Tag Archives: LGBTQ Issues

LGBTQ Issues

LGBTQ issues across the life span

By Laurie Meyers March 24, 2017

The specific biological mechanisms that underpin how people develop as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning or queer (LGBTQ) are still undiscovered, but what many researchers have determined is that neither sexual/affectional orientation nor gender identity is a choice. Rather, they are innate, unchangeable parts of who a person is, much like skin color.

And like people of color, LGBTQ individuals regularly encounter significant prejudice throughout their lives. This stigma can make life’s typical slings and arrows all the more painful. Although tremendous progress has been made in LGBTQ rights in the past few decades, counselors must still work to understand the barriers that these clients face across all stages of the life span.

“Growing up in any marginalized group can cause issues surrounding identity,” says Misty Ginicola, the lead editor of the new book Affirmative Counseling With LGBTQI+ People, published by the American Counseling Association. “For LGBTQI+ persons” — referring to individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexual/polysexual or two-spirited — “the unique identity surrounds not only who they bond with and are attracted to, but very often also their own gender identity and expression. Rather than having their differences be celebrated, unfortunately, LGBTQI+ people commonly grow up in an environment where they internalize very early on that their differences are taboo or undesirable, particularly if they grow up in a disaffirming religious context. Being marginalized also puts a person at greater risk of experiences of trauma and bias incidents, which impacts how safe a person is in any given context.”

Growing up LGBTQ

In general, experts are finding that children and adolescents are growing more comfortable with coming out at an early age, according to Ginicola, a professor of counseling and school psychology and coordinator of the clinical mental health counselor program at Southern Connecticut State University. If this coming-out process transpires in a supportive and affirmative environment, it can help LGBTQ students to form a strong sense of self and establish healthy relationships, she notes. However, in many cases, these individuals face significant stigma from an early age.

“Being LGBTQ in school requires continuous negotiations between authenticity, connection, safety and health,” explains Colton Brown, a member of the Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues in Counseling (ALGBTIC), a division of ACA. “Students may find themselves in unsupportive or even hostile environments.”

ALGBTIC President Tonya Hammer notes that physical, emotional and verbal bullying of LGBTQ students begins as early as elementary school or even prekindergarten. “While physical bullying, particularly that which results in injury and at times death, is prevalent and probably the most talked about since it makes the news sometimes, the cyberbullying and the emotional and mental bullying that take place can often be just as harmful … if at times not more so,” she says.

LGBTQ individuals may be subject to bullying across the life span, but the experience of being bullied can be particularly devastating when it occurs early in a person’s life, says Hammer, an assistant professor of counseling and coordinator of the counseling program at Oklahoma State University. “The power of language and words to inflict damage — especially on children — is often dismissed,” she says.

Insults and taunts — long a staple of playgrounds and classrooms — have found an additional and often particularly vicious arena in cyberspace, warns Hammer, whose research focus includes both bullying and the intersection of gender and sexual/affectional orientation. “Cyberbullying — from Instagram to Snapchat — is only growing and, unfortunately, much harder to address and remedy,” she says. “If physical bullying takes place on school grounds, counselors, teachers and administrators have the capability to take action. However, much of cyberbullying takes place outside of their purview, as well as that of parents, and often goes unnoticed by adults.”

Transgender students are particularly at risk for bullying, stigma and rejection, says Brown, a counselor in the college clinic at the University of Central Oklahoma and a doctoral student in counseling psychology at Oklahoma State University. “Transgender students often face difficulty with coming out because their authentic selves are typically much more visible than [that of] LGBQ students,” he notes. “These students face bathroom and locker room barriers that may come from peers, teachers, administrators and even state policies.” Transgender students also may be excluded from participating in many extracurricular activities such as sports teams because of their gendered nature, he says.

Brown points out that these painful exclusions are happening during a crucial developmental period when adolescents are typically learning how to form various emotional bonds. Transgender and other LGBQ adolescents “may be looking for friendship or romance but can be met with rejection [instead],” he says.

Further complicating matters for many transgender adolescents is that they may not be able to fully establish their personal identities. Those who wish to transition medically need parental support until they are 18, Brown explains.

But transgender students are not the only members of the LGBTQ community who face unique barriers in coming out and finding community, Brown says. Bisexual youth also often find themselves struggling for acceptance and a sense of belonging, not just among heterosexual, cisgender students, but also within the greater LGBTQ community, he says.

“Bisexual people are generally defined by who they are dating at a given time,” Brown explains. “For example, if a male student is dating a female student, then [he is] assumed to be heterosexual. If that same male student is dating a male student, the script flips, and he is now considered gay. Students do not often consider that this student may actually be bisexual. These perceptions can result in these students not feeling ‘straight enough’ for the heterosexual kids or ‘gay enough’ for the gay kids.”

“Bisexual students are in this middle ground in which they may be left without a close-knit group unless they find other bisexual students,” Brown continues. “These students may also struggle more with coming out due to the continued pressure to define themselves outside of who they are or are not dating. Other students also internalize monosexist messages from adults, media and culture and may harass or discriminate against bisexual students. These factors can result in bisexual students feeling shame and may result in internalized biphobia.”

The potential rejection and lack of support may lead LGBTQ children and youth as a whole to be wary of being their authentic selves with friends, teachers, parents and counselors, Ginicola says. “They may also attempt to hide this identity from romantic partners before they have accepted their affectional orientation or come out to others,” she continues. “In this context, identity development in adolescence is disturbed, particularly if they experience rejection.”

A safe space

The good news is that counselors can help bridge the acceptance gap for LGBTQ youth.

“Counselors can create a safe space by a variety of means,” Hammer says. “It can be as simple as displaying an HRC [Human Rights Campaign] ‘equal’ sign in their office or a small rainbow flag somewhere. I know that sounds minor, but small symbols can signify something to students.”

“It is also a matter of having resources available,” she says. “GLSEN [formerly the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network] has a resource called Safe Space Kit that provides curriculum, activities and also stickers that can be displayed which indicate that your office is a safe space. Additionally, counselors can provide programming that is LGBT inclusive or sponsor organizations like a Gay-Straight Alliance. There are activities or weeks that counselors can help organize, such as No Name-Calling Week, Ally Week and Day of Silence.”

When meeting with students, school counselors can create supportive environments by using language that does not assume a student is attracted to any particular sex, Brown says. “This can let students know that you are open to them sharing that information when they are ready,” he says. “School counselors can also be sure to have pamphlets and information sources that include LGBTQ issues and use these examples if they present to classes. Counselors can also include LGBTQ sensitivity training in any presentation they may give to faculty and staff so that the supportive environment may be spread.”

GLSEN has been tracking the school experience of LGBTQ students since 1999 through its National School Climate Survey. Although the survey has shown an improvement in awareness and acceptance of LGBTQ students in schools, significant harassment and discrimination still exist, particularly in relation to transgender students. The 2015 survey found that 85.7 percent of LGBTQ students heard negative remarks from their peers specifically about transgender people, whereas 65.3 percent heard negative remarks from teachers and other school staff members. The survey also found that 22.2 percent of transgender students had been prevented from wearing clothing considered inappropriate based on their legal sex, while 60 percent of transgender students had been required to use a bathroom or locker room of their legal sex.

In late February, President Trump rescinded a 2016 directive issued by President Obama that ordered schools to allow transgender students the use of bathrooms that match their gender identity. The battle reached the Supreme Court with G.G. v. Gloucester County School Board, in which Gavin Grimm, a transgender boy, filed suit against the Virginia school board alleging that it violated Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 by denying him the use of the boys’ restroom. On March 2, in a development indicative of growing support for transgender individuals, 53 major businesses signed on to a “friend of the court” brief in support of Grimm. However, the case ultimately was sent back to a lower court.

School counselors can play a critical role in supporting the rights of transgender students, Brown says. “School counselors can help advocate for and with transgender students through engaging in school policy discussions and promoting fair bathroom, locker room and athletic policies,” he urges. “They can also be outspoken against bullying of transgender students and assist other school professionals with stopping bullying. Importantly, school counselors can also support transgender students simply by using [these students’] identified names and gender pronouns. Although this seems small, many students are not supported in this way, and acknowledging [their] true selves can help foster their development.”

Brown also encourages school counselors to educate themselves about the multiple identities that fall under the transgender umbrella, such as gender-queer (individuals who do not identify with conventional gender distinctions, such as solely male or female, but instead identify with both or neither) and gender-fluid (individuals whose gender identification fluctuates over time).

Hammer adds that the Southern Poverty Law Center and its Teaching Tolerance program provides materials for schools that focus not only on LGBTQ identity issues but also ethnicity and racism. “It is important to remember that our cultural identity, no matter what our affectional/sexual orientation, is made up of so much more,” she says. “The intersection of our ethnicity, age, religious and/or spiritual orientation, gender, affectional/sexual orientation, where we live, etc., are all important factors to consider when working with a client. As a counselor, you should not ignore any aspect of a client’s culture. For example, the intersection of affectional/sexual orientation with a person’s religious and/or spiritual identity can either be a source of support and comfort for someone, or possibly a source of rejection and trauma.”

As always, Hammer says, the most important thing to focus on when working with LGBTQ students is the counselor-client relationship. “Listen to them with respect and treat them with dignity and not as if they are abnormal,” she says. “Let them know that they matter — to you, to their families and to the world.”

Working for a living

One of the hallmarks of adulthood is the ability to support oneself, which typically means going to work, notes ACA member Larry Burlew, whose research specialties include issues around adult development, gay men and career development. However, work can be an uncertain and sometimes hostile place for LGBTQ individuals, Burlew says.

