away in Margaritaville,” “searching for [his] lost shaker of salt” and doing many of the things that people contemplating retirement expect to do when they leave the full-time workforce behind and dive into their golden years.

So, perhaps it’s not surprising that Buffett, now in his mid-70s, has a retirement community in Florida that was named one of Where to Retire magazine’s “50 best master-planned communities in the U.S.” in 2019.

It turns out that retirement is about master planning. And maintaining social networks. And finding meaning. In other words, it’s about many things that professional counselors can help to guide clients through, whether these individuals are contemplating retirement or already retired.

Retirement as a developmental stage

“People are living longer and retiring earlier,” says Louis Primavera, a licensed psychologist who co-authored The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire with Rob Pascale and Rip Roach. “And it means that retirement has changed from a short-term event to another developmental stage.”

Before writing The Retirement Maze in 2012, Primavera and his co-authors surveyed 1,500 retirees and 400 people of retirement age who were still in the workforce to see how the two groups compared emotionally, to look at the expectations of prospective retirees and judge whether those expectations were realistic, to uncover problems encountered by retirees and, finally, to put those problems under a microscope and determine how best to deal with them or avoid them altogether.

The first issue Primavera, Pascale and Roach had to resolve before disseminating the survey was to formulate a definition of “retirement.” Coming up with a definition was not easy because many retirees still work to some extent. What distinguishes them from people who work full time?

“Working retirees,” Primavera and his co-authors wrote, “tend to be less emotionally invested in their jobs and have more say as to the terms of their employment, such as the types of tasks performed, or the number of hours worked. Also, retirees think of themselves as retirees.”

“Retirement is no longer seen as the complete end of work after a career of full-time jobs,” they added. “Instead, work is now seen as one potential element of the retiree lifestyle.”

Retirement is a process. Some individuals adjust well to retirement within months. For others, the adjustment takes years. Primavera, Pascale and Roach wrote that three elements are key in a person’s ability to adjust: health, financial stability and subjective well-being. Subjective well-being, simply, is a person’s happiness. That happiness is affected by productivity, self-esteem, a feeling of being in control, a sense of purpose and a sense of being connected to others.

Retirement, then, isn’t as easy as deciding to spend more time with the grandchildren. In fact, as many retirees experience firsthand, it can be very hard work.

“People start out flying when they retire and they’re doing well,” says Primavera, who estimates that 40% of people who retire aren’t fully adjusted within one or two years. “Then, things change. There’s confusion. What am I going to do with my time? How am I going to structure my day? When people first retire, they might get up late, they might not change their clothes. They’re on vacation.”

All vacations end though. Which leads to a question that retirees and prospective retirees routinely ask themselves: Now what? 

Although workers might spend a portion of their days lamenting how much they hate their jobs, work provides structure. But with no imposed structure after retirement? With a gap in meaning that was previously filled by work — even if that work could also be a source of anxiety? Now what?

The importance of structure

“Structure is the most important thing in all this,” Primavera says. “You take people who are seriously mentally ill. One characteristic, no matter what the diagnosis, is that they’re totally unstructured. It’s the same for everybody. A lot of people have had trouble through the pandemic, for example. What structure was there? A lot of people have been flying by the seat of their pants.”

The quality of the structure is also significant.

“Structuring your days so that you’re including exercise and social activities and not just staring at a TV is important,” says E. Christine Moll, a counseling lecturer at Kean University in Union, New Jersey, and a past president of the Association for Adult Development and Aging, a division of the American Counseling Association. “Maybe you’re going out for coffee every day. Maybe you’re volunteering one or two days a week. Maybe you’re having meals with family, meals with your neighbors. That’s structure.”

Professional counselors can discuss the importance of structure and ways that their clients can implement it. The goal is not for clients to know what they will be doing every second, minute or hour of every day; it’s that they will understand the importance of doing something.

Structure isn’t something that most people who work full time find it necessary to consider. They typically wake up to an alarm, make breakfast, and hustle out the door with a cup of coffee in hand to go to a job that they may or may not like. They follow this routine the next day and the next day and the next day, relax on the weekend, and the cycle repeats itself when Monday comes around.

But when there isn’t a job to go to, structure is no longer a given. It’s up to retirees to create their own structure. 

“People need a reason to get up in the morning,” says Deborah Heiser, founder of The Mentor Project and co-editor of the book Spiritual Assessment and Intervention With Older Adults. “That doesn’t change when you retire.”

‘Piecing’ together retirement

No matter how much planning and counseling are conducted beforehand, many issues can crop up and surprise clients once the initial euphoria of not having to report to the office wears off.

Take, for example, the social piece.

“If you examine it, 40% of your social network [is] people you work with,” Primavera says. “So, you’re losing a big part of your social network.”

“People might be having problems at work, with obligations, with other aspects,” adds Heiser, an adjunct professor of psychology at the State University of New York College at Old Westbury. “But work still gives us an opportunity to socialize with each other.”

For “the client who lives alone, the social piece is very important,” says Sharon Givens, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in career counseling and heads the Visions Counseling and Career Center in Charlotte, North Carolina. “They don’t have co-workers they can engage with on a daily basis. They can volunteer, take on part-time positions, anything that keeps them in contact with other people.”

Getting involved in new activities is one way for retirees to meet other people. Reestablishing connections with old friends and family — many of whom the retiree may have unintentionally neglected due to responsibilities imposed by work — is another way to satisfy the need for socialization.

“The person you might see three times a year, increase the number of those contacts,” Primavera advises. “There’s someone I know, Bob, he’s retired, and we have lunch every three or four weeks. He has lunch with other friends. We all have friends we probably don’t see often whose company we enjoy. If you’re retired, it’s easier to see them.”

There is also the meaning/identity piece to consider as it relates to retirement. Go to a social gathering, and one of the first things people ask is what you do. It’s an easy answer when you’re working: “I’m a lawyer.” “I’m a doctor.” “I’m a truck driver.”

The answer isn’t as easy after retirement, although it still exists. It just might take some time finding it.

“You can get meaning by volunteering in something completely different than your career or by giving back by using the skills you learned in your career. You know, like financial people volunteering to do financial work at a senior center during tax season,” Moll says. “You can do Meals on Wheels. You can do anything that gives you purpose. And that changes. It’s not for me [the counselor] to say what brings purpose. It’s for the person to find out.”

There is also the couples and family piece. Both members of a couple might work or only one may be employed. Whatever the situation, it changes when one partner decides to retire. To minimize potential problems, it could be a good idea to go through couples or family counseling before one of the family members drops out of the workforce.