For instance, those who are LGBTQ often have no legal protections against discrimination in the workplace, says Burlew, a counselor educator who is retired from full-time teaching and is currently an affiliate professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology in Washington, D.C. There is no federal anti-discrimination protection for LGBTQ individuals, and only 20 states and the District of Columbia prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.

“It’s easy for them to be dismissed from work without necessarily a good reason,” says Burlew, who was also a licensed professional counselor with a small private practice for almost 30 years.

Even if a workplace is not actively hostile, there may be what Burlew calls a “lavender ceiling” — an environment of subtle but pervasive anti-LGBTQ discrimination. So when LGBTQ individuals first enter the workplace or start a new job elsewhere, they are often dealing with a lot of unknowns, he says. As a result, some LGBTQ individuals decide not to come out or be out at work, choosing instead to keep that part of their identities very private, Burlew says. For LGBTQ individuals, this can require a delicate balancing act between developing and keeping social workplace connections and not fully revealing who they are, he continues.

Even those individuals who are fully out at work often still find themselves managing perceptions, Burlew says. “I think that LGBTQ workers get very creative about how to be successful. When you get to an organization, you get creative about how to present who you are in a way that is acceptable to fellow workers,” he says. “[The question becomes], how do you introduce it in conversation?”

LGBTQ workers also have to determine how they will handle microaggressions, Burlew says. He adds that he has been in situations in which he had to decide whether it was safe to address certain comments and jokes that disparaged the LGBTQ community.

Concerns about how they might be perceived can even influence professional choice for LGBTQ individuals. “I’ve had [clients] throughout the years such as gay men who wanted to go into, say, construction and had fears about that,” Burlew says. He would have these clients visualize going to work in the environment that they feared and imagine how they would be received. Then he would talk with these clients about their fears and explore possible scenarios to help them build skills for dealing with problematic situations.

Burlew uses the example of a gay man working in project management at a construction site who hears that some of the workers have been making fun of him when he isn’t around. What are this man’s options? He has to decide whether he feels safe trying to change the environment (a process called an active adjustment) or if he will choose to change himself instead (a reactive adjustment).

In the case of an active adjustment, Burlew and the client would discuss the potential consequences of trying to change the workplace. They would then work on how to use assertive communication to address the problem. This might include having a conversation with the men making the jokes and saying something such as, “I’ve heard that you don’t want to work with me, and I was just wondering if it has anything to do with me being gay?” Burlew would help the client develop assertive communication skills through role-play and practicing what he wanted to say. Burlew and the client would repeat these techniques until the client felt comfortable addressing the problem on his own.

In the case of a reactive adjustment, Burlew would help the client reduce his stress level through systematic desensitization. He would do this by having the client talk about the incident in which he experienced the most stress. They would continue to “practice” the incident until the client could imagine the situation without feeling an undue level of stress.

Burlew and the client would also talk about avoiding work scenarios, if possible, that caused the client the most stress. If avoiding these situations was not possible, Burlew would help the client evaluate how to move forward by asking questions. Did the client need to stay in the position for his career? If so, for how long? Were other alternatives possible, such as pursuing additional education or staying with the company but taking another position?

Relationships and family

Life isn’t just about work, of course, but also about personal connections and family.

Young adults can sometimes struggle to establish intimacy, and Burlew says this can be even more of a challenge for LGBTQ individuals because they are often still trying to sort out who they are. They may not be fully out, even to themselves, he explains, which can delay establishing relationships. Then, as these young adults begin making connections in the LGBTQ community and start dating as LGBTQ individuals, additional challenges can arise.

“In addition to the bountiful issues that face heterosexual, cisgender couples, LGBTQI+ couples face [other] stressors from being marginalized,” Ginicola says. “Experiencing bias incidents, trauma and rejection from loved ones can add incredible stress to a relationship. It can be particularly traumatic to have people who are supposed to unconditionally love you — parents, family and your closest friends — disapprove of or reject your partnership while celebrating heterosexual relationships with showers, weddings and family pride.”

Problems can also arise if partners have different degrees of “outness.” As Ginicola explains, “If one person in the relationship is fully out to others, and one partner is not, this can cause additional struggles within the relationship, where one person may feel invalidated.”

In such cases, it is important for counselors to explore the reasons that one partner prefers to remain in the closet or less out, she says, paying particular attention to how each partner’s coming-out experience may have differed. The partner who fears being fully out may have come from a culture in which being LGBTQ was not just taboo but also put the individual at high risk for violence. Or the person may have grown up in a religious background that stridently disapproved of LGBTQ individuals, Ginicola explains. Counselors should also encourage the out partner to talk about how it feels for the relationship to be “hidden,” Ginicola says. By improving communication, counselors can often help these couples resolve their conflict in a way that works for each partner, she says.

Another area in which LGBTQ individuals and couples face significant barriers is family planning. “In some states and in most international adoptions, same-sex couples cannot adopt,” Ginicola points out. “Therefore, they may have to utilize expensive alternatives, such as artificial insemination or IVF [in vitro fertilization] or surrogacy.”

“Again, counselors should employ affirmative counseling techniques to support these individuals and partnerships,” she says. “Acknowledging the realities and struggles of being an LGBTQI+ couple or relationship is important, as is providing nonjudgmental support and connecting clients to resources that can help them with family planning that is specific to LGBTQI+ couples.”

Taking a toll

As individuals face the various struggles that are unique to being LGBTQ throughout childhood and into adulthood, it can take a significant toll on the body.

“The LGBTQI+ person is under much greater stress than is typical for a heterosexual, cisgender person,” Ginicola says. “If the person has intersectional identities that are also marginalized — ethnic minority, immigrant, differently abled — this stress will be exponentially increased. Although anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation are common as a result of this increased stress across the LGBTQI+ spectrum, the research indicates that each subpopulation experiences different physical and mental health problems.”

“For example,” she continues, “lesbian and bisexual women are more likely to be obese and are more likely to smoke. Gay men are more likely to experience eating disorders, including anorexia, drink excessively and use substances to cope, which impact their physical health.”

In addition to all of this, medical doctors aren’t always cognizant of how LGBTQ health needs might be different from the needs of their other patients, says ACA member Jane Rheineck, a past president of ALGBTIC. For example, she notes, gynecologists often offer lesbians — even out lesbians — birth control.

In addition, LGBTQ individuals often feel uncomfortable or unsafe disclosing in doctors’ offices, Rheineck says, which means that they may delay or even altogether avoid seeking health care. Counselors can help by educating LGBTQ clients about some of the unique risks that they face, but also by providing them with validation, support and empathy for these difficulties, she says.

“Psychoeducation surrounding minority stress, understanding why these negative coping factors are there, [and] recognizing and validating the stress that they experience is crucially important,” Ginicola says. “Cognitive behavior therapy can be helpful in this regard. [It involves looking] at how their inner self-talk and coping skills are moving them more toward their goals or further away.”

Ginicola says counselors can also help clients find LGBTQ-friendly health care through resources such as the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association’s website (glma.org), which has a provider finder.

Being older in a youth-obsessed society is not always easy, but being older and LGBTQ can be even more difficult, Ginicola asserts. Older LGBTQ adults are not only discriminated against in general society but can often find themselves marginalized within the LGBTQ community, she explains. “Therefore, they may experience bias incidents both inside and outside of their community,” she says.

Older LGBTQ adults were more likely to have come out in a hostile societal environment, says Christian Chan, a former family counselor and current doctoral candidate in counseling at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. This history of intense stigma and marginalization puts older LGBTQ adults at even greater risk for mental health issues such as depression and substance abuse, he notes. In addition, at a stage in life when health care issues may necessitate the need for long-term care, older LGBTQ adults are more likely to have a difficult time securing it because retirement communities and nursing homes often discriminate against those who are LGBTQ, Chan and Ginicola say.

Counselors can help this client population, but only if they are aware of the issues, says Chan, who serves as the student trustee for ALGBTIC and the member at large for outreach and advocacy for the Association for Adult Development and Aging, a division of ACA. He emphasizes the need for further training in counselor educator programs and beyond.

“[We should] focus on extending training on how to discuss sexuality, affectional [orientation] and gender identity in conversations and meaning-making around self-disclosure and coming out,” says Chan, who is also president of the Maryland Counseling Association. “It appears to me that many counselors are unsure about how to navigate these questions at large in counseling, which makes the counseling less culturally responsive to older LGBTQ adults.”

Chan urges individual counselors to help their LGBTQ clients build social support networks. “This is especially important in the sphere of redefining family for older LGBTQ adults,” notes Chan, who adds that the concept of family may need to be extended beyond the traditional definition for these clients.

Chan also points counselors toward organizations such as Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders (sageusa.org) and the National Resource Center on LGBT Aging (lgbtagingcenter.org) that specialize in helping older LGBTQ adults. AARP’s website (aarp.org) also contains a significant amount of information on LGBTQ issues.

Transgender individuals walk a particularly difficult and dangerous road throughout the life span, confronting widespread misunderstanding and discrimination and an extremely high likelihood of becoming victims of violence, Ginicola says.

“Trans persons, particularly trans women of color, face incredible bias both inside and outside of the LGBTQI+ community,” she says. “When a person transitions, their family and partner must transition with them, which may not always be possible. For example, a trans male, designated as female at birth, may have been in a relationship with a lesbian. When he transitions to male, his partner may experience identity issues and  difficulty in accepting a male as her partner. Transitioning can bring a transgender person such relief in terms of finally being able to be their authentic self, but at the same time, they are likely to experience rejection, bias incidents and discrimination within their personal and professional lives. This is why trans persons are also at the highest risk for suicide.”

Ginicola says that affirmative counseling is crucial to transgender — and, indeed, all LGBTQ — clients. “Affirmative counseling is truly about validating an identity,” she says, “while understanding the realities of being marginalized, building coping skills, connecting clients to affirming communities and making cultural accommodations.”