“The client should have conversations with the family about what they’re planning on doing, what it might mean,” Moll says. “You might want to talk about … what happens to the family dynamic after retirement.”

And what if a client decides they want not only to retire but also to move in the process? True, people can connect via the internet, and friends and relatives can visit retirees in, say, Florida. “But I don’t know if absence makes the heart grow fonder,” Moll says. “That’s something that can be discussed in counseling beforehand.”

Surveying the horizon

Givens uses what she calls the SWOT approach when counseling clients who are considering retirement.

“It’s about discussing strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats a person might encounter,” she explains. “What new opportunities could retirement open up? What problems could retirement present? Is the person ready financially? Emotionally?”

To get clients to think about post-retirement life, she asks them a question: “What will you do that you couldn’t do because you’ve been working?”

Kimberly Johnson, a licensed mental health counselor in New York and program director for clinical mental health at Touro College, now works primarily with frontline workers navigating the coronavirus pandemic. But she has counseled people navigating life transitions, including retirement, throughout her 25-plus years as a counselor.

Johnson remembers one client who came to her initially to work on other issues. But as Johnson counseled her client, she realized that much of the client’s angst stemmed from her job.

“The environment at work had come to a place where she just didn’t feel like she wanted to stay anymore,” Johnson says. “She already was vested. She was going to have her pension. She probably would have stayed if the environment was better.”

The problem for Johnson’s client, who was in her late 50s, was that she felt that she was being forced out. Johnson wanted the client to look at the situation differently. “A lot of it was about having her think that she made the decision rather than the decision being foisted upon her,” Johnson says.

What did Johnson do to help her client get to a good place emotionally? “First, we role-played how she would confront her supervisor,” Johnson says. “And we tried to visualize what it would be like after she left and how she could prepare for it. We talked about potential feelings that might come up when she was gone.”

It all was about turning negative thoughts about retirement into positive thoughts. “She started to look at it not as an end but as a transition in life,” Johnson says. “She did a little bit of her own writing describing what her life would be like after leaving her place of employment and the kinds of things that she could look forward to. It was about not getting caught up in the grieving of this transition but also celebrating what was on the horizon.”

The result? “She did go through some grieving but was able to process that and move on to new activities,” Johnson says. “She found a way to kind of reinvent herself. As far as I know, and I haven’t seen her for a while, she is in a positive place.”

One size does not fit all

How does Moll counsel clients who are considering retirement? She says it depends on the client because — as in other areas of counseling — one size does not fit all.

“I do think that there’s sort of disenchantment that happens with work, like ‘I’m tired of this job. I’m ready. I’m ready to be done with this. I’ve given what I can give,’” Moll says. “It’s important as a counselor to work through that emotion and maybe ask, ‘Is it time to retire?’

“I might open up the conversation with what has to happen before you step away. To really have a conversation about, I guess, two to three areas of life — what needs to happen, what needs to be put into place so that the person can leave as seamlessly as possible from that position?”

Moll encourages clients to consult with financial advisers, and she emphasizes the impact that a person’s retirement will have on the rest of the family. “You should have conversations with your partner,” Moll tells clients who are considering retirement.

Heiser discusses the importance of clients finding purposeful activities such as Habitat for Humanity and talks to clients about redefining their purpose. “Your purpose could be your grandchildren. It could be gardening. It could be pickleball,” she says.

Heiser also stresses the importance of therapists being supportive of clients who are considering retirement. “Tell your clients that it’s OK to change [their] mind. It’s OK to take a part-time job. It’s OK if retirement isn’t exactly what you thought it would be. Tell clients that a lot of people are going through this at the same time,” she says.

Primavera emphasizes structure, which he contends is the single most important thing for someone to maintain in retirement. The form of the structure can change, however.

“You plan, but you also have to be flexible,” he says. “Be willing to try different things. Be open to new ideas.”

Primavera recounts a story about a person who was surveyed for The Retirement Maze.

“We interviewed a CEO who loved to play golf when he was still working. Every opportunity he got to play, he was out on the course,” Primavera says. “He retired a year later, and we asked how much golf did he play. He wasn’t playing anymore. 

“We asked, ‘Why not?’ He said golf was a distraction when he was working. When he retired, it became his job. So, the things you think you may want to do, you may not end up wanting to do them.”

Be flexible

This is where flexibility comes in. Work and golf and pickleball and all sorts of factors are intertwined. One factor changes — a person retires — and it has a ripple effect on everything else.

“The point is that we all have to figure out what is best for us,” Primavera says. “And the only way you do that is to experiment. You research and experiment. If I had a client who said, ‘I’m unhappy,’ I would say, ‘Well, what makes you happy? Let’s go out and try a few things.’”

Some of those new things might even turn into work.

“Retirement is a funny business,” Primavera observes. “People often will retire from a job and then go back and work part time. It’s not unusual. Or they’ll find another job [that] is like what they were doing. We call it a bridge job. We interviewed one guy who actually ended up working more hours after he retired than he did when he was working. We asked him why he considered himself retired. He said, ‘Because I can quit anytime I want to.’”

Primavera doesn’t want to leave his job as dean of the School of Health Sciences at Touro College or stop being a therapist or an author. He says he enjoys his work too much. And, besides, “I love talking about retirement.”

Moll tried out retirement once before after spending 33 years as a professor at Canisius College. Today, she is a lecturer in the Department of Counselor Education at Kean University and doesn’t plan on retiring again anytime soon.

“I still love teaching,” she says. “I’m happy being me and doing what I enjoy. And when I don’t enjoy this anymore, that’ll be my sign that I need to retire and maybe sit on the beach with some margaritas.”

insta_photos/Shutterstock.com

 

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Chris Morkides is a recently retired therapist trying to navigate the retirement waters with the help of his wife, Alisa, daughter, Kina, and two cats. Contact him at cmorkides@aol.com.

 

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

The emotional and social health needs of Gen Z

By Lindsey Phillips January 10, 2022

4 Comments

kitzcorner/Shutterstock.com

Members of Generation Z — typically defined as those born from the mid-1990s to the early 2010s — have little to no memory of a life without smartphones or access to the internet, which is why they are often dubbed “digital natives.” They have also grown up in a world where social media, political polarization, racial unrest, school shootings and climate change are ever-present realities. 

All of that turmoil and uncertainty is affecting their mental health, with 70% of teenagers across genders, races and socioeconomic status reporting anxiety and depression as major problems among their peers, according to the Pew Research Center. A report by the American Psychological Association found that Generation Z is 27% more likely than previous generations to report their mental health as fair or poor. On a brighter note, they are also more likely than older generations to seek mental health therapy or counseling, with 37% of Gen Zers reporting having worked with a mental health professional.  