 

****

 

ACA Illuminate

The American Counseling Association will be holding Illuminate, an innovative counseling symposium focused on serving the needs of the LGBTQ community and those who work with members of this community, from June 8 to 10 in Washington, D.C.

Illuminate is a passion project for ACA President Catherine B. Roland, who has made LGBTQ issues one of her presidential initiatives. “The inspiration [for Illuminate] occurred many years ago and became real right after I was elected ACA president,” Roland says. “I knew that the marginalized population of the LGBTQ community, and the diversity and multiple identities within it, should be a focus of mental health treatment.”

Roland’s goal for Illuminate is to help more counselors and counselor educators gain a greater awareness of the needs of the LGBTQ community and learn how to offer the best care. She also hopes that the symposium will generate additional specific strategies for working with the population, families and career aspirations of LGBTQ adults across the life span.

For more information, visit counseling.org/illuminate. The deadline for early bird registration is April 7.

 

****

 

Additional resources

To learn more about the topics discussed in this article, take advantage of the following select resources offered by the American Counseling Association.

Journal articles (counseling.org/publications/counseling-journals)

  • “Long-Term Outcomes of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Recalled School Victimization” by Darrell C. Green, Paula J. Britton and Brian Fitts, Journal of Counseling & Development, December 2014
  • “I Am My Own Gender: Resilience Strategies of Trans Youth” by Anneliese A. Singh, Sarah E. Meng and Anthony W. Hansen, Journal of Counseling & Development, April 2014

Counseling Today (ct.counseling.org)

Practice briefs (counseling.org/knowledge-center/practice-briefs)

  • “Counseling People Living with HIV/AIDS” by Brandon Hunt
  • “LGBTQQ-Affirmative Counseling” by Anneliese Singh and Maru Gonzalez

Books & DVDs (counseling.org/publications/bookstore)

  • Affirmative Counseling With LGBTQI+ People edited by Misty M. Ginicola, Cheri Smith and Joel M. Filmore
  • Group Counseling With LGBTQI Persons by Kristopher M. Goodrich and Melissa Luke

Podcasts (counseling.org/knowledge-center/podcasts)

  • “Queer People of Color” with Adrienne N. Erby and Christian D. Chan
  • “Group Counseling With LGBTQI Persons” with Kristopher M. Goodrich and Melissa Luke
  • “Living Straight: Coming Out After 40” with Loren Olsen
  • “Counseling Queer* (LGBT) Youth” with Anneliese Singh

ACA divisions 

  • Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues in Counseling (algbtic.org)

 

****

 

Laurie Meyers is the senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

 

*****

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

Conversion therapy: Learning to love myself again

By Luke Romesberg February 27, 2017

When I was 14, I came out as gay to my parents. I was confident in my decision and felt ready for the world to meet the real me. Many argue that I was too young, but I had recognized and understood my feelings for a very long time. I just needed everyone else to catch up.

I was raised Catholic — not strict Catholic, but Catholic nonetheless. I attended church with my mother every Sunday, and also catechism class before or after Mass. My father always stayed home. He is Lutheran but quit practicing many years ago. Regarding politics, my parents were, and are, Republican. As with religion, my mother took an active role in this area. I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania, made up mostly of middle-class Caucasians, and always had dreams of leaving for a large city.

Athletics were a large part of my childhood and adolescence. Ice hockey, football, baseball, soccer — if it was available, my father had me involved. As it turns out, I was not bad at athletics, but not fantastic either. My academics were much more important to me. This seemed to be a source of disappointment for my father, which I believe fractured our relationship at that time. Technology also fascinated me. I spent much of my time playing video games and surfing the internet. The internet would become one of my only outlets during some of the most painful times in my life.

 

Coming out

Despite aspects of my upbringing that many would regard as combative to the LGBTQ community, my hopes for coming out remained positive. I devised a plan. Being a millennial, my instinct was to scour the internet for thoughtful ways to reveal my identity to my parents.

After much research, I decided a letter and CD would suffice. I wrote a long, detailed composition explaining many aspects of my identity that I had kept hidden. I expressed my feelings that I was a Democrat, was done playing sports in high school and identified as part of the LGBT community. By the time my parents were reading it, I would already be at a friend’s home, where I planned to stay for a few days (also noted in my letter).

Feelings of pride and happiness surrounded me. At the same time, anxiety consumed me. I was nervous yet ready. I assumed that revealing my identity would be the most awkward aspect of coming out. Little did I know then that those feelings of awkwardness would only increase for many years.

My perfect coming-out plan crashed and burned one fateful night. During a shopping trip, I purchased a baby pink, size-small T-shirt. I loved that shirt. I would likely still be wearing that shirt if my mother had not thrown it away — and if I could still fit into a size small — but that is another story for another day.

The shirt was flamboyant. That was my goal. I felt comfortable in my identity and was ready not just to come out, but to burst out. I had been stifled in a world of sports and overt masculinity for years. This pink shirt gave me hope. It would be the catapult to my coming out.

The shirt forced people to make assumptions about me, and I welcomed them. What I had not considered, however, were the assumptions my parents were making. The sight of me wearing this vibrant shirt triggered something in them. They became more inquisitive and increasingly watchful. They asked questions: What are you doing? Where are you going? Why do you spend so much time on the computer? Who are you talking to? Who are you texting? So. Many. Questions.

Something changed. We all knew something was different, but nobody vocalized it.

Everything came to a head one night when my father walked into my bedroom holding my pink shirt. With some colorful and hurtful language, he told me the shirt made me “look” gay. His anger seemed to grow with every passing statement.

My anger also grew. I walked to my bookshelf, snatched the letter hidden within a book, and threw it at him. My parents would never receive the CD.

I watched as my father’s anger turned to sadness. He read the letter, and tears formed in his eyes. To this day, I have seen him cry only twice — at his father’s funeral and on this night.

This is when my mother entered the room. “What’s going on?” she asked, concerned. My father handed her the letter. She cried. She screamed. She shouted, “Oh, my God!” Repeatedly. She paced around the house. My father was practically frozen.

I remember feeling upset, but nowhere near their level. What had just happened? Was this really that terrible? To my parents, it was.

My mother rushed to my grandparents’ home, only three houses away. She informed them of the situation. I wasn’t present, so I can only imagine the state of panic that immediately filled the home. My grandparents on my mother’s side held even more intense religious and political views. This was not looking good for me.

I went to sleep that night, tears in my eyes and nervous to attend school the next day. What I had thought would be an awkward, yet happy, moment with my parents turned out to be anything but.

 

Conversion therapy

I revealed my sexual orientation on a Tuesday. By Friday my parents had arranged a meeting with a therapist. They told me he was a religious counselor. This seemed frightening already. He was going to “fix” me. He would make everything “better.”

I didn’t understand exactly what this meant. I didn’t need fixing. I was fine with my identity. I thought maybe my parents needed fixing.

Given that my town was so small, meeting with a conversion therapist was going to be an ordeal in and of itself. My mother’s sister, who had been informed of the situation, located a counselor. They told me he was “the best.” His office was in Philadelphia, nearly six hours’ distance from my hometown. My parents demanded that I miss school on Friday. Despite my protests, we would make the trip to Philadelphia together to meet him.

My memories of this initial session are blurry, although I remember being hounded with questions. Was I ever sexually assaulted? No. Had I ever experimented with same-sex partners? No. Was I happy with my body? No. I was 14 years old and going through puberty. Of course I wasn’t happy with my body.

The questions continued. Did I want to be straight? “Yes,” I answered, even though my brain was saying, “No. Hell no.” I wondered, “Who is this man? What do these questions have to do with my sexual orientation? What is he going to do to me? How is this stranger going to help me change something that I do not want to change?”

Over the course of the next year, I would be a participant of conversion therapy. My sessions were weekly phone conversations that cost my parents a small fortune. The sessions began as an hour in length and then decreased to 30 minutes. As I “improved,” my sessions decreased further to an hour every two weeks and, eventually, to 30 minutes every two weeks. The sessions would occur until I was healed of all of my sexual orientation issues. I was going to emerge a heterosexual young man.

My body was a frequent topic in our sessions. My therapist seemed obsessed with it. I was ordered to take off my shirt and look in the mirror. He would then say, “Please describe what you see. Tell me what parts of your body make you insecure.”

I told him that my stomach was a source of insecurity. He encouraged me to describe it. Allow me to repeat: I was a teenager. My body was changing daily. Many teenagers are insecure about their bodies. The last thing they want to do is discuss the details of these changes with a strange man on the phone.

Nevertheless, my therapist told me that my insecurities were likely negatively impacting my feelings of masculinity. My low levels of masculinity were a reason that same-sex attractions were occurring.

“Same-sex attractions.” He always said that. It was a way to pathologize my feelings. This term was used to separate me from my identity. I was not to refer to myself as “gay.” I was not gay. I was suffering from same-sex attractions.

This is where he first began to break me down. He created some cracks, which would only grow in time.

During the course of therapy, my life at home was changing rapidly. I was now being watched. I was forced to defend all of my actions. I was no longer allowed to watch certain TV shows. If anything surrounding the LGBTQ community was mentioned, I was never allowed to watch that show again. My parents began searching my phone records and forced me to call every number they did not recognize while they listened. They found and called a suspicious number only once but, thankfully, he immediately hung up and blocked my number.

My text messages were read. All of my contacts were questioned. My instant messaging account was reviewed. My computer was moved to the living room. When I used it, my mother would attempt to catch me doing something wrong. She caught me talking to a guy once, but I cut the computer’s power before she could read the conversation. My parents seemed to blame technology for making me gay. My mother once accused me of looking at a stranger the wrong way and swore that I secretly knew him.