Roshelle Johnson, a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and clinical director at Light and Power Counseling in Phoenix, works with a number of Gen Z clients who are struggling with anxiety or depression. Recently, she received three calls from parents whose children had just attempted suicide. “That spoke to me about how hopeless our young people are feeling,” she says. 

Addressing anxiety

Nichole DeMoya, a licensed mental health counselor and qualified supervisor in Florida, finds that many of her clients are in a constant state of worry. Her teenage and college-age clients commonly voice concern about future careers, school shootings, financial security, climate change and societal unrest. These clients are “very worried about the future because things are so unstable for them right now,” DeMoya says. She doesn’t dismiss their concerns; instead, she helps them learn to shift their focus to the present and on what they can control. 

DeMoya also considers the individual client’s home and school environment to see if they are adding additional layers of stress. She recalls working with a 12-year-old girl who struggled with anxiety. During one session, the client revealed she was scared that a foreign country was going to bomb her city. In learning more about the client’s home environment, DeMoya discovered that the girl’s father watched the news around the clock, and this was contributing to her anxiety. 

“She was starting her day already in that fight-or-flight [mode], already in a heightened state of anxiety,” says DeMoya, a clinical director at River’s Edge Counseling, a group private practice in Jacksonville, Florida, that specializes in treating trauma. “And then she went to school where she didn’t feel safe because school shootings are an ever-present threat.” 

DeMoya wasn’t able to help the client challenge her anxious thoughts because everything the client was being inundated with told her she should be anxious. So, DeMoya spoke to the parents and explained how the news was negatively affecting their daughter’s mental health. The father had been oblivious to this and was supportive of helping ease that stressor in his daughter’s life by no longer watching the news around her. That simple change made a big difference, helping the girl to regulate her nervous system and start her day on a positive note, DeMoya says. 

Jayna Bonfini, an LPC at Associates in Counseling & Wellness in McMurray, Pennsylvania, works with several teenage girls who experience anxiety and have histories of self-injury. By engaging in self-injury, they are taking their emotional pain and distress and turning it into a physical act, Bonfini says, so she uses dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) techniques to help them learn how to better regulate their emotional distress.

“Sometimes clients will use negative coping skills to escape painful emotions because it feels like it’s the easiest way to handle them,” Bonfini says. She instead helps clients learn healthier coping strategies with DBT skills. If a client is sad, for instance, they may isolate themselves from others. Bonfini may have the client use the DBT skill “opposite action,” which encourages them to choose the exact opposite of what their emotions tell them to do. So, instead of isolating, the client would go out and engage with others or perhaps even address the situation that is causing them distress rather than avoiding it. This approach helps clients build mastery over their emotions, she adds. 

Lauren Bellenbaum specializes in working with youth ages 10-24. She ensures that her clients leave counseling with a few practical skills they can use when they have a panic attack or feel extremely anxious (such as when they have to give a speech in class). “This generation … really want[s] skills,” she says. “Talk therapy is great, and they do need that too, but they also want to come out of sessions with some practical skills … [and] practical, straightforward advice.”

Bellenbaum, an LPC, often discusses different sensory skills that clients can use to help ground themselves when they feel anxious. For example, intense sensory experiences, such as eating sour candy, smelling essential oils, using very cold water, doing high-intensity exercise or engaging in paced breathing, can decrease anxiety, she says. She often advises clients to keep grounding objects nearby in case they find themselves feeling anxious throughout the day. Other sensory skills clients may use to help decrease anxiety or stress include having a calming Pinterest board or pictures to look at, a soothing Spotify playlist to listen to or their favorite blanket or sweater to wear. 

Improving interpersonal relationships 

Many of Bonfini’s clients seek counseling for anxiety, and social anxiety in particular. It is common for many young people to dislike phone calls, but Bonfini once worked with a client whose phone phobia was so intense that it prevented her from making necessary calls, including to the financial aid office at her college. Bonfini built an entire session around preparing the client to make this call, including practicing what the client would say and engaging in some deep breathing and interpersonal effectiveness skills with her. And then they made the call together.

“They have this impending sense of doom if somebody says, ‘We need to talk,’” notes Bonfini, an associate professor of counseling at University of the Cumberlands. “It’s this whole anticipatory anxiety that they all get, [wondering,] ‘What’s coming? What’s coming?’” 

Bonfini, who presented on supporting Gen Z’s mental, emotional and social needs at the American Counseling Association’s 2021 Virtual Conference Experience, also finds that friendships are difficult for several of her Gen Z clients. They often make casual connections with people online or at work or school, but that is different from a deep, personal form of friendship, Bonfini says, and that is where they struggle. 

Online friendships further complicate their ability to make and maintain meaningful relationships. Many of Bonfini’s clients say they mainly socialize online while they are alone in their room, which can be lonely and isolating for them, she says. Some of her clients even prefer online relationships, she adds, because when they have a problem, it’s easy to block this “friend” or create a new avatar and move on.

Bonfini, co-editor of the second edition of Casebook for DSM-5: Diagnosis and Treatment Planning, observes that Generation Z as a whole lacks many of the social skills that previous generations learned through face-to-face interactions. She finds DBT techniques helpful for teaching these (and other) clients interpersonal effectiveness, conflict resolution skills and ways to communicate their needs. 

Bellenbaum, owner of Transform Youth and Family Counseling, a group counseling practice in Grants Pass, Oregon, also finds DBT useful in helping clients learn a variety of skills, including emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness. These skills are important for this generation, she says, because they often struggle with healthy communication and conflict resolution. One DBT skill she often uses to help clients communicate more effectively is DEAR MAN, an acronym that stands for the behavioral strategy of Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, be Mindful, Appear confident and Negotiate. This strategy supports clients in expressing and getting their needs met and in telling others “no” in a respectful way, thereby increasing the likelihood of a positive outcome. 

Bellenbaum also makes use of role-plays in session to help with interpersonal issues. A client may be having conflict with a friend, for instance, and isn’t sure how to address or handle this difficult situation. So, Bellenbaum has them act it out in session. She would play the role of the friend and have the client practice using their skills to approach the friend and have a conversation about their conflict. This makes it easier for the client to have the actual conversation later in person.

Johnson, a licensed independent substance abuse counselor, and Amber Samson, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Maryland, have both found that members of Generation Z sometimes have trouble differentiating between friends and acquaintances (terms that are often conflated because of social media) or recognizing healthy versus unhealthy relationships. There can be an expectation for this population to be “friends” with everyone they talk to online or in person, notes Johnson, who runs an anxiety management group for teens. They have followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook, she says, and this can lead to them being hurt when some of these acquaintances fail to meet their expectations or aren’t there for them. 

When a client refers to someone as a “friend,” Johnson asks the client to tell her more about the relationship. If, for instance, she learns that this friend is someone the client met online and plays video games with, she explores with the client what friendship means and how not every acquaintance is a friend. 

Johnson explains the concept of friendship using a dartboard illustration, with the inner target in the shape of a heart. She points out how the dartboard has different rings, which represent different levels of friendship, and how not everyone in the client’s life can fit in the inner circle or bull’s-eye — that area is reserved only for close, personal relationships. She finds this exercise particularly helpful with teenage clients, who are typically still figuring out these relationship dynamics.

Johnson encourages clients who are struggling with social anxiety after returning to in-person education to find a club or group that caters to their strengths. One client she worked with enjoys watching indie movies, so they joined a movie club at college. The group isn’t large — just four or five other students — but it’s a great way to meet others with similar interests and safely practice social skills, Johnson says. 

Relationships can be hard enough without adding in the complications of social media. One negative social media post can sometimes ruin a person’s day, so Bellenbaum often teaches clients how to cope and handle distress when things are outside their control. 

If someone made a rude comment about the client on social media that caused them to have an automatic negative thought such as “It’s true; I am a horrible person,” then Bellenbaum would use cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) to help the client identify, challenge and replace the negative thought with a healthier, more realistic one. But if the client is upset, angry and embarrassed about the mean comment, then Bellenbaum might teach them distress tolerance and distracting skills using DBT. This strategy allows them to tolerate difficult emotions and feelings so they can get through the rest of their day until they are in a space where they can get help or process their feelings. 

Samson, a therapist at Choice Clinical Services in College Park, Maryland, works with Gen Zers, millennials and people of color. She observes that members of Gen Z often struggle with interpersonal boundaries, largely because they have grown up in a digital world where they are constantly connected and expected to communicate with others. She advises her clients to take breaks from social media and engage in activities they find relaxing. Samson has noticed that if her clients dedicate some of their day to relaxing by themselves, then they typically feel better and have the energy to be available and interact with others. 

Some Gen Z clients may find it difficult to start a conversation with their counselor, Samson adds. They may not know how to explain or even identify what they are feeling, so she goes back to the basics and helps educate her clients on identifying feelings by using the feelings wheel. The wheel contains words identifying basic emotions in its middle and branches out to more complicated aspects of these feelings on the outer perimeter of the wheel.

Being authentic 

DeMoya, a certified child and adolescent trauma professional, stresses the importance of being authentic with this generation. “As therapists, we have to move away — as I think we are — from the disconnected, Freudian approach where we just put on our glasses, have our clipboards … and don’t engage in a more relational way,” she says. “You have to be willing to put the clipboard down.” Although there is nothing inherently wrong with taking notes in session, DeMoya says, it can sometimes be a barrier to developing a closer connection with Gen Z clients. 

This generation often wants to know more about the counselor they are working with, and as Bonfini points out, they are likely to have Googled the clinician before the first session. Bonfini recalls being taught as a counseling graduate student not to self-disclose with clients, but she has learned that some limited disclosure helps build rapport with this population. Her clients often ask if her high school or college experience was similar to theirs. She shares with them the ways it was different, such as not having a smartphone and having to make sure that she showed up on time to meet friends or else she would miss them. But she also normalizes and validates common adolescent experiences such as feeling uncomfortable in one’s own body, navigating romantic relationships and being unsure of what’s next after graduation. 

Being authentic also includes working collaboratively with this population to determine their treatment plans and therapeutic goals. Bonfini likes to use motivational interviewing to build rapport and let her clients know that she is working in partnership with them. She often requests that they rank and rate various mental health issues they may want to work on in session. And she asks them, “When will you know therapy is over? What does that look like for you?” This process not only lets the client know that counseling is a partnership but also provides her with useful information about the client’s core issues and treatment goals. 

Today’s counselors must also be willing to learn more about the world these digital natives inhabit. “If you want to be an effective therapist and connect with youth, you have to know social media,” Bellenbaum asserts. Bellenbaum familiarizes herself with current social media trends and has Instagram, YouTube, TikTok and Facebook accounts to help her better understand this culture and what her clients reference. She doesn’t play the video game Minecraft or games such as Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: The Gathering, but she’s aware of what the games are because younger populations often play them. Knowing about current social media trends will help clinicians better understand the challenges this generation faces, she says. 

But counselors don’t necessarily have to be familiar with all the latest trends to build rapport with this population. It’s great if you are, DeMoya says, but what’s more important is showing up authentically in session. 

Making counseling more friendly for Gen Z 

Counselors can also adjust their clinical environment to make it more welcoming for Gen Z individuals. One simple change is to offer electronic communication options for making initial contact with the counselor or setting up an appointment. Bonfini has found that Gen Z clients are less likely to reach out via phone, and when they do call, they don’t say much beyond “I want to make an appointment” or “Call me back.” Secure messaging platforms, text messaging and online forms allow clients to go into more detail and explain why they are seeking counseling, their current schedule and the best way to get in touch with them, she says. 

Bellenbaum uses the app Talkroute, a virtual phone system, for her business because it allows clients to call and text her business line for scheduling purposes. Bellenbaum can also access this app on her laptop or phone, which makes it convenient for her as well. In her client intake packet, she stresses that texting is only for scheduling issues because she cannot guarantee confidentiality through text, but she likes having this option because she knows Gen Z clients are more likely to text than to call. 

Bellenbaum mentions the importance of counselors having office décor that clients can relate to. She has tailored her space to the Gen Z age group by having modern décor with comfortable chairs, blankets, pillows and inviting colors. She also keeps fidgets and snacks in her office in case clients want them. Bellenbaum says her clients often notice and comment on how they like her wall color or décor.

DeMoya’s goal is to create a therapeutic environment that feels like two friends hanging out in a living room. She invites clients to bring in their own coffee or snacks, and she also keeps drinks and snacks in her office. She tells clients to sit where they feel most comfortable — whether that’s on the couch with their feet up or on the floor — and DeMoya will join them in sitting on the floor if they ask her to. 