I also had to clarify to my mother that I was not a pedophile and had no interest in children. I was no longer allowed to hang out with girls. My former best friend became less than an acquaintance. My parents condemned me for going shopping. I was allowed to wear only certain clothes.

Everything about my life that had once been comforting was stripped away. I was being forced back into the closet. My love for myself was disappearing.

As therapy continued, the therapist informed me that the combination of a “sports dad” and an “overbearing mother” were additional reasons that I was suffering from same-sex attractions. On a related note, he told me that my volatile relationship with my father and my noninterest in sports also contributed to my same-sex attractions. My father and I were instructed to spend more time with each other. Father and son bonding time would surely change my sexual orientation.

My father and I awkwardly began attempting to hang out. We would go out to eat, go to the mall, go see a movie. You know, a stereotypical girls’ night out.

My therapist even suggested that we try more “masculine activities,” such as visiting the batting cages (something I still despise) or throwing a football. One night, my father and I went to see King Kong together as a supposedly masculine activity. At the end of the movie, I left in tears, crying at King Kong’s tragic death. I doubt that is what either my father or the therapist had in mind.

Despite some setbacks, I was making “progress.” I informed my therapist that I was going through a gray area regarding my sexual orientation. This was all nonsense of course. I was still just as gay as ever; I was just telling him otherwise.

I told the therapist my gray area consisted of a lack of sexual attraction to either sex. He informed me this was normal and represented the lessening of my same-sex attractions.

Little did he know that most of my responses could now be credited to Google. That is the power of technology and the internet. I had researched and became an expert on conversion therapy. I now told him everything he wanted to hear. As a result, I was able to trick him into believing that I was changing.

Therapy continued. I was making strides, leaps and bounds even. I was moving quickly. I was turning into a proud heterosexual. In reality, nothing about my sexual orientation was actually changing. But my previous feelings of comfort and confidence were gone. I felt trapped. My parents and therapist analyzed everything I did. Being the authentic me was no longer an option. I was a stranger in my own body. My insecurities grew. My feelings of self-doubt and depression increased. I was forced back into the closet. The love I had for my identity vanished.

Therapy ended roughly a year after it began. I was “cured.” I finally felt a taste of freedom.

However, despite no longer having to deal with my therapist, my parents now believed I was “fixed.” I feel as though they were in denial, just as I was pretending to be straight. We were all lying to one another, and we secretly knew it.

Everything was not fine. I was still gay. My parents knew it. I knew it too, but we were now back to square one. The next four years proved to be draining. Coming out once was difficult enough, but now I had to find the courage to come out again.

 

Life after conversion therapy

When I was 17, my parents seemed either in complete denial about my sexual orientation or had silently accepted that I was likely going to remain my gay self. Either way, we had not engaged in an actual conversation regarding my sexuality.

Eventually, I began working for a major political campaign in the Democratic primary race in 2008. Here I would meet many like-minded individuals and fellow members of the LGBTQ community. I even met a guy with whom I would have a short-term relationship while he stayed in town for the primary. After many years of feeling trapped and questioned for my every move, I had finally found what I considered a safe zone, an oasis.

My parents weren’t supportive of the Democratic Party and didn’t approve of my volunteerism, but at least they couldn’t accuse me of things when they knew where I was. I began heading to the campaign office almost every day. The office officials quickly promoted me from volunteer to intern, which ultimately helped in my college searches and even landed me a scholarship. This was an extremely positive experience for me. I enjoyed my time spent there and met amazing people who provided me with feelings of inspiration, confidence, courage and, above all else, hope. The love I once had for myself began growing again.

Armed with my newfound positivity and support system, I was ready to once and for all set the record “straight” on my same-sex attractions. I arrived home from a particularly good night at the campaign office. My father was watching television but eventually began making his way to bed.

I stopped him as he headed up the stairs. I told him that “it” was out. I no longer cared. There was nothing they could do to upset me or tell me who I was. I was probably smirking when I told him.

My father’s face twisted. He didn’t say much but did mention being nervous and embarrassed about what everyone else would think. I didn’t care what anybody else thought. I had just come out — again.

This time it was different. I was older. I was more mature. There would be no argument. I loved myself again.

Over the course of the next few months, I began coming out to others, including my close friend. In midsummer, I put my “status” on Facebook. I received messages from concerned classmates and family members: “Your Facebook has been hacked!” I told them, no, it was true. I was gay. I was no longer afraid to reveal it.

I received unwavering support. People sent me positive messages. I entered my senior year of high school with the support of so many. My love for myself blossomed. I was back to my old self. My parents began adjusting too.

I would go on to college in Pittsburgh to study journalism. However, I would quickly change my major to psychology. My time in conversion therapy provided only one positive quality: It lit a flame in my heart and created a burning passion for caring and providing for the LGBTQ community.

I knew I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be on the other side of this battle. I wanted to do the complete opposite of what my therapist had done for me.

Over time, my parents grew and changed as well. They found love too. Now they accept and support me in all of my decisions. It is truly amazing how things can change.

 

Today

In 2013, I moved to Chicago, where I would eventually receive my master’s degree in counseling and become a licensed professional therapist. Immediately after, at the age of 24, I entered a doctoral program in counseling education and supervision. This leads me to where I am today — and to the ultimate point of this story.

It is essential that the effects of conversion therapy are made widely known. I believe this subject is still in need of increased awareness. Many do not understand how harmful conversion therapy is, and others are entirely unfamiliar with it. Even though my experience with this “therapy type” was not nearly as severe as what others have gone through, it still caused issues that I had to battle.

I was ultimately able to make it through the difficult times these events caused, but many others in my situation do not. As reported by an American Psychological Association task force, people who have gone through conversion therapy face 8.9 times the rates of suicidal ideation, 5.9 times higher rates of depression and are three times as likely as their peers to engage in the use illegal substances and risky sexual behaviors. These statistics simply cannot be ignored. The issues listed are all too familiar for me, even with my somewhat minimal exposure to conversion therapy. It took years of personal reflection and growth, finding forgiveness toward my family, and learning to love myself again to overcome the damages caused by this so-called “therapy.”

As counselors, it is imperative that we do not impose our own value system on our clients. We must always work to ensure that we do not commit any acts of maleficence. Conversion therapy is, without doubt, an act of maleficence. If we find ourselves disagreeing with someone’s sexual orientation, it may be time to take a step back and evaluate our own principles, morals and why we chose to enter this field.

It is our job to know and understand the facts behind conversion therapy. It is not our job to tell people how to live or to attempt to change a client. Rather, we must always work with our clients to support them in their true identities.

 

 

****

Luke Romesberg is a doctoral student in the counselor education and supervision program at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. He is a licensed professional therapist and certified alcohol and other drug abuse counselor. His areas of specialization are LGBTQ issues, addictive behaviors and behavior issues in youth. Contact him at lwr4409@ego.thechicagoschool.edu or on Twitter @LukeRomesberg.

 

***

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

The path forward: A counselor’s coming out in counselor education

By Jack D. Simons November 22, 2016

businessman with a rainbow necktie, with a slight vignette addedTo be who you are, you don’t have to wait a lifetime.

I knew at age 5 that I was attracted to the same gender. This realization occurred during a time when, in my mind, it was not OK to be gay. I just couldn’t see it. It wouldn’t get better.

I grew up in the Midwest during the AIDS generation. People were dying, and the media portrayed the so-called “plague” as horrific. This definitely impacted me, including how I thought of myself and who I was. The advent of AIDS changed the lives of millions. Sexuality, for many, was no longer the same.

It was also during this time that I witnessed my uncle die of AIDS, shortly after the death of my great-grandfather. My uncle was gay, and he was just beginning life with his partner. He had moved to Portland to work as a musician and a nurse, but shortly thereafter he died. His life had been cut short by a condition that could not be cured.

How challenging it was for me as a teenager to see this while also questioning my own sexuality. Unfortunately, I never got to talk to my uncle about his life, but I wish that I had. Instead, I just asked myself, “Why would I live a life like his if I could die?” Being gay wasn’t an option that I wanted, so I did not accept myself for many years. I became one of those men who married a woman and started a family, thinking that my same-sex attractions would go away.

Well, it didn’t. I had just done what I thought I was supposed to do. I didn’t tell anyone in my family that I was gay until my early 30s.

Remaining in the closet comes at a cost. It depleted me of energy and compromised my health, which is not uncommon for those who come out later in life. I was unable to live a life congruent with my values, and others were hurt. This upset me.

While in my Ph.D. program, I decided to take active steps toward authenticity, whatever the cost. I asked myself how I could be a role model in counselor education if I wasn’t true to myself. How could I be vital and thrive in the world if I was inauthentic? How could I look my daughter in the eye in good faith?

I knew the answers, and they were all the same. I could not bear to continue to live an inauthentic life. I told my family members and close loved ones about what I was going through. It wasn’t easy, but I began to meet others like me and build a support system. Ultimately, I disclosed at work, which is a key milestone. Those who stood by me during this time are now some of my closet friends and colleagues.

I am grateful that I have been able to come out and live an authentic life. My education played a part in this. I am fortunate to teach and inspire others. Over the past two years, I completed my dissertation, taught, and worked on research and community events that I felt were important. As a former school counselor, it has also been exciting for me to see how the field of school counseling has become more inclusive of LGBTQ+ people, or those perceived to be (note: LGBTQ+ is an umbrella term that aims to capture all sexual and gender minority groups).

I thank everyone who has challenged me to be myself. Without this support, I may not have fully come out. I also know that if I had had more visible role models (like I am trying to be now) when I was younger, I would have accepted myself sooner.