Bellenbaum also knows that, as digital natives, Gen Z clients prefer electronic forms over paper ones, so she has made all her paperwork electronic and uses an electronic health record. In fact, she doesn’t even keep a filing cabinet in her office. “A big piece of working with Gen Z [is using] … what works for them,” Bellenbaum says. 

If clinicians use a lot of paper worksheets and homework assignments, there is a good chance the forms will be lost or not filled out, Bellenbaum says, so she finds electronic copies more useful. She also suggests counselors get creative in how they incorporate electronic therapeutic techniques. For example, she may ask clients to keep a thought journal on a note app on their phone, and she often recommends that they use apps such as Calm or Headspace when they are working on mindfulness techniques. When she has assignments for clients, Bellenbaum may give them an electronic worksheet, have them take a picture of a worksheet on their phone or email them a link to a counseling exercise because she says they are more likely to engage with the activity if it can be accessed electronically. 

Samson also uses therapeutic apps with her clients. For instance, she sometimes recommends that clients who are struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder use the GG OCD app, which converts CBT techniques into short games that challenge intrusive thoughts and promote positive self-talk. 

DeMoya has learned that many Gen Z clients prefer counseling approaches such as mindfulness and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) that allow them to be in the moment targeting specific issues. When doing bilateral stimulation as part of EMDR, DeMoya gets creative to keep these clients engaged. For example, she gives clients who are musically inclined drumsticks, sets a metronome and has them drum to the beat, or she may have a client use boxing gloves and punch left and right for bilateral simulation.

“Generation Z is all about experiences,” DeMoya says. “If you can make the counseling [process] … something that touches all of their core senses — sight, sound, touch, taste, smell — and you can create something that is an experience in the counseling room, that’s how you’re going to get a whole lot of momentum from them.”

“They’re so stimulated in every area of their life,” she adds. So, “the counseling session has to be something that engages them in multiple, different levels.”

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Considering developmental and generational factors

Counselors know Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development well, and they often think about how a client’s life stage (say as a teenager or emerging adult) might be affecting their mental health. But should counselors also consider the generation that a client belongs to? 

Amber Samson, a licensed clinical professional counselor in College Park, Maryland, thinks counselors should consider both. From a life-stage approach, counselors can reflect on what it was like to be an adolescent and emerging adult and how they are thinking about issues socially, she says. And from a generational perspective, counselors “can see the unique challenges that Gen Z clients face with communication and the constant access they have to their peers, which heightens the judgment and pressure they feel at this age.” 

Jayna Bonfini, a licensed professional counselor in McMurray, Pennsylvania, and a counselor educator, agrees that it’s important for counselors to be aware of how generational factors affect clients’ mental health and development. Drawing from psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner’s bioecological theory of development, which argues that human development is a transactional process in which surrounding environmental context shapes an individual’s development, she points out that one’s sociopolitical time influences one’s development. Every generation faces different environmental and societal factors, and Bonfini argues that with increasing technology and climate change, Gen Z is dealing with a lot of issues and crises that previous generations didn’t have to think about in the same way.

At the same time, counselors must guard against pigeonholing clients based on “membership” in any particular generation. “A big hurdle that we can all get into as humans is looking at the next generation and automatically putting them in boxes [e.g., boomers are selfish, millennials are entitled, Gen Z is antisocial], and it [often] comes into the counseling session,” says Nichole DeMoya, a licensed mental health counselor in Jacksonville, Florida.

DeMoya encourages clinicians to be aware of their generational biases and to make sure that they do not intrude on their work with clients. It’s easy to criticize, blame and label, she notes, so Gen Z clients often want to know if they have credibility with their counselor and if their worries and concerns are going to be taken seriously.

 

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Lindsey Phillips is the senior editor for Counseling Today. Contact her at lphillips@counseling.org.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Growing percentage of American adults are living single

By Bethany Bray December 1, 2021

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A growing share of American adults are living the single life.

The Pew Research Center found that in 2019, 38% of American adults between the ages of 25 and 54 were not married or living with a romantic partner. This number has increased significantly in the past two decades, with only 29% being unpartnered in 1990. While this population includes individuals who are divorced, separated or widowed, an increasing portion have never been married.

The number of married adults fell from 67% to 53% between 1990 and 2019, and the percentage of people who were cohabitating with a partner rose slightly from 4% to 9%. Also, the share of adults who have never been married jumped from 17% to 33% during that time period.

Men are more likely to be unpartnered than women, Pew reports. However, the one exception to this rule is among Black women, with 62% of Black women and 55% of Black men living without a spouse or romantic partner.

Overall, the race and ethnicity breakdown for Americans ages 25 to 54 who were unpartnered in 2019 was as follows:

  • 59% of Black adults
  • 38% of Hispanics
  • 33% of whites
  • 29% of Asians

This evolution of Americans’ living arrangements has also laid bare the financial and other disparities that exist between coupled and single adults. Pew found that adults who live without a partner earn less (on average) than coupled adults, are less likely to finish a bachelor’s degree and are more likely to be financially unstable or unemployed. Single adults’ median salary is $14,000 less than coupled adults, Pew reports.

These statistics create many questions for the counseling profession, including the emotional and relational needs that might arise among single individuals, says Katherine M. Hermann-Turner, an associate professor in the Department of Counseling & Psychology at Tennessee Technological University whose doctoral cognate was in couples and family counseling.

“Many counselors are likely seeing unpartnered clients or family members of unpartnered individuals for services, but what do we know about the stressors of this demographic? … The first step is [for counselors to have an] awareness that this is a growing demographic,” says Hermann-Turner, a past president of the Association for Adult Development and Aging, a division of ACA. “My antenna as a counselor, particularly someone who operates from a systems perspective and relational-cultural theory framework, goes to the potential increased need for emotional connection for unpartnered individuals rather than the economic stressors faced by this demographic.”

In addition to the financial and economic disparities, Pew also found that unpartnered adults were more likely to be living with their parents than adults who are married or cohabitating. Thirty-one percent of unpartnered men and 24% of unpartnered women lived with at least one parent in 2019, which is much higher than that statistic for partnered adults (2% for both men and women).

Hermann-Turner notes that this information raises further questions about what clients who fall into this demographic might need when working with a professional counselor.

“Are these individuals substituting the support of their family of origin for partnership or reliance on external systems of support (i.e., romantic partnership)?,” she asks. “If so, why is this the route for many individuals given the typical complexity of a family system? Is this evidence of an earlier lack of career guidance? Underdeveloped relational skills? If so, how can we as counselors begin to intervene earlier and develop these skills in a younger population? Should we be reconceptualizing family counseling to include an emphasis on adult children and their parents? … I am intentionally avoiding the ‘chicken or egg’ argument and pondering the possibility that enmeshed family systems have intentionally stunted one child’s ability for emotional independence as a way to serve the needs of the parents.”

Olga Strelnikova/Shutterstock.com

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What do you think? How might these demographic shifts affect the work counselors do with clients? How should the profession adapt to help clients and meet their needs?

Add your thoughts in the comment section below.

 

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Read more from the Pew Research Center: https://pewrsr.ch/3DeLtrm

 

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Starting post-college life in a pandemic

By Bethany Bray August 3, 2020

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Spring 2020 college graduates have emerged into a world turned upside down by COVID-19. The job prospects and post-college lifestyles these graduates were imagining for themselves just a few months ago are today largely nonexistent.

Unprecedented seems to be the buzzword of the season, notes Roseanne Bensley, assistant director of New Mexico State University’s (NMSU’s) Center for Academic Advising and Student Support. The coronavirus pandemic has affected everything from relationships to career planning for new graduates.

“It’s not one part of their life, it’s every part of their life,” Bensley says. “Employers have uncertainty and don’t know, day to day, when things will lift. … No one has enough information to give answers. This is new territory for employers and job searchers.”

However, Bensley would like to add a second buzzword to the class of 2020’s lexicon: resiliency. As she points out, these students, many of whom had to unexpectedly finish their senior year coursework online, can claim an advantage when it comes to adaptability and comfort with technology.

Because of COVID-19, “New jobs and new ways of doing business are opening up. This is going to cause a new wave of change, and [employers] may not be going back to the way it was,” Bensley says. “These students are ahead of the curve. … They will be resilient with what they’ve learned.”

At a loss

Licensed professional counselor (LPC) Patricia Anderson recently worked with a new college grad who was experiencing a resurgence of anxiety this past spring during the pandemic. The young woman had switched jobs, and the restrictions associated with COVID-19 meant that she was unable to meet any of her new co-workers in person. Her entire hiring and onboarding process had been completed via video and electronic communication. She had also recently moved into her own apartment and begun living away from her family for the first time.

The client was stressed out, anxious, and struggling with her self-confidence, recalls Anderson, an American Counseling Association member who has a private practice in the Georgetown section of Washington D.C. In working through her feelings in counseling, it became clear that the young woman — an extrovert by nature — was experiencing grief over the large-scale absence of social connection, both at work and in her personal life.

During the pandemic, the client had stopped using an online dating platform. This resulted in her experiencing a sense of loss regarding opportunities to meet people and a decrease in the confidence she normally gained through interacting with dates and new relationships. Anderson worked with the client to establish a self-care plan that included making time for hobbies and exercise, as well as maintaining social contacts and reconnecting with friends with whom she had lost touch.

Anderson also focused on boosting the client’s confidence and equipped her with strategies for keeping her self-talk from becoming self-critical. In addition, Anderson helped the client recognize that what she was feeling was grief, which can arrive in waves. Together, they connected some of the client’s feelings to family-of-origin issues that were contributing to her stress.

Anderson also helped the client focus on the reality that her current situation wouldn’t last forever. “We talked about things she can look forward to in the future: going back to online dating, figuring out a new normal, looking forward to meeting colleagues face-to-face, planning a trip, and working on another business opportunity,” Anderson says. “Time spent away [from dating] had eroded the confidence she once had and had kicked up her anxiety. Staying ‘in the game’ can be beneficial for some [clients]. It’s a way to get to know themselves and push themselves socially.”

Many of Anderson’s clients are young professionals, current college students or recent graduates. Throughout the spring and summer, many of these clients have been wrestling with feelings of loss, she says. This includes the loss of rites of passage such as graduation ceremonies and in-person celebrations, the loss of internships and immediate job prospects and, for some, the seeming loss of entire career plans.

“Their world and their [sense of] structure have been upended, and they’re not really knowing which direction to move in,” Anderson says. “Some days, they feel like, ‘OK, I got this,’ and then other days, they have doubts about ‘Where am I going?’ The floor dropped out of what they thought was going to happen. … They have anxiety over the fact that everything got pulled out from underneath them, and now they don’t have a road map.”

It is vitally important that counselors first help these clients process their feelings of loss before trying to guide them to reconsider their job options or life path, Anderson says. Among the most consequential actions counselors can take are to listen to, validate and normalize the emotions that these young adults are feeling in the wake of COVID-19.

“Be with the client where they are,” Anderson says. “If they’re unable to go with a job that didn’t happen or was rescinded, really sit with them in that space before opening up and looking at the possibilities of ‘what else?’ It’s difficult to do that until they know that you understand them and where they’re coming from.”

All feelings of loss should be treated as real and valid, Anderson says, even if clients themselves express guilt over feeling that way or dismiss those feelings as being trivial when the world is facing weightier issues. For example, some graduates may still be dealing with disappointment that they missed out on a final chance to take a spring break trip with friends or weren’t able to study abroad because of the coronavirus. Counselors should reassure these clients that it is OK to have these feelings and then give them space to talk about it, she emphasizes.

“[Help them] know that they’re not alone and that it totally makes sense to struggle right now. They also may be scared at feeling unsettled, which may be a new feeling for them,” explains Anderson, who does contract work for the QuarterLife Center, a Washington, D.C., therapy office that specializes in working with young professionals in their 20s and 30s.

In addition to normalizing feelings, Anderson has been providing clients with psychoeducation on self-care, the nonlinear aspects of grief, and the importance of maintaining social supports and a structured daily schedule. She checks with clients to ensure they are staying connected with friends and family via technology and that they are equipped with coping mechanisms such as meditation and self-reflection exercises. She also asks if they are eating well, engaging in physical activity, getting outside, and taking part in other wellness-focused activities.

As Anderson’s clients talk in sessions, she listens for hopeful language that might indicate they are ready to rethink their futures. “I try to help them broaden their scope a little, if they’re ready for it. I let them talk about what they need to talk about, but then spend some time looking at other pieces of what else might be possible. [I] try and get them out of their heads just a little bit,” Anderson says, “because if I [as a client] always thought I was going to be a dentist, and come to find out that I’m not going to be a dentist, I have to grieve. But at the same time, maybe there are some things that free me up about not being a dentist.”

“If you can create a trusting relationship with a [client],” she says, “they know that you understand them, and we can explore all kinds of things, whether they [previously] seemed unrealistic or not.”