 

Final thoughts

For those who haven’t yet come out, for whatever reason(s), don’t lose hope. There is time to work toward authenticity. It just takes longer for some. The experience has been hard for me, but it has gotten better.

If you wish to come out but you don’t think you can do it on your own, seek support. Some people might find this difficult, but I have always said that nothing of value is easy. This might be the time for you. If, however, you just want to learn more about LGBTQ+ communities, I recommend that you reach out to these communities and ask questions to make new friends or professional contacts.

In addition, I encourage counselors and counselors-in-training who have limited experience in working with LGBTQ+ communities to attend workshops and to reflect on their own sexual identity development. LGBTQ+ communities are very diverse, so there are many people to learn about, to learn from, to draw strength from and to stand tall with. If you see me, say hi!

 

Select resources

  • The AIDS Generation: Stories of Survival and Resilience by Perry N. Halkitis (2014)
  • Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not by Joanne Herman (2009)
  • The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die by John B. Izzo (2008)
  • “Coming out in mid-adulthood: Building a new identity” by Lon B. Johnston and David Jenkins, in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, Volume 16, Issue 2, 2004
  • Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile
  • Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M., & Joseph, S. (2008). “The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the Authenticity Scale” by Alex M. Wood, P. Alex Linley, John Maltby, Michael Baliousis and Stephen Joseph, in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, Volume 55, No. 3, 2008

 

 

****

Jack D. Simons is a core faculty member in the counseling program at Mercy College in Dobbs Ferry, New York. Contact him at jsimons1@mercy.edu.

 

****

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

 

A systemic perspective for working with same-sex parents

By Amanda C. DeDiego September 28, 2016

According to census data, there were roughly 125,000 same-sex couples raising approximately 220,000 children in the United States in 2010. Since that time, increasing numbers of same-sex couples have declared committed partnerships, capturing the attention of policymakers and bringing the issue of legal recognition of same-sex partnerships to the forefront of politics.

In 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court heard the landmark case of Obergefell v. Hodges and ultimately declared it unconstitutional for any state to deny marriage licenses to same-sex couples. In doing so, the Supreme Court said that rights historically awarded to married partners, including adoption rights, must be extended to same-sex couples. Although state legislation traditionally branding-images_twodadsdetermines specific limitations to adoption rights awarded to married couples, under Obergefell v. Hodges, said spousal rights must apply to all couples equally.

This past summer, a federal court judge ruled adoption by same-sex couples legal in all 50 states. However, judges who make decisions to award parental rights can still create more stringent guidelines or additional hurdles for same-sex couples. So although this ruling is monumental in taking strides toward equality, it does not eliminate subtle discrimination experienced by same-sex couples seeking adoption rights.

As institutional and legal barriers to same-sex marriage and parenthood continue to diminish, counselors are increasingly called on to provide support for same-sex couples who are establishing legally recognized families. CACREP (Council for Accreditation of Counseling and Related Educational Programs) accreditation standards require programs to provide counseling students with training for supporting various issues in diverse relationships and families. However, more training and awareness are needed to properly prepare counselors to offer support specifically for same-sex couples and families.

For many years, same-sex couples could not find appropriately trained counselors to provide family and couples therapy. Now same-sex couples feel welcomed and have more referral options for counseling, but counselors still often lack specific training in best practices for supporting these couples and families headed by same-sex parents. Considering the systemic influences that affect same-sex couples, a counseling approach that also considers the systemic context is ideal.

Structural family therapy

Structural family therapy (SFT), developed by Salvador Minuchin, offers a means for counselors to address systemic issues in various contexts. The SFT approach is empirically validated and offers a map for counselors to conceptualize a family system on the basis of the roles the family members play. In addition to examining the family as a system, SFT takes into account the greater societal contexts that have an impact on the family.

Minuchin based his theory on the assumption that each family member plays a role within the family. Using Minuchin’s therapeutic approach, a counselor observes patterns in the family’s interactions to determine the hierarchy within the family system. Subsystems such as spousal, parental and sibling may also be present within the family. Any imbalance in the power, boundaries or roles within the family represents dysfunction in the system.

The goal of SFT is to adapt the structure of the family to the needs of its members to improve the function of the family system. This goal is accomplished in three phases:

1) Joining with the family

2) Enacting interactions within the therapy environment to observe family member roles

3) Creating unbalance to expand current roles, introduce boundaries and accommodate the needs of the family members in the system

As part of the SFT process, the counselor “joins” the family system to correct dysfunction. Minuchin described “joining” as the process of the counselor being accepted by the family to create a therapeutic bond. The trust gained in the joining process creates a therapeutic system that lasts the duration of the counseling relationship. The counselor works to help the family establish clear roles, while deconstructing power within the family system and subsystems. The goal is to create a functional hierarchy that meets the needs of family members.

One advantage to using SFT with same-sex parents is that this approach considers larger systemic influences on the family. Counselors working with same-sex couples may need to address unique systemic challenges. Thus, it is important to raise awareness in the counseling community about such issues so that we can address biases, practice awareness of issues facing the population and have a broad societal view of the family system and societal challenges impacting families with same-sex parents.

The road to parenthood

Traditional conception of children is not an option for same-sex couples. Thus, the road to parenthood for these couples is often emotional, complicated and challenging.

Some of these couples may already have children from previous relationships. SFT provides guidelines for work with blended families, but in many respects, same-sex couples have unique challenges in establishing family systems. In the past, many states would not recognize the adoption of children within same-sex partnerships. For same-sex partners with children from previous relationships, this meant that only the biological parent was able to serve as the legal guardian of these children. This created stress and conflict within relationships because the biological parent’s current partner was left without any legal rights as a parent. Not having legal guardianship of a child can cause same-sex partners to feel unclear about their parental identities. In turn, this may result in conflict within the partnership or struggles to establish a parenting relationship with children.

Egg donation and surrogacy: Not all couples have biological children from previous relationships, but the issue of legal co-guardianship is persistent regardless of how same-sex partners become parents. Same-sex couples may choose to pursue parenthood through surrogacy or through in vitro fertilization using a sperm or egg donor. In both cases, couples must choose which partner will be allowed to have the biological identity as the child’s parent. Because state laws have not always recognized the adoption rights of same-sex couples, the biological parent of the child often maintains all legal rights of guardianship.

Considering recent court rulings, the nonbiological parent may now seek status as a legal guardian. However, this parent may have experienced a lack of power in the family for some time because he or she was previously unable to identify as either a biological or legal parent.

Additionally, decisions must be made regarding the degree to which surrogates or sperm/egg donors will be included in and involved with the family. Thus, these family systems will potentially have multiple layers and subsystems, meaning that the same-sex partners may experience additional stress as they navigate choices concerning the level of connection to donors and surrogates.

Traditional adoption: The Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges acknowledged the possibility of same-sex couples facing continued institutional barriers, specifically naming instances of adoption agencies affiliated with religious organizations denying child placements for these couples. This past summer, a federal judge ruled a state ban on same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional, thus eliminating some systemic barriers to parenthood. Although overt discrimination in denying same-sex couples opportunities for adoption was eliminated, subtle discrimination that reinforces heterosexist standards of parenthood can still force same-sex couples to face stigma and additional stress during the adoption process. Same-sex couples have traditionally encountered legal obstacles, high standards for approval and long waiting periods to become adoptive parents. Historically, these institutional barriers have been substantial, causing many same-sex couples to turn to the foster care system in their pursuit of parenthood.

Foster to adopt: Foster care agencies often permitted same-sex couples to serve as foster parents, but there was always the question of whether the court system would subsequently deny these couples the option to legally adopt. This was often confusing and emotionally distressing for couples hoping to start families and gain the identity of parents. The Supreme Court has addressed these legal barriers, but it is unclear at this point what institutional and social barriers will remain for same-sex foster parents seeking legal adoption.

Additionally, same-sex couple foster parents may experience a lack of institutional support in preparing foster children for placement with a gay or lesbian couple. Thus, the adjustment to the placement can be more stressful for both the couple and the child. Couples may also experience subtle discrimination and a lack of sensitivity regarding pronoun use in record-keeping (for example, suggesting a father and mother caring for children, as opposed to two mothers or two fathers).

Systemic challenges

In addition to the typical stresses associated with blended families or adoptive parenting relationships, same-sex couples often feel that they must fight to gain recognition in their identities as parents, both legally and socially. This can create high levels of stress within these partnerships.

In 1979, Urie Bronfenbrenner discussed various social and political systems that influence individuals as members of society, including those individuals navigating marriage and parenthood. In addition to considering the legal and institutional challenges faced by same-sex couples in gaining identity as parents, counselors using SFT must consider the influences of the societal systems to which these clients belong. Unfortunately, discrimination and systemic challenges are still present after same-sex couples become parents, and counselors may need to help families navigate additional systemic challenges in raising children.

Institutional and legal challenges: Same-sex couples have long faced institutional barriers in gaining validation and recognition of their partnerships and marriages. Obergefell v. Hodges awarded the right to marry to same-sex couples and extended historically implied rights to same-sex couples who marry. However, states reserve the ultimate power to choose which rights to award (and to what degree) to married couples, including taxation, sharing of property and legal adoption. These discriminatory barriers exist beyond the courts. Among the institutional challenges that present struggles for same-sex couples attempting to establish family systems are division of work, parental leave and guardianship rights in caring for children.

Same-sex couples may experience challenges in deciding how to adapt their work schedules when raising children because of less employer flexibility, especially in the case of gay men. Thus, one partner may become the “breadwinner,” establishing greater financial power within the relationship. Given that legal adoption is not always permitted for nonbiological parents in a same-sex partnership, gaining access to a child’s medical or school records may also be a challenge.

In addition, same-sex couples often face challenges simply in finding a residence for their families. Research shows that landlords have traditionally assumed that same-sex couples will be troublesome tenants. Given limited choices for renting property, one partner may then become the legal owner of the couple’s purchased property. Particularly if this partner is already identified as the breadwinner of the family or the biological parent of the couple’s child, this situation can create a further imbalance of power within the parental subsystem.

Social challenges: Beyond institutional challenges, same-sex parents also experience subtle discrimination in social groups. Same-sex parents may not feel that they fit within traditional parenting roles and thus may not feel as accepted in social groups with heterosexual parents. Socially, same-sex parents can be the targets of hypercriticism for their parenting decisions by heterosexual parents.

Criticism and rejection are not isolated only to social groups. Families of origin may also express disapproval of same-sex couples becoming parents. Ultimately, same-sex couples may feel like outsiders in both social and familial groups, thus creating another source of conflict within the partnership.

Given that they are raising children in a heterosexual-centered society, same-sex parents may lack role models for navigating decisions as parents. When combined with social invalidation, this can leave same-sex parents feeling alone and lost.

Finding social support provides comfort for parents and children who are experiencing hyperawareness of the dominant heterosexual culture. Thus, same-sex parents often seek to create a new “family of choice” for social support. Same-sex parents often worry that their children will be subjected to heteronormative standards and social expectations in school. Children who have same-sex parents may experience discrimination or bias in social groups. Having the social support of other same-sex couples makes it easier for parents and their children to cope with discrimination and heterosexual norms.

Considerations for practice

Under SFT, the counselor joins with the family, becoming a part of the system instead of being a bystander to the process. Once this happens, the counselor will address issues of power, hierarchy, boundaries among family members and rules within the family system. The focus on family roles allows the counselor to adapt to the family system beyond traditional gender roles, which makes SFT ideal for work with same-sex couples and their families. Same-sex couples lack the traditional “mother” and “father” role within the family, so couples establish parenting identities based on their unique family system.

To determine the structure of the family system, a counselor must observe patterns of behavior among family members. In many cases, the lack of traditional gender roles among same-sex couples creates opportunities for greater balance in home and work responsibilities and egalitarian roles in parenting. Same-sex couples often experience greater fluidity and equality in parenting responsibilities than do heterosexual couples. Thus, decision-making in distribution of power within the partnership becomes more intentional.

The more gender-fluid roles of parents in same-sex families may challenge a counselor’s fundamental views of family. Thus, a counselor working with a same-sex couple must be aware of personal biases, or else the counselor may project gender labels onto family members. In addition, in recognizing one parent as more nurturing, it would be important not to automatically project onto the other parent the label of disciplinarian, especially considering the complementary function of parents under SFT. Instead, realize that gender fluidity in parenting roles means that same-sex parents may be sharing aspects of roles as both nurturer and disciplinarian.

In part because families with same-sex parents may not always receive support from biological family members, it is common for these parents to include neighbors or other social supports in their definition of the family system. The SFT approach allows for a more flexible definition of family. Thus, same-sex parents can invite social supports beyond the biological family to participate in family therapy. A large piece of SFT involves examining the authority exercised with children. This provides the counselor with insight regarding the hierarchy within the family system. Remembering that social supports may become an influential part of same-sex families, the counselor should remain open to considering the authority of nonparental figures within the family system.

Counselors must practice awareness of societal influences on families because these challenges often affect the balance of power within the family. Although societal issues may not be the presenting issue within the family, the influence of societal systems is always present. Additionally, counselors must practice ongoing reflection to be aware of biases in their work with this population. Working to eliminate subtle discrimination in the counseling environment — for instance, by creating gender-neutral intake forms — can create a welcoming environment for same-sex couples and their families.

Conclusion

SFT provides a framework to conduct counseling that considers systemic influences on families with same-sex parents. Recognizing the systemic and social barriers that same-sex parents face is a huge first step. Counselors must be aware of their own biases regarding their views of families when working with same-sex parents. In joining with the family system, counselors should be cautious not to assign gender roles to family members. Counselors also must be open to including social supports outside of the immediate family in the counseling relationship.

By practicing awareness of systemic barriers facing same-sex couples and being open to unique family systems, counselors can provide much-needed services to these now legally recognized partners who are navigating the road to parenthood and parenting in a heteronormative world.

 

****

 

Knowledge Share articles are developed from sessions presented at American Counseling Association conferences.

Amanda C. DeDiego is an assistant professor of counseling at the University of Wyoming. She is a national certified counselor and has clinical experience in school, grant program, community and private practice settings with diverse client populations. Contact her at adediego@uwyo.edu.

Letters to the editor: ct@counseling.org

 

****

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.

The relationship as client

By Laurie Meyers September 22, 2016

Among the most common difficulties that bring couples to counseling are infidelity, financial problems, sex and intimacy issues, parenting challenges and ongoing tensions with the in-laws. Each of these problems has its own unique characteristics, but according to couples counselors, they tend to share a similar root cause — namely, lack of communication. The challenge for couples counselors (and their clients) is to identify how communication went awry — or if it ever truly existed in the first place — and then work to reestablish it.

Couples counseling is fundamentally different from individual counseling, says Paul Peluso, past president of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, a division of the American Counseling Association.

“Too often, counselors think that couples counseling is ‘individual counseling times two,’ and they conduct individual counseling with each person, while the other partner observes,” Peluso says. “That really isn’t couples counseling. Instead, with couples counseling, you have not just branding-images_inkhearttwo perspectives in the room that you have to balance, but you have the … relationship that you are working with. In fact, it is the couple’s relationship that technically is your client, not the individuals in the couple.”

Having a relationship as the client instead of an individual makes it much more challenging to build a therapeutic alliance, says Barbara Mahaffey, a licensed professional clinical counselor and ACA member who practices in Chillicothe, Ohio. The relationship is not just an entity, but rather two separate people who have different thresholds for opening up and trusting, she explains. Couples also come in with different goals and expectations. Mahaffey, who specializes in counseling couples and families, says her task as a counselor is not just to address these goals and expectations, but to help the couple discover how they can reconcile their personal expectations and establish new goals that will allow them to move forward as partners.

“Couples will come in and want to fight over who is right and who is wrong in the relationship,” Peluso says. “It is the couples therapist who has to sell the idea that no one is wholly ‘right’ or wholly ‘wrong.’ Paradoxically, neither is to blame and both are to blame — in the technical sense — for the state of the relationship at the same time. Both have played a role in setting up the conditions for the relationship. So the focus is on how each person’s behavior and reactions to [the] other affect the couple’s relationship. If each person wants to be in the relationship, then they have to take responsibility for how their behavior impacts the health of the relationship. And this is very different than individual counseling.”

Confronting infidelity

Unfortunately, the catalyst that most often pushes couples into a counselor’s office is also one of the most difficult issues to move past.

“The single most common issue that brings couples into therapy is infidelity,” says Peluso, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) who has written several books about both infidelity and couples counseling. “Over the last 20 years, researchers have demonstrated that this is the most common presenting concern, and if it is not revealed initially, it is often disclosed in the course of couples therapy. Infidelity can take many forms, from sexual to nonphysical intimacy, and it now includes relationships online.”

“In terms of who cheats, researchers have found that women are just as likely as men to participate in infidelity,” Peluso continues. “As a result, practitioners have to know how to deal with the complex and often devastating issues that accompany infidelity. Unfortunately, when couples counselors are asked about it, they overwhelmingly say that it is the topic they feel least prepared to treat.”

Amber Lange, a licensed professional counselor who owns and practices at Bedford Health, a group practice in Lambertville, Michigan, can attest to the high demand for infidelity counseling. Her practice has become known for specializing in issues surrounding infidelity and betrayal. Initially, the sheer need for counselors knowledgeable about and willing to tackle this particular relationship threat astounded her. “I’ll never be out of a job [as an infidelity specialist],” she says ruefully.

Among couples for whom the act of infidelity is fresh, the nonoffending partner is typically experiencing acute stress and may even have symptoms that resemble posttraumatic stress disorder, Lange says. The offending partner, on the other hand, is typically feeling beaten down because he or she has repeatedly been asked blunt questions that shine a direct light on his or her indiscretions: What did you do? Where? How much money did you spend?

In cases in which the infidelity is years in the past, the core counseling issue more often involves a lingering lack of trust, Lange says. “The nonoffending partner [may have] forgiven the offending partner, but they have never rebuilt trust,” she explains. “So the nonoffending partner is hypervigilant about trust and the [possibility of the] offending partner reoffending.”

If the act of infidelity is recent, Lange helps the couple work through their “why, who, where, how” stage. “I talk about the idea of how you can’t ‘unknow’ something once you know it,” says Lange, a professor of counseling at Capella University. “There’s a lot of knowledge that you can gain that may further traumatize you, such as the sexual positions that your partner was in with someone else.”

Clients may also wonder if their partner did things with another person that the nonoffending partner refused to do. If this information is disclosed, Lange explains, it can lead the nonoffending partner to do things he or she is uncomfortable with in an attempt to please the offending partner.

Instead of attempting to get answers to questions that can further damage the relationship, Lange encourages the nonoffending partner to ask structured questions such as: When did you start having sex? When did you stop? Did you have unprotected sex? These types of questions provide information that the nonoffending partner needs to know, Lange says.

The next phase of Lange’s therapeutic approach involves narrative therapy. As part of this stage, Lange might ask couples who delayed getting therapy after the infidelity to briefly touch on information about the affair as a way to see if there are lingering questions. This process also helps Lange to assess the strength of the couple’s bond.