Rethinking career plans

Flexibility must be the watchword for recent graduates who are looking for jobs, says Lynn Downie, associate director of career and professional development at Presbyterian College in South Carolina. In her work with undergraduates and alumni of the small, rural college, Downie is finding that those who had a “hard and set, defined path” in mind, such as entering the health care or hospitality industries straight out of school, are struggling most.

Those who are currently seeking jobs can benefit greatly from the guidance and encouragement provided by a counselor, says Downie, who recently finished a two-year term as president of the National Employment Counseling Association (NECA), a division of ACA. “Give them reassurance that things haven’t changed completely. Highlight [the idea] that pathways to a particular goal aren’t always the same. There are other distinct pathways,” she says.

Downie is helping her clients identify workarounds as they adjust their perspectives to become more flexible and less discouraged by rejection letters or the idea of taking a job that might not have appealed to them previously. Some of her clients have readjusted their career plans to take entry-level or short-term work in positions or fields they wouldn’t have considered six months ago. Others have pivoted to opportunities in national service programs such as AmeriCorps.

Downie, a member of ACA, also reminds recent graduates that they just need to find a fit for right now. That doesn’t mean their long-term career goals have to change. “Help [these clients] realize that they’re not making a choice for the rest of their lives when they choose a job, or [especially] their first job,” she says. “Their life is going to be full of all kinds of pivots. Some are planned and some are unplanned and forced. There is a big arc from 18 to 65 or retirement age. … You can [still] have aspirational goals that are for down the line.”

Downie has worked with several business students who had hoped to go into health care administration, but because the industry is so in flux currently, there aren’t many administration jobs open at the entry level. With these students and graduates, Downie has focused on ways that their administration skills could be used in alternative settings, such as nonprofit, community development or public health organizations. Another tactic is taking lower-paid medical aide or assistant jobs in settings that are currently short-staffed (such as nursing homes) and that do not necessarily require special certification. As Downie points out, even working as a contact tracer as part of the COVID-19 virus response — a job that didn’t exist six months ago — could help these new graduates gain experience.

Similarly, a job in pharmaceutical or medical sales could provide these graduates with valuable exposure. “They would still be interacting with those in the medical field, instead of applying for jobs that don’t exist,” she points out.

Bensley notes that going with a “Plan B” job in a field or setting that a graduate didn’t originally intend to work in can demonstrate to other potential employers that the graduate possesses a good work ethic and thinks outside the box. She also urges students and recent graduates to widen their searches to consider temporary, freelance or even gig work instead of focusing solely on full-time employment.

“[A first job] may not be professional, but it’s work, and [the individual] can be introduced to people through that work,” Bensley says. “It also tells a [future] employer that you’re a hustler and not waiting for the golden egg to show up.”

When counseling clients who are rethinking their career plans, Downie finds it helpful to have them identify a theme they feel drawn to and then consider various types of work that fit that theme. For example, a graduate who enjoys building relationships can use that skill in any number of job settings. They might start out in sales but advance to building teams as a manager or even pivot to cultivating client relationships as a professional counselor.

“Find a theme for your life — that one thing you cling to, what you’re good at,” Downie tells her clients. “You can work on that in all types of settings. A core skill can translate into different fields, and sticking with it will give you a sense of continuity and purpose.”

Networking during a pandemic

Bensley often tells students at NMSU to think of how professional athletes are handling the pandemic: Their season may be on hold or even canceled, but they’re continuing to stay in shape.

“Just because the competitive side of their sport has stopped, they’re not watching Netflix for 10 hours a day. They are still keeping their skill set up, working out, training and preparing,” Bensley observes.

That same philosophy should apply to career planning during the pandemic, she emphasizes. Now is the time for job candidates to put even more energy into enriching themselves and expanding their professional networks.

“Don’t limit your strategy to just sending out résumés and waiting for a response,” urges Bensley, an instructor for the global career development facilitator credential through NECA. “While employers may have slowed down their original hiring plans, it does not mean that a candidate should also slow down. If anything, it means you might need to work harder at following employers on LinkedIn, reviewing their homepages and [thoroughly] reading job postings to determine if you have the skill set that employers require.”

Bensley suggests it is also the perfect time for recent graduates to flip the usual dynamic and reach out to interview professionals who are already working in their desired field. Job seekers can identify contacts through LinkedIn or other networks and ask if these professionals have 20 minutes to talk about their job or industry.

Bensley urges students and recent graduates to start with professors and mentors whom they already know or have worked with. They can then use those connections to secure introductions to other professionals in their desired field. Those professionals can recommend still others they would recommend connecting with, and so on, in a widening circle, Bensley says.

Professionals are especially open to such requests right now because many are working from home and are free from in-person meetings, conferences and business travel engagements. In many ways, motivated students and recent graduates currently have a “captive audience,” she says.

“This shows curiosity and a desire to learn about your craft, gets your name out there, and helps you evolve and have insights on what they [professionals] consider to be important,” Bensley says. “If an employer said, ‘We really value teamwork,’ there’s a hint: Everything [you might say in a job interview] should be focused on teamwork. Instead of saying, ‘I did X,” say, ‘We did X.’ That can be the small percentage you need to get ahead — understanding the value system of the employer because you’ve talked to them about it.”

Forward vision

As counselors offer support and reassurance to recent graduates and young professionals struggling to adjust to personal and professional lives upended by COVID-19, here are some important points to keep in mind:

>>  Focus on listening. Downie urges counselors to slowly ease in to therapeutic or career work with these clients. She often opens her sessions with a question: “What do you want to talk about today?” With so many concerns currently weighing on these clients, their answers might be unexpected and diverge entirely from the topics they have discussed in session previously, she says.

“Give them the floor to talk about whatever they want. We [counselors] always have to be good listeners, but now as we’re isolated, there’s a real temptation to give advice,” Downie says. “What is needed now, during this crisis, is to listen — listen more and not give advice. That’s been essential. Students who were slow to open up to begin with now need additional time to be comfortable. We need to build [therapeutic] relationships but also step back and allow for quiet. Right now, there’s so much chatter, [clients] need time to catch their breath before speaking.”

>> Consider the whole picture. College students and recent graduates may unexpectedly find themselves living at home and navigating family stressors, Downie notes. Regardless of the presenting issue that brings these clients to counseling, counselors should ask questions that will help them understand clients’ situations in full. Downie says she has worked with students who have needed to finish college coursework while sharing a computer with family members or to conduct their entire job search on a cellphone. Others found themselves scrambling to secure temporary work — long before they expected to start a career — to supplement household income because their parents had been laid off.

“When students went home and courses went online, family structures were being upended,” Downie says. “It took an emotional toll. … The level of stress has been enormous, even from day one” of the pandemic.