The story of ‘us’

Regardless of whether the couple is confronting a recent infidelity or the infidelity happened years in the past, constructing the story of their relationship represents the core of the healing process, according to Lange. Couples build the narrative to gain a clearer understanding of how and when the cracks in their relationship developed, she explains. They talk about the beginning of their relationship and explore how they interacted. Were they friends and true partners? What happened that started pulling them apart?

“Life” — deaths, births, work, money and so on — is usually the answer to that second question, Lange says. In addition, people typically change over time, which further alters the nature of the relationship, she notes. All of these factors in combination can make a relationship vulnerable to disruption. Add in misperceptions and unmet expectations, and once tiny relationship fissures can turn into large cracks that cause couples to drift apart.

Among the most common life events that can start to pull some relationships apart is the birth of a child, Lange says. “Before the birth, couples were able to spend all their time and energy and money on each other. After the birth of a child, ideally, you love that child and invest all of that [time, energy and money] in parenting and child rearing — which is not bad, but [couples] come into my office, and they haven’t been on a date in three years.”

In addition to not making time for the romantic relationship, the couple may be trapped in patterns that are actively pulling them apart, Lange says. “You’ve been great parents, but the mother is staying home or working and raising kids at the same time, the father is working and overworking to pay for the mortgage and save for retirement — those kinds of things can hurt a relationship,” she says.

When a couple stops talking to each other, it creates a gap, and it is tempting to fill that gap with other people or activities, Lange notes. Partners may begin to betray each other in different ways, whether it is spending time on social media instead of with each other, watching pornography or working long hours, she says. “In the process, we’ve let the relationship go awry,” Lange observes.

But this risk of unraveling is not exclusive to couples with children. Those who get married or enter into domestic partnerships too quickly upon meeting or when they are very young are also particularly vulnerable, Lange says. For example, those who form romantic relationships in their teens or early 20s are in the midst of experiencing significant personal development. This may not happen at the same rate for both partners, eventually leaving them feeling as if they don’t know each other, Lange explains. Likewise, people who get married or form a domestic partnership in the matter of a few weeks have not typically had enough time to establish a strong base of friendship. Over time, it’s not uncommon for them to realize that they don’t even like each other, Lange says.

Lange asks clients not to make a decision about whether to stay together until after they have gone through the process of identifying what went wrong. Then, if they choose to stay together, Lange helps them start to discuss how to protect the relationship going forward. This typically includes setting aside time to talk with each other more frequently, being intentional about making time for dates and even going on vacations without the kids. But it also involves each partner identifying the behaviors in which he or she engages that play a role in pulling the relationship apart.

For example, Lange recounts something that a client recently shared. “One of the things that I have recognized about myself over the past six months is that I tend to withdraw,” the client told her. “When my partner and I got into an argument, I went away, slept in the kids’ room and wouldn’t talk. I would work 85 hours a week. Even when I wasn’t in the office, I was checking my email.”

In essence, Lange says, the client just wasn’t “there” in the relationship. Other people do the same thing by burying themselves in hobbies such as sports or scrapbooking. As a result, they end up spending more time with friends or with hobbies than they do with their partner and family, Lange says.

The process of building the couple’s story in counseling and finding the cracks and vulnerabilities is a long one. For the first four to six weeks, when a couple is still going through the initial trauma phase of the infidelity, Lange has them come to counseling every week. Once a couple moves on to the storytelling stage, she has them come to counseling only about once per month, in part because she feels that much of the processing and healing needs to take place between sessions as the couple slowly rebuilds the relationship.

“They have to have time to figure out things … how to be in relationship, how to recreate their friendship and how to build [new] good memories,” Lange says. During the process of rebuilding the relationship, trust is also being reestablished and forgiveness is being granted. Then the couple can move forward, she explains.

Ideally, the couple will also identify potential problem areas and reach compromises on how to address those issues. For example: “You say I can’t work 90 hours a week, but we need money, so how are we going to figure that out? … This is [our] story. Here’s the way we go forward. Here’s what we need to do.”

Symptom vs. problem

Brian Canfield, a past president of ACA, also says that infidelity is the event that most commonly brings couples into his office. But he believes infidelity is always indicative of other underlying problems in the marriage or relationship.

“I view an affair not as the problem but as a symptom,” he says. “An affair is like malarial fever. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not the fever itself that’s going to kill you — it’s the disease.”

Canfield believes that if a counselor addresses the underlying issue first, it will help to stabilize the couple, which will then allow them to deal with the ramifications of the infidelity. “You [the counselor] have to assess if there is a commitment and desire to save the relationship,” says Canfield, an LMFT whose practice has offices in Louisiana, Arkansas and Florida. “Trust and betrayal, that’s not where you put the spotlight. The trust will return once you stabilize the relationship.”

Canfield starts by asking the couple what they want out of the counseling process and their relationship as a whole. “What would you like to see happen? If it is possible to salvage the marriage, would you be willing?” Canfield asks. “A lot of people want to know why [the affair happened], but here is where we are. Where do you want to be? If you were going to redesign marriage, how would it look?”

Canfield says financial difficulties are the most common underlying issue that couples bring into his office. In his experience, there is so much shame surrounding finances that most couples would rather talk about the details of their sex lives than money. He frequently encounters situations with couples in which one partner has been maintaining a hidden bank account or run up the balance on their credit cards without the other partner knowing. He tells couples that part of the counseling process involves full disclosure.

“A lot of couples are in tremendous denial,” Canfield says. “They don’t know how much debt they are in, what their bills are or have a good picture of how much income they are bringing in.”

Sometimes people feel entitled or convince themselves that it’s OK to buy what they want regardless of how it affects their spouse or partner. They tell themselves that they work hard and that they deserve it. Canfield sees part of his role as helping to bring clarity to these situations to encourage better choices.

“The other spouse may say that if this doesn’t change, I will exit the marriage for my own survival. Which circumstances are more important? Keeping the marriage or continuing to spend?” he asks.

Canfield doesn’t try to play the part of financial adviser to couples (although he does recommend that couples seek professional financial advice elsewhere if needed). Instead, he helps couples recognize their need to possess a clear picture of their financial situation and to develop a reasonable budget.

“It’s a matter of priorities and trade-offs,” he says. “The key as a couples counselor is to have the couple work together as a team. Most couples, when they work as a team, can find common ground.”

Canfield emphasizes that as a couples counselor, it’s not up to him to dictate how much a couple will spend on their priorities. Instead, his focus is simply on making sure that they have agreed on a plan going forward.

Once the underlying issues have been addressed, Canfield helps the couple deal with what he calls the “moral disparity” in a relationship in which infidelity has occurred. The nonoffending partner may feel like he or she has the higher moral ground, but to move forward, the couple must try to reach a “mutual amnesty,” Canfield says.

This involves a delicate balance. Canfield tries to make the couple aware that the infidelity occurred because of the underlying problems — to which they both contributed — that were straining the relationship. However, he always makes it clear that it is not the fault of the nonoffending partner that the other partner cheated. Yes, they both contributed to the relationship’s problems, but the offending partner chose to act out by having an affair.

Matters of miscommunication

Mahaffey, an associate professor of human services technology at Ohio University–Chillicothe, finds that relationship difficulties usually involve a significant degree of miscommunication, which is exacerbated by a number of factors. She helps couples understand how communication can get mixed up by explaining the pieces of a “miscommunication model” that she has devised.

Mahaffey starts by asking both partners to list all of the traits they possess that are different from their partner’s traits. She then takes these lists and draws two people facing each other. This represents two people talking, whereas the lists represent their different — and sometimes conflicting — points of view. Mahaffey often also draws a “family rule book” between the two figures. This represents how a person’s family of origin can affect the way he or she interprets interactions with a partner. Mahaffey often asks couples about their family backgrounds and experiences to illustrate the influence of the family of origin.

Mahaffey will then ask both partners to think about all the times they asked for something and didn’t receive what they wanted from their partner. As they voice these details, it’s not unusual for one partner to exclaim, “You never said that!” Typically, the case is not that either partner is lying, Mahaffey says. Rather, it’s that one of the partners has not been phrasing the requests in a way that effectively communicates what he or she needs, Mahaffey explains. She also informs the couple that humans think at about 500 words per minute but cannot speak more than 125 words per minute, meaning there is ample opportunity for the intended message to get lost.

Other complicating factors in communication include different coping styles (such as one member of the couple shutting down verbally or retreating physically or emotionally during times of stress), the fact that women often process information differently than men and the daily anxieties of life, Mahaffey says. For example, it’s hard for a couple to communicate effectively when one or both partners are stressed about finances, work or the car breaking down.

The last part of Mahaffey’s model entails explaining how words themselves — or how people define them — can get in the way. For example, Mahaffey might ask a couple, “What’s the definition of love? Is it that supper is on the table when I come home? Or liking to snuggle? Or texting 60 times a day?”

At this point, Mahaffey has the couple use “I” statements and talk about what needs they feel are being unmet. One partner might say, “I like to have help with housework.” The other partner might note that the request usually comes during a football game or while engaged in something else that he or she enjoys doing. At this point, Mahaffey might ask if the partner would be willing to provide help either before or after the game. This exercise highlights just one example of an area of possible compromise. The larger point is that the couple needs to sit down and talk about what they need from each other and how those needs can be met, Mahaffey says.

Intimate partner violence 

All counselors, but couples counselors in particular, should be looking for signs of intimate partner violence (IPV) among their clients, asserts Ryan Carlson, an ACA member and couples counselor who has done research on screening methods for IPV.

Because IPV is such a prevalent societal problem, all counselors — knowingly or unknowingly — will encounter clients who have experienced or are currently experiencing violence at the hands of their partners, Carlson says. According to data gathered in 2011 and published in 2014 by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 1 in 4 women and more than 1 in 10 men in the United States have in their lifetime experienced sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner.

Providing counseling in the presence of such interpersonal violence can be dangerous, not just to the victim but also to the counselor, says Carlson, a licensed mental health counselor practicing in Columbia, South Carolina. That is a primary reason it is important for counselors to be alert to the signs of IPV and to have a protocol to follow should a client be a victim.

Perhaps the most beneficial thing counselors can do is to get connected to the people Carlson calls the “real experts” on this issue — those who work at local domestic violence shelters. “Most of what I have learned [about IPV] has come from domestic violence advocates,” he acknowledges.

Not only can these advocates help counselors assess whether it is safe to work with a couple in which IPV is a reality, but they also stand ready to assist clients who are looking for help, says Carlson, an assistant professor of counselor education at the University of South Carolina.

Carlson says he uses the term IPV because it is more inclusive than domestic violence. There is an IPV continuum, and domestic violence is on the extreme end of the spectrum, representing the most severe cases that involve, as Carlson puts it, “power and control,” as opposed to nonlethal violence or verbal abuse. From Carlson’s perspective, it is not safe to try to conduct counseling in those cases involving power and control.

Carlson advises counselors to use a formal screening tool for IPV at intake but says there are other red flags to look for, including a client’s unwillingness to take responsibility for actions. “Control over finances or transportation is [also a] red flag,” he continues. “Is one partner restricting access to cell phones, finances, the car, who the other partner can interact with? … Look for body language. Does one partner consistently look to the other when they answer questions? Is it permission seeking? Is there inconsistency in their answers? For example, as part of a meeting to determine whether or not a couple would want to participate in a research study I was doing, I asked about income. The husband gave me an answer, but when I met with the wife separately, she said the husband wasn’t really working and that she wasn’t allowed to talk about that.”

This one disparity turned out to be an indication of severe domestic violence. Carlson followed his protocol and was able to get help for the victim.

What does a protocol look like? Carlson says he has a formal memorandum of understanding with the local domestic violence shelter saying he can call at certain hours when he has a need for consultation. The memorandum also states that he will not provide identifying information about the client, only basic relevant information. This includes the presenting problem and any context he feels is important. The consultant can then advise him on whether the couple’s case might be a power-and-control situation. In those instances, Carlson must find a way to offer help to the victim without tipping off the partner who is engaging in the abuse.

With all of the couples Carlson counsels, his regular practice is to meet briefly with each individual separately at the beginning of each session. This is primarily so that he can get each partner’s point of view independently on the difficulties the couple is experiencing, but it also provides him with a chance to provide contact information for the domestic violence shelter if circumstances warrant. Carlson and the partner who is the target of the abuse may even call the shelter together.

In some cases, however, the victim of the abuse is not ready to leave the relationship. Carlson say many counselors may have a hard time relating to that. “We think we need to get the person out of the relationship immediately, but [we] need to do it safely,” he cautions

The victim has typically been living under abusive circumstances for years and may not yet have reached a crisis point, Carlson explains. Again, he uses consultation with his domestic violence resources to help him navigate this terrain. Regardless of whether the victim is ready to leave, Carlson says the average counselor should not try to continue providing services in these power-and-control cases. Telling the couple that he feels this particular modality will not work for them has proved to be a successful way of terminating treatment without escalating the problem of abuse, he says.

Lynn Linde, senior director of the ACA Center for Counseling Practice, Policy and Research, adds the caveat that counselors should make sure their states do not require them to report suspected cases of IPV under mandated reporting laws.

There are IPV cases for which Carlson thinks couples counselors are qualified to help. These involve lower lethality or “situational couple violence” (as opposed to one partner begin generally aggressive outside of the relationship as well). In such instances, a couple’s arguments may get out of hand and they may engage in behaviors such as pushing or throwing things at each other. “This can be dangerous, but it’s not as dangerous as choking or using a weapon,” Carlson says. However, he says, it is important for the couple to acknowledge that this behavior is unhealthy and to show a willingness to learn more appropriate ways to interact. It’s also essential that neither partner is afraid of the other, Carlson stresses.

In contrast, partners who engage in power-and-control tactics usually show little or no remorse and may exhibit antisocial-type behavior, Carlson explains. In fact, he says, studies have shown that when engaging in the abuse, these types of offenders typically experience a drop in heart rate rather than an escalating heart rate that is typically associated with anxiety over one’s situation or actions. Carlson also notes that whereas research indicates that men are almost always the perpetrators of power-and-control types of IPV, situational IPV is gender neutral.

None of this information constitutes a foolproof method for deciding whether it is safe for a counselor to work with a couple with a history of IPV. That’s why Carlson continues to do research on screening methods that are better at identifying the presence of violence among couples and where on the spectrum of severity that violence falls.

“Getting it wrong can be very dangerous,” Carlson concludes.

Counseling LGBTQ couples

Although the issues that bring lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/questioning (LGBTQ) couples into counseling are generally the same as those that affect heterosexual couples, the legalization of same-sex marriage has raised some issues unique to LGBTQ relationships, say counselors who work with this population.

“There is a tremendous validation both from the legal system and from society upon their relationships,” says John T. Super, an LMFT who is also a clinical assistant professor of counselor education at the University of Florida. “This validation can provide an emotional confidence or boost surrounding a same-sex relationship that lessens the perceived stigmatization that has occurred. Additionally, since the Supreme Court decision [legalizing same-sex marriage], we have seen a large number of those in long-term relationships choosing to marry and report feeling equality to traditional marriages.”

Although the Supreme Court’s decision is a huge advancement for the LGBTQ community and has given many couples the opportunity for which they have long waited, actually getting married has not been absent of negative consequences for some couples, says Super, a member of ACA. “Clients have explained [that] when they announced their marriage … it was in many ways similar to the coming-out process in that those who are choosing to marry and are in same-sex relationships may face resistance from friends and family as they legalize the relationship,” he explains. “I have heard clients say that their friends and family accepted their relationship, but when they choose to marry, the thought of the same-sex couple entering into a legal marriage is a line the friends or family are not comfortable crossing.”

Counselors have an important role in helping same-sex couples navigate the resistance they may face when they decide to get married, agrees Joy Whitman, a past president of the Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues in Counseling, a division of ACA. Amidst the joy of getting married, there may be feelings of hurt and loss from being rejected all over again by certain individuals or segments of society, she says. Counselors can help couples grieve and process this loss.

According to Whitman, who previously worked as a couples counselor, marriage can also exacerbate a common problem in same-sex relationships: unequal comfort levels with being “out.” Marriage can make the partner who is less “out” feel especially vulnerable, she explains.

Counselors should also be aware that for the first time, LGBTQ couples are facing divorce, Whitman says. Not only is this a new experience, but the need in many cases to stand up in court and disclose intimate relationship details can be particularly disconcerting for clients in same-sex relationships, she says.

Super and Whitman also note that counselors need to be aware of the generation gap among different LGBTQ couples. “Couples who are in their 20s experienced a very different level of social acceptance than couples in their 50s or older,” Super points out. “This generational difference can be important to understand when determining the levels of internalized oppression the individual or couple has experienced.”

Despite these issues and other issues that are specific to the LGBTQ community, Super and Whitman emphasize that couples counseling is couples counseling. Peluso, an associate professor of counselor education at Florida Atlantic University, agrees.

“In many respects, the practice of couples counseling shouldn’t change that much,” he says. “Focusing on the relationship means taking the relationship as it is created by the partners involved. The only judgment that the couples counselor is making is, ‘Is this healthy for you right now?’ and then seeing how the couple can change that. That is fairly universal.”

 

****

Additional resources

To learn more about the topics addressed in this article, see the following select resources offered by the American Counseling Association.

 

Books (counseling.org/bookstore)

Podcasts (counseling.org/continuing-education/podcasts)

  • “Love and Sex and Relationships” with Erica Goodstone

Webinars (counseling.org/continuing-education/webinars)

  • “Crazy Love: Dealing With Your Partner’s Problem Personality” with W. Brad Johnson
  • “The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity” with Scott Halzman

VISTAS Online articles (counseling.org/continuing-education/vistas)

  • “Five Counseling Techniques for Increasing Attachment, Intimacy and Sexual Functioning in Couples” by Elisabeth D. Bennett, Jaleh Davari, Jeanette Perales, Annette Perales, Brock Sumner, Gurpreet Gill & Tin Weng Mak
  • “Helping Couples Reconnect: Developing Relational Competencies and Expanding Worldviews Using the Enneagram Personality Typology” by Thelma Duffey & Shane Haberstroh
  • “Loving Kindness Meditation and Couples Therapy: Healing After an Infidelity” by Laura Cunningham & Yuleisy Cardoso
  • “Supporting Same-Sex Couples in the Decision to Start a Family” by Debbie C. Sturm, Erika Metzler Sawin & Anne L. Metz
  • “Working With Intercultural Couples and Families: Exploring Cultural Dissonance to Identify Transformative Opportunities” by Cheryl L. Crippen
  • “Working With Sexual Addictions in Couples Therapy” by Sara L. Wood

Practice Briefs (counseling.org/knowledge-center/practice-briefs)

  • “Counseling Couples With a Trauma History” by Catherine J. Brack & Greg Brack

ACA Divisions

  • The International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors helps develop healthy family systems through prevention, education and therapy (see iamfconline.org).
  • The Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues in Counseling seeks to promote greater awareness and understanding of LGBT issues and improve standards and delivery of counseling services provided to LGBT clients and communities (see algbtic.org).

 

****

 

Laurie Meyers is the senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact her at lmeyers@counseling.org.

Letters to the editorct@counseling.org

 

****

 

Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association.