Some students and recent graduates have expressed feeling pressure from parents about their job searches or life choices (even if parents haven’t necessarily voiced those concerns) that they wouldn’t have felt living on campus. Counselors should be mindful that living at home adds an entirely new dynamic to these clients’ experiences, Downie says.

Administrators at Presbyterian College, including Downie, split up the student body roster and called every student to check in through the spring semester. This endeavor confirmed a saying that Downie had been hearing from colleagues: “We’re all in the same storm but not in the same boat.” The needs and stressors that students were experiencing varied widely, depending on their circumstances, she says.

“Really quickly, I realized the truth of that saying. For some, doors opened that weren’t there before. There were some who found themselves with new opportunities, yet their best friends were experiencing a very different [reality],” she explains.

>> Make clients the authors of a story in progress: Tina Leboffe, an ACA member and a counselor pursuing licensure under supervision at a therapy practice in Douglassville, Pennsylvania, uses narrative therapy with clients, many of whom are college students concerned about finding a job after graduation. “I see my clients as the meaning-makers in their own lives. When working with loss [related to the COVID-19 pandemic], I feel that it is important to walk with the client as they tell the story of their experience, while supporting their exploration of what they want this loss to mean for their life story. This can look like allowing space for the client to be present in feeling the emotions caused by loss and also to look forward at what they want their lives to look like as a result of the loss,” says Leboffe, an associate addiction counselor.

“When working with a client to refocus and reimagine their future, we can listen as they add context to their story,” she says. “Despite the setting of their story shifting, the client is still the author. We can support our clients as they integrate a new reality into their life story by asking questions that refocus on the client being the expert of their life. As counselors, we might not be able to change the job market, but we can guide our clients in an exploration of what they want their life to look like given the changes that have occurred. We can assist them in identifying decisions they want to make in the face of change.”

>> Seize the opportunity to explore identity: Leboffe and Anderson both note that while this is a time of stress and upheaval for young clients, it can also afford opportunities for personal growth. Counselors can help support and encourage that process.

“This is a good time for them to learn about themselves, learn about what their values are and what is important to them. … [It is] a time to explore their internal world and let them find out what their 22-year-old self is like,” Anderson says. “How are they with stress? How do they handle ambiguity? How are they capable and able to move forward and readjust in such a difficult time? Giving them space to talk allows them to process [these things].”

“In my experience working with young adults and recent grads — and being one myself not long ago — I have found that this time in their lives can be filled with identity exploration and transition,” Leboffe says. “They may be faced with new levels of independence and responsibility that can evoke questions like ‘What do I want my life to look like?’ or ‘Who do I want to be?’ This can be important to keep in mind as we work with or parent recent grads because it can serve as underlying context to help us be empathetic to their lived experiences while they are developing their sense
of identity.”

>> Remember that productivity is relative. Anderson has found it helpful to remind young clients that even though they’re spending much more time at home, they may need to temper their expectations about productivity.

“This shouldn’t be a time when you plan to be super productive. That’s hard to do when you’re going through something so emotional and so taxing,” Anderson tells clients. “It’s not a time to learn six new languages, clean your entire house or finish a major art project. Instead, focus on what works for you. What are things that calm you and help you [that] you can do routinely? Be less hard on yourself. At the same time, it’s a great time to try something new if you have the motivation to.”

>> Build confidence. Bensley urges counselors to focus on the positive when communicating with college students and recent graduates during the pandemic. “The No. 1 thing we can do for clients is help build their confidence,” Bensley says. “The tone of my emails has been, ‘Hey, you’ve got this. I’m cheering you on.’ I’m trying to use my language to be that [needed] encouragement, even if they don’t ask for it or seem to need it.”

>> Take them seriously. Transitioning to adulthood is hard enough without the added concerns and stresses of COVID-19. Validation from a counselor is pivotal during this time of life, Anderson says.

“Take their concerns seriously. We know in general that people will land on their feet and things will turn out OK as they make their way in the world. [But] they need to be held in the emotional space where they are right now,” Anderson says. “Moving into adulthood is really hard. It can be a very tumultuous time — and one that promotes growth.”

“[These clients’] struggles and needs are serious,” she continues. “Figuring out dating, jobs and social stuff — it’s all important. Stay with them in their space and create that [trusting] relationship. Know that their concerns are valid, even if we have all the confidence in them in the world that they’re going to figure this out. They really are worried that they’re not going to figure this out in the right way. And that’s valid [because] they haven’t been here before.”

 

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Entering the counseling profession amid COVID-19

Graduates from counseling programs certainly aren’t immune to the stresses and uncertainties that 2020 graduates in other fields are facing.

Darius Green graduated from James Madison University (JMU) with a doctorate in counselor education in May. Green says that he and many other counseling graduates feel the pressure of finding jobs that can provide financial stability “rather than being able to choose what positions best fit [our] personal and professional goals.”

“I do not come from a background of financial privilege, so this rose to the top of my priorities,” says Green, a member of the American College Counseling Association, a division of ACA. “I [have] noticed a mix of success and difficulty among some of my peers in the job search process. For those who started early and found a position that matched what they were looking for, the process seemed easy. For my peers who had not been able to start searching early or just had not found the ideal position, there seemed to be more difficulty. … I struggled with finding a position that I wanted and carried out my job search longer than I had planned.”

This summer, Green is living in Harrisonburg, Virginia, where JMU is located, holding down both a full-time instructional faculty position with JMU’s Learning Centers Department and working part time as a counselor with the ARROW Project, a community mental health organization roughly 30 miles away in Staunton.

Green hopes that in this time of crisis, professional counselors who are already established will remember the role they play as advocates for the profession and will look out for new counseling graduates trying to enter the field.

“I think that counselors who are already working can be aware and sensitive to how stressful being in such a position [graduating during a pandemic] can be. I also feel as if counselors can advocate within their agencies or communities to do our part in making sure that existing opportunities are made known to recent graduates,” Green says. “That could include reaching out to counseling faculty members to share information or even connecting with colleagues who may know of new counseling graduates in need.”

“One thing that I would want [counselors] to keep in mind is that not everyone has connections to others in the counseling profession and other mental health fields,” he continues. “Some students come from backgrounds that may have lacked opportunities for networking or that may not value the mental health professions. I think it would be important to pay particularly close attention to those students so that they do not fall through the cracks or face another layer of oppression.”

 

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Bethany Bray is a senior writer and social media coordinator for Counseling Today. Contact her at bbray@counseling.org.

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Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